Doin’ It Well

My sexuality is a really big part of who I am. I feel like since my parents do not know me in that way, they don’t really know me. How can I express my sensual side without it getting creepy?

Thanks for the great question! As we grow out of childhood, it can be hard for both us and our parents to realize we are sexual beings. It sounds like you have already successfully tackled the latter and now want to be more authentic with your folks. Here are some of our thoughts.

What Should They Know?

It sounds like there may be certain aspects of your sexuality that - if revealed for your parents - would make you feel more known to them. What do you want them to know more about to better understand you? Your sexual orientation? Gender identity? Relationship status, trials or celebrations? Political views? Sexual feelings, questions or values? Once you have figured out what you want to share, it may be helpful to start with one topic at a time.

For example, if you want them to learn more about your gender identity, maybe you can start expressing your gender differently in front of them. If they ask questions or comment on how you look, you can then start a conversation about the outfit, hairstyle, etc. you chose and how these and other things are tied to our gender expression. Keep in mind that when folks have never explored topics like gender and sexuality, it may be a confusing or difficult conversation to have. Give them time to allow these new topics to sink in.

Your Emergence

It can be helpful to consider that moving to a more authentic self in front of your parents is a process; you can slowly emerge from a cocoon, assessing along the way reactions from them and yourself. On the other hand, some people feel the need for a radical transformation; they start acting, dressing, talking, and expressing themselves differently in front of their parents. We can’t say which approach is best suited for you, but making a pros and cons list - while also realizing there may be options in between these two approaches - may be helpful.

The Talk

It can be a struggle to decide what information feels comfortable to share, while also recognizing that your parents don’t need to have access to every aspect of your private world. And, you might not want them to know everything; sometimes thicker boundaries can be beneficial. Remember that the more your folks know, the more they can comment, ask questions and be involved in your “intimate” life.

Consider how you think they might respond. Will your parents provide support, caring, and nurturing? Or, will they judge you or try to change your behaviors and beliefs? Sometimes we may hold onto our parents as nurturing protectors and are left feeling hurt, disappointed and confused when they do not give us the response we needed or expected. Remember, if you are feeling hesitant to talk to your parents about sexuality, it’s probably safe to assume that they are not the most comfortable, either.

Finding an Opening

Recently, Kim’s mother shared with her that she had seen the movies Milk and The Reader. This opened the door to talk about the content of the movies, from LGBT rights to religion & sexuality, age of consent, and how society has changed with respect to sexuality in both positive and detrimental ways. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk in the “hypothetical” first; discussing a show or newspaper article can give you a sense of how they might respond and increase comfort levels all around.

Parents of Choice

If you are looking for trusted adults to talk about these issues with, turn to friends; those you are close to who are also a little older can share their sage wisdom with you!

Although they might be difficult, these conversations can improve our relationships with our parents, allowing them to know who we are more fully.

Next week we’ll be introducing our new co-author and talking about keeping a rectum clean.

Send your questions and comments to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com

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[My partner] and I are proud new parents and everything is basically going great, except we dress our daughter in the “boys” clothes a lot because I think dresses are dumb and also we like the clothes with geeky stuff like robots and monkeys and monsters, none of which seem to come in the clothes labeled as “infant girl” –so we try not to assume things about her just because of her sex. But society resists a baby girl who doesn’t wear pink and I think raising a gender neutral child is going to get harder (she’s 6 months now). Any words of wisdom regarding parenting?

- L

Dear L,

First, congratulations on your baby. Your story of combating gender stereotyping really tickled and inspired us. We don’t know if we can add much to your wisdom, but it is an important issue for Doin’ It Well to explore!

What are you having?

We both have witnessed exactly what you’re talking about, and as a new dad, Ross can echo your concerns. The world of children’s clothing and toys are gendered, but then again, so is the world of adult clothing and merchandise. Maybe it’s just easier for us to see with small children. But it isn’t simply the options available and the gender assigned to them, it is also the pressures from family, friends, and even strangers – who are uncomfortable ultimately with androgynous (think David Bowie) or “cross-dressing” babies.

Somewhere around the time the sex of the child is ascertained, the gendering of the child’s future begins. Frequently, the assumptions of gender are so subtle and mundane that we don’t recognize them immediately. But one of the things that these can serve to do is to develop a set of expectations (and limitations) for our children. So the ability of a girl to love robots, or a boy to enjoy cooking or flowers gets set as “off-limits.” Rather than allowing our children to be any and all of the characteristics we know to be human, there’s a small subset that are okay and celebrated.

Stuck in Gender Neutral

Raising a gender neutral child is probably a whole other challenge, because whether we like it or not, our world is gendered and we are gendered. Whether we are masculine, feminine, or another gender identity, gender is a part of our lives. And all parents will (and should) struggle with how freely their child is able to choose their gender identity. As much as we may like to believe otherwise, it may not be in our control.

All of us (including our children) express ourselves in a variety of ways that are attached to gender, and it is our job as unconditionally loving adults to make room for children to discover who they are in spite of the rigid gender norms out there. If your son likes to play with a truck or your daughter a baby doll, we have to resist the reactionary piece that might make us want to yell, “Nooooo!”   Instead, play with them and find out what those toys and games mean to them – we might be surprised!

Good luck!

Not  Even Once

…I’ve read [your Living the High Life (in Bed) article, and] I am perplexed. Perhaps in your original copy there was something more about risk reduction, but I’m having a hard time finding much in the published article, except, perhaps to call 911 in an emergency, always good advice.

I don’t think that it came across clearly as to what the intended message is. We certainly don’t want to encourage them [college students] to use… do we?

I worry that when they get caught with only one hit of any of those non-addictive hallucinogens that they enter into the university’s zero-tolerance policy concerning controlled substances other than alcohol and marijuana that they will get thrown out of school.

-Dr. David Lawrance

Thank you for providing this feedback. It’s important and helpful for us to know how some folks might have interpreted our column. We definitely did not intend to send a message that drugs should be used to enhance sex.  Quite the opposite: we’re critical of the ways that we’re “promised” that alcohol or drugs will make for wild sex. In addition to the side effects of those drugs we listed, we also know that these substances decrease communication, physical sensation and pleasure, condom use, and are linked with an increase in perpetrating sexual assault.  We also realize the enormous pressures to be sexual and how all this gets tied together in ways that can be, ultimately, pretty complex.

Our goal, as always, was to provide information to help our readers make informed choices, because we know that telling someone to discontinue any behavior is unlikely to lead to any behavior change. Our hope is that the column can help readers to examine their values, the society they live in and how these factors ultimately affect their behaviors and their physical and emotional health- allowing them to make the best decisions for them.

Stay tuned until next week as we help a reader have “the talk” with their parents.

Kim and Ross are looking for your comments and questions. Send them to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com

Hi,

I just read your article about sex and biting…, and want to ask a question about it.
My husband wants to bite me hard and I want the bite marks, but [during] sex play I resist because of the pain. [My husband] has asked me if I don’t like biting, but I do. Can you suggest some exercises or a way to help me and my body get used to biting?

-Waiting for your reply

Dear Waiting,

Thanks for your question! It sounds like your dilemma is your desire to engage in a behavior that is physically uncomfortable for you.  It is important to question behaviors that don’t feel good to us - whether physically or emotionally - and explore ways to increase our comfort level.

First, we have to ask ourselves if the activity is truly pleasurable to us, or if we mainly are trying to please our partner.  Sometimes we engage in activities that aren’t our “favorite” because we like to see our partners so aroused. This isn’t necessarily unhealthy.

But, if it feels like we have to do something or our partners will be upset, angry, will leave us, etc., then that may no longer feel like as much of a choice!  When there is mutual caring between partners, we can recognize one person’s desire as OK and that our choice not to fulfill that desire or enjoy a behavior is OK. Neither is wrong; our preferences are just different.

Chewing On It

It may also be helpful to ask yourself what you like about being bitten? If you find that you like the idea of being bitten hard more than the real thing, perhaps your husband can pretend he’s biting down hard while really only gently nibbling. It’s also OK to say, “The idea of that really turns me on, but I don’t want it in real life because of the pain.” Loving and caring partners don’t want us to endure painful sex for their pleasure only.

It is important to keep in mind that the deliberate, responsible and consensual use of pain during sex is not about the giver experiencing pleasure from their partner’s pain but rather, them experiencing pleasure because of their partner’s pleasure derived from pain. If pleasure is missing for the receiver, than you may want to consider eliminating playing with pain during sex and focus on other behaviors that do make you feel really good.

Increased Tolerance?

If withstanding more pain is your goal, it may be something you can build your tolerance around. This is a process, and may take some time and patience. Be sure to continue communicating with your partner when the biting is no longer tolerable or doesn’t feel good. Experiment with  guiding your partner at a pace and pressure that feels good to you. If you show resistance, we recommend your partner make the decision not to bite you until you ask him to.

Keep in mind that whatever your pain threshold, the pleasure or enjoyment you experience from it should be more important than how hard the bite is. Each person has a different threshold for pain but that doesn’t make the painful pleasure they experience “less than” someone else’s pleasure. But, it also seems like you want the bite marks, which might require a harder bite. You might try slightly numbing the area with ice before and to soothe the area after the bite.  In general though, we do not recommend numbing out pain (or pleasure) with any substance (e.g., ice, drugs) during sex as it can increase injuries.

Being Bitten

Start by asking for light bites and instruct your partner to move to different parts of your body, not biting the same place twice.  Have them start with a soft bite and maintain the pressure (don’t let go). Very slowly, as you adjust to the sensation and if you can tolerate it, you can have them increase the pressure of the bite. As more pressure is applied, have them hold it gently for several seconds until you’ve adjusted to the sensation.

Experienced biters learn to read their partners and don’t apply more pain than is pleasurable for them. Increasing skill and decreasing pain with biting is as much your husband’s responsibility as a biter as it is yours as the receiver.

Instead of trying to change your reaction to this one behavior, focus on what you do like. There are countless ways to experience massive amounts of pleasure and excitement during sex. Part of the fun may be experimenting with your partner to find those that you both really enjoy!

We’ll be here next week answering another reader question. Keep them coming!

Sex 411: Safe Words

• Safe words can let your partner know what you want without interrupting the scene.
• Have safe words to let your partner know if it feels good, if you want more pain or pressure, or if you want your partner to stop.
• Some folks use “Green,” “Yellow,” and “Red,” which are easy to remember, even during the height of passion!

Kim and Ross want to hear your questions and suggestions. E-mail them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Talking about sexual issues can be difficult. Discomfort can increase when we want or need to discuss aspects our sexual health with a doctor or other healthcare provider. We may wonder how to bring up the topic, or what they might be thinking if we answer their questions honestly. This week Doin’ It Well decided to drop in on the conversation between patient and provider.

Some people may ask family or friends or look to websites to get answers to their sexual health questions. Those can be good sources of information, but sometimes they may not be as accurate as a person who is trained in the field of reproductive healthcare. That’s where medical providers can help out.

The Best Medicine

As we move into adulthood, we begin to take care of our healthcare needs without our parents help. When it comes to the area of sexual health, we may not want our parents involved. But, this means we have to learn to speak up for ourselves to get the sexual health care we need and deserve.

Seeing a healthcare provider can be the best medicine; assuming you’ve been as honest as you can with them, they know you and your medical and sexual history.

Remember, healthcare providers are there to make you well in the immediate sense. It may take time and investment on your end to talk with someone else about more lasting behavior changes to best protect your health.

But It’s Private

Our sexuality, including our sexual health is usually considered private. While that varies from person to person, this makes it difficult for those accessing sexual health care and those providing that care to be really comfortable talking about intimate issues.

It can be intimidating and uncomfortable to talk about something so personal. Especially when it comes to sexuality, a topic that often gets layered with moral judgment. Keep in mind that regardless of your concern, your healthcare provider has most likely heard it and seen it before, and their goal is to provide you with good medical care and keep you healthy.

If you notice your provider behaving awkwardly, it may be that they know this is a personal issue and don’t want you to be uncomfortable. It’s OK to say “I worry you’ll judge me” or “I feel like I’m being judged.” They may not realize how they come across, and they may not be judging you at all. They may be thinking about what you’ve said and the best care to provide.

Starting The Talk

When you call to make an appointment, tell your healthcare provider that you have sexual health questions. That might allow for an “opening” for the provider to ask you questions and start the conversation.

Before your appointment, write down the questions and concerns you have. You can ask any questions you want; they do not need to be related to any physical problems you might be having. Or, do an online assessment like the one at www.stdwizard.org and print out the results to bring to your appointment to show your provider. You can also include these if you fill out a “reason for visit” or “sexual history” form. 

If you don’t feel like you can verbalize your questions, simply hand them your list. By communicating that you are uncomfortable discussing this topic, it will allow them to say something comforting to put you at ease.

When to visit the doc

You should go visit your provider whenever you have questions about your health, like if you believe you have been exposed to an STD, if you experience pain or discomfort, itching, bleeding, burning, etc. The earlier you get symptoms checked out, the better; it can prevent any further complications.

Of course, prevention is the best medicine, so if you’re going to be or currently are sexually active, make an appointment with your healthcare provider to discuss strategies to protect your health and make healthy decisions.

At the end of the day, most healthcare providers just want to see you well and healthy. They want to provide the best possible care they can. At the same time, it’s their job to give you advice on how to be healthy, even if it may not be what we want to hear.

Stay tuned next week as we talk about sex & drugs.

Sex 411: Helpful Tips

• Ask your provider for resources, such as websites or other professionals, they recommend for your particular health concern.

• Be sure to fill out a comment card after the appointment to let them know what they did well, and include any tips for improvement in care.

• If you don’t like the provider you saw, you didn’t feel comfortable, they didn’t meet your needs or you simply didn’t “click,” arrange to see a new provider next time. Ask your friends for reproductive healthcare recommendations.

Kim and Ross are waiting for your questions. E-mail them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com