Doin’ It Well

Fisting is a sexual act in which an entire fist and sometimes part of the arm are inserted into the vagina or anus/rectum. The act of fisting often gets either sensationalized, or is the subject of tall tales and misinformation. If not done with knowledge and care, fisting can cause injury, yet few resources exist to help folks understand the ins and outs of proper fisting.

This week, Doin’ It Well decided to provide an introduction to fisting. This column is just an introduction, not a guide. Fisting is an art that takes a lot of knowledge, skill, practice and communication.

How is that pleasurable?

Many people enjoy activities that test and stretch the limit of the human body and mind, like marathon runners or those who climb Mt. Everest. This kind of enjoyment can be applied to sexual activity, too.

Trust and relinquishing control may be central to the appeal of fisting. Part of the psychological pleasure is the voluntary release of control, being vulnerable and giving up to another person. Fisting is not about having power over someone, but the power of being able to give someone extreme pleasure, and being responsible and skilled enough to do so.

Physically, some people enjoy the sensation of fullness that fisting provides. Spasms can occur as the muscles react to the bulk inside the rectum which can lead to an “anal orgasm.” In addition, advance practioners of fisting may experiment with massaging internal organs such as the prostate in men or cervix in women which can add to the pleasure of sexual climax.

A Sensual Act

Fisting is a caring act done without any kind of force. Contrary to the images the word “fisting” might evoke, it is not about violence, agression, or hurting yourself or a partner. Practioners of fisting take great care to protect their health so they can continue to enjoy fisting. The honesty, openness, trust, and talking that is required for good fisting is not often a part of other sexual acts and can intensify feelings of bonding, mutual respect and caring for a partner.

Getting a Handle on Handballing

Handballing is a term often used by gay men to describe anal fisting. Regardless if you are male or female and engaging in vaginal or anal play, fisting should not involve pain. Skill in properly inserting and receiving a fist must be learned. Those interested should spend significant time learning about fisting beforehand. (Check out the Sex 411 below)

The focus of fisting is not on thrusting. Fisting is about learning to control, relax and stretch muscles. This is developed over time, not accomplished with one try. Being able to actually take a fist can take months or longer to learn and be ready for; each person goes at their own pace. A fisting scene can last an hour or many hours, due to the time it takes for a person to be “ready”-aroused, relaxed, and open enough for fisting to take place.

Doin’ It Well

Risks, although relatively rare, can include tears to the anus or the lining of the vagina or rectum. To avoid tears keep fingernails short and filed and use latex or silicone gloves.

Although it may be difficult, those engaging in fisting should talk to a trusted healthcare provider about their activities and consult them if they ever have any questions or worry something may be wrong.

Avoid drug use, including painkillers, muscle relaxers and alcohol, as they significantly increase the risk of injury and block the sensation, awareness and control needed for a safe fisting experience. This is true for both the bottom and the top; a careless top can injure you!

Lots of lube is key to fisting. Water-based lubes aren’t usually enough for anal fisting, so many folks use Crisco or Elbow Grease. Both of these will break down latex (use polyurethane gloves instead), but provide excellent staying power. Petroleum jelly is not recommended, as it can stick to the walls of the vagina or rectum, increasing the development of bacteria. Even with good lube, additional lube is frequently re-applied during fisting.

Open Up

Communication is very important with fisting; a top must be very in-tune with a bottom and the bottom must communicate directly and openly to the top. If there is pain, slow down, stop or gently remove the hand.

If you are new to fisting, let your partner know, regardless if you are a top or bottom. It’s very important that your partner know your level of experience with either penetrating or receiving a fist.

Check us out next week as we sniff around sex and smell.

Sex 411: Additional Fisting Facts

· Vaginal elasticity can affect vaginal fisting. Women who have had full hysterectomies with the cervix & top of vagina removed or male-to-female transsexuals with constructed vaginas may experience more difficulty with fisting.

· Addington, D. A Hand in the Bush

· Morin, J. Anal Pleasure and Health.

· Herrman, B..Trust, the Handbook: A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Act of Handballing.

Got a question? Email it to Kim & Ross! You can reach them at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com.

I was wondering if you have any suggestions for me. I have trouble pinning down a healthy concept of masculinity. From a young age I felt like I was told that men’s wants and desires were inherently damaging to women and so my desires were dangerous. [Do] you [have] any thoughts on books or other resources for me or some things I could do to try to counter this discomfort with my own masculinity[?]

- Questioning Masculinity

Dear QM,

Thank you for writing to us. What you are struggling with is quite normal. Figuring out our gender and how we want to be sexually is actually a more difficult process than we think. To really get to the heart of your question, we need to step back and take a look at what it really means to be a “man.”

Manly Man

Gender is both our internal sense of identity, and our external performance of that identity. We pick up our ideas about gender from many different places – our family, the media, our friends, or religion – all of which tell us a little bit about how we should be as men (masculine) or women (feminine).

Masculinity specifically gets defined in some very narrow ways. We have facilitated an exercise where groups brainstorm about what it means to “be a man.” The groups generate a list of terms like tough, in control, stoic, provider, independent, and a player. When they discuss what happens to men when they don’t fit into this list, they talk about men being called names, ostracized, and even beat up. Many men may find themselves engaging in these behaviors as a way to prove their manhood, even if they struggle with this traditional definition of masculinity.

There isn’t anything set in stone about this act of “being a man.” In fact, most men do not fit into these qualities, and no one can, all of the time. But the mythology is that there are some men who are “real men,” and this pressures all men to act like this.

Men in Bed

Let’s look at how traditional masculinity can get played out in sexual relationships. If a man is supposed to be in control, he may feel like he needs to know what he’s doing sexually. If he’s supposed to be stoic, he may not be in touch with his feelings or even the sensations he’s experiencing. If he’s supposed to be a player, he may feel like he shouldn’t be concerned about his partner so much as the sexual conquest. Also, this performance doesn’t leave much room for talking about what feels good, learning what a partner likes, and growing as a lover.

We also know that men commit the majority of sexual violence, harassment, and dating violence. We can see if men are supposed to be aggressive and in charge how sexual violence might be a logical conclusion for some men. Most men do not commit this violence, though, and many men abhor that these acts are committed by their gender.

Dropping Out

For some men, recognizing the negatives of being a “real man” may make them ambivalent about their gender and uncertain how they can be men in healthy ways. It sounds like you may be feeling this. It is one thing to recognize the ways that masculinity can be unhealthy, but it’s a different thing to redefine and reclaim our own gender.

Rather than getting bogged down by guilt – which is often paralyzing and unhelpful – we can begin to celebrate our sexual desires. Men’s desires aren’t unhealthy or dangerous; they are part of who we are. By accepting these feelings, we can also start to make sense of where they came from and if we’d like to act upon them.

Being a New Man

To work on this, the first step is acknowledging that the way you were taught to be a man may not be the man you hoped to be. . The second step is to examine what aspects of masculinity you want to redefine for yourself. This is uncharted territory; we have to figure out ways to accept ourselves in spite of (rather than with the help of) the messages we’ve received. It’s easy to feel alone because you probably haven’t heard many men talk about this struggle, even though most men have probably felt uncomfortable with masculinity. Educating yourself can help further this journey.

Give yourself permission to feel your attractions and fantasies. As you explore being a man on your own terms, you may begin letting go of control and being vulnerable. This can be frightening, but it can also be incredibly rewarding.

Stay tuned until next week as we open up to fisting.

Sex 411:

Katz, J. The Macho Paradox

Hugo Schwyzer’s blog www.hugoschwyzer.net

Marc Anthony Neal’s blog www.newblackman.blogspot.com

Zilbergeld, B. The New Male Sexuality

Kim and Ross hope you have a question or comment for us. Drop us a line at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Flirting. Everyone does it. Some people are good at it. Some people are oblivious to it. And many of us are somewhere in between. But there is a lot of pressure to flirt “correctly” to attract a one-night stand or Mr/Ms Right. We recently heard someone comment that some of the more detailed sexual behaviors we talk about in the column are great, but that they needed to know if someone was flirting with them first! Definitely, flirting is a key part of social and intimate interactions, including sex. But although flirting could lead to sex, we think that flirting has a lot more to do with making and building a connection. So Doin’ It Well  thought we would back up this week and examine flirting.

Flirting is about expressing an interest in another person. Although flirting can be sexual or non-sexual, (for instance, babies are always accused of flirting), we’ll focus on the sexual/romantic aspects of flirting. Flirting takes on a lot of forms, but can be verbal, non-verbal, and physical. The most important part of flirting is that it is fun. Flirting isn’t about manipulating someone into bed, it’s about making a connection and finding if there is potential for more. And flirting isn’t just for meeting someone new – flirting is also important in long-term relationships to show affection and attraction.

Body Language of Love

Although the flirting we think about tends to be focused on the verbal (“Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven?”), non-verbal communication is also important. Your body language can help communicate this. Relax, smile, and be who you are. If you haven’t approached them yet, make brief eye contact, and let them know you’re interested. Being casual is an important facet of flirting – this isn’t Elimidate, so no need to rush or be forced.

Body language can also be helpful to gauge how interested the other person is. Pay attention to their body language. What is their facial expression communicating?  Are they expressing openness to your flirting? Are they leaning towards you?  Are they making eye contact? Each of these might mean that the individual you’re flirting with is interested in talking more with you.

The Pick-Up

After flirting across the room (or wait, was it flirting?), actually talking with the person may feel a little daunting. But remember, flirting isn’t about the outcome; it’s about the experience itself. Enjoy the opportunity to meet someone new. Make small talk with the person, maybe commenting on the song playing, something they are wearing or the crowd gathered at the event. There doesn’t need to be a question or deep comment; your opening simply let’s you see if the person is interested in talking with you. If they are interested, they will keep talking with you.

As you talk, you will probably begin sharing a little information about yourself. Go slowly and take turns. After you share something about yourself, ask them about themselves. As important as what you say is how you listen. Follow the lead of the person you’re talking with as you share information.  As you talk, you can introduce yourself during the conversation.

Let’s Get Physical

Physical contact is a key way to tell if someone is flirting with you and to flirt with another person. As you talk with the person, you might lean towards them or touch their arm. Making this contact allows you to become more intimate in your communication and express your interest. Many people have their own personal boundaries, so pay attention to how they react when you make physical contact. If they’re uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean they’re not interested, but you want to be more sensitive about their personal space. Also, physical contact is different from person to person and in different settings. What may be flirtatious physical contact for one person may be platonic for another.  Take the physical contact for what it’s worth and enjoy the interaction.

Exchanging Digits

So you’ve had a good time talking and you’d like it to continue. This may be the most vulnerable part of flirting because you need to make your intentions known and may risk rejection. Let the person know that you are interested in seeing them again, and you can ask them for their phone number or e-mail. If things feel certain, you could even set up a date. They may not be interested, and that’s totally okay. You had the opportunity to meet someone new and share a friendly and flirty interaction. A less vulnerable approach may be to offer your number, inviting them to call you if they are out again (are going dancing, or at another show, etc.) This let’s them off the hook if they don’t want to call you, and neither of you have to grapple with rejection.

Flirting is fun and exciting, but it’s really only one step in connecting with someone. Building a relationship takes more than posing and pick-up lines, it takes listening, sharing, and risk. Have fun!

Check us out next week as we man up!

Sex 411: Flirting Assistance

Cox, Tracey. Superflirt

Kim and Ross are using their body language to express how much they’d like for you to write them a question or comment. Send them to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Hi Kim & Ross,

“When I was younger, I wouldn’t go down on guys because of the way oral sex was portrayed, like in Snoop Dogg’s songs when he says things like ‘suck my d*ck, b*tch!’ Even though I was curious and genuinely wanted to try oral sex, I feel like the media limited my behavior.  You two should write about that!”

-AC

 AC,

Excellent suggestion! Many of us remember the powerful scene in GI Jane when Demi Moore tells Viggo Mortensen to “Suck my d*ck!” Rather than a tender sexual moment, this expression is used to indicate power or dominance over someone, or to put them down. For a lot of reasons, oral sex is taboo. Because the genitals are seen as “dirty,” someone who would put them in their mouth is therefore submissive. Also, the position of being on one’s knees while performing oral sex on a man physically indicates the receiver being “above” the giver.  For many reasons, oral sex is assigned more than just a sexual meaning; it is often more associated with power instead of - or in addition to - pleasure.

Powerful Messages

Because our society is unable to talk openly about sexuality, often the only way to get away with mentioning it is to demonize both the act itself and the people performing it. (Curiously, the people receiving oral sex are rarely put down, which helps reinforce their “power”) Talking about sex in this way also perpetuates the idea that sexuality (especially sexual pleasure or enjoyment for women) is inherently wrong and keeps these conversations on the outside limits of polite conversation, hidden under “explicit lyrics” labels.

Meaningless?

Sex without love is often portrayed as a universal fantasy, perhaps in response to strict moral pressures about what kind of sex is permitted. But often this fantasy gets hijacked – instead of humanity, respect and true mutual regard and pleasure for both partners, “meaningless” sex is depicted as something entirely different-power, anger, disgust. This places sex in a dichotomy: it is either romantic/loving or it’s about power over another person. We also live in a society where sex is supposed to revolve around the penis and male pleasure, so both men and women may have difficulty navigating mutually respectful and caring “meaningless” oral sex.

Down on Me

It makes sense that after hearing messages about oral sex you wouldn’t want to engage in that behavior. If we believe only “b*tches” perform oral sex or that it is an act of submission, we may not want to give our partners a BJ, feel frustrated if we want to but don’t want to be labeled “that type of person,” not want to ask for one, or even be upset if our partners give us one.  This can lead to complex feelings that link physical pleasure with emotional discomfort. In this way, the sex negative representations of oral sex can limit us all sexually.

In oral sex, the receiver is portrayed as harsh, aggressive and disrespectful. This is often shown as the only way for men to ask for and receive oral sex. If this is the only context we see fellatio, it may feel like we have forced roles to play: either the aggressive receiver or the degraded, giver. Rarely do we see portrayals of mutually respected sexual partners who care about one another and enjoy shared pleasure shown in mainstream media, especially when it comes to overt sexual behaviors.

Oral Arguments

To fully enjoy our sex lives, it’s important we engage in activities only when we are comfortable or ready to. Because we’re surrounded by the media, the sexual messages we hear are going to impact the ways we experience sex. If a behavior does not feel appealing to us, it is our choice to decide not to engage in it. At the same time, it can be helpful to talk to a partner about your desires and hesitations and find ways to experiment on your terms. It may mean developing a foundation of mutual respect and trust. It may also mean communicating with a partner if something feels demeaning, and why. It’s also just as important to listen to our partners about what they like and how they are feeling about our sexual interactions.

The next time you hear or see a reference to sex or sexuality in the media, take a moment to analyze what the message is, and how it might shape the sexual beliefs of those listening. Talking with others about these messages can help us all sort through the positives and negatives we hear about oral sex, and learn what we like.

Check us out next week as we flirt with flirting.

Sex 411: Challenging Media Myths

Check out these films that address media literacy and sexuality:

Hip Hop: Beyond Beats & Rhymes

The Price of Pleasure

Wrestling with Manhood

Send Kim and Ross your questions and suggestions to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com, and check out past columns at www.doinitwell.blog.com