Doin’ It Well

April is a busy month with respect to awareness campaigns in the area of sexuality. Not only is April Sexual Assault Awareness Month (prompting last week’s column on false reports of rape), but April is also STD Awareness Month and LGBT Awareness Days, including the Day of Silence, a national day recognizing violence and bullying against those who are LGBT.

This week, Doin’ It Well decided to take another look at an issue that intersects across all of these campaigns - HIV. The world, our country, and our own C-U community have struggled to combat HIV for close to 30 years.  While in the United States we have slowed the spread of HIV, 56,000 new cases are still diagnosed in the US each year. That number is still way too high. In our own backyard, people are being diagnosed and living with HIV/AIDS, both on campus and within Champaign-Urbana.

Preventing the spread of STDs, including HIV, isn’t as easy as it might seem, and we continue to struggle with how to keep people safe and healthy. Often, simplistic approaches are suggested; we expect to take a complex issue of sexuality and minimize it into a single message. Then we expect that message to work for every single person, in every single situation.

Fun, hot, healthy sex

We know we can’t prevent HIV with one column, but here are some risk reduction tips. By having a variety of options to reduce one’s risk, the hope is that folks can find a combination of things that work best for them in their specific situation.

• Use condoms every time, with every partner
• Remember that getting HIV is not inevitable; it can be easily prevented!
• Choose not to have sex, or to postpone sex
• Get tested and talk to your partner(s) about being tested, too
• Engage in behaviors that avoid fluid exchange (semen, blood, vaginal secretions, breast milk); HIV is only transmitted by these fluids.
• Avoid higher risk behaviors (receptive anal or vaginal sex, using someone else’s needles)
• If possible, keep sex sober to increase condom use & other safety strategies
• Limit your number of sexual partners
• Choose a monogamous relationship
• If you have HIV or another STD, inform your partners and discuss ways to be sexual while keeping your partner safe from infection

Unfortunately, HIV continues to be diagnosed, so  along with prevention and education to stop the spread to HIV, we also have to continue to support those already infected (which, in turn, also helps to prevent future infections).

For Art’s Sake

That’s where Artists Against AIDS  comes in.  Artists Against AIDS is a fundraiser for the services provided by the Greater Community AIDS Project (GCAP). Doin’ It Well caught up with the coordinator of Artists Against AIDS, Tami Haubner. Here is what she had to say on behalf of the Artists Against AIDS planning committee:

Much has changed in the world since our last event, but the facts surrounding the epidemic of HIV/AIDS remain much the same and the numbers are growing. Education, awareness campaigns and medical research continue, but so does this virus. 

We, the committee for this event, along with the staff and board of the GCAP organization, continue our efforts with one goal in mind: to savor the day we no longer have to work for this cause.

As we network through our community seeking donations of food, time, entertainment and supplies to furnish the best show possible, we are reminded without fail of the local generosity and support shown to this organization and those who suffer from this disease. For this we are eternally grateful to our many volunteers, sponsors and vendors who make the show happen, year after year. Our undying appreciation also reaches far and wide to the many artists who always come through with the most diverse and desirable pieces enticing us all to dig a little deeper for this worthy cause.

And last, but never least, we thank you, our customers and friends, for your never ending support for our organization. Without you we wouldn’t exist. But then again, that is the ultimate goal.

So come out this weekend and check out Artists Against AIDS! Donations from the Artists Against AIDS event - including ticket sales for the private opening, sponsorships, and a portion of the art sales - are GCAP’s largest private funding source.  They account for about 1/3 of all the monies needed for direct assistance to the individuals GCAP serves who are HIV positive in our own community.

Doin’ It Well has a bunch of reader questions lined up to be answered. Keep sending them in, and check us out next week as we discuss taking back the night.

Sex 411: Artists Against AIDS Exhibition & Sale

Orpheum Children’s Art Museum 346 N. Neil St. Champaign

Public Grand Opening Friday April 24 6pm-10pm

Saturday, April 25^th 1pm-10pm

Sunday, April 26^th 1pm-7pm

Monday, April 27^th 1pm-7pm

 

Send Jo & Ross a question at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

 

Dear Ross and Jo

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. April 11th will be the two-year anniversary of the day three Duke lacrosse players [were declared] innocent of a much-publicized rape hoax. How can we educate ourselves better to prevent it?  As a regular reader of your column, I would be very interested in hearing your dialogues and research on the subject.

Mr. T

 

Thank you for sending us a great idea for a column.  The Duke case provided a lot of interesting lessons.  Because we’re not legal experts, we would like to focus on the issues you raise about false accusations of sexual assault.

 

The ways that the characters in the Duke case were described by media and defense attorneys was fascinating to watch. The alleged victim was continually described simply as a stripper or as the “accuser.” The young men on the other hand, were seen in three 60 Minutes interviews together or with their families. It was clear – these boys were “our boys” in the public eye, while the alleged victim was not.

 

Buy the Lie

In workshops Ross has facilitated, groups will estimate that 20-30 percent of all allegations of sexual assault (rape) are false. Recent research suggests that actual false reports are likely quite low, between 2-8%.

 

Why do people think that so many rapes are “false?” Lots of reasons. First, we don’t want to believe it could happen. This disbelief helps us keep our faith in a good and just society; we jump to the conclusion it couldn’t (or didn’t) happen. Especially when we know the accused, we may feel like he couldn’t be capable of that. In our society, sex(ism), race(ism) and class(ism) also shape public perception, allowing us to feel like a group of white affluent men who hired and (at best) sexually harassed two strippers are more like us than the black woman working as a stripper.

 

“Real” Rape

Susan Estrich has suggested that only certain rapes become “real rapes,” meaning that most assaults aren’t taken seriously for a slew of reasons: they had consensual sex before, s/he was drunk, they had been dating, the alleged perpetrator is a “good guy,” etc. Additionally, when a case is dropped, this doesn’t mean it was “false” (a lie) so much as “unsubstantiated” (not enough evidence). We have to remember that the legal system is different from an individual’s experiences. Simply because something cannot be legally proved does not mean it didn’t happen.

 

Judith Herman, a researcher in trauma, says that “all the perpetrator asks is that we do nothing,” while the victim asks that we believe and acknowledge the pain experienced. When a sexual assault happens, we may not wish to believe – but that may have nothing to do with the specifics of the situation and more to do with our wish that it hadn’t happened.

 

The reality is – same as with the Duke case – we weren’t in the room. We do not know what happened. Even when a victim recants a story, this may mean more about the lack of support she has in her community than it does about the validity of her accusation.

 

True Lies

Although we fear women flinging accusations at men, there’s a much bigger issue of false reporting. Research shows that only 30% of those who have been raped actually name the experience “rape”-probably for many reasons. If there is a stereotype that “real rapes” are perpetrated by strangers lurking in the bushes, then an acquaintance that doesn’t stop when you say no may not look like “rape.” Additionally, if a survivor initially names an experience rape but faces disbelief from even friends and family, she may later decide to recant.

 

This also means that we can have instances where one person names the experience “rape,” but the other doesn’t. Often, this leads us to presume that it wasn’t rape. Could someone commit rape, but not feel like he has committed rape? Definitely. A key element of rape is that there wasn’t consent. One person cannot have consent if their partner doesn’t also consent – it’s a dynamic, a two-way street. In fact, research on men who have technically perpetrated rape shows that only 15% of them call it rape. Rather than dismissing allegations out of hand, we have to take every story seriously.

 

Bring Protection

This doesn’t mean that we (especially men) don’t have a very real fear of being falsely accused of sexual assault. It seems everyone has some story about someone who was falsely accused of rape. It would be awful to be accused of something that didn’t happen. When we hear more about the “false” reports than we do about actual assaults, suddenly false reports lurk around every corner.

 

So how can we protect ourselves from being falsely accused? The number one way is to make sure that you have explicit consent from your partner(s), every time. The reality is that false reports (as with any crime) – when they are actually false – is a rarity, and we can’t prevent those.

 

Getting consent, paying attention to the ways consent (and non-consent) is communicated, and talking openly with your partners gives you the reassurance that your partner wants to be with you,  and the opportunity to have the sex you both want.

 

Join us next week as we look forward to Artists Against AIDS.

 

Sex 411: More Lies

Go to our blog doinitwell.blog.com to read our full response to Mr. T’s question.

 

Jo and Ross are looking for your questions and comments. Send them to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Jo & Ross,

I really enjoy your column in the Buzz and have an idea – waxing – whether it be men or women, bikini or back, I think it would be a good topic.

 - Maggie

Thanks for writing us, Maggie. We agree, there is a lot to say about keeping or cutting pubic hair, and almost as many ways to style one’s pubes – from shaggy to Mohawk to bald.

We adorn our bodies in a number of ways. We may style our facial and head hair, get a tattoo, or pierce our ears, eyebrows, nipples, or lips. . We all do something on a daily basis to add to or adjust the way our bodies look – and for many different reasons.  Waxing our body hair is no different.

Removing pubic hair has been around for centuries. In some cultures, hair removal can be traced back as far as 4000 BC. In Western society, as fashion covered less area, women removed more pubic hair. In recent years, bodybuilders and male fashion models have led the trend for men to also remove their body hair. Besides waxing, some people shave, “sugar” (a process using a honey-like substance), or use electrolysis or laser processes to make themselves smooth. 

Styling Your Love Fuzz

Traditional bikini wax removes the hair on the inner thigh not covered by a bikini bottom. . Some women choose to remove some or all hair around their anus and labia as well, which sometimes gets called a Brazilian wax, Playboy strip, or a French wax (leaving a “landing strip” along the opening of the labia majora). Men may also get a Brazilian, removing the hair from their scrotum, shaft, and anus. For both men and women, hair may be left on the top of the pubic bone, often styled like a triangle, rectangle, or heart.

There are many reasons why folks  choose to remove their hair. Some people believe that removing their hair is more sanitary, because hair may hold the body’s odors or secretions. (Ironically, one of the hypothesized purposes for pubic hair in humans is to help transmit pheromone odors.)  Others find that their genitals are more aesthetically pleasing without (or with less) hair, allowing their partners and themselves a better peek at their packages. In fact, some men may wax because the absence of hair may gain them an “optical inch” in length. For others, waxing increases the sensations in the smooth, sensitive skin around their vulva, anus, and penis.

There are also expectations upon men and women to fit certain beauty standards. In Sex in the City, Miranda gets chastised for pubic hair peeking out from her bathing suit. In porn most of the actors are hairless.  Hair above the waist is also viewed with scorn - mustached or hairy-legged women or men with back hair (for example) become the butt of jokes. Definitely, our own decision to remove, change, or maintain our body hair is complex, but we can’t deny that there’s a lot of pressure  suggesting that being hairless is “sexier.”

Waxing Down

If you decide to wax, here are some important tips. Waxing requires enough hair to grab onto, so do not shave beforehand. You can trim the longer hairs down to 1/8 - ¼ inch before waxing. Shaving beforehand can also irritate the skin, which will make the waxing process more painful. If you’re having a professional perform the waxing, you may want to freshen up beforehand with personal cleaning wipes, but don’t take a shower immediately beforehand. A shower will soften the hairs and skin, making the removal process less effective.

There are many at-home kits for hair removal, and many people choose to use these for cost, convenience and privacy. Although professional waxing can be expensive, they are often less painful and faster.  When choosing a professional, find out how experienced they are at the process and make sure you feel comfortable with them.

Is it right for you?

Removing your hair is your personal decision; there are usually no health reasons to either keep or chuck your pubes. At the same time, the way we look may change the way we feel about ourselves, in part because of the ways our peers, our partners, and the media say our bodies should look. Getting in touch with how you enjoy your body, and what makes you feel sexy will help you decide.

The beauty of pubic hair is that no matter how you style it, it always comes back. Most changes that you make (waxing, shaving, etc.) are not permanent, so if you decide you like it better another way, your pubic hair is very forgiving.

Next week, we’ll talk about Duke lacrosse and the fear of false reports of rape.

Sex 411: April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

For a full calendar of events, go to studentaffairs.illinois.edu/diversity/women

Jo and Ross want to hear from you. Send your questions and comments to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com

As you may know, Kim Rice’s last column with us was last week. Although Ross is sad at losing his long-time co-author, we’re very fortunate to have a brilliant resource in Jo Sanger. Say hello, Jo!
 
Jo: Hi! I’m very excited to write Doin’ It Well with Ross. Here’s a little about me. I’ve been working in the field of sexuality for the past 12 years with a focus on how positive, honest and fact based sex education influences sexual health. I appreciate the efforts of Doin’ It Well to create a space where people can critically examine the often complex topics of sexuality, to help them make good decisions to ultimately - dare I write - enjoy and celebrate their sexuality!
 
Dear Doin’ It Well I am having trouble keeping my rectum clean which has led to a sexual relation problem between me and my partner. I have light laxative to maintain regularity. I have also done cleaning with fingering n’ light soap. I am just wondering if there is anymore that I can do?

Thank you for writing in! You’re right; daily washing of the the anus and inserting a soapy finger are often enough for most people who enjoy anal play. You may also want to empty your bowels and take a shower before engaging in butt play. Planning is important; don’t start anal stimulation if you feel you have to use the toilet! Paying attention to when you experience bowel movements and recognizing when your rectum is “empty” may help with cleanliness. Here are some other things to consider:

Are you being too Lax?
Depending on your laxative use, you might want to check with a healthcare provider about possible side effects. There are different types of laxatives that all work in slightly different ways. For example, lubricant laxatives makes stool slippery, osmotic & hyperosmolar (Miralax, Milk of Magnesia) create softer stools that are easier to pass, while stimulants like Ex Lax or Correctal quicken the journey of stool through the colon and should not be used daily. Laxatives can cause cramping, diarrhea, leakage, interfere with the absorption of vitamins and minerals, and cause bowel movements to be unpredictable. They can also weaken the body’s natural ability to defecate, leading to laxative dependency. If you feel you need to consistently use laxatives to be regular, it might be helpful to see a healthcare provider or dietitian, who can suggest other ways to treat this problem.

How Clean?
Keep in mind that the rectum is a passageway for feces and - while relatively clean since feces are not stored there - you may want to keep in perspective how clean it can be. Jo is reminded of when her roommate first moved in and was doing the dishes. She was washing a well used casserole dish and asked “Like, how clean do you want this?” Jo responded with “Um…clean.” While both Jo and her roommate laughed, sometimes there are varying degrees of how clean things can get, and different people may have different expectations about that. Just like Jo’s roommate checking in with how “anal” Jo might be around cleanliness, you and your partner might want to talk about what is realistic for a clean rectum and whether or not you both are comfortable with that.

Enemas
Some people use enemas to clean their rectum before anal sex. Proper use of enemas is essential to protect your health, so if you are interested in enemas for this purpose, make sure you do your research beforehand. Factors like water temperature (too hot=ouch and too cold=cramping) and water pressure are really important. In addition, for basic cleaning a water-only enema is most often recommended. Many purchased enema kits contain chemicals which can have side effects. Enemas, especially with repeated use, can cause electrolyte imbalances and injuries, like internal bleeding. While these injuries are rare in healthy, sober adults, if you use enemas, do so wisely.

Not Being Anal
You and your partner may also want to consider that some anal play is not a turn on for you, due to some considerations when playing with that area of the body. Remember that there are other ways to stimulate and enjoy the anus that don’t include penetrative sex. You may find that you and your partner are more comfortable with fingering or rimming (oral stimulation to the anus) versus penetrating the rectum.

Safety
Being conscious of cleanliness with butt play is a good idea because you can come into contact with bacteria or parasites including hepatitis. (If you are a frequent rimmer, consider getting vaccinated against Hepatitis A.) Remember that the lining the rectum is sensitive and thin; treat it gently. Condom use is a must to prevent diseases from chlamydia to HIV. If you are orally stimulating the anus, use a latex barrier; a dental damn, unrolled & cut condom, or plastic wrap all work well.

Sex 411: Ass Awareness
• Morin, J. Anal Pleasure and Health
• Taormino, T. The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

Check us out next week when we’ll wax on about waxing.
Email Jo & Ross a question at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com