Doin' It Well

Discussing sexual histories and sexually transmitted disease (STD) status with potential partners can feel awkward, uncomfortable and difficult. For people with chronic (controllable, but not curable) STDs, these conversations may be filled with anxiety and fears. How might this person respond once they know that I have an STD? Will they still want to have sex or be around me once I tell them? What is the best way to tell them? Will they respect my privacy and keep what I share with them confidential?

 Certainly, the risk of rejection is scary. And although many people have at one time had an STD, there is still a huge social stigma associated with having an STD. Creating a  plan for talking with sexual partners can make the process a little less awkward and might increase feelings of empowerment, intimacy and comfort. Here are some of our thoughts for having this talk.

Curable Vs. Manageable STDs

There are many different STDs that can be passed through sexual contact.. Some, like HIV and Hepatitis B & C, are transmitted through bodily fluids. Others, like herpes or HPV, can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact.

Bacterial STDs, like any other bacterial illness, can be cured with antibiotics or other medication. Most bacterial STDs are easily treated, especially when caught in an early stage. Viral STDs, however, can't necessarily be cured, but managed, often with medication. For people living with HIV or herpes,  prescription medication can help control the viruses and their symptoms, but not entirely eliminate them from the body. Often, these STDs are called "chronic" because they will likely be with the individual for their whole life. But this doesn't mean that their sex life is over! By taking care of themselves, individuals with these STDs can lead sexually healthy and enjoyable lives. But part of that sex life may mean disclosing their status to a partner.

Do I Have To?

Letting sexual partners know in advance your STD status can help them make sexually healthy decisions for themselves, help them understand your sexual boundaries and allow you to decide as a couple what sexual behaviors you are comfortable with..

Timing Is Everything

Knowing when to share this information can be really important. Getting naked and then surprising your partner with the talk might make it more difficult to have a clear conversation - for both of you. Bringing up the conversation beforehand may allow you both the space to have an honest conversation. Find a time to talk together when sexual activity is not taking place; let them know about your STD status, stressing that you're telling them because you care about them, their health and the relationship.

Saying "It"

Once you've found a time to talk, the hardest part can actually be just saying, "I have an STD." Let the person know how you feel about them, and why you feel like it is important for them to know. Then, let them have space for their reaction. This may be hard. Keep in mind that while we can't control how someone might react to this information, we can have our own support. Having a friend who you can talk to about this beforehand and afterward can be really helpful.

Usually we fear that a partner will respond poorly to the news or reject us altogether. Consider the possibility that your partner will accept you and care about you just as much as before. But, they may have questions about the STD and what it will mean for your relationship.

Knowledge Is Power

Before you disclose your STD status to a partner, it can be really helpful to equip yourself with lots of information so you can answer their questions. You may also want to grab some brochures or print some from websites. If they seem overwhelmed, letting them digest the information at their own pace might help. Their reaction may be similar to your reaction when you first were diagnosed. They may need time. Once you can, talk together about what this means for your relationship including sex. What and when are higher risk activities? What is completely safe? What are they comfortable with? What are you comfortable with? What are the endless possibilities for safe, hot sex?

Remember, some people would rather know a partner has an STD and actively reduce transmission risk, than to have sex with people who don't know their status. In some ways, knowing the positive status of a partner and being open about risk reduction can be safer than not knowing. But assuming a partner is negative, as many people do when they don't have these difficult conversations, can hurt both of you in the long run.

Talking about STDs may be frightening, but it's also sexually healthy. Then you and your partner can get down to the business of Doin' It Well.

Check us out next week as we explore bisexuality.

Sex 411: Resources on Talking about STDs

Ebel, C. & Wald, A. (2002) Managing Herpes: How to Live and Love with a Chronic STD

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland want to know what you think. Share your thoughts with them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or post a comment at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/