Doin’ It Well

Every so often, we see an article in Men’s Fitness or Cosmopolitan suggesting ways we need to get fit if we want to have good sex. Being healthy for ourselves is great, but these sources often introduce some unrealistic ideas about how fit we should be if we want to attract a partner and perform in bed. Doin’ It Well thought we’d find out how important physical fitness is for getting hot & sweaty.

A Real Workout

Although the sex most people are having is probably not the wild, body-bending activity we see in the movies, there are still a lot of ways that “real people” sex requires stamina and strength. There’s no doubt that sex works many different muscles in our bodies. In addition to those used during different sexual positions, there are also muscles engaged during sexual arousal and orgasm. Active sex can burn anywhere from 4-6 calories per minute, about the same as swimming!

Holding one position for an extended period of time, thrusting hips,  or even holding up your own or a partner’s body weight works the arms, back, shoulders, abs, not to mention the muscles we don’t even think about- like the PC (pubococcygeal) muscles in both men and women, which also gets  a workout. Normally, we may be most aware of our PC muscles when they stop the flow of urine. But these pelvic muscles contract the vagina for women, assist men in controlling ejaculation, and are intricately involved in intensifying pleasure and orgasm for both women and men.

To build PC muscle strength Kegel exercises (squeezing the PC muscles).which can easily be done during your regular day can help. At breakfast, in work meetings, or riding the bus, you can be engaging your PC muscles. To find the PC muscles, pay attention the next time you go pee, and stop the flow of urine midstream. Those are your PC muscles at work! Start out with 10 or 20 squeezes holding for 2-3 seconds each, and work up from there. Just like any muscle, go slow because it can get fatigued! You may alter between fast, quick reps or holding each rep harder and for a longer period of time. Notice the sexual sensations you feel in the pelvic area while doing Kegels!  The exercises can also be done during sex to add sensation, or to help quicken or delay orgasm for both women and men.

Make Your Heart Race

Just as sex may be exercise, non-sexual aerobic exercise can influence your sex life. A recent study found that men who exercised three times a week had increased sexual satisfaction and improved sexual performance. Cardiovascular activity (activity that raises your heart rate – ideally for at least 30 minutes at a time), like walking, running, or biking, can keep us from becoming too breathless when we’re getting hot and heavy. Also, simple exercises like push-ups and sit-ups might work some of the same muscles that get a work out during sex. In addition, yoga, dance, and other activities can help keep your body limber.

Hang Loose

While many people might joke about being sore after sex from different positions that might not be experienced very often, the idea of stretching or “warming up” before sex may seem comical or unrealistic. For the hardcore sexercise enthusiasts who do this (along with taking frequent water breaks and managing electrolytes), we commend you!

For others, it may be helpful to consider which sexual positions you might want to engage in and use a week or so ahead of time to get into that position a few times by yourself and hold it, to both gently stretch and build the muscles that will be involved.  For example, if you are interested in engaging in a standing version of rear entry (doggie style), you might add a downward dog yoga pose (or something similar) into your workout routine!

Feel the Burn?

With the ways “hot” sex gets shown in the media, discussions about “sexercise” may reinforce ideas that our bodies aren’t strong, fit, or attractive for an active, vibrant sex life. Although sex – solo or partner - may be exercise, that doesn’t mean we should have to worry about getting a workout in bed or carbo-loading before a big sex romp.

Check us out next week as we get heady about fellatio.

Sex 411: Shaping Up

Instead of turning to your partner and asking to do a few more reps, pay attention to your body during and after sex. Figuring out what muscles you’re working might help you think about if you’d like to strengthen or stretch them. Remember, sex should be about satisfaction – not about an unrealistic expectation for physique or performance, but don’t be afraid to get hot and sweaty!

Jo and Ross want to pump you up - by responding to your questions. Send them to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Doin’ It Well,

Could you do an article on what different types of female orgasms feel like? I am pretty sure I have them often, but they don’t feel like they do when I masturbate. There’s no definite ending feeling like during masturbation, and it’s not the screaming movie climax either. They feel pretty good, but I’m worried I’m missing out on something.

Come As You Are

This is an excellent question, thanks for writing in! We want to stress that you are experiencing orgasms, in their varied forms; trust that the pleasure you are experiencing is exactly as it should be!  Often people have a lot of high expectations about sex because of what gets promised to us, usually by the media or porn (screaming movie climax). In addition, many people have insecurities, too, and wonder not only if they are “doin’ it well” (or right), but if there’s something more to sexual expression and behavior that they should be doing.  We take the simple approach: “If it feels good, you’re satisfied, and it’s mutual, go with it and enjoy it!”

At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to understand sexual response and, possibly, explore ways to increase pleasure. Experimenting with various things that feel good is a wonderful way to grow sexually - both with yourself and with a partner.

Sexual Response

Here’s a quick review: the sexual response cycle starts with desire (or motivation to be sexual), and then cycles through stages of arousal/ excitement, plateau (steady level of arousal), orgasm and resolution (decline of arousal). Men experience a refractory period following orgasm during which physiologically they cannot achieve another erection. The time of the refractory period for men can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few hours or longer, and increases with age.

Orgasm

Orgasm is the release of sexual tension, usually accompanied by pleasurable feelings. At the “peak” of sexual excitement, the release of this tension can be very quick, with a definite ending as you describe, or can be slower.

Orgasms are fascinating!  According to sex researchers Ladas, Whipple and Perry, “The sensory quality of orgasms differs in relations to the part of the sexual system that is being stimulated.  Vaginal stimulation-induced orgasm is described as involving the whole body, whereas clitoris-induced orgasm is more restricted to the region of the clitoris.”

In addition to the vagina and clitoris, people can experience orgasms from stimulating other parts of the body, too. In women, the cervix, rectum, nipples, neck, and other areas can provide pleasurable sensations and sexual climax. The same is true from men, replacing the cervix with the prostate. All these orgasms feel differently and take on various characteristics, probably due to the different nerve pathways that receive the sensory activity or “input.”  For example (and we’re not medical professionals), sensation from the clitoris might get conveyed to a different nerve pathway than sensations from the cervix or uterus.

Enjoy them all

Perhaps during masturbation, there is a more direct focus on clitoral stimulation, which (due to the sensory pathways) creates a more direct and distinct orgasm.  During partner sex, the vagina may be stimulated more, thus creating a different orgasmic experience.  There is also the concept of a “blended” orgasm, in which many areas (clitoris, vagina, breasts, etc.) are stimulated simultaneously, creating a more “encompassing” or “holistic” orgasm.

Also, there are different dynamics that come into play when we are sexual with a partner, versus by ourselves. The subjective experience of pleasure and orgasm is influenced not only by the kind of touch or stimulation we receive but all our other senses, too. So different sounds, smells, and sights play into orgasm. Our emotions and our sense of intimacy or connection with a partner can also have an influence on our sexual experiences. Self pleasuring to orgasm may allow for a more direct route to orgasm with the focus primarily on the genitals, while partnered sex may be more fluid or circuitous, allowing for a “total body orgasm.”

While this information is really interesting and it is good to understand sexual response, remember that there is no one right way to experience orgasm.  You may try different kinds of stimulation during masturbation to “draw out” your orgasms, or change the stimulation during partnered sex so that it is more direct and definite, depending on the orgasmic experience you would like to have. Keep in mind that even with our best efforts to try and experience one kind of orgasm or another, it is not always possible. But, you may be pleasantly surprised! Focusing on pleasure, fun, and the open expression and celebration of your sexuality is part of what makes sex so wonderful!

Stay tuned till next week as we get hot and sweaty with sexercise…

Sex 411: Reading for Pleasure

Beyer-Flores, Komisaruk, Whipple (2006) The Science of Orgasm. The John Hopkins University Press

E-mail your questions and thoughts to Jo and Ross at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com.

Sometimes, sex gets talked about like everybody is doing it. Because of the ways sex is shown in the media and discussed among friends, there may be an idea about the amount and type of sex that people around us are having. Doin’ It Well wanted to explore for a moment if people are really having the kind of sex we assume.

Doing It

Most college students are having sex, but probably not to the extreme that one might think. In the National College Health Assessment study, they reported that in the past 30 days, approximately 40% of college students had engaged in oral sex or vaginal sex, and less than 5% had engaged in anal sex. About one third of the college students had never engaged in oral or anal sex, and the remainder (25%) did not have sex in the past month.

This means a significant percentage of college students are not having sex, not in the past month, and perhaps not at all.

Being “Active”

In the movie, Juno, the main character says, “I hate it when adults use the term “sexually active.” What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?” Juno raises a really important question, if you’ve been sexual with another person at one point in time, does that mean you’re forever labeled sexually active?

As a term, sexually active has its limits. Although it is usually used to mark those who are currently having sex (whatever that means) from those who are not, this term may not clarify about how and how often “sexually active” individuals are doing it. For instance, does this include anal and oral sex? (Sometimes)  And is it a “permanent state” like Juno asks?

This is why some researchers ask about sexual activity over a certain period of time. For instance, the National College Health Assessment asks about sexual activity over the last 12 months and 30 days. In this study, about 34% of students reported zero sexual partners in the past 12 months. For those who had one or more sexual partners, two sexual partners in the past year was the average.

Jump to Conclusions

Another study on college campuses looked at the reported sexual behaviors, and compared it with the estimated sexual behaviors of their peers. Not surprisingly, the study found that college students overestimated the number of sexual partners and level of sexual activity of their fellow college students. The conclusion was that when we think that our peers are having more sex than we are, we may feel more pressure to have sex.

Because of the assumption that sex (i.e., penetrative, usually penis-vagina) is the norm for college students, those who are not having sex may feel abnormal or strange. But this doesn’t mean that those students who reported never having sex were not engaging in other sexual activities, like kissing or masturbation. Being sexually “active” – alone or with a partner – can mean almost anything we can imagine. And because we are sexual beings, even abstaining from sexual activity is a sexual decision.

Weirdo Virgins

People who have not had sex get labeled abnormal by their peers. Just think about movies like 40 Year-Old Virgin and we see the ways our society may see people who have not had sex yet.  Similarly, we are fascinated by people who have “too much” sex. But this is a limited way of viewing sex. If we see sexuality as something that develops over our lifetime, it doesn’t really matter when it happens; everyone will have their own journey.  

We need to make room for all sexual expressions and to support this spectrum among our friends and peers. Rather than placing the focus on having (penetrative) sex, think about all the ways we can express our sexual attraction, (like kissing) or reasons we may choose not to.  Both of us have talked to college students who haven’t felt like they could be honest with their friends about the sex they weren’t having (often by choice), because, especially among men, they didn’t feel supported in those decisions. Women too get judged for not being sexual enough by their female peers, but often face additional judgment when they cross the subjective line of “too sexual.”

Because our peers shape the ways we view the sex that’s “okay”, we have to make a safe place for our friends to talk about their sexual behaviors, without assuming that they are or aren’t having sex. This also requires us to hold off on pressuring others to engage or not engage in behaviors we think they should.  This includes the ways we call people’s femininity, masculinity and desirability into question if they are acting in ways other than we think they should.

And for ourselves, the decision to have sex is a complex one, but it’s one we should make on our own, not just because other people may be doing it.

Drop Jo and Ross a line. Send your questions & comments to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com.

It’s no secret that sex education is lacking in our public schools. It’s also no secret that many teens are making sexual decisions without accurate information, preparation, and support from either peers or adults in their lives. But one of the best kept secrets is that there are teens that are doing something about this! This week, Doin’ it Well wanted to squash the often-heard teen-bashing talk, and focus on the fabulous adolescents who are making a huge difference in the lives of their peers (and our community!)

Teach Me

From birth through death, we are constantly navigating a range of sexuality and sexual health milestones, not simply about the act of sexual intercourse, but also about how we feel about ourselves sexually and develop our sexual identity. Because of puberty, teens are in a very intense period of sexual development, physically, emotionally, and socially. Parents and teachers have a big opportunity (and responsibility) to help these adolescents develop into sexually healthy adults. Yet often, teachers and parents don’t have the preparation to do this.

In Illinois, a poll of health teachers showed that only 40% of high school health teachers taught about issues of contraception, abortion, or sexual orientation. Over a third of the teachers taught that abstinence was the only way to prevent pregnancy and STD’s. Many local teens have similar stories about their experiences of sex education. Depending on the school, or their teacher, they might not be taught about birth control or contraception. They might not receive information about their body’s sexual response. But moreover, they often don’t feel as though they’re getting accurate or complete sexual health education. This isn’t necessarily the fault of the parents and teachers; most adults aren’t prepared to have these complex (and maybe uncomfortable) conversations.

Additionally, teens may not want to have these conversations with these adults, no matter how well-meaning. So where’s a teen to go for quality sex ed?

 Ask a Peer

In the Champaign community, there is  a group of high school students who are making a difference: the Teen Awareness Group (TAG) at Planed Parenthood. TAG educators are paid employees of Planned Parenthood, and they receive comprehensive sexuality education, in addition to valuable life skills like parent-child communication, writing skills, crisis intervention strategies, public speaking and leadership skills and confidentiality training. As peer educators, TAG members utilize their knowledge to help educate their friends, classmates, and even teachers and parents.

Think about it: you are a teen and you have a question about sex – maybe you’re afraid you are pregnant, maybe you aren’t sure how to use a condom, maybe you’re not ready to be sexually active and want support in that, or maybe you’re afraid your relationship is unhealthy – but you may not  have an adult you trust to have accurate, non-judgmental information. TAG members receive all of these questions and more, and their training and supervision allows them to provide the most correct and beneficial information possible.  

In addition to one-on-one interactions, TAG educators go to local schools and organizations to provide workshops on contraception, abstinence, STD’s, and communication. For many of our local schools, a TAG workshop provides more information than they receive directly from their teachers. And for the health teachers, TAG becomes a convenient way to provide teens with accurate information

Moreover, the TAG educators take their work into many different arenas, challenging myths about sexuality in their classes, creating class projects promoting sex education, and getting involved with local organizations, such as the Campaign for Comprehensive Sexuality Education and the Greater Community AIDS Project, to improve the level sex education in their community. This year alone they reached over 5000 individuals in Champaign County. As a multi-level program, the TAG members receive the education first-hand, but they use this education and position to redefine how their community views sexuality.

“TAG is not only about teens taking control of their own sexuality education, but about their concern for the health and well-being of their peers and their generation,” says Lena Hann, Education Programs Coordinator at Planned Parenthood and coordinator of the local TAG program. “Ask a teen what they think adults think of their generation, and you’ll hear some pretty upsetting stuff. These teens want to make a difference in their own lives and the lives of others. I am so lucky to get to work with such a fabulous group of people!”

We’re all lucky to have them in our community. See Sex 411 to find out about how you can get involved.

Check us out next week as we discuss if everyone is really doing it!

Sex 411: TAG Applications

Interested in applying to be a Peer Educator with the Teen Awareness Group?

• For the job description or to apply online, go to plannedparenthoodext.hire.com
• Under “Education” category, find “Educator – Teen Awareness Champaign, IL”
• Or in Facebook, search “TAG Applications” under Events.
• For more information, contact Lena at lenah@ppil.org or 359-4768 ext. 114.

As long as women have been bought and sold for sex, they have experienced sexual and domestic violence at the hands of men. Although we may brush away this violence as normal or biological, there is a long history of women rallying against this violence. Many communities and college campuses across the United States participate in Take Back the Night (TBTN), a march and protest of violence against women.

Some believe Take Back the Night dates back to 1877 when women in London took to the streets to protest the violence and fear the experienced at night. The first known TBTN in the US took place in 1978 in San Francisco’s Red Light District, organized by Women Against Violence in Pornography and Media.  Currently, Take Back the Night or similar protests are held throughout the world as a way for communities to denounce all violence against others, although most marches still retain a strong anti-sexual violence focus. Locally, this year marks the 30^th anniversary of Champaign-Urbana taking back the night!

Taking it Back

As feminist author Andrea Dworkin has said, “Women are often told to be extra careful and take precautions when going out at night. In some parts of the world, even today, women are not allowed out at night. So when women struggle for freedom, we must start at the beginning by fighting for freedom of movement, which we have not had and do not now have. We must recognize that freedom of movement is a precondition for anything else. It comes before freedom of speech in importance because without it freedom of speech cannot in fact exist.” The night is both symbolically and physically a barrier to women’s movement – something most women are well aware as they plan their routes home from nighttime jobs, tests, or parties.

The founders of Take Back the Night created these rallies and marches to find and share their voice, to be heard when violence against them is mostly silenced and ignored, and to walk in solidarity, strength and reclaim the night as a theirs- safe from violence against them- even if only for one night. Historically, these marches were women-only, signifying women’s strength and ability to protect themselves and to reclaim their own night.

Why the Violence?

As Suzanne Pharr posits, violence against women is one of the arms of sexism, along with economic oppression and homophobia. Systemically, violence against women (and other kinds of violence targeting marginalized groups, such as LGBT folks, folks with disabilities, poor communities, and folks of color) is an effective way to keep certain elements of institutional power in place, unquestioned.

Upon women, the social impact of this violence and the threat of that violence, limits women’s social mobility (don’t go out at night, don’t go out alone) which impacts jobs women may feel able to take, schooling (night classes or exams), and ultimately the economics of women’s lives. More than that, significant time is spent on wondering about physical safety; time that, as Ross points out, men don’t have to spend or consider. Men (especially white middle class straight men) are allowed to move around in the world without these concerns, mainly because of luck (of being born white, straight, etc.).

Men Preventing Men’s Violence

In this year’s Take Back the Night, men are invited to march alongside women as allies and supporters. More and more men are taking an active role to eliminate men’s violence against women. As anti-sexist activist Jackson Katz puts it, “Men should be pretty upset that some men are acting this way, it’s an insult to our gender, and we need to call these guys out.” In addition, men are realizing how violence against women, traditionally thought of as a “woman’s issue” affects them-the women in their lives that they care about. If we’re going to end violence against women, it’s going to take men and women working together.

What We Can Do

JO: Violence against women is not inevitable; we have and continue to change aspects of the violent culture in which we live. An important part of Take Back the Night is standing up and naming not just the overt acts of physical violence which can be themselves difficult to name, but also the seeds of that violence (i.e., attitudes, name calling, harassing, lying, consumption of objectified media images) - and do it as women, proud and loud.

Here’s a quote from takebackthenight.org that we think sums up TBTN:

“Welcome to Take Back the Night- A place free from sexual assault and abuse. We invite you to become part of the solution, part of the end to sexual violence.  Here is a place to take a stand, a place to break the silence. Here we can Take Back the Night!”

We couldn’t say it better ourselves.

Join us next week as we discuss teens taking charge of their sexual health.