What’s Love Got To Do With It? Sex & Love
In looking back over our Doin' It Well columns and brainstorming new ideas, it struck us that in all of our columns, we only mentioned love a handful of times. Maybe the idea that love and sex should go hand in hand makes us resist making that point. We've all had that drilled into our heads: "Sex is something you do with someone you love." We may have wanted to give permission and validation to our readers that sex doesn't always have to be about love, even within the most loving relationships. It seems to be the only time sex is permitted or justified is when there is love (or baby makin', as we discussed in a recent column).
But for people who are in love, sex can be a wonderful expression of that emotion. It can allow us to deeply connect with another person, allowing them to explore the sacred, intimate places of our body and soul. So, we thought it was time our sex column addressed love.
What's the Connection?
When we love someone romantically, we often want to share every part of ourselves with them. We want them to know us fully. We want to feel safe, loved and nurtured. We want to know that we share a special bond with someone. Sex provides a wonderful opportunity to enhance this connection. It allows us to open up ourselves to another person and share with them the ecstasy (and vulnerability) of sexual pleasure. Plus, research suggests that the hormones released during sex enhance feelings of connection and closeness. So sex and love make a lot of sense together.
Love or Initmacy?
According to Sternberg's theory of love, intimacy is one component of the triangle of passion, commitment and intimacy that encompasses "consummate love." Deepening the intimacy factor within your relationship can have an effect on the kind of "love" you experience.
Going Deeper
We are often taught either the biological aspects of sex and reproduction (what goes where) or the explicit physical aspects of various sexual acts (ex. people like oral sex). Rarely, do we have a space to explore and talk about how sex feels emotionally - for yourself, your partner, and your relationship. If you are interested in deepening the connection between you and your partner via sex, you may want to try a few things.
Look Into My Eyes
Looking into each other's eyes can be surprisingly personal, maybe even uncomfortable at first, because we may not be used to it. Try sitting naked together, face to face and just gaze at each other. Once the initial laughter is out of the way, look deeply into your partner's eyes and pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that arise in you. You may choose to share these reactions or just ponder them internally for yourself. Looking directly into someone's eyes and holding that gaze can be deeply intimate and connective. This also allows us to be more familiar with our partners and see them in a way that the daily hustle/bustle might not allow. Also, you can incorporate this into your lovemaking. You might slowly make love to each other with your eyes open, looking at each other the entire time. This can be an intense experience - one that some people really enjoy - while others may get wierded-out. There's nothing wrong with either reaction; just pay attention and share what you want to with your partner.
More than "I Love You"
Saying "I love you" is good, but don't stop there. Deepening intimacy and connection means sharing the deepest parts of ourselves with another - both physically and emotionally. If we feel as though we have to be the lover that we think our partner wants, we may not communicate fully with them our feelings, desires, or anxieties. Try sharing your worries or nervousness about sex with your partner or an insecurity you have. There's no reason to do all this at once; it may be better to take it slowly. However, by exploring these vulnerabilities with each other, you can open yourselves up to knowing each other more intensely, which can lead to more intimate sex.
Sexual Communion
Some people feel that being sexual with another is a very spiritual experience. Think of other ways you'd like to deepen the meaning and connection with your partner. Some people explore aspects of tantric sex and learn that great sex can be more about the connection with their partner than increased orgasmic intensity or "lasting longer." But you don't have to be Sting to making love spiritually; being open and honest with each other - both in and out of the bedroom - is a major aspect to enjoying a loving sexual relationship.
Stay tuned next week as Doin' It Well plays in the water!
Sex 411: The Meaning of Making Love
Explore what sex with this person means to you. Think about what you like about sharing sexual experiences with them, how it makes you feel and what your reactions are to your lovemaking. Share together with your partner.
Send Kim Rice and Ross Wantland your opinions, recipes, questions or column ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com
