Doin’ It Well

Recently, there’s been a lot of buzz about the “hook up culture.” News stories often claim that 1) there has been a decline in traditional forms of dating by young people, which 2) has caused negative consequences of this cultural shift including increased risk for STDs, unplanned pregnancy and emotional difficulties. This week, Doin’ It Well decided to hook you up with some facts and considerations about intimate relationships.

Certainly, patterns of “dating” have changed in the last 50 years but little research has been done to document the actual benefits and negative outcomes of these new styles of interaction. (Often, the research presumes only negative outcomes from hooking up.) The cultural shift we’re seeing and the little research that has been done actually points to more complicated and nuanced dating patterns among young people, including the ways they navigate sexual relationships.

All or nothing?
Hooking up is a broad term that can include making out, genital touching, oral sex, and/or sexual intercourse. Often, we think there are only two relationship categories: a long term, committed relationship or a casual, one-night stand. The reality is that relationships are approached and defined in many different ways. As options broaden, it may be more important to consider what it is we want in a relationship and from our partners. Information from The Journal of Adolescent Research and the National Survey of Family Growth cite that most young people do experience their first sexual experiences within the context of a committed relationship. At the same time, research also shows that as many as 60% of young people go on to have sex with someone they are not dating, most often with a friend or ex-partner. More Than

Meaningless Sex?
Whether steady, intermittent/casual or one night stands, people do attach meaning to each of these relationships. Research has shown that hooking up may not be a short-term, sexual relationship without meaning but may include important elements of caring, respect, and exclusivity (commitment). The hooking up culture, overall, doesn’t appear to be a phenomenon of serial, random, one-night stands with strangers. Young people can and do develop close emotional bonds with partners before and after hooking up with them.

Is Dating Dated?
 While there are many factors that affect dating patterns, here are two to consider. First, as traditional gender roles decrease, men and women are interacting more often, with more opportunities to become emotionally intimate without dating. In the past, with stricter gender roles that limited the spaces folks could inhabit (especially for women), the main way to get to know someone of the opposite gender was to ask them out on a date. Secondly, with today’s technology, sex certainly isn’t the only thing people expect now, fast, immediately. All technology has sped up our expectations and increased the pace at which we approach everything, including dating.
 
I’d Rather Date
Only half of non-dating sexual relationships are exclusive, meaning at least one partner could be hooking up with someone else. Certainly this can increase the risk for STDs. But, this also means that half of couples who are hooking up are exclusive. Plus, the relationship labels and definitions have changed (and are changing). It’s important to note that some studies show that only half of teens in traditional “dating” relationships define them as exclusive. Therefore, labeling a relationship as “dating” versus “friends with benefits” does not alone guarantee monogamy, nor protect against STDs.

Wanting More
Often, hooking up is seen as dangerous and harmful especially to girls/women. It’s often assumed that girls/women are the only ones who long for a committed relationship to come from hooking up. It’s true that when asked by researchers, girls state more often their desire for a relationship after hooking up with someone, while boys downplay this desire. However, when interviewed individually, these distinctions become much less clear between genders. Research is also lacking to tell how this may change between genders as they continue to age (college and beyond). Many students talk about not feeling satisfied emotionally from hooking up. When sexual intimacy comes first, it can lead to confusion about the status of a relationship. One person may want something more from the relationship; another, less. Whether we’re hooking up or seriously dating, sexual behavior should make us feel positive and good about ourselves. If it results in feelings of guilt, shame, regret or disappointment, it may be time to re-evaluate your approach to your relationships and your sexual life. Next week Kim & Ross will respond to a reader about where to put your manhood.

Sex 411
Getting what you want About one third of males and females report their desire for a dating relationship after having sex with a non-dating partner, meaning, they hope a relationship will ensue after the “hook up.” The challenge may be in taking the next step to pursue the relationship you really want.

Kim and Ross can’t wait to hear what you have to say. Send questions and comments to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or post a comment on www.doinitwell.blog.com