Doin’ It Well

Dear Doin’ It Well,

Could you do an article on what different types of female orgasms feel like? I am pretty sure I have them often, but they don’t feel like they do when I masturbate. There’s no definite ending feeling like during masturbation, and it’s not the screaming movie climax either. They feel pretty good, but I’m worried I’m missing out on something.

Come As You Are

This is an excellent question, thanks for writing in! We want to stress that you are experiencing orgasms, in their varied forms; trust that the pleasure you are experiencing is exactly as it should be!  Often people have a lot of high expectations about sex because of what gets promised to us, usually by the media or porn (screaming movie climax). In addition, many people have insecurities, too, and wonder not only if they are “doin’ it well” (or right), but if there’s something more to sexual expression and behavior that they should be doing.  We take the simple approach: “If it feels good, you’re satisfied, and it’s mutual, go with it and enjoy it!”

At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to understand sexual response and, possibly, explore ways to increase pleasure. Experimenting with various things that feel good is a wonderful way to grow sexually - both with yourself and with a partner.

Sexual Response

Here’s a quick review: the sexual response cycle starts with desire (or motivation to be sexual), and then cycles through stages of arousal/ excitement, plateau (steady level of arousal), orgasm and resolution (decline of arousal). Men experience a refractory period following orgasm during which physiologically they cannot achieve another erection. The time of the refractory period for men can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few hours or longer, and increases with age.

Orgasm

Orgasm is the release of sexual tension, usually accompanied by pleasurable feelings. At the “peak” of sexual excitement, the release of this tension can be very quick, with a definite ending as you describe, or can be slower.

Orgasms are fascinating!  According to sex researchers Ladas, Whipple and Perry, “The sensory quality of orgasms differs in relations to the part of the sexual system that is being stimulated.  Vaginal stimulation-induced orgasm is described as involving the whole body, whereas clitoris-induced orgasm is more restricted to the region of the clitoris.”

In addition to the vagina and clitoris, people can experience orgasms from stimulating other parts of the body, too. In women, the cervix, rectum, nipples, neck, and other areas can provide pleasurable sensations and sexual climax. The same is true from men, replacing the cervix with the prostate. All these orgasms feel differently and take on various characteristics, probably due to the different nerve pathways that receive the sensory activity or “input.”  For example (and we’re not medical professionals), sensation from the clitoris might get conveyed to a different nerve pathway than sensations from the cervix or uterus.

Enjoy them all

Perhaps during masturbation, there is a more direct focus on clitoral stimulation, which (due to the sensory pathways) creates a more direct and distinct orgasm.  During partner sex, the vagina may be stimulated more, thus creating a different orgasmic experience.  There is also the concept of a “blended” orgasm, in which many areas (clitoris, vagina, breasts, etc.) are stimulated simultaneously, creating a more “encompassing” or “holistic” orgasm.

Also, there are different dynamics that come into play when we are sexual with a partner, versus by ourselves. The subjective experience of pleasure and orgasm is influenced not only by the kind of touch or stimulation we receive but all our other senses, too. So different sounds, smells, and sights play into orgasm. Our emotions and our sense of intimacy or connection with a partner can also have an influence on our sexual experiences. Self pleasuring to orgasm may allow for a more direct route to orgasm with the focus primarily on the genitals, while partnered sex may be more fluid or circuitous, allowing for a “total body orgasm.”

While this information is really interesting and it is good to understand sexual response, remember that there is no one right way to experience orgasm.  You may try different kinds of stimulation during masturbation to “draw out” your orgasms, or change the stimulation during partnered sex so that it is more direct and definite, depending on the orgasmic experience you would like to have. Keep in mind that even with our best efforts to try and experience one kind of orgasm or another, it is not always possible. But, you may be pleasantly surprised! Focusing on pleasure, fun, and the open expression and celebration of your sexuality is part of what makes sex so wonderful!

Stay tuned till next week as we get hot and sweaty with sexercise…

Sex 411: Reading for Pleasure

Beyer-Flores, Komisaruk, Whipple (2006) The Science of Orgasm. The John Hopkins University Press

E-mail your questions and thoughts to Jo and Ross at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com.