Doin’ It Well

Last week, nationally renowned speaker, performer, activist, educator and super cool woman Kate Bornstein was on campus to talk about the free expression of sex and gender. “Doin’ It Well” had an opportunity to sit down with Kate to get her expert opinion on the topic of gender identity.

DIW: Many people are interested in hearing your personal journey transitioning from one gender to another. How do you balance your presentations between teaching about the issue of gender and focusing on your own experiences with gender identity?

Kate: I use “edutainment.” Teaching has got to include personal stories to get into the heart. Talking about sex and gender is a heart issue: h-e-a-r-t. It requires that to work. Sometimes I use just entertainment or performance art which includes more of my personal stories.

DIW: What is your ultimate goal with your work?

Kate: Gender is just one of many systems of oppression. The ultimate goal is to see how all systems are tied in a knot with all the others and untie, unravel the knots of oppression.  It’s a spiritual journey more than a governmental one. It’s about asking ourselves, “Is this culture stopping me or anyone else from the free expression of sex and gender?” and if so, I have to act.

DIW:  Often, people believe that discussions about gender are for those who are genderqueer or LGBT. What should those who are comfortable with very traditional gender presentations be thinking about gender?

Kate: The gender binary is only one of many areas of oppression in the culture.  Your presentation of gender is dictated by your age, race, class, ability, citizenship, religion and social standards of beauty.  We don’t get to decide for ourselves how to “do” our gender; we obey rules. Any sign of feeling hindered with your sex or gender is time to go looking on the internet. It’s usually the spark that it takes to get people to look there for something different. With the degree of violence against women in the world, I don’t know of any woman who could be happy with the way gender plays out. You’re fooling yourself is you think all’s well. You can find places that are safe or to have fun, but not for everybody.

DIW: Which gender pronouns do you prefer? Are they consistent??

Kate: It depends on how much trouble I want to make! If I’m feeling cranky, I might request “ze”, “hir” or “they.” But, most of the time, I just prefer she and her.

DIW: What advice do you have for those who need to correct someone with the pronouns they are using for them?

Kate: Develop a good sense of humor because you are going against 1,000 years of usage. Be gentle. A person who is going through a transition knows it takes a long time. Grant people time.

DIW: What about advice for those who are interacting with someone who may be transitioning or someone who they are unsure of their gender?

Kate: The key to peace and harmony is respect. If someone says, “I’m ________,” we respect that. You can also say, “I’m sorry, I would like to honor your gender presentation but I’m not sure what pronouns to use with you. What would you prefer?”

DIW: What would you tell someone struggling to gain acceptance and support with their gender identity or presentation?

Kate: Use the internet to see if there is something in your hometown and if not, move. Get yourself to a city that celebrates people like you. If activism is your bent, start appearing more and more in public as yourself as the sex and gender outlaw you are. Use social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. That is exactly what they are for and when you travel, you can hook up with those friends.

DIW: Where were you able to find support throughout your life with respect to gender identity and gender issues?

Kate: There are large communities of gender outlaws. They are everywhere. Some you have to look harder to find, but they’re there. Sex and gender outlaws have always been underground. Although some places are OK with LGBT, but how about sadomasochism? What about sex workers? What about those into kink? Not all LGBT centers or communities support these people. People who are celebrating the free expression of sex and gender are who I’m looking for.

DIW: If you could make one statement about gender in this country what would it be?

Kate:  Gender is two and two only, which leaves out a whole lot of people and robs all of us the need to use our imagination to figure out how we want to express our gender. If gender is an expression of desire, limiting it to two limits our options of desire.

Check us out next week as we explore the slippery slope of lube.

Sex 411 Get more of Kate Bornstein

• www.hellocruelworld.net
• twitter.com/katebornstein
• http://www.katebornstein.com/KatePages/indexkb.htm
• http://katebornstein.typepad.com/

Jo & Ross are ready for more questions! Send them in to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Jo and Ross,

Is it normal and O.K. to be celibate for many years?  I am a 45 year old woman who has been divorced for 6 years and I have only had one boyfriend for 2 years after that, and then 4 1/2 years single with only one 2-month sexual relationship a few months ago.  I do not want to hook-up or just have sex without caring or to get hurt. 

I worry that I am abnormal because your column I read every week always emphasizes that all kinds of sex is a normal and healthy way of life.  I don’t believe in “abstinence education” but I do believe in abstinence for myself under the circumstances of not being able to find anyone special and sexually compatible with me. 

I miss closeness rather than the sex.  Am I “frigid?”  A “spinster?”  “Frustrated?”  All these words that come to … harass me in my head and trouble me.  My woman friend says there is always solo-sex, but I don’t think this is what I am worried about.

Please, please advise me as I am feeling desperately abnormal.

Thank you,

A Single Woman 

Dear A Single Woman:
Thank you for writing in! It’s true that we are inundated with messages about sex, that “everybody’s doing it” and how we can, should and could be even sexier than we are now! Even our column can promote the idea that everyone is sexually active all the time, whether by themselves or with partners. Of course, being sexually healthy includes much more than just “sex!”

It’s Perfectly Normal

Not feeling sexual, having decreased sexual desire, or choosing to not be sexual with ourselves or others is perfectly healthy, normal and practiced by many of us at different points in our lives. Whether it’s due to experiencing the blues after a breakup, discomfort after childbirth or because we are waiting to be “in love” with our partner, lots of people delay, postpone and choose not to have sex. This happens to people within relationships and to people who are single.

Cravings

While it’s normal to crave sex, there are also other aspects of our sexuality beyond just the physical acts of “sex.” All humans have a need for touch. In fact, babies can’t survive if touch-deprived. As adults, we won’t whither away without physical contact, but the desire and need for affection remains.

Another aspect of the closeness you mention is intimacy shared between two people. Often, these needs are met primarily within a romantic relationship. But, just because you are not currently in a relationship does not mean you cannot get these needs met. Simply identifying that these are missing from your life may allow you to consider ways you may be able to foster affection, touch, and intimacy in other relationships with friends or family members.

On Being Sexually Healthy

Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on being coupled or in a romantic relationship as a marker of being “healthy.” It can be challenging to be single for many years without wondering “Am I normal?” For ”Doin’ It Well,” it’s not so much about whether or not you are normal (of course you are!) but  “Are you happy?” If the things you want, crave, desire or need in your life are not present (and we can all usually identify something), talking to someone like a therapist can help work through these feelings.

There are many aspects to our sexuality and what enhances our sexual health. Some include sexual behaviors while others incorporate physical health and development; relationships, spirituality, emotions and personal skills like living according to our values and making good decisions for ourselves. Sexuality encompasses all of who we are; the key to being sexually healthy is to nurture our complete sexuality.

Relationship Satisfaction

Sex occurs within the context of a relationship with another person, however that is defined. Whether hooking up or a long term commitment, the interaction with another and how that looks and feels to us is a piece of sexuality.

Benefits of age usually include wisdom and increased insight. While some people might be more physically sexually active or have more sexual partners, this doesn’t equal satisfying relationships (although it might). Everyone is different, and our needs and wants with regard to sex and relationships change. It sounds to us as though you know exactly what you are (and aren’t) looking for in a relationship. While you can recognize that you miss sex and closeness, you can also remain confident that you are not willing to sacrifice safety - physical or emotional - simply to have “sex.” We think this is a wise choice, since having sex when the conditions are not ideal can lead to dissatisfaction-sexually or otherwise.

Join us next week when we’ll talk with gender outlaw, Kate Bornstein!

Sex 411:  Complex Sex

• Sexuality is more than just “sex;” affection and non-genital touching are also important sexual behaviors

• Talking to a counselor or therapist can help us identify aspects of our sexuality we are struggling with in a supportive environment

Jo & Ross have been answering lots of reader questions. Keep sending them in to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com!

Dear Jo and Ross,

Is it normal and O.K. to be celibate for many years? I am a 45 year old woman who has been divorced for 6 years and I have only had one boyfriend for 2 years after that, and then 4 1/2 years single with only one 2-month sexual relationship a few months ago. I do not want to hook-up or just have sex without caring or to get hurt.

I worry that I am abnormal because your column I read every week always emphasizes that all kinds of sex is a normal and healthy way of life. I don’t believe in “abstinence education” but I do believe in abstinence for myself under the circumstances of not being able to find anyone special and sexually compatible with me.

I miss closeness rather than the sex. Am I “frigid?” A “spinster?” “Frustrated?” All these words that come to … harass me in my head and trouble me. My woman friend says there is always solo-sex, but I don’t think this is what I am worried about.

Please, please advise me as I am feeling desperately abnormal.

Thank you,
A Single Woman

Dear A Single Woman:
Thank you for writing in! It’s true that we are inundated with messages about sex, that “everybody’s doing it” and how we can, should and could be even sexier than we are now! Even our column can promote the idea that everyone is sexually active all the time, whether by themselves or with partners. Of course, being sexually healthy includes much more than just “sex!”

It’s Perfectly Normal
Not feeling sexual, having decreased sexual desire, or choosing to not be sexual with ourselves or others is perfectly healthy, normal and practiced by many of us at different points in our lives. Whether it’s due to experiencing the blues after a breakup, discomfort after childbirth or because we are waiting to be “in love” with our partner, lots of people delay, postpone and choose not to have sex. This happens to people within relationships and to people who are single.

Cravings
While it’s normal to crave sex, there are also other aspects of our sexuality beyond just the physical acts of “sex.” All humans have a need for touch. In fact, babies can’t survive if touch-deprived. As adults, we won’t whither away without physical contact, but the desire and need for affection remains.

Another aspect of the closeness you mention is intimacy shared between two people. Often, these needs are met primarily within a romantic relationship. But, just because you are not currently in a relationship does not mean you cannot get these needs met. Simply identifying that these are missing from your life may allow you to consider ways you may be able to foster affection, touch, and intimacy in other relationships with friends or family members.

On Being Sexually Healthy
Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on being coupled or in a romantic relationship as a marker of being “healthy.” It can be challenging to be single for many years without wondering “Am I normal?” For ”Doin’ It Well,” it’s not so much about whether or not you are normal (of course you are!) but “Are you happy?” If the things you want, crave, desire or need in your life are not present (and we can all usually identify something), talking to someone like a therapist can help work through these feelings.

There are many aspects to our sexuality and what enhances our sexual health. Some include sexual behaviors while others incorporate physical health and development; relationships, spirituality, emotions and personal skills like living according to our values and making good decisions for ourselves. Sexuality encompasses all of who we are; the key to being sexually healthy is to nurture our complete sexuality.

Relationship Satisfaction
Sex occurs within the context of a relationship with another person, however that is defined. Whether hooking up or a long term commitment, the interaction with another and how that looks and feels to us is a piece of sexuality.

Benefits of age usually include wisdom and increased insight. While some people might be more physically sexually active or have more sexual partners, this doesn’t equal satisfying relationships (although it might). Everyone is different, and our needs and wants with regard to sex and relationships change. It sounds to us as though you know exactly what you are (and aren’t) looking for in a relationship. While you can recognize that you miss sex and closeness, you can also remain confident that you are not willing to sacrifice safety - physical or emotional - simply to have “sex.” We think this is a wise choice, since having sex when the conditions are not ideal can lead to dissatisfaction-sexually or otherwise.

Join us next week when we’ll talk with gender outlaw, Kate Bornstein!

Sex 411: Complex Sex

• Sexuality is more than just “sex;” affection and non-genital touching are also important sexual behaviors

• Talking to a counselor or therapist can help us identify aspects of our sexuality we are struggling with in a supportive environment

Jo & Ross have been answering lots of reader questions. Keep sending them in to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com!

Hello,
I read your article on male sexual health and I have a question. I used to work out like 3 times a week, most of it were pumping weights and cardio. I stopped doing this for the past 2 years. Also I am working on starting a company by myself and doing my PhD. For some reason I am not getting the kind of erection that I used to, is it because of my personal or professional problems?

Thanks,

MV

Thanks for writing us, MV. Fluctuations in the strength of erections are common concerns for men. Often, we aren’t taught how our bodies work during sexual arousal, which raises questions when we notice our sexual responses changing. Let’s talk a little bit about the anatomy of the penis and the physiology of an erection – and what lifestyle changes can mean for one’s wood.

At Attention

An erection is produced when blood is trapped in the spongy tissue of the penis (or clitoris, women get erections, too!). As erections are controlled by your involuntary nervous system, (like digestion), you can’t will them to happen, like snapping your fingers. In fact, erections are a much more complex process than we might think.

During an erection, the spongy tissue of the penis, become engorged in response to physical (touch) and/or psychological (thoughts) stimulation. When this stimulation occurs, the brain sends a message to the pelvic area, causing the arteries into the penis to dilate, increasing blood flow. Simultaneously, a muscle at the base of the penis tightens, constricting veins that , decreases blood flow leaving the penis.

As stimulation increases, this may mean that the amount of blood – therefore the erection itself – increases. When the stimulation is decreased or after orgasm, the veins dilate allowing the blood to exit the penis. So in order for an erection to occur, there must be 1) sexual stimulation, 2) a nervous system response, and 3) increased (and constricted) blood flow into the penis.

Hard To Say

There are many different issues that can affect the strength of an erection, all related to the three aspects above.

First, age impacts erections. As we age, the length of time and stimulation it may take to achieve an erection may increase. Additionally, the firmness of the erection itself may decrease. However, this may also be accompanied by increased control over ejaculation. . This is a natural and wonderful part of aging, but because many men may feel as though their masculinity is connected to their ability to have a quick, hard erection, it may not feel so wonderful.

Second, because the nervous system plays such an important role (both in the sensation of being “turned on” and the subsequent nerve response) emotional distractions, such as anxiety or stress, can make it difficult to focus on the experience. If, as you mention, a man is experiencing pressure at work or school, it can be difficult to be in the mood. When we add to this the pressure men may place upon themselves to be sexual – messages that many men internalize about how they should always be ready for sex – men may get caught in an anxiety loop, worrying about achieving and maintaining an erection, which may decrease the erection strength, which may increase the worry, etc.

Third, medical issues can impact the ability to achieve an erection. Vascular conditions, alcohol, smoking, diabetes, and medication can all impact the body’s ability to respond to sexual stimuli and maintain blood flow. The changes in exercise you mention might impact the firmness of an erection, but it might not be simply physical. Exercise may encourage blood flow generally, but it may also help connect you to your body and increase self-esteem, which can guard against some of the psychological factors affecting erections.

Wood Working

Whatever might be causing the changes in your erections, the first thing to do is to give yourself (and your body) a break. Erections aren’t magical, and they vary for many reasons.Also, a satisfying, pleasurable sexual experience isn’t about how hard erections are, but the variety of ways that individuals may pleasure themselves and each other during sex.

That said, if anxiety and stress are impacting erections, you might need to pay attention to this stress . This could mean finding a mental health professional or sex therapist who you can talk with about the particular issues you mention. If you suspect there may also be a medical component to the erection, talk to a medical professional about your concern. They can work with you to identify any medical causes that could be impacting erections.

Often, drugs like Viagra are seen as a “cure” for erectile issues. But these drugs merely impact one piece of the erection process ; they aren’t a panacea. We are critical of the ways that medicine may be prescribed for an issue that can be largely psychological or part of a natural decline due to aging. Medication may be one option for addressing erectile concerns, but it cannot substitute for communication with your sexual partner or awareness of our own feelings and distractions about the sexual experience.

Join us next week as we answer a reader’s question on celibacy!

Sex 411: Erectile Education

• Metz & McCarthy. Coping with Erectile Dysfunction.
• Ziebergeld, B. The New Male Sexuality.

Jo and Ross enjoy answering our readers’ questions. Send them to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Hi Jo & Ross. Here’s a suggestion: Feminist Porn!-RS

Dear RS,
Thanks for writing in! This is a great topic and we’re happy to take a look at it in our column.

An Oxymoron?
Historically feminists have dominated the discourse in response to pornography. Since the 1970’s, feminists groups critiqued, educated, spoke out about and called for an end to the violent, degrading, sexually exploitive, racist, sexist and homophobic images in mainstream pornography. Organizations like Feminists Against Pornography want a stop to a porn culture, including a stop to the consumption of mainstream porn.

But, Annie Sprinkle, a porn star, sexologist and feminist porn activist has said “The answer to bad porn isn’t no porn, it’s more porn!”

A Different Take
In the 1980’s, a new form of pornography started to emerge: Feminist Porn. What makes it different from regular porn? While there are no standards or clear cut guidelines, most in the industry agree that in order to be called “feminist,” the porn needs to have a woman involved in production, show mutuality and respect in the sexual interactions, and represent authentic female desires. Often, a broad range of gender identities, sexualities, and body types are represented; actors are encouraged to create the scene they want to film; and attention is paid to the treatment, health and working conditions of the actors. All of these characteristics are quite different from mainstream porn.

According to Alison Lee of Good For Her, a dominant theme in films considered feminist porn is consent and agency both of the actors and the depiction of these within the sexual scene being filmed. Feminist porn is also hot, kinky and hardcore! In this way, feminist porn goes beyond mainstream pornography, which overwhelming represents the same activities over and over (double penetration, oral, vaginal, anal, multiple men with one woman, and facials). By promoting women’s voices, feminist porn shows the truer variation of sexual fantasies-and more accurately depicts the fantasies of women.

What a Man Wants
Mainstream porn is misleading in its depiction of what women want and enjoy sexually. When females like Candida Royalle, Tristan Taormino, Courtney Trouble, Nina Hartley and others are directing, we notice an absence of facials, ass-to-mouth, double-penetration, and women being called degrading names. Mainstream porn also tells us that men fantasize about humiliating and degrading women (something men should be upset with porn about!). Since pornography is largely made by men for the consumption of other men, it socializes and conditions men’s sexual response in certain ways-ways that may not be compatible with real life relationships. Feminist porn attempts to diversify what is out there, with the hope that people will ultimately decide to watch something more humane, more respectful, more realistic, and more reflective of actual fantasies, particularly those of women.

More of the Same?
We have also noticed that as feminist porn becomes more mainstream, things like body diversity seems to lessen (or get fetishized – like natural pubic hair). Additionally, while working conditions might be a huge improvement from doing ass-to-mouth scenes, we also have to consider the factors that led these women into the industry to begin with, which can include limited economic options or a history of violence. Women’s choices are complex and some women may make a conscious decision to enter the sex trade industry. While self-proclaimed feminist porn can be a welcome respite from the sex-negative and misogynistic world of mainstream porn, we also have to be vigilant about the ways an industry can capitalize upon and co-opt our sexual desires.

You decide
Some people (including quite a few men we know) choose not to consume any kind of pornography. Others seek out images that represent (at least on screen) mutually satisfying and respectful sexual interactions. Still others are less discriminate in what they watch, and may view what’s convenient or available for free online. Ultimately, we all have to decide how we want to spend our money, which industries we want to support, and what images we want to look at to get turned on.

Check us next week as we go from soft to hard.

Sex 411: And the Award Goes To…
Good For Her’s Feminist Porn Awards honor those who are doing it well in the porn industry. Winners must meet at least one of the following:
• A woman had a hand in the production, writing, direction, etc. of the work.
• It depicts genuine female pleasure
• It expands the boundaries of sexual representation on film and challenges stereotypes of mainstream porn.
And of course, it has to be hot! Find out more at www.goodforher.com

Jo & Ross are thankful for all the reader questions & suggestions! Keep them coming! Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com.