Doin’ It Well

Last week “Doin’ It Well” had the opportunity to interview international sex educator and activist Jessica Yee. Jessica is the founder and director of the Native Youth Sexual Health Network, a North America-wide organization working on issues of healthy sexuality, youth empowerment, reproductive justice, and sex positivity by and for Native youth.

DIW: You started your career working with women who experienced abuse. What led you into the field of sexuality, sex positivity & reproductive justice?

Jessica Yee: I’ve been an activist since I was ten years old. Around that time, my mother moved to the big city of Toronto. She was a sex trade worker and had two abortions. I went to Catholic School and heard, as part of my education, anti-choice presentations. All of these influenced my activism. I remember asking my mother about abortion and her saying, “I’ve had two abortions, do you think the creator doesn’t love me?” I also was living in a city, trying to find ways to stand up for my body, my space- to have bodily autonomy.

But it wasn’t until I was 18 when I met an Elder who asked me, “Why did you not tell me your Nation when we first met?” I was taught that if we do not talk about our Nations, they begin to die. From then on, I began working to understand my Native identity and feminist activism as entwined. It has been an empowering journey for me.

DIW: What are the top issues that are unique to Indigenous sexualities that you think are important for people to understand?

JY: There are not many Native representations in sexual and reproductive health places and organizations, yet we are highly represented in STDs, domestic violence and youth pregnancy. In my work I realized that many circles did not want to intersect race, culture, class and other identities into sexual health education, and yet many things within sexuality and feminism education and dialogue are Indigenous concepts. Do you think we waited around for Christopher Columbus to teach us about sex?

DIW: What specific barriers have you faced doing this work both within Indigenous communities and in general?

JY:  Most Native-focused campaigns in sexual health education look like mainstream campaigns,, except they might add a feather or change the faces slightly. And ours is the only Native sexual health organization that isn’t focused on disease control. So, it’s been challenging! If we are going to change the tide, it has to be youth led and intergenerational.

We currently have eleven projects that we are working on, one of our major focuses being to understand if Indigenous knowledge about sexuality still exists and how we can return it to the community. Through colonization sexuality was taken away as a way to take away power. Our goal is to protect Indigenous knowledge.

DIW: Currently, you’re also involved in bringing attention to the Highway of Tears - a name given to the murders and disappearances of Aboriginal women in northwestern British Columbia. How do you link this to your sex positive work?

JY:  I’m an Indigenous feminist and come from a matriarchal society. Women are life-givers, and if life-givers are disproportionately being abused, hurt, and violated, this affects and should affect sexual health education, especially for Indigenous people. Women are being targeted because of their sex and sexuality and there is an attempt to destroy it. So I called the coordinator of this campaign and asked how I could be of help.

DIW:  What do you wish you had known when you were just beginning your work? What advice might you give to young sexuality activists and educators?

JY: I used to think getting older sucked, but it doesn’t feel that way anymore. I wish I would have known the different forms that activism can take, especially within the context of sexuality. You don’t have to go to a protest to be an activist. The home is one of the toughest places to be an activist. But some of the greatest activists are those who organize at home.

DIW: What do you hope people will take away from your workshops?

JY: I hope they like it! One hope I have is that they will see the work I’m doing as important and that’s it’s taken seriously. I’m not faculty, and I also want to reinforce that you do not need to have a PhD or certifications to do this work. I hope I add to conversations that are already taking place. Finally, I hope that when we hear “strong sexuality” we may picture a Native person.

Join us next week as we play with BDSM!

Sex 411: Jessica Yee on Campus!
Chat ‘n Chew: Seminar on Sex and Native Communities with Kim Rice followed by Jessica Yee!
Thursday, Sept. 24th (TONIGHT!) 6pm Native American House, 1206 W. Nevada St.

Symposium on Indigenous Sexualities
Saturday, Sept. 26th 9:30-5pm Asian American Cultural Center, 1210 W. Nevada St., Urbana
Jessica and others will be presenting throughout the day.

For more info: www.ais.illinois.edu/

Send Jo and Ross your ideas and comments to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

As “Doin’ It Well,” we talk often about communicating with your partner about what you want and enjoy sexually Recently a reader suggested we explore “first weekend hook-ups.” If you do have a one-night-stand, how can you have the communication – and experience – that you’re looking for?

What’s your expectation?

Before a hookup, the people involved may have different expectations: is this a “no-strings attached” experience (NSA), or are you interested in the possibility of a relationship afterwards? Will you spend the night together, or just be there for the sex? And what will happen when you see each other afterwards?

Sometimes people may not be aware of what they want until they hook up with someone, or they weren’t even expecting to hook up in the first place. If expectations are thought about, they are often unspoken between partners. . If spoken, it may take the form of “sweet talking” or promising a certain experience for the other person, whether physical or emotional. While sweet talk can be honest, may can just as easily share the version of the truth they think is most likely to get them laid (i.e. “Of course this is more than just a hook up.”) If we think about it, sweet talk doesn’t help us be honest with ourselves, or our partners.

Of Studs and Sluts

When it comes to hooking up, men and women often suffer the negative consequences of traditional gender role expectations We expect men to be sexually aggressive, boastful of their one-night-stands, and only interested in NSA sex. We expect women to be sexually timid or repressed, unless they’ve been drinking, and more interested in relationships. But we’ve heard from men who hooked up and were interested in a relationship, but did not pursue it because of worries about both rejection and how men are “supposed” to act. Women have shared that even if they wanted something afterward, they felt they should not expect it, and waited to see if their partner would bring it up.. It seems that at least some of the time, this lack of communication causes needs to go unmet.

Know Your Self

We know that both men and women can feel disappointed or guilty after hooking up because their expectations were different from their partner’s. It may be helpful to consider ahead of time what you’re looking for, even though hooking up can be spontaneous and unexpected. . If you hope in the back of your head that you find someone to have sex with, what might you want from that experience? Is there a specific person you are thinking about, and what might you want after? Are you only interested in a sexual/physical relationship and nothing more? Do you want to be friends with benefits? Or do you hope a relationship might come afterwards? Your expectations - or the emotional reactions you know you might have - can help you understand what might happen after the hookup.

Something to Talk About

Once you have a sense of yourself, it can be easier to share this with a partner, even if a sexual situation arises spontaneously. . Maybe it is not realistic to think people are going to begin expressing their desires upfront during the prelude. But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could? We all have sex for a variety of reasons, some physical, some emotional, and some social. Thinking and talking about our hopes for the hookup can help us meet those needs.

Seeing Each Other

So, you have just shared an intimate, vulnerable experience with someone. Now what?. How will you talk about the experience? How will you react when you see them out next weekend? What, if anything, will we tell our friends? Regardless of how deep or superficial the sexual experience, the person we just hooked up with is a person, and deserves compassion and respect. How we interact with or talk about that person later is a continuation of our experience with that person. Being sexually responsible also means being respectful about our hookups.. It might seem unrealistic and we can’t control how others might act, but we can make sure we are being sex positive ourselves.

This also means fighting the sex negative hating. Don’t hate on women or men who want to hookup, whatever their motivations. This means we don’t chastise the guy who said respectfully and honestly that he’d like to hook up but isn’t interested in a relationship. It also means we don’t make comments like “I wouldn’t date a woman I’ve hooked up with.” We have to celebrate the sexual behaviors of everyone. We may not all want the same thing, but if we’re open and honest, there’s no reason we can’t respect the choices of others.

Check us out next week when we’ll share our interview with national sex educator and advocate, Jessica Yee!

Send Jo and Ross your questions or ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Jo & Ross:
Here’s a column idea for you: what to do when you’ve stumbled upon your partner’s “goody drawer?” I recently came across my partner’s stash and want to talk to him about it. I am usually comfortable discussing sexual topics but this feels a little difficult.

- LK

Dear LK:

Thanks for the excellent question! As  you may know, research is showing that most people have used sex toys at some point or another, and many use them regularly. So, we’re sure other readers have found themselves unsure of how to approach this same situation.

This may feel different than other sexual discussions because you’ve discovered something about your partner that is both private and that they haven’t shared with you yet. You may want to respect their privacy, but you may also be eager to tell them you’ve found their sex toy stash so that you are no longer holding a “secret.” Of course being open and honest in our relationships is always the best medicine for true intimacy, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy!

Doin’ It Normal

Remember, self pleasuring is perfectly healthy, normal and - while most people engage in masturbation - not everyone does. In addition, the frequency and style of solo sex varies from person to person. The bottom line:  their solo sex life might be different than yours (more or less often, with or without toys) and that’s OK. Also remember that people who are in relationships masturbate just as frequently (some studies say more often) than those who are not partnered.  Just because your partner uses sex toys does not mean that they are not happy or satisfied with your shared sexual behaviors..

Start With You

Figuring out what you are feeling about finding the “goody drawer” may help guide the discussion you have with your partner. Your reaction might depend on when in the relationship you stumbled upon the sex cache.  Your reaction might also depend on how sexual the two of you have been together. Either way, it presents a good opportunity to discuss many areas of sex with each other.

Pay attention to the feelings you are experiencing.  Are you intrigued, afraid, excited, turned-off, turned-on, worried, surprised, or pleased? A combination of these and other reactions are normal, but remember, your reaction is about you, your sexual values, scripts and beliefs. Your reactions to your partner’s sex toys says a lot about who you are sexually, so explore these aspects first and be careful not to focus too much on what this means about your partner. At the same time, it will probably be helpful to consider what this means for you in a relationship with this person.

Asking yourself some questions first may help guide what you want to say to your partner when you do bring it up. Do you want to incorporate some of their toys into your partnered sex? Do you want to learn what toys they have and how they use them in order to learn more about what they like? Are you curious what those toys mean (if anything) about their sexual relationship to you? Would you rather not know what toys they use, how, and with what frequency?

Bringing It Up

Although it can feel awkward, we recommend a direct approach to discussing this with your partner. Choose a time (or create a time) when the two of you are connecting or talking with each other, and simply say something like, “I accidentally stumbled across your ‘goody drawer,’  and I wanted to talk about it if you’re up for that.” Keep in mind that you’ve been able to take some time to react to finding your partner’s toys. Once you bring this up with them, it might be a good idea to allow them some time to react, too. You may also want to give them permission to choose to keep that part of their life private. Or, this would be a good time to share with them that you have a goody drawer, too!

Closing the Drawer

Keep in mind that your partner may not want to talk about their sex toy use in detail or they may not want to share their toys with you! Their solo sex life is theirs, and it’s up to them which aspects, if any, they want to share with you. This does not need to distract from your partnered sex, especially if the two of you can talk openly and honestly. Doing so will ultimately bring you closer together, which will enhance pleasure and fulfillment.

Check us out next week as we explore another reader topic suggestion: the day after the hookup.

Jo & Ross write for you! Send them a question or suggestion to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Recently, Ross was talking to a friend who took a pole dancing class at Flirty Girl Fitness, a gym in Chicago that specializes in exercise a la strip club dancing. She and her friends really enjoyed the experience, so “Doin’ It Well” decided to interview these women to find out more about their perspectives and understand stripper aerobics a little better.

Over the past five years, pole and chair dancing classes, along with a host of other stripper-inspired fitness routines have swept the nation. Even before Carmen Electra released her Aerobic Striptease videos, women who are not working in strip clubs have wanted to learn how to perform like women who do. Many women who take these classes leave in awe of the performance of women in strip clubs, of the muscle strength and control that the moves take, all while looking sexy.

Where the Girls Are

Flirty Girl boasts they are “Chicago’s hottest women’s fitness and lifestyle facility.” In addition to pole dancing, chair dancing, video vixen classes, women can also take kickboxing or boot camp classes, get manicure or visit the bar (juice or liquor). Imani (a pseudonym) said, “Probably what I liked most was that they seemed to be very focused on promoting women’s health and empowerment — there were a number of classes… that were not in the pole dancing ‘genre’, but that were geared towards general women’s fitness, like kickboxing.”

As a women-only club, men aren’t even allowed in the waiting room. As Sasha said, “The class was a lot of fun and the instructor made it fun. She encouraged us to feel comfortable in our own skin and that made it enjoyable. Also, the space is strictly for women so that made it a nice place to hang out.” Grad Student added, ” I think there are a lot of women who [have wanted] to be that woman for a while - intrigued by what they know about strip clubs - and like the opportunity to try that in a way that feels safer and gives you more control.”

The women also found Flirty Girl to be welcoming because as women of color, they appreciated that many of the women who were staff and customers were also women of color. Grad Student said, “It didn’t feel like we had to ascribe to ideal/European standards of sexy. There were all different body sizes and shapes… Women were there in sweats and ponytails, not all done up and made up to be super gorgeous. It was more like a real gym class.”

Sexual Empowerment on a Pole

We asked the women if the experience changed how they felt about themselves sexually. Several of the women talked about feeling freer with their bodies after the classes. Imani said, “I tend to be less comfortable with my sexuality, particularly in comparison to some of my friends. Going to Flirty Girl helped me to ‘come out of my shell’ and feel a little more comfortable with moving my body in more sexual ways.” Others talked about feeling more sensual and more connected to their bodies after the experience.

If Pole Dance Occurs Without a Man Around, Does It Objectify?

The women who went to Flirty Girl Fitness were very clear that they did not feel objectified during their visit at Flirty Girl. Sasha said, “The instructor made us feel comfortable with our sexuality and it was not about pleasing a man or learning these techniques to attract men.” Grad Student added, “I feel 10 times more objectified in an everyday night club than I do in these classes.”

It raises some interesting questions: Is strippercise liberating? Or are we buying into the same messages we’ve been told about ourselves? For women who perform in strip clubs, dancing is their job, and they act out a fantasy for the viewer. Strippercise allows women to perform the stripper role without it being tied to paying their bills. Strippercise is marketed as an avenue for sexual liberation and weight loss – two things women are often told they aren’t doing well enough. But it’s also part of a larger porn-inspired phenomenon, encouraging women’s sexual empowerment by acting like sex workers. This benefits the sex industry from a simple marketing perspective: men want her, women want to be her.

At the same time, it may not be objectifying if objectification relies on someone else watching. All we know for sure is that in these experiences these women aren’t dupes; they are making choices about their own bodies and sexuality, aware of the complex messages about what it means to be a woman and “sexy.” And they felt empowered by it and enjoyed it. As Firewoman said, “[Y]ou felt comfortable in your own skin and learned how you can be sexy and healthy at the same time.”It is perhaps each of our ability to make these thoughtful choices that keeps us “Doin’ It Well.”

Check us out next week when we’ll explore a reader question about what to do when you find your partner’s “goody drawer!”

Sex 411: Flirty Fun

Flirty Girl Fitness, 1325 W. Randolph, Chicago

www.flirtygirlfitness.com

Send Jo and Ross your questions and thoughts to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com