Doin’ It Well

 Bondage and S/M has entered the mainstream. Whether watching TV or attending a bachelor(ette) party, off-hand references to safe words or handcuffs abound. But do we really know what all that means? BDSM – standing for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadomasochism - is a broad term for sex that involves an explicit, consensual power exchange between partners. This power exchange is not assumed, and can include anything from flogging to feathers – and much more. “Doin’ It Well” wanted to examine BDSM – and help our readers developing their kink-sense.

The Kink Link

BDSM includes many ways of playing. Bondage means restraining a partner for sexual pleasure, such as using handcuffs or rope. Discipline, is the use of rules or punishment in a sexual scene, which can be physical and/or psychological. Dominance and submission, related to discipline, is a power exchange between partners, one taking the role of “dom” (in charge) and one the “sub” or “bottom.” Dominance and submission is largely about the mental approach the partners take to the relationship. At an extreme, dominance and submission can include 24/7 (or “total power exchange”) role playing of the dom/sub relationship in all areas of their lives. Finally, sadomasochism (S/M) is probably the most well known term in the BDSM vernacular. Referring to both sadism (enjoying inflicting pain on others) and masochism (enjoying receiving pain), S/M includes most of the more physical aspects used to inflict real or symbolic pain during sex.

There are many reasons why folks enjoy BDSM. The experience of exploring power dynamics, role playing, and trust within a sexual relationship can be both pleasurable and enlightening. In fact, many people already engage in some form of power play, even if they don’t call it that, including blindfolding or light bondage. Additionally, non-sexual physical sensations (like feathers, pinching, or icecubes) may intensify sexual arousal or sensations.

BDSMville

Unlike the depictions of BDSM behaviors on TV or in mainstream porn, people who engage in BDSM often do so with a lot of communication with both partners and non-partners. We recently heard about a BDSM dungeon (club where patrons can engage in public sex) that employed “consent checkers” – individuals who asked each person engaging in a scene if they were safe and willing. There wasn’t shame or embarrassment about checking for consent; it was just one rule of the community. We were blown away. Imagine if this were a model for everyone – if you knocked on your roommate’s door to make sure everyone was cool with what might be going on!

Playing It Safe

Safety is incredibly important in a BDSM scene or relationship. A major component in playing with a partner is trust – one partner trusts another with their body. This means that partners have to be in touch with one another, knowing what is within the limits and what is not. This is why many BDSM players may have a pre-established safe word or words they can use to increase, decrease, or stop the behavior. Because words like “no” may be used as part of a role-play, the safe word is determined ahead of time, known by all partners, and almost impossible to come up in the context of the scene. (A recent episode of How I Met Your Mother used “flugelhorn” as a couple’s safe word.) In addition to safe words, this means being aware of the risk of serious injuries associated with a behavior, and educating yourself beforehand to know how to practice it safely.

Trust Fall

“Doin’ It Well” has talked a lot about what consent looks like in all relationships, but consent takes on incredible importance in BDSM. As trust is critical to power play, active consent is also critical. In addition to developing and honoring safe words and limits, this trust is increased by talking beforehand (and checking in afterwards) about the experience. Mainstream media paints a picture that BDSM should be sprung on a partner as a way to liven up a monotonous sexual relationship. If we haven’t developed a “scene” with our partner beforehand, “surprising” them by handcuffing them or pouring hot wax on them is not safe, consensual, or about enhancing mutual pleasure and is definitely not sexy. In fact, it’s the intense communication and connection beforehand that allows for hot, intense, enjoyable power exchange during the scene.

There may be other questions or concerns related to the specific acts you’re interested in. Check out the resources below or check it out on the web. If you want to play – by yourselves or as part of the BDSM community – being safe, open, and consensual is the key!

Check us out next week as “Doin’ It Well” looks at the “new” drunk dialing!

Sex 411: BDSM Resources

Califia, P. Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples

Morpheous. How to be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

Wiseman, J. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

Jo and Ross thank all the wonderful readers who have been sending their thoughts and suggestions. Keep it up at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com