Doin’ It Well

As Halloween approaches, “Doin’ It Well” turns attentions to the most horrifying and ghastly transformation of all: puberty. The changes undergone during puberty - developing secondary sex characteristics and the accompanying feelings that can come along with it - usher in a new phase of sexuality for teens. What is there to be afraid of? Let “Doin’ It Well” guide you down the ghoulish path of puberty’s horrors.

Hairy Palms

The social expectations for young men and women are different, and horror movies depict this well.  Teen Wolf is an excellent narrative about boys’ sexual coming-of-age. Scott, a lovable dork that just can’t seem to assert himself, begins to notice his body changing, including a deeper voice, claws, and hairy palms. When he gets anxious, mad, or aroused, his “wolf” comes out, until he can’t hide it any longer. His “wolf” is athletic, suave, and in control, in many ways a perfect man, but he’s also egotistic and selfish.  In the end, he tames his beast and learns to incorporate his “wolf” into himself.

Movies like Teen Wolf perhaps correctly suggest that puberty is rife with anxiety and struggles. We can see Teen Wolf as a story about a young man trying to figure out how to control his body as he’s experiencing new sexual feelings and urges.   But they also carry on a dangerous narrative about male sexuality - it’s wild, primitive, and unstoppable.

Not Me!

Stories about teen men’s sexuality often place these sexual urges outside of their control. Not only does this discourage men from seeing their sexuality, desires, and actions as being a part of who they are, but it also allows us to excuse violent behaviors as beyond the man’s control. In the film, Idle Hands, the main character Anton has a real problem on his hand; it’s demon-possessed, violent and maybe just a little horny. As his hand gropes women and slaughters his family, it’s all done with a wink and a nod to the idea that once a man gets turned on it’s just so difficult to stop.

The Curse

For women, there is a whole different set of worries associated with puberty. Menstruation, breasts, telekinesis… You just never know. Yes, we are talking about Carrie, the awkward and homicidal title character. In the film’s beginning, Carrie discovers that she is bleeding from between her legs while in the locker room showers. Unaware about menstruation or her body (and a case for comprehensive sex education if there ever was one), Carrie’s panic also sets off her ability to move things with her mind. Her final straw, a blood-soaking prank designed to humiliate her, leads Carrie to murder the entire school and her sex-negative mom.

For young women, puberty isn’t so much about gaining a special power, as it is being cursed. In many of these stories, women’s sexuality is out of control, but in a totally different way than that of young men. We have to be protected from it, and she from herself. And in the end, everyone dies. See ladies, puberty is just full of surprises.

It’s also worth noting that when men’s puberty is the subject, the movie is lighthearted, perhaps a dark comedy. When women’s sexuality is being discussed, however, we can expect a gruesome and gritty story, much more horror than anything else.

Bloodlust

A new genre of teen sex horror is upon us now: the vampire. As Twilight has taught us, women have sexual urges, too; they are hot for vampires!  Bella, the new girl who doesn’t quite fit in, meets Edward, a vampire who is practicing bloodsucking abstinence. Overcome by his undead beauty, Bella tries several times to lure him into her bed. But when he gets too excited,Edward’s vamp instincts kick in and he withdraws to “save himself” from biting her. The movie, then, walks a line between Bella’s sexual desires and Edward’s attempts at protecting her from his dangerous urges.

The new part here is that the girl is also a complex, sexual being, rather than an object to be acted upon. And yes, we think that’s progress. But he also paternalistically “protects” her from his beastly tendencies. And that sounds like more of the same.

Trick or Treat?

Despite our criticisms, these movies do bring up the subject of puberty and teen sexuality, which is a start. Throughout our lives, our sexuality is constantly shifting, but perhaps most during puberty. These stories capture the insecurities, fears, angst, and social anxieties that accompany many of us through puberty and beyond.

At the same time, youth are much more complex than the stories show. Both young men and young women are figuring out sexual desires and arousal, and both struggle with the feelings during this phase. For a real scare, next time you’re watching a horror film, think about what it’s saying about sex, and what’s missing.

Join us next week as we look at feminist porn.

Sex 411:  More Puberty Fright Films!

• Ginger Snaps (2000)
• Idle Hands (1999)
• My Demon Lover (1987)

Send Jo and Ross your questions and ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Hi,
(Quite) a while back you (or rather, your predecessors) had a column on Sex Addiction. Unfortunately, it was run in the summer, so most of the readers that might benefit from such an article were likely not around. Therefore, I would like to encourage you to rerun/update it, as a service for those suffering from this affliction.
-PF

Thanks for writing in! It has been a few years since “Doin’ It Well” has printed anything on sex addiction, so we appreciate the opportunity to revisit this topic.
C’mon, Really?
It has taken awhile for sex addiction to be viewed with legitimacy. Even today, we often hear the term used flippantly as a way to tease someone about their sexual desire, behaviors, or high sex drive. We might chuckle at the irony of Californication star David Duchovny entering treatment. Sometimes, the shame of sex addiction is used as a way to scare people into behaving a certain way sexually (i.e., “sex outside of marriage could lead to a dangerous sexual addiction”). Even professionals in the helping field have debated the topic of sexual addiction.
The Serious Side
What is known, especially by those who struggle with it, is that some people do experience persistent and compulsive sexual “acting out” and distress about those behaviors. Sex addiction can be defined as a pattern of behavior focused on sexual expression used to cope with the stresses of life. According to Sex Addicts Anonymous “[T]he essence of all addiction is the addicts’ experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing.” These behaviors continue despite negative consequences. A key feature of sex addiction is a feeling of powerlessness and what distinguishes it from healthier sexual behavior is that a person feels out of control. They may have tried to stop or change their behaviors but couldn’t.
Sex addiction can take many forms, not just sex with partner(s). A person might have numerous sexual encounters, maybe with different partners. Or a person might obsessively and/or compulsively view pornography or spending most of their time finding, downloading or exchanging sexual images or materials. Or it might include cyber sex with others. Just like other addicts, the sex addict uses sex in an attempt to alter their mood, to numb feelings or escape pain. These motivations may not be conscious to them and often, those addicted to sexual behaviors are unaware of either their problem or that sex addiction actually exists.
I love sex, am I addicted?
No single behavior indicates a sexual addiction, and just because someone feels like they have a high sex drive does not alone designate a problem. There are many lists and assessment tools online to help people determine if they may have a problematic relationship with sex. Remember that it can be best to speak with a professional, particularly a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) to explore any concerns you might have. Just because someone exhibits a behavior or characteristic does not mean they are addicted to sex.
Common features of sex addiction include: spending a lot of your time, energy, and sometimes money planning experiencing and recovering (emotionally or physically) from sexual experiences; feeling like sex has overtaken your life to the extent that thoughts about it or experiences with it interfere with work, social or family obligations; taking higher risks than you normally would or that go against your values; and continuing to engage in behaviors even after experiencing consequences such as debt, loss of relationships, loss of job or STDs.

Finding Support
Because of the shame and isolation those suffering with addictive or compulsive sexual behavior can feel, seeking support can have a tremendous positive impact. Thanks again to PF who provided us with the following local information:
We would like to bring to your attention two Champaign support groups: Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). These groups seek to help people stop compulsive emotional and sexual behavior, and are based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, although there is no organizational affiliation with AA. There are no dues or fees for membership; the only requirement is a desire to stop compulsive behavior. Also, the anonymity of all members is protected with special care. There are currently three one-hour meetings per week in Champaign (noon and evening). Further information can be obtained by visiting our website (http://www.champaign-saa.org), emailing us at saainfo@champaign-saa.org, or leaving a message at (800) 557-9052.Get scared next week with the horrors of teen sexuality!

 
Sex 411: Additional Addiction Resources
• Visit www.iitap.com to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT).
• Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes continues to be recognized as the groundbreaking work in the field of sex addiction
• Visit www.saa.org for a list of additional resources

Send your questions to Jo and Ross at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Jo and Ross

Here’s a suggestion [for a column]: genderqueer.

-R

R, thanks for writing us! Readers: Have you ever felt like you weren’t a “real” man or “real” woman? Do you question whether a two-gender system is the answer? Then you, our friend, may be just a little bit genderqueer. Genderqueer is a term which, like transgender, challenges traditional gender roles and assignments. But more specifically, genderqueer people live outside of the two gender system, both actively and unintentionally.

Drag Show

To borrow a line from Judith Butler, gender is a drag. As we have talked about before, sex may be the physiological/scientific assignment (although even this isn’t perfect), but gender is the performance with associated sex. Just think about the ways you transform your appearance daily  to signal your gender to others. A suit or dress. Shaving. A button-up or a blousy shirt. Long hair or short spike. These are part of our gender identity, the way we view ourselves, but it’s also part of the ways we choose to perform our gender for others. Genderqueer is both this internal identity and the performance.

A Spectrum of Gender

Researcher Sandra Bem theorized that gender might not be simply one continuum with masculine on one end and feminine on another, but that there could be two spectrums, one of masculine behaviors and another of feminine behaviors. Someone could feasibly exhibit both strongly masculine and strongly feminine behaviors and be androgynous, have neither masculine nor feminine characteristics and be asexual, or fall somewhere in between. Genderqueer people may see themselves in masculine and/or feminine terms, or - going one step further than Bem - may decide that their gender performance is neither feminine, masculine, androgynous, or asexual - but some other gender variety altogether.

For people who may identify under the broad umbrella of genderqueer, there may be a lot of additional ways they may identify their gender. Here are just a few: androgyne, boi, transboi, gender bender, multi-gendered, boydyke, transgender, and transcender. While transgender is an umbrella term that encompasses a host of gender transgressions, genderqueer specifically “queers” the idea of what it means to be a man or a woman, and insists upon fluidity with gender identity.

WTF?

To that end, this also raises the term “genderfuck” - which means to intentionally “fuck” with gender. Having a beard and wearing a skirt, or any gender performance that juxtaposes masculine and feminine together is a genderfuck - a play on the traditional ideas of gender.

Genderqueer and genderfuck are as much an intentional statement about the strict gender roles in society as it is people simply living the identity they wish to live. Many of us alter our bodies to conform to gender roles. For some people who identify as genderqueer, their bodies have never fully allowed them to live in any one space - their gender identity has been questioned as long as they can remember. For others, genderqueer is about carving out this new space intentionally, so although they may be able to physically fit within traditional gender norms, they are choosing to challenge it.

What’s Hir Problem?

Genderqueer individuals may also explore the gendered pronouns that are used in the English language. Some people may prefer to use ze, sie, hir, or simply a singular they to convey their own gender identity.  These pronouns may challenge the ways we think about the everyday gendering in our lives - how things like cars or animals are given gendered identities, or how we presume to know the gender identities of people we meet.

Kate Bornstein, author, performance artist, and activist, is a great example of this. Born biologically male and undergoing sex reassignment to become a woman, Kate began to realize that ze was neither a man, nor a woman, but some other gender identity altogether.  Hir blogs, books, and performance pieces reflect the fluidity of gender and the paradoxes of a two-gender structure. (Kate will be visiting campus November 16^th thru the 18^th, so stay tuned!)

To understand genderqueer, we have to understand our own feelings about the idea of a gender binary (rather than fluidity). This means challenging our desire to know and label other’s genders, and respecting how others identify their gender. Remember, the individual knows their gender far better than you!

Don’t Forget!

This Sunday is the Greater Community AIDS Project and Alpha Epsilon Phi AIDS Walk to raise money for GCAP. There is no cost for participating in the walk, but donations are accepted and t-shirts are $10. Come out to Illini Grove (Pennsylvania and Lincoln) on Sunday from 12:30-3pm to help benefit Champaign County residents living with HIV/AIDS.

Join us next week as we explore sex addiction.

Sex 411: Genderqueer Resources

Bornstein, K. My Gender Workbook and Gender Outlaw

Nestle, Wilchins, & Howell. GenderQueer: Voices from Beyond the Sexual Binary

Send your suggestions to Jo and Ross at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com

Hi Jo & Ross, here’s an idea for your column: Drunk Texting! –DM

Great idea, DM! Thanks for writing in. Drunk dialing, which started as a play on drunk driving, refers to calling someone while intoxicated and either talking to them or leaving them a message. Newer technology has brought us drunk texting and drunk posting (on Facebook, Twitter, etc.). Most of us have probably received or sent one at some point; this summer Jo even received random drunk texts from a person she didn’t know who had the wrong number!

Your Call Is Important To Us
As we all know, alcohol lowers inhibitions. When we’ve been drinking, we may feel more comfortable doing things we might not do sober, like talking to that hot guy or asking a woman for her number. At the more extreme, alcohol can impair our judgment in very negative ways, like not paying attention as we cross the street or mouthing off to a cop.

It may be the part of intoxication that strips away our psychological defenses that impacts the drunk messaging. Emotions and feelings that we may normally keep in check (or are unaware of) seep out, like loneliness, frustration, anger, sexual desire or sadness. When we feel these things and our judgment is altered, it might allows us to tell or text someone what we really feel, without our inner voice saying “That’s probably not a good idea” or “Think about the consequences of this.” Often, what we experience is “I don’t give an F—” - at least not until the next day.

People drunk dial, text or message for a variety of reasons. For the sake of this column, we want to focus on those that are sent to a former or future love interest and examine why this happens. In these scenarios, a person might text an ex or a current crush, or text for the sake of hooking up.

(Don’t) Blame it on the Alcohol…
We have all heard the common expressions: “Oh my God, I was so drunk I…” Or “I totally would not have done that if I wasn’t drunk.” Sometimes, alcohol serves as the perfect excuse. But even when we’re drunk, we are still the same person as we are sober and the parts of us that come out when we’re drunk are still there when we sober up.

Alcohol’s effects might be the reason we decided to press “send,” but it’s not the reason why we wanted to send the message in the first place. Exploring those motivations might be helpful. Often, people feel remorse after sending a drunk message. Instead of feeling bad about it, what if we could look at drunk texting as simply a signal of our feelings? Whether we are feeling sad, angry, lonely, horny or frustrated, if we can look at these feelings as being OK and understandable, we might be more empowered to address them in ways that feel good to us (and maybe to others around us). Part of this might involve examining which feelings are difficult to talk about and how being under the influence might give us courage to express ourselves, but usually in ways we unfortunately, often regret.

Beyond A Drunken Haze
How can we identify these emotions? If we can forgive ourselves any remorse we might have, we can look at these old text messages like an anthropologist examining artifacts. What do these messages tell you about your feelings – your own personal feelings, your feelings about another person, or even the hopes of your text? With a spirit of curiosity and openness, we might come to understand the many reasons we’re drunk messaging.

Being able to identify your motivations may not feel good, but it empowers you to recognize the meaning behind your actions and perhaps normalize your feelings. For example, realizing that you want to text someone because you miss them and are sad you broke up makes a lot of sense. We can recognize that our feelings are valid, while also deciding to wait until morning to confront them fully. Sometimes it’s best to head to bed, knowing that the phone will be there when our head is clearer, in the event we still want to press “send.”

Check us out next week as we queer gender.

Sex 411: There’s an App for that
Apparently, drunk texting is such a phenomenon that iphone has a “don’t dial” application that allows users to enter certain numbers before going out that will be blocked to the user for a period of time. The numbers can later be unlocked for later use. Tip: Have a friend enter a password that is unknown to you!

Send Jo & Ross a topic for their column at: buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

 Bondage and S/M has entered the mainstream. Whether watching TV or attending a bachelor(ette) party, off-hand references to safe words or handcuffs abound. But do we really know what all that means? BDSM – standing for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadomasochism - is a broad term for sex that involves an explicit, consensual power exchange between partners. This power exchange is not assumed, and can include anything from flogging to feathers – and much more. “Doin’ It Well” wanted to examine BDSM – and help our readers developing their kink-sense.

The Kink Link

BDSM includes many ways of playing. Bondage means restraining a partner for sexual pleasure, such as using handcuffs or rope. Discipline, is the use of rules or punishment in a sexual scene, which can be physical and/or psychological. Dominance and submission, related to discipline, is a power exchange between partners, one taking the role of “dom” (in charge) and one the “sub” or “bottom.” Dominance and submission is largely about the mental approach the partners take to the relationship. At an extreme, dominance and submission can include 24/7 (or “total power exchange”) role playing of the dom/sub relationship in all areas of their lives. Finally, sadomasochism (S/M) is probably the most well known term in the BDSM vernacular. Referring to both sadism (enjoying inflicting pain on others) and masochism (enjoying receiving pain), S/M includes most of the more physical aspects used to inflict real or symbolic pain during sex.

There are many reasons why folks enjoy BDSM. The experience of exploring power dynamics, role playing, and trust within a sexual relationship can be both pleasurable and enlightening. In fact, many people already engage in some form of power play, even if they don’t call it that, including blindfolding or light bondage. Additionally, non-sexual physical sensations (like feathers, pinching, or icecubes) may intensify sexual arousal or sensations.

BDSMville

Unlike the depictions of BDSM behaviors on TV or in mainstream porn, people who engage in BDSM often do so with a lot of communication with both partners and non-partners. We recently heard about a BDSM dungeon (club where patrons can engage in public sex) that employed “consent checkers” – individuals who asked each person engaging in a scene if they were safe and willing. There wasn’t shame or embarrassment about checking for consent; it was just one rule of the community. We were blown away. Imagine if this were a model for everyone – if you knocked on your roommate’s door to make sure everyone was cool with what might be going on!

Playing It Safe

Safety is incredibly important in a BDSM scene or relationship. A major component in playing with a partner is trust – one partner trusts another with their body. This means that partners have to be in touch with one another, knowing what is within the limits and what is not. This is why many BDSM players may have a pre-established safe word or words they can use to increase, decrease, or stop the behavior. Because words like “no” may be used as part of a role-play, the safe word is determined ahead of time, known by all partners, and almost impossible to come up in the context of the scene. (A recent episode of How I Met Your Mother used “flugelhorn” as a couple’s safe word.) In addition to safe words, this means being aware of the risk of serious injuries associated with a behavior, and educating yourself beforehand to know how to practice it safely.

Trust Fall

“Doin’ It Well” has talked a lot about what consent looks like in all relationships, but consent takes on incredible importance in BDSM. As trust is critical to power play, active consent is also critical. In addition to developing and honoring safe words and limits, this trust is increased by talking beforehand (and checking in afterwards) about the experience. Mainstream media paints a picture that BDSM should be sprung on a partner as a way to liven up a monotonous sexual relationship. If we haven’t developed a “scene” with our partner beforehand, “surprising” them by handcuffing them or pouring hot wax on them is not safe, consensual, or about enhancing mutual pleasure and is definitely not sexy. In fact, it’s the intense communication and connection beforehand that allows for hot, intense, enjoyable power exchange during the scene.

There may be other questions or concerns related to the specific acts you’re interested in. Check out the resources below or check it out on the web. If you want to play – by yourselves or as part of the BDSM community – being safe, open, and consensual is the key!

Check us out next week as “Doin’ It Well” looks at the “new” drunk dialing!

Sex 411: BDSM Resources

Califia, P. Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples

Morpheous. How to be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

Wiseman, J. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

Jo and Ross thank all the wonderful readers who have been sending their thoughts and suggestions. Keep it up at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com