Doin’ It Well

Dear Jo and Ross,

Is it normal and O.K. to be celibate for many years? I am a 45 year old woman who has been divorced for 6 years and I have only had one boyfriend for 2 years after that, and then 4 1/2 years single with only one 2-month sexual relationship a few months ago. I do not want to hook-up or just have sex without caring or to get hurt.

I worry that I am abnormal because your column I read every week always emphasizes that all kinds of sex is a normal and healthy way of life. I don’t believe in “abstinence education” but I do believe in abstinence for myself under the circumstances of not being able to find anyone special and sexually compatible with me.

I miss closeness rather than the sex. Am I “frigid?” A “spinster?” “Frustrated?” All these words that come to … harass me in my head and trouble me. My woman friend says there is always solo-sex, but I don’t think this is what I am worried about.

Please, please advise me as I am feeling desperately abnormal.

Thank you,
A Single Woman

Dear A Single Woman:
Thank you for writing in! It’s true that we are inundated with messages about sex, that “everybody’s doing it” and how we can, should and could be even sexier than we are now! Even our column can promote the idea that everyone is sexually active all the time, whether by themselves or with partners. Of course, being sexually healthy includes much more than just “sex!”

It’s Perfectly Normal
Not feeling sexual, having decreased sexual desire, or choosing to not be sexual with ourselves or others is perfectly healthy, normal and practiced by many of us at different points in our lives. Whether it’s due to experiencing the blues after a breakup, discomfort after childbirth or because we are waiting to be “in love” with our partner, lots of people delay, postpone and choose not to have sex. This happens to people within relationships and to people who are single.

Cravings
While it’s normal to crave sex, there are also other aspects of our sexuality beyond just the physical acts of “sex.” All humans have a need for touch. In fact, babies can’t survive if touch-deprived. As adults, we won’t whither away without physical contact, but the desire and need for affection remains.

Another aspect of the closeness you mention is intimacy shared between two people. Often, these needs are met primarily within a romantic relationship. But, just because you are not currently in a relationship does not mean you cannot get these needs met. Simply identifying that these are missing from your life may allow you to consider ways you may be able to foster affection, touch, and intimacy in other relationships with friends or family members.

On Being Sexually Healthy
Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on being coupled or in a romantic relationship as a marker of being “healthy.” It can be challenging to be single for many years without wondering “Am I normal?” For ”Doin’ It Well,” it’s not so much about whether or not you are normal (of course you are!) but “Are you happy?” If the things you want, crave, desire or need in your life are not present (and we can all usually identify something), talking to someone like a therapist can help work through these feelings.

There are many aspects to our sexuality and what enhances our sexual health. Some include sexual behaviors while others incorporate physical health and development; relationships, spirituality, emotions and personal skills like living according to our values and making good decisions for ourselves. Sexuality encompasses all of who we are; the key to being sexually healthy is to nurture our complete sexuality.

Relationship Satisfaction
Sex occurs within the context of a relationship with another person, however that is defined. Whether hooking up or a long term commitment, the interaction with another and how that looks and feels to us is a piece of sexuality.

Benefits of age usually include wisdom and increased insight. While some people might be more physically sexually active or have more sexual partners, this doesn’t equal satisfying relationships (although it might). Everyone is different, and our needs and wants with regard to sex and relationships change. It sounds to us as though you know exactly what you are (and aren’t) looking for in a relationship. While you can recognize that you miss sex and closeness, you can also remain confident that you are not willing to sacrifice safety - physical or emotional - simply to have “sex.” We think this is a wise choice, since having sex when the conditions are not ideal can lead to dissatisfaction-sexually or otherwise.

Join us next week when we’ll talk with gender outlaw, Kate Bornstein!

Sex 411: Complex Sex

• Sexuality is more than just “sex;” affection and non-genital touching are also important sexual behaviors

• Talking to a counselor or therapist can help us identify aspects of our sexuality we are struggling with in a supportive environment

Jo & Ross have been answering lots of reader questions. Keep sending them in to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com!

Hello,
I read your article on male sexual health and I have a question. I used to work out like 3 times a week, most of it were pumping weights and cardio. I stopped doing this for the past 2 years. Also I am working on starting a company by myself and doing my PhD. For some reason I am not getting the kind of erection that I used to, is it because of my personal or professional problems?

Thanks,

MV

Thanks for writing us, MV. Fluctuations in the strength of erections are common concerns for men. Often, we aren’t taught how our bodies work during sexual arousal, which raises questions when we notice our sexual responses changing. Let’s talk a little bit about the anatomy of the penis and the physiology of an erection – and what lifestyle changes can mean for one’s wood.

At Attention

An erection is produced when blood is trapped in the spongy tissue of the penis (or clitoris, women get erections, too!). As erections are controlled by your involuntary nervous system, (like digestion), you can’t will them to happen, like snapping your fingers. In fact, erections are a much more complex process than we might think.

During an erection, the spongy tissue of the penis, become engorged in response to physical (touch) and/or psychological (thoughts) stimulation. When this stimulation occurs, the brain sends a message to the pelvic area, causing the arteries into the penis to dilate, increasing blood flow. Simultaneously, a muscle at the base of the penis tightens, constricting veins that , decreases blood flow leaving the penis.

As stimulation increases, this may mean that the amount of blood – therefore the erection itself – increases. When the stimulation is decreased or after orgasm, the veins dilate allowing the blood to exit the penis. So in order for an erection to occur, there must be 1) sexual stimulation, 2) a nervous system response, and 3) increased (and constricted) blood flow into the penis.

Hard To Say

There are many different issues that can affect the strength of an erection, all related to the three aspects above.

First, age impacts erections. As we age, the length of time and stimulation it may take to achieve an erection may increase. Additionally, the firmness of the erection itself may decrease. However, this may also be accompanied by increased control over ejaculation. . This is a natural and wonderful part of aging, but because many men may feel as though their masculinity is connected to their ability to have a quick, hard erection, it may not feel so wonderful.

Second, because the nervous system plays such an important role (both in the sensation of being “turned on” and the subsequent nerve response) emotional distractions, such as anxiety or stress, can make it difficult to focus on the experience. If, as you mention, a man is experiencing pressure at work or school, it can be difficult to be in the mood. When we add to this the pressure men may place upon themselves to be sexual – messages that many men internalize about how they should always be ready for sex – men may get caught in an anxiety loop, worrying about achieving and maintaining an erection, which may decrease the erection strength, which may increase the worry, etc.

Third, medical issues can impact the ability to achieve an erection. Vascular conditions, alcohol, smoking, diabetes, and medication can all impact the body’s ability to respond to sexual stimuli and maintain blood flow. The changes in exercise you mention might impact the firmness of an erection, but it might not be simply physical. Exercise may encourage blood flow generally, but it may also help connect you to your body and increase self-esteem, which can guard against some of the psychological factors affecting erections.

Wood Working

Whatever might be causing the changes in your erections, the first thing to do is to give yourself (and your body) a break. Erections aren’t magical, and they vary for many reasons.Also, a satisfying, pleasurable sexual experience isn’t about how hard erections are, but the variety of ways that individuals may pleasure themselves and each other during sex.

That said, if anxiety and stress are impacting erections, you might need to pay attention to this stress . This could mean finding a mental health professional or sex therapist who you can talk with about the particular issues you mention. If you suspect there may also be a medical component to the erection, talk to a medical professional about your concern. They can work with you to identify any medical causes that could be impacting erections.

Often, drugs like Viagra are seen as a “cure” for erectile issues. But these drugs merely impact one piece of the erection process ; they aren’t a panacea. We are critical of the ways that medicine may be prescribed for an issue that can be largely psychological or part of a natural decline due to aging. Medication may be one option for addressing erectile concerns, but it cannot substitute for communication with your sexual partner or awareness of our own feelings and distractions about the sexual experience.

Join us next week as we answer a reader’s question on celibacy!

Sex 411: Erectile Education

• Metz & McCarthy. Coping with Erectile Dysfunction.
• Ziebergeld, B. The New Male Sexuality.

Jo and Ross enjoy answering our readers’ questions. Send them to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Hi Jo & Ross. Here’s a suggestion: Feminist Porn!-RS

Dear RS,
Thanks for writing in! This is a great topic and we’re happy to take a look at it in our column.

An Oxymoron?
Historically feminists have dominated the discourse in response to pornography. Since the 1970’s, feminists groups critiqued, educated, spoke out about and called for an end to the violent, degrading, sexually exploitive, racist, sexist and homophobic images in mainstream pornography. Organizations like Feminists Against Pornography want a stop to a porn culture, including a stop to the consumption of mainstream porn.

But, Annie Sprinkle, a porn star, sexologist and feminist porn activist has said “The answer to bad porn isn’t no porn, it’s more porn!”

A Different Take
In the 1980’s, a new form of pornography started to emerge: Feminist Porn. What makes it different from regular porn? While there are no standards or clear cut guidelines, most in the industry agree that in order to be called “feminist,” the porn needs to have a woman involved in production, show mutuality and respect in the sexual interactions, and represent authentic female desires. Often, a broad range of gender identities, sexualities, and body types are represented; actors are encouraged to create the scene they want to film; and attention is paid to the treatment, health and working conditions of the actors. All of these characteristics are quite different from mainstream porn.

According to Alison Lee of Good For Her, a dominant theme in films considered feminist porn is consent and agency both of the actors and the depiction of these within the sexual scene being filmed. Feminist porn is also hot, kinky and hardcore! In this way, feminist porn goes beyond mainstream pornography, which overwhelming represents the same activities over and over (double penetration, oral, vaginal, anal, multiple men with one woman, and facials). By promoting women’s voices, feminist porn shows the truer variation of sexual fantasies-and more accurately depicts the fantasies of women.

What a Man Wants
Mainstream porn is misleading in its depiction of what women want and enjoy sexually. When females like Candida Royalle, Tristan Taormino, Courtney Trouble, Nina Hartley and others are directing, we notice an absence of facials, ass-to-mouth, double-penetration, and women being called degrading names. Mainstream porn also tells us that men fantasize about humiliating and degrading women (something men should be upset with porn about!). Since pornography is largely made by men for the consumption of other men, it socializes and conditions men’s sexual response in certain ways-ways that may not be compatible with real life relationships. Feminist porn attempts to diversify what is out there, with the hope that people will ultimately decide to watch something more humane, more respectful, more realistic, and more reflective of actual fantasies, particularly those of women.

More of the Same?
We have also noticed that as feminist porn becomes more mainstream, things like body diversity seems to lessen (or get fetishized – like natural pubic hair). Additionally, while working conditions might be a huge improvement from doing ass-to-mouth scenes, we also have to consider the factors that led these women into the industry to begin with, which can include limited economic options or a history of violence. Women’s choices are complex and some women may make a conscious decision to enter the sex trade industry. While self-proclaimed feminist porn can be a welcome respite from the sex-negative and misogynistic world of mainstream porn, we also have to be vigilant about the ways an industry can capitalize upon and co-opt our sexual desires.

You decide
Some people (including quite a few men we know) choose not to consume any kind of pornography. Others seek out images that represent (at least on screen) mutually satisfying and respectful sexual interactions. Still others are less discriminate in what they watch, and may view what’s convenient or available for free online. Ultimately, we all have to decide how we want to spend our money, which industries we want to support, and what images we want to look at to get turned on.

Check us next week as we go from soft to hard.

Sex 411: And the Award Goes To…
Good For Her’s Feminist Porn Awards honor those who are doing it well in the porn industry. Winners must meet at least one of the following:
• A woman had a hand in the production, writing, direction, etc. of the work.
• It depicts genuine female pleasure
• It expands the boundaries of sexual representation on film and challenges stereotypes of mainstream porn.
And of course, it has to be hot! Find out more at www.goodforher.com

Jo & Ross are thankful for all the reader questions & suggestions! Keep them coming! Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com.

As Halloween approaches, “Doin’ It Well” turns attentions to the most horrifying and ghastly transformation of all: puberty. The changes undergone during puberty - developing secondary sex characteristics and the accompanying feelings that can come along with it - usher in a new phase of sexuality for teens. What is there to be afraid of? Let “Doin’ It Well” guide you down the ghoulish path of puberty’s horrors.

Hairy Palms

The social expectations for young men and women are different, and horror movies depict this well.  Teen Wolf is an excellent narrative about boys’ sexual coming-of-age. Scott, a lovable dork that just can’t seem to assert himself, begins to notice his body changing, including a deeper voice, claws, and hairy palms. When he gets anxious, mad, or aroused, his “wolf” comes out, until he can’t hide it any longer. His “wolf” is athletic, suave, and in control, in many ways a perfect man, but he’s also egotistic and selfish.  In the end, he tames his beast and learns to incorporate his “wolf” into himself.

Movies like Teen Wolf perhaps correctly suggest that puberty is rife with anxiety and struggles. We can see Teen Wolf as a story about a young man trying to figure out how to control his body as he’s experiencing new sexual feelings and urges.   But they also carry on a dangerous narrative about male sexuality - it’s wild, primitive, and unstoppable.

Not Me!

Stories about teen men’s sexuality often place these sexual urges outside of their control. Not only does this discourage men from seeing their sexuality, desires, and actions as being a part of who they are, but it also allows us to excuse violent behaviors as beyond the man’s control. In the film, Idle Hands, the main character Anton has a real problem on his hand; it’s demon-possessed, violent and maybe just a little horny. As his hand gropes women and slaughters his family, it’s all done with a wink and a nod to the idea that once a man gets turned on it’s just so difficult to stop.

The Curse

For women, there is a whole different set of worries associated with puberty. Menstruation, breasts, telekinesis… You just never know. Yes, we are talking about Carrie, the awkward and homicidal title character. In the film’s beginning, Carrie discovers that she is bleeding from between her legs while in the locker room showers. Unaware about menstruation or her body (and a case for comprehensive sex education if there ever was one), Carrie’s panic also sets off her ability to move things with her mind. Her final straw, a blood-soaking prank designed to humiliate her, leads Carrie to murder the entire school and her sex-negative mom.

For young women, puberty isn’t so much about gaining a special power, as it is being cursed. In many of these stories, women’s sexuality is out of control, but in a totally different way than that of young men. We have to be protected from it, and she from herself. And in the end, everyone dies. See ladies, puberty is just full of surprises.

It’s also worth noting that when men’s puberty is the subject, the movie is lighthearted, perhaps a dark comedy. When women’s sexuality is being discussed, however, we can expect a gruesome and gritty story, much more horror than anything else.

Bloodlust

A new genre of teen sex horror is upon us now: the vampire. As Twilight has taught us, women have sexual urges, too; they are hot for vampires!  Bella, the new girl who doesn’t quite fit in, meets Edward, a vampire who is practicing bloodsucking abstinence. Overcome by his undead beauty, Bella tries several times to lure him into her bed. But when he gets too excited,Edward’s vamp instincts kick in and he withdraws to “save himself” from biting her. The movie, then, walks a line between Bella’s sexual desires and Edward’s attempts at protecting her from his dangerous urges.

The new part here is that the girl is also a complex, sexual being, rather than an object to be acted upon. And yes, we think that’s progress. But he also paternalistically “protects” her from his beastly tendencies. And that sounds like more of the same.

Trick or Treat?

Despite our criticisms, these movies do bring up the subject of puberty and teen sexuality, which is a start. Throughout our lives, our sexuality is constantly shifting, but perhaps most during puberty. These stories capture the insecurities, fears, angst, and social anxieties that accompany many of us through puberty and beyond.

At the same time, youth are much more complex than the stories show. Both young men and young women are figuring out sexual desires and arousal, and both struggle with the feelings during this phase. For a real scare, next time you’re watching a horror film, think about what it’s saying about sex, and what’s missing.

Join us next week as we look at feminist porn.

Sex 411:  More Puberty Fright Films!

• Ginger Snaps (2000)
• Idle Hands (1999)
• My Demon Lover (1987)

Send Jo and Ross your questions and ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Hi,
(Quite) a while back you (or rather, your predecessors) had a column on Sex Addiction. Unfortunately, it was run in the summer, so most of the readers that might benefit from such an article were likely not around. Therefore, I would like to encourage you to rerun/update it, as a service for those suffering from this affliction.
-PF

Thanks for writing in! It has been a few years since “Doin’ It Well” has printed anything on sex addiction, so we appreciate the opportunity to revisit this topic.
C’mon, Really?
It has taken awhile for sex addiction to be viewed with legitimacy. Even today, we often hear the term used flippantly as a way to tease someone about their sexual desire, behaviors, or high sex drive. We might chuckle at the irony of Californication star David Duchovny entering treatment. Sometimes, the shame of sex addiction is used as a way to scare people into behaving a certain way sexually (i.e., “sex outside of marriage could lead to a dangerous sexual addiction”). Even professionals in the helping field have debated the topic of sexual addiction.
The Serious Side
What is known, especially by those who struggle with it, is that some people do experience persistent and compulsive sexual “acting out” and distress about those behaviors. Sex addiction can be defined as a pattern of behavior focused on sexual expression used to cope with the stresses of life. According to Sex Addicts Anonymous “[T]he essence of all addiction is the addicts’ experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing.” These behaviors continue despite negative consequences. A key feature of sex addiction is a feeling of powerlessness and what distinguishes it from healthier sexual behavior is that a person feels out of control. They may have tried to stop or change their behaviors but couldn’t.
Sex addiction can take many forms, not just sex with partner(s). A person might have numerous sexual encounters, maybe with different partners. Or a person might obsessively and/or compulsively view pornography or spending most of their time finding, downloading or exchanging sexual images or materials. Or it might include cyber sex with others. Just like other addicts, the sex addict uses sex in an attempt to alter their mood, to numb feelings or escape pain. These motivations may not be conscious to them and often, those addicted to sexual behaviors are unaware of either their problem or that sex addiction actually exists.
I love sex, am I addicted?
No single behavior indicates a sexual addiction, and just because someone feels like they have a high sex drive does not alone designate a problem. There are many lists and assessment tools online to help people determine if they may have a problematic relationship with sex. Remember that it can be best to speak with a professional, particularly a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) to explore any concerns you might have. Just because someone exhibits a behavior or characteristic does not mean they are addicted to sex.
Common features of sex addiction include: spending a lot of your time, energy, and sometimes money planning experiencing and recovering (emotionally or physically) from sexual experiences; feeling like sex has overtaken your life to the extent that thoughts about it or experiences with it interfere with work, social or family obligations; taking higher risks than you normally would or that go against your values; and continuing to engage in behaviors even after experiencing consequences such as debt, loss of relationships, loss of job or STDs.

Finding Support
Because of the shame and isolation those suffering with addictive or compulsive sexual behavior can feel, seeking support can have a tremendous positive impact. Thanks again to PF who provided us with the following local information:
We would like to bring to your attention two Champaign support groups: Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). These groups seek to help people stop compulsive emotional and sexual behavior, and are based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, although there is no organizational affiliation with AA. There are no dues or fees for membership; the only requirement is a desire to stop compulsive behavior. Also, the anonymity of all members is protected with special care. There are currently three one-hour meetings per week in Champaign (noon and evening). Further information can be obtained by visiting our website (http://www.champaign-saa.org), emailing us at saainfo@champaign-saa.org, or leaving a message at (800) 557-9052.Get scared next week with the horrors of teen sexuality!

 
Sex 411: Additional Addiction Resources
• Visit www.iitap.com to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT).
• Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes continues to be recognized as the groundbreaking work in the field of sex addiction
• Visit www.saa.org for a list of additional resources

Send your questions to Jo and Ross at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Jo and Ross

Here’s a suggestion [for a column]: genderqueer.

-R

R, thanks for writing us! Readers: Have you ever felt like you weren’t a “real” man or “real” woman? Do you question whether a two-gender system is the answer? Then you, our friend, may be just a little bit genderqueer. Genderqueer is a term which, like transgender, challenges traditional gender roles and assignments. But more specifically, genderqueer people live outside of the two gender system, both actively and unintentionally.

Drag Show

To borrow a line from Judith Butler, gender is a drag. As we have talked about before, sex may be the physiological/scientific assignment (although even this isn’t perfect), but gender is the performance with associated sex. Just think about the ways you transform your appearance daily  to signal your gender to others. A suit or dress. Shaving. A button-up or a blousy shirt. Long hair or short spike. These are part of our gender identity, the way we view ourselves, but it’s also part of the ways we choose to perform our gender for others. Genderqueer is both this internal identity and the performance.

A Spectrum of Gender

Researcher Sandra Bem theorized that gender might not be simply one continuum with masculine on one end and feminine on another, but that there could be two spectrums, one of masculine behaviors and another of feminine behaviors. Someone could feasibly exhibit both strongly masculine and strongly feminine behaviors and be androgynous, have neither masculine nor feminine characteristics and be asexual, or fall somewhere in between. Genderqueer people may see themselves in masculine and/or feminine terms, or - going one step further than Bem - may decide that their gender performance is neither feminine, masculine, androgynous, or asexual - but some other gender variety altogether.

For people who may identify under the broad umbrella of genderqueer, there may be a lot of additional ways they may identify their gender. Here are just a few: androgyne, boi, transboi, gender bender, multi-gendered, boydyke, transgender, and transcender. While transgender is an umbrella term that encompasses a host of gender transgressions, genderqueer specifically “queers” the idea of what it means to be a man or a woman, and insists upon fluidity with gender identity.

WTF?

To that end, this also raises the term “genderfuck” - which means to intentionally “fuck” with gender. Having a beard and wearing a skirt, or any gender performance that juxtaposes masculine and feminine together is a genderfuck - a play on the traditional ideas of gender.

Genderqueer and genderfuck are as much an intentional statement about the strict gender roles in society as it is people simply living the identity they wish to live. Many of us alter our bodies to conform to gender roles. For some people who identify as genderqueer, their bodies have never fully allowed them to live in any one space - their gender identity has been questioned as long as they can remember. For others, genderqueer is about carving out this new space intentionally, so although they may be able to physically fit within traditional gender norms, they are choosing to challenge it.

What’s Hir Problem?

Genderqueer individuals may also explore the gendered pronouns that are used in the English language. Some people may prefer to use ze, sie, hir, or simply a singular they to convey their own gender identity.  These pronouns may challenge the ways we think about the everyday gendering in our lives - how things like cars or animals are given gendered identities, or how we presume to know the gender identities of people we meet.

Kate Bornstein, author, performance artist, and activist, is a great example of this. Born biologically male and undergoing sex reassignment to become a woman, Kate began to realize that ze was neither a man, nor a woman, but some other gender identity altogether.  Hir blogs, books, and performance pieces reflect the fluidity of gender and the paradoxes of a two-gender structure. (Kate will be visiting campus November 16^th thru the 18^th, so stay tuned!)

To understand genderqueer, we have to understand our own feelings about the idea of a gender binary (rather than fluidity). This means challenging our desire to know and label other’s genders, and respecting how others identify their gender. Remember, the individual knows their gender far better than you!

Don’t Forget!

This Sunday is the Greater Community AIDS Project and Alpha Epsilon Phi AIDS Walk to raise money for GCAP. There is no cost for participating in the walk, but donations are accepted and t-shirts are $10. Come out to Illini Grove (Pennsylvania and Lincoln) on Sunday from 12:30-3pm to help benefit Champaign County residents living with HIV/AIDS.

Join us next week as we explore sex addiction.

Sex 411: Genderqueer Resources

Bornstein, K. My Gender Workbook and Gender Outlaw

Nestle, Wilchins, & Howell. GenderQueer: Voices from Beyond the Sexual Binary

Send your suggestions to Jo and Ross at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com

Hi Jo & Ross, here’s an idea for your column: Drunk Texting! –DM

Great idea, DM! Thanks for writing in. Drunk dialing, which started as a play on drunk driving, refers to calling someone while intoxicated and either talking to them or leaving them a message. Newer technology has brought us drunk texting and drunk posting (on Facebook, Twitter, etc.). Most of us have probably received or sent one at some point; this summer Jo even received random drunk texts from a person she didn’t know who had the wrong number!

Your Call Is Important To Us
As we all know, alcohol lowers inhibitions. When we’ve been drinking, we may feel more comfortable doing things we might not do sober, like talking to that hot guy or asking a woman for her number. At the more extreme, alcohol can impair our judgment in very negative ways, like not paying attention as we cross the street or mouthing off to a cop.

It may be the part of intoxication that strips away our psychological defenses that impacts the drunk messaging. Emotions and feelings that we may normally keep in check (or are unaware of) seep out, like loneliness, frustration, anger, sexual desire or sadness. When we feel these things and our judgment is altered, it might allows us to tell or text someone what we really feel, without our inner voice saying “That’s probably not a good idea” or “Think about the consequences of this.” Often, what we experience is “I don’t give an F—” - at least not until the next day.

People drunk dial, text or message for a variety of reasons. For the sake of this column, we want to focus on those that are sent to a former or future love interest and examine why this happens. In these scenarios, a person might text an ex or a current crush, or text for the sake of hooking up.

(Don’t) Blame it on the Alcohol…
We have all heard the common expressions: “Oh my God, I was so drunk I…” Or “I totally would not have done that if I wasn’t drunk.” Sometimes, alcohol serves as the perfect excuse. But even when we’re drunk, we are still the same person as we are sober and the parts of us that come out when we’re drunk are still there when we sober up.

Alcohol’s effects might be the reason we decided to press “send,” but it’s not the reason why we wanted to send the message in the first place. Exploring those motivations might be helpful. Often, people feel remorse after sending a drunk message. Instead of feeling bad about it, what if we could look at drunk texting as simply a signal of our feelings? Whether we are feeling sad, angry, lonely, horny or frustrated, if we can look at these feelings as being OK and understandable, we might be more empowered to address them in ways that feel good to us (and maybe to others around us). Part of this might involve examining which feelings are difficult to talk about and how being under the influence might give us courage to express ourselves, but usually in ways we unfortunately, often regret.

Beyond A Drunken Haze
How can we identify these emotions? If we can forgive ourselves any remorse we might have, we can look at these old text messages like an anthropologist examining artifacts. What do these messages tell you about your feelings – your own personal feelings, your feelings about another person, or even the hopes of your text? With a spirit of curiosity and openness, we might come to understand the many reasons we’re drunk messaging.

Being able to identify your motivations may not feel good, but it empowers you to recognize the meaning behind your actions and perhaps normalize your feelings. For example, realizing that you want to text someone because you miss them and are sad you broke up makes a lot of sense. We can recognize that our feelings are valid, while also deciding to wait until morning to confront them fully. Sometimes it’s best to head to bed, knowing that the phone will be there when our head is clearer, in the event we still want to press “send.”

Check us out next week as we queer gender.

Sex 411: There’s an App for that
Apparently, drunk texting is such a phenomenon that iphone has a “don’t dial” application that allows users to enter certain numbers before going out that will be blocked to the user for a period of time. The numbers can later be unlocked for later use. Tip: Have a friend enter a password that is unknown to you!

Send Jo & Ross a topic for their column at: buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

 Bondage and S/M has entered the mainstream. Whether watching TV or attending a bachelor(ette) party, off-hand references to safe words or handcuffs abound. But do we really know what all that means? BDSM – standing for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadomasochism - is a broad term for sex that involves an explicit, consensual power exchange between partners. This power exchange is not assumed, and can include anything from flogging to feathers – and much more. “Doin’ It Well” wanted to examine BDSM – and help our readers developing their kink-sense.

The Kink Link

BDSM includes many ways of playing. Bondage means restraining a partner for sexual pleasure, such as using handcuffs or rope. Discipline, is the use of rules or punishment in a sexual scene, which can be physical and/or psychological. Dominance and submission, related to discipline, is a power exchange between partners, one taking the role of “dom” (in charge) and one the “sub” or “bottom.” Dominance and submission is largely about the mental approach the partners take to the relationship. At an extreme, dominance and submission can include 24/7 (or “total power exchange”) role playing of the dom/sub relationship in all areas of their lives. Finally, sadomasochism (S/M) is probably the most well known term in the BDSM vernacular. Referring to both sadism (enjoying inflicting pain on others) and masochism (enjoying receiving pain), S/M includes most of the more physical aspects used to inflict real or symbolic pain during sex.

There are many reasons why folks enjoy BDSM. The experience of exploring power dynamics, role playing, and trust within a sexual relationship can be both pleasurable and enlightening. In fact, many people already engage in some form of power play, even if they don’t call it that, including blindfolding or light bondage. Additionally, non-sexual physical sensations (like feathers, pinching, or icecubes) may intensify sexual arousal or sensations.

BDSMville

Unlike the depictions of BDSM behaviors on TV or in mainstream porn, people who engage in BDSM often do so with a lot of communication with both partners and non-partners. We recently heard about a BDSM dungeon (club where patrons can engage in public sex) that employed “consent checkers” – individuals who asked each person engaging in a scene if they were safe and willing. There wasn’t shame or embarrassment about checking for consent; it was just one rule of the community. We were blown away. Imagine if this were a model for everyone – if you knocked on your roommate’s door to make sure everyone was cool with what might be going on!

Playing It Safe

Safety is incredibly important in a BDSM scene or relationship. A major component in playing with a partner is trust – one partner trusts another with their body. This means that partners have to be in touch with one another, knowing what is within the limits and what is not. This is why many BDSM players may have a pre-established safe word or words they can use to increase, decrease, or stop the behavior. Because words like “no” may be used as part of a role-play, the safe word is determined ahead of time, known by all partners, and almost impossible to come up in the context of the scene. (A recent episode of How I Met Your Mother used “flugelhorn” as a couple’s safe word.) In addition to safe words, this means being aware of the risk of serious injuries associated with a behavior, and educating yourself beforehand to know how to practice it safely.

Trust Fall

“Doin’ It Well” has talked a lot about what consent looks like in all relationships, but consent takes on incredible importance in BDSM. As trust is critical to power play, active consent is also critical. In addition to developing and honoring safe words and limits, this trust is increased by talking beforehand (and checking in afterwards) about the experience. Mainstream media paints a picture that BDSM should be sprung on a partner as a way to liven up a monotonous sexual relationship. If we haven’t developed a “scene” with our partner beforehand, “surprising” them by handcuffing them or pouring hot wax on them is not safe, consensual, or about enhancing mutual pleasure and is definitely not sexy. In fact, it’s the intense communication and connection beforehand that allows for hot, intense, enjoyable power exchange during the scene.

There may be other questions or concerns related to the specific acts you’re interested in. Check out the resources below or check it out on the web. If you want to play – by yourselves or as part of the BDSM community – being safe, open, and consensual is the key!

Check us out next week as “Doin’ It Well” looks at the “new” drunk dialing!

Sex 411: BDSM Resources

Califia, P. Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples

Morpheous. How to be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

Wiseman, J. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

Jo and Ross thank all the wonderful readers who have been sending their thoughts and suggestions. Keep it up at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Last week “Doin’ It Well” had the opportunity to interview international sex educator and activist Jessica Yee. Jessica is the founder and director of the Native Youth Sexual Health Network, a North America-wide organization working on issues of healthy sexuality, youth empowerment, reproductive justice, and sex positivity by and for Native youth.

DIW: You started your career working with women who experienced abuse. What led you into the field of sexuality, sex positivity & reproductive justice?

Jessica Yee: I’ve been an activist since I was ten years old. Around that time, my mother moved to the big city of Toronto. She was a sex trade worker and had two abortions. I went to Catholic School and heard, as part of my education, anti-choice presentations. All of these influenced my activism. I remember asking my mother about abortion and her saying, “I’ve had two abortions, do you think the creator doesn’t love me?” I also was living in a city, trying to find ways to stand up for my body, my space- to have bodily autonomy.

But it wasn’t until I was 18 when I met an Elder who asked me, “Why did you not tell me your Nation when we first met?” I was taught that if we do not talk about our Nations, they begin to die. From then on, I began working to understand my Native identity and feminist activism as entwined. It has been an empowering journey for me.

DIW: What are the top issues that are unique to Indigenous sexualities that you think are important for people to understand?

JY: There are not many Native representations in sexual and reproductive health places and organizations, yet we are highly represented in STDs, domestic violence and youth pregnancy. In my work I realized that many circles did not want to intersect race, culture, class and other identities into sexual health education, and yet many things within sexuality and feminism education and dialogue are Indigenous concepts. Do you think we waited around for Christopher Columbus to teach us about sex?

DIW: What specific barriers have you faced doing this work both within Indigenous communities and in general?

JY:  Most Native-focused campaigns in sexual health education look like mainstream campaigns,, except they might add a feather or change the faces slightly. And ours is the only Native sexual health organization that isn’t focused on disease control. So, it’s been challenging! If we are going to change the tide, it has to be youth led and intergenerational.

We currently have eleven projects that we are working on, one of our major focuses being to understand if Indigenous knowledge about sexuality still exists and how we can return it to the community. Through colonization sexuality was taken away as a way to take away power. Our goal is to protect Indigenous knowledge.

DIW: Currently, you’re also involved in bringing attention to the Highway of Tears - a name given to the murders and disappearances of Aboriginal women in northwestern British Columbia. How do you link this to your sex positive work?

JY:  I’m an Indigenous feminist and come from a matriarchal society. Women are life-givers, and if life-givers are disproportionately being abused, hurt, and violated, this affects and should affect sexual health education, especially for Indigenous people. Women are being targeted because of their sex and sexuality and there is an attempt to destroy it. So I called the coordinator of this campaign and asked how I could be of help.

DIW:  What do you wish you had known when you were just beginning your work? What advice might you give to young sexuality activists and educators?

JY: I used to think getting older sucked, but it doesn’t feel that way anymore. I wish I would have known the different forms that activism can take, especially within the context of sexuality. You don’t have to go to a protest to be an activist. The home is one of the toughest places to be an activist. But some of the greatest activists are those who organize at home.

DIW: What do you hope people will take away from your workshops?

JY: I hope they like it! One hope I have is that they will see the work I’m doing as important and that’s it’s taken seriously. I’m not faculty, and I also want to reinforce that you do not need to have a PhD or certifications to do this work. I hope I add to conversations that are already taking place. Finally, I hope that when we hear “strong sexuality” we may picture a Native person.

Join us next week as we play with BDSM!

Sex 411: Jessica Yee on Campus!
Chat ‘n Chew: Seminar on Sex and Native Communities with Kim Rice followed by Jessica Yee!
Thursday, Sept. 24th (TONIGHT!) 6pm Native American House, 1206 W. Nevada St.

Symposium on Indigenous Sexualities
Saturday, Sept. 26th 9:30-5pm Asian American Cultural Center, 1210 W. Nevada St., Urbana
Jessica and others will be presenting throughout the day.

For more info: www.ais.illinois.edu/

Send Jo and Ross your ideas and comments to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

As “Doin’ It Well,” we talk often about communicating with your partner about what you want and enjoy sexually Recently a reader suggested we explore “first weekend hook-ups.” If you do have a one-night-stand, how can you have the communication – and experience – that you’re looking for?

What’s your expectation?

Before a hookup, the people involved may have different expectations: is this a “no-strings attached” experience (NSA), or are you interested in the possibility of a relationship afterwards? Will you spend the night together, or just be there for the sex? And what will happen when you see each other afterwards?

Sometimes people may not be aware of what they want until they hook up with someone, or they weren’t even expecting to hook up in the first place. If expectations are thought about, they are often unspoken between partners. . If spoken, it may take the form of “sweet talking” or promising a certain experience for the other person, whether physical or emotional. While sweet talk can be honest, may can just as easily share the version of the truth they think is most likely to get them laid (i.e. “Of course this is more than just a hook up.”) If we think about it, sweet talk doesn’t help us be honest with ourselves, or our partners.

Of Studs and Sluts

When it comes to hooking up, men and women often suffer the negative consequences of traditional gender role expectations We expect men to be sexually aggressive, boastful of their one-night-stands, and only interested in NSA sex. We expect women to be sexually timid or repressed, unless they’ve been drinking, and more interested in relationships. But we’ve heard from men who hooked up and were interested in a relationship, but did not pursue it because of worries about both rejection and how men are “supposed” to act. Women have shared that even if they wanted something afterward, they felt they should not expect it, and waited to see if their partner would bring it up.. It seems that at least some of the time, this lack of communication causes needs to go unmet.

Know Your Self

We know that both men and women can feel disappointed or guilty after hooking up because their expectations were different from their partner’s. It may be helpful to consider ahead of time what you’re looking for, even though hooking up can be spontaneous and unexpected. . If you hope in the back of your head that you find someone to have sex with, what might you want from that experience? Is there a specific person you are thinking about, and what might you want after? Are you only interested in a sexual/physical relationship and nothing more? Do you want to be friends with benefits? Or do you hope a relationship might come afterwards? Your expectations - or the emotional reactions you know you might have - can help you understand what might happen after the hookup.

Something to Talk About

Once you have a sense of yourself, it can be easier to share this with a partner, even if a sexual situation arises spontaneously. . Maybe it is not realistic to think people are going to begin expressing their desires upfront during the prelude. But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could? We all have sex for a variety of reasons, some physical, some emotional, and some social. Thinking and talking about our hopes for the hookup can help us meet those needs.

Seeing Each Other

So, you have just shared an intimate, vulnerable experience with someone. Now what?. How will you talk about the experience? How will you react when you see them out next weekend? What, if anything, will we tell our friends? Regardless of how deep or superficial the sexual experience, the person we just hooked up with is a person, and deserves compassion and respect. How we interact with or talk about that person later is a continuation of our experience with that person. Being sexually responsible also means being respectful about our hookups.. It might seem unrealistic and we can’t control how others might act, but we can make sure we are being sex positive ourselves.

This also means fighting the sex negative hating. Don’t hate on women or men who want to hookup, whatever their motivations. This means we don’t chastise the guy who said respectfully and honestly that he’d like to hook up but isn’t interested in a relationship. It also means we don’t make comments like “I wouldn’t date a woman I’ve hooked up with.” We have to celebrate the sexual behaviors of everyone. We may not all want the same thing, but if we’re open and honest, there’s no reason we can’t respect the choices of others.

Check us out next week when we’ll share our interview with national sex educator and advocate, Jessica Yee!

Send Jo and Ross your questions or ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com