Doin’ It Well

After our “Man Up!” (1/22/09) column exploring ways to redefine masculinity, we received several responses from readers. So Doin’ It Well decided to again explore what gender means, and what, if anything, it has to do with what’s between our legs.

Tastes Great, Less Filling

One reader commented on our blog:

Please. While I totally applaud the ‘progress’ in the question and the answer, I ask loudly that the ‘answer’ NOT repeat man’s history. It’s a waste of time if you do. Do you really believe that Men changing the ‘definition’ and ‘ideas’ of manhood will change things? One swift look at sexual histories will show that changing definitions of Manhood is a constant continual way that Man maintains power. Try being fully human instead of ‘partial human’. …. I suspect male is fully human and so is female. Start there. Just give up man and woman terms because there is no valid truth to the terms outside of social, and question opposite sex which totally demolishes these outdated terms for humans, unless of course you want to keep the idea of Man as superior and supreme. Changing definition of a word does not disturb the practice…we already learned that. New language seems to facilitate change

This is a great question, and it’s an argument that many people have (and we probably won’t solve here): should men concerned about sexism be “men” or should we refuse? Can we live outside of masculinity, or do we live inside of it?

We agree that in many ways, gender is kind of meaningless. As we’ve said before, gender is very different from biological sex. Sex is about “body parts,” while gender is all the stuff we assign to those parts. Certainly there are some physical differences, but there are many more differences that we exaggerate or fabricate to maintain this gender system. Sex doesn’t wholly determine who a person is or how much they’re worth or how they should act in a certain situation. But in our society, gender is supposed to determine those things and sometimes, it works. Gender is a lie we’re told often enough that we believe it about ourselves.

Take Bud Light. Bud Light is essentially a diet beer. When its formula was sold to Budweiser by a microbrewer, they had the Herculean task of getting men to buy something that was imbued with “feminine” meaning – a beer for someone who is watching calories, who in our culture is presumed to be a woman. But Budweiser set about an ad campaign showing manly men – football players – talking about how much they enjoyed this beverage – making it “manly” to drink diet beer. Bud Light does not inherently have anything to do with masculinity, but the meaning we assign to it allows drinking Bud Light to be a “manly” activity.

But, we don’t believe gender is so simple that we can just will it away. Gender is “real” because we make it real every day (like Bud Light). Like a white person addressing racism, we can’t change our whiteness, even though the ideas we have about race are constructed, just as we can’t change our masculine gender identity, even though gender is constructed. If as men we’re going to be allies to women and trans folks, we have to accept and celebrate who we are, while we figure out our responsibility to change.

Gentlemen’s Club

Another reader wrote:

One area (you) didn’t address is the difficulties and importance of men building support networks amongst other men. The young man who wrote the question might, with some effort, find women supportive of him (presuming he moved in pro-feminist directions). Oft times however - if he had that type of a support network eventually, he might be left out as male. Until or unless he found Men he could relate to and share his feelings with he would likely find it difficult to continue his growth and maintain “sanity” in a fairly crazy world.

- GM

We agree; finding a group of men can be a real and important struggle. Men’s relationships to other men should be fairly superficial, according to the “rules,” and getting too intimate with another man can set off all sorts of homophobic alarms. Patience and trusting that other men (and women) wish to be “fully human” are the best ways to approach these relationships and work towards sanity.

We’re also cautious, though. A group of men can easily become a place to examine men’s “problems” (or even fix women’s problems) without considering men’s impact upon women.  For a man to really challenge what it means to “be a man,” he has to examine his interactions with both women and men.

Stay tuned until next week as we ask, “What’s up, Doc?”

Sex 411: Feeling Your Manhood

• Bornstein, K. My Gender Workbook.
• Kivel, P. Men’s Work.
• Stoltenberg, J. Refusing to Be a Man.

Kim is a woman. Ross is a man (and proud new papa, to a boy). But they both like e-mails and questions. Contact them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com, and comment on their blog at www.doinitwell.blog.com

 

Recently, there’s been a lot of buzz about the “hook up culture.” News stories often claim that 1) there has been a decline in traditional forms of dating by young people, which 2) has caused negative consequences of this cultural shift including increased risk for STDs, unplanned pregnancy and emotional difficulties. This week, Doin’ It Well decided to hook you up with some facts and considerations about intimate relationships.

Certainly, patterns of “dating” have changed in the last 50 years but little research has been done to document the actual benefits and negative outcomes of these new styles of interaction. (Often, the research presumes only negative outcomes from hooking up.) The cultural shift we’re seeing and the little research that has been done actually points to more complicated and nuanced dating patterns among young people, including the ways they navigate sexual relationships.

All or nothing?
Hooking up is a broad term that can include making out, genital touching, oral sex, and/or sexual intercourse. Often, we think there are only two relationship categories: a long term, committed relationship or a casual, one-night stand. The reality is that relationships are approached and defined in many different ways. As options broaden, it may be more important to consider what it is we want in a relationship and from our partners. Information from The Journal of Adolescent Research and the National Survey of Family Growth cite that most young people do experience their first sexual experiences within the context of a committed relationship. At the same time, research also shows that as many as 60% of young people go on to have sex with someone they are not dating, most often with a friend or ex-partner. More Than

Meaningless Sex?
Whether steady, intermittent/casual or one night stands, people do attach meaning to each of these relationships. Research has shown that hooking up may not be a short-term, sexual relationship without meaning but may include important elements of caring, respect, and exclusivity (commitment). The hooking up culture, overall, doesn’t appear to be a phenomenon of serial, random, one-night stands with strangers. Young people can and do develop close emotional bonds with partners before and after hooking up with them.

Is Dating Dated?
 While there are many factors that affect dating patterns, here are two to consider. First, as traditional gender roles decrease, men and women are interacting more often, with more opportunities to become emotionally intimate without dating. In the past, with stricter gender roles that limited the spaces folks could inhabit (especially for women), the main way to get to know someone of the opposite gender was to ask them out on a date. Secondly, with today’s technology, sex certainly isn’t the only thing people expect now, fast, immediately. All technology has sped up our expectations and increased the pace at which we approach everything, including dating.
 
I’d Rather Date
Only half of non-dating sexual relationships are exclusive, meaning at least one partner could be hooking up with someone else. Certainly this can increase the risk for STDs. But, this also means that half of couples who are hooking up are exclusive. Plus, the relationship labels and definitions have changed (and are changing). It’s important to note that some studies show that only half of teens in traditional “dating” relationships define them as exclusive. Therefore, labeling a relationship as “dating” versus “friends with benefits” does not alone guarantee monogamy, nor protect against STDs.

Wanting More
Often, hooking up is seen as dangerous and harmful especially to girls/women. It’s often assumed that girls/women are the only ones who long for a committed relationship to come from hooking up. It’s true that when asked by researchers, girls state more often their desire for a relationship after hooking up with someone, while boys downplay this desire. However, when interviewed individually, these distinctions become much less clear between genders. Research is also lacking to tell how this may change between genders as they continue to age (college and beyond). Many students talk about not feeling satisfied emotionally from hooking up. When sexual intimacy comes first, it can lead to confusion about the status of a relationship. One person may want something more from the relationship; another, less. Whether we’re hooking up or seriously dating, sexual behavior should make us feel positive and good about ourselves. If it results in feelings of guilt, shame, regret or disappointment, it may be time to re-evaluate your approach to your relationships and your sexual life. Next week Kim & Ross will respond to a reader about where to put your manhood.

Sex 411
Getting what you want About one third of males and females report their desire for a dating relationship after having sex with a non-dating partner, meaning, they hope a relationship will ensue after the “hook up.” The challenge may be in taking the next step to pursue the relationship you really want.

Kim and Ross can’t wait to hear what you have to say. Send questions and comments to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or post a comment on www.doinitwell.blog.com

Smell is a funny thing when it comes to sex. Sometimes scents waft alluringly and seductively; it is the very fragrance that arouses us. Yet at other times, we turn up our noses at certain odors. These more “natural” odors are sometimes called disgusting, nasty, or unclean. Doin’ It Well decided that it was about time we took in the scents of sex.

Taking a Whiff

Smell occurs when tiny molecules pass through our nasal cavities and are detected by olfactory receptors lining our nose. Our sense of smell probably doesn’t do for us what it once did; many other animals have more developed senses of smell which they use to find food, home, mates, and sense danger. For humans, smell can become associated with past experiences, sometimes in complex ways. Certain perfumes, foods, or chemical smells can bring back good and bad memories.

Erotically, many sensual products are heavily marketed to play upon smells. From the obvious (like perfume) to the not-so-obvious (like candles, massage oils, or flavored lubes), these scents may produce a variety of reactions in us. Aromatherapists prescribe certain scents for various reactions, for instance lavender to relax, or rose as an aphrodisiac. Because we may also associate some smells with sexual experiences (like a particular shampoo), we may also find certain scents sensual.

Researchers in Chicago recently performed a study upon men suggesting that odors such as cinnamon buns, licorice, and pumpkin pie increased blood flow to the penis.  As goofy as this may seem, these researchers suggested that all sorts of smells (not just the bizarre combinations they selected) can probably increase arousal.

Phero-Moans?

There is also research examining pheromones, chemicals released by the body which may trigger sexual arousal. Most research shows that these pheromones aren’t particularly effective in human beings. This scent is found in fresh (before it becomes B.O.) sweat, and some research has found that women are attracted by the smell in men’s fresh sweat.  We have to wonder, though, about the assumptions in this research. Are women ever “naturally” attracted to other women or men attracted to other men? 

Au Natural

We live in a society that likes to cover up our body odors. Deodorant, perfume, cologne, aftershave, and douche all attempt to mask our own bodily odors with something else, something “better.” When we sweat or secrete fluids, these fluids have their own odors. From person to person, our bodies will smell different. Our genital areas may have their own unique odor. Despite this fact, women’s bodies receive a lot of undue criticism when it comes to smell. While there aren’t any products (that we know of) that target men when they have that “not-so-fresh feeling,” douches, feminine deodorants, and personal wipes all aim to “clean-up” women’s bodies, suggesting that these odors are unnatural.

Many people move past this hype, loving their own sexual smells as well as the sexual smells of their partners. Recently, a German company took this a step further and began manufacturing something they call “Vulva Original,” which is a concentrated perfume derived from women’s vaginal fluids. In some ways, we are very encouraged by the eroticization of women’s “natural” scent, which moves us away from the idea that vulvas should smell like roses or lemons. At the same time, the marketing campaign (Smell Me and.Com – clever, right?) poses naked, shaved women all around a man longingly smelling the place on his hand where he applied said perfume. The women aren’t there as full participants, but two-dimensional props; the allure of the scent isn’t connected to them as people, but as things to be sniffed.

Love That Smell

Smell can be a wonderful sense to play with in the bedroom. You may just pay special attention as you move throughout your day to what scents catch your attention, which are exciting or alluring. Play with different fragrances in your solo and partner sexual experiences.

Paying attention to smells can also be helpful with our own bodies. Changes in odors can be the result of diet, changes in the menstrual cycle, or even an infection. These scents can tell us about our bodies and our partners’ bodies.

Because of the shame the many of us receive about our bodies and sex, we may work on accepting and enjoying the odors that our bodies produce. These scents aren’t dangerous or unclean, but a healthy part of our bodies natural balance. Telling your partner that you enjoy the way their bodies smell can be a step towards enjoying the juicy mechanics of your sex life.

Check us out next week as we hook you up!

Sex 411: Loving the Scent You’re In

• Discover how your sexual places smell

• Talk with your partner about your aromatic turn-ons and turn-offs

• Worwood, V. Scent & Scentuality: Essential Oils and Aromatherapy for Romance, Love, and Sex.

Kim and Ross sense that you have a question for them. Send it along to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com