Doin’ It Well

Object of My Desire: The Ethics of Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction is normal. Finding others sexually attractive or being found sexually attractive can be exciting, fun and sexy. But, Ross was recently talking to a friend who was worried about his attraction to the woman he was dating. This man had taken courses about the ways sexual objectification negatively affected women and men. And he definitely did not want to do this to the woman he cared about. But he wondered: was his sexual attraction objectifying? Was it wrong? If he found her attractive, did that mean he saw her as an object?

These may seem like extreme questions, but they are struggles we’ve heard men talk about. So Doin’ It Well wanted to take a moment to explore attraction and objectification and help bring sexy back - respectfully!

Subject or Object?

What is objectification exactly? Objectification is when a person is viewed and valued as an object for our own pleasure, versus as a person with humanity, thoughts, feelings, and ideas. For example, if we open any popular magazine (from Cosmo to Maxim), we will see women’s bodies, or just specific body parts, in the ads.  Viewing women’s bodies and finding them sexually attractive isn’t wrong; it’s the way that women’s bodies are repeatedly put on display that can be the issue (and which women are chosen for display). Not only do they fit a narrow standard of “beauty,” but they are often just parts- legs, breasts, butt- used to try to sell us something. In many ways, we’re taught not to consider women as a whole, human being. Instead we’re trained to view her “parts”, evaluate them and decide what we like and don’t like. It’s at this point that the woman is presented to us and becomes for us, an object, not a person.

Stealing a Glance

We all see these images and are taught to look at women’s bodies in this way. Boys and men alike may talk about a woman’s ass, tits, or legs, but have more trouble considering and talking about their personality. Ross had a student in a class who was talking about the ways he looks at women he meets at a bar. He confessed that he didn’t look them in the face, but looked at “Microphone One and Microphone Two,” (her breasts). As he thought about it, he realized he had never considered how that might make her feel. Her feelings and other aspects of her personhood hadn’t crossed his mind.

Because we are taught to look at women and eroticize specific parts of their bodies we may then have difficulty shifting from their “parts” back to a whole person. Objectification may have become so common that we don’t even know we’re doing it. We may not even know what these interactions would look like without the objectification.

At the extreme, objectification allows us to mistreat individuals with impunity. We can stare, grope, holler, or make comments and not be concerned about their feelings or wishes. In the less extreme, this objectification can affect our relationships with people. It’s difficult to have a respectful relationship with someone when we are more interested in their cleavage than their ideas. Many men we’ve worked with struggle with trying to find a way to honor their natural attraction while also respecting women as fellow human beings.

Ethical Attraction?

The first step to attraction without objectification is recognizing your feelings. Again, attraction is normal and natural, and it’s definitely not the problem! So when you experience attraction, pay attention to how you feel, and also how you are acting. How are you treating the other person? How are they feeling about your interaction? If you can, you might even talk with them about it. If you notice you are sexually attracted to someone, it may be helpful to add “and she is a person” to your internal dialogue. You may want to explore how that changes your attraction, thoughts, or the way you might then interact with that person.

Then think about how you’d like to treat that person. How do you think that person would want you to consider them and treat them?  Think about how you’d like someone to think about and express their attraction to a close woman in your life, like your mother or sister. You may not want to think about someone being sexually attracted to a family member, but if they were, what would their respect look like? How can you both honor your sexual attraction as being healthy and normal while also honoring the other person and their humanity?

Finally, practice! Changing the ways we may objectify isn’t going to happen overnight, because we probably have a lot more practice at objectifying than at not objectifying. Relearning how to look at and be with others isn’t easy, especially when we are surrounded by images that constantly tell us otherwise.  So be patient and stay committed to learning.

Stay tuned until next week as we explore sexual experimentation.

Sex 411:   Still Unsure? Check this out!

Chicago’s Teatro Luna presents “MACHOS” – how 50 men (and 8 women) learned how to be men!

7pm, Wednesday, October 1st

Auditorium of the Activities & Recreation Center, 211 E. Peabody Dr., Champaign

Jensen, R. Getting Off

Katz, J. The Macho Paradox

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland would like to hear from you. Send your comments and questions to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

On September 9^th it was reported on the CBS national news that the McCain camp had accused Barack Obama of supporting legislation in
Illinois that would provide “sex education to kindergartners.” Obama’s team fired back saying McCain’s accusation was “shameful and disgusting,” going on to say that the education he supports is designed to protect kids from sexual abuse.

What McCain’s people were referencing are remarks made by Senator Obama during an appearance before Planned Parenthood in 2004. Obama supported a bill that would have expanded “age appropriate” sex-education from grades 6-12 to kindergarten through 12th grade. The bill never became law.

As Crazy as it Sounds

“Sex education for kindergartners” is a phrase that we’ve heard on the news before. It’s used in an inflammatory way, without any explanation of what it actually means.  Of course a phrase that includes sex and kindergartners in the same sentence is shocking and scary.  Our reactions might be different if we heard “sexuality education for kindergartners” since sexuality is a science: it is the study and understanding of human anatomy and biology, how we as humans reproduce and interact socially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Our fear of this science – let alone teaching it to kids - is somewhat understandable. When we hear the word “sex,” we may automatically think about what that word means for us as adults. We believe that sex=sexual behaviors because most of us did not receive sexuality education from the time we were little. We don’t know what it would look like for younger kids or what information it could include.

Also, when we think “sex education,” we might think about condoms, birth control, STDs or even this Doin’ It Well column. No one talked to us about other aspects of the science of sexuality, like the proper, scientific names for our bodies, how certain parts of our bodies are private, how babies are made, and how men produce sperm and women produce eggs after they reach puberty.

Just like math in kindergarten does not include calculus, sex education in kindergarten DOES NOT include discussions of sexual positions, condoms or other more complex topics. By suggesting this, it misleads us into opposing the information that kids need to live healthy lives.

Perverts and Pedophiles

Add into this mix the way our society addresses the issue of child sexual abuse. We may teach “stranger danger” to our kids, but we avoid discussing any of the specifics of sexual abuse, ignoring the vast majority of this abuse that is committed by known, trusted adults. Unfortunately, denying appropriate sex education to young people is part of the reason sexual abuse continues - children don’t have the language or opportunity to tell people about it. For many children, they are not believed when they do tell.

When we treat the subject of human sexuality as taboo, we also treat the abuse of sexuality as taboo as well. Perpetrators know this and use it against children. The lack of sex education for little ones leaves kids vulnerable to abuse - with no trusted adults who they feel comfortable talking to about it.  

Teaching children about their bodies and the difference between good touch and bad touch helps prevent and stop sexual abuse.

So what would you teach?

Experts in the field of sexual science have developed curriculum that outline age appropriate topics, messages and information for very young children. For example, the Sex Information and Education Council of the US (SIECUS) recommends that children ages 5-8 are taught that children’s bodies change as they grow older, that people have the ability to have children only after they reach puberty, that each part of our bodies, including the genitals, has a specific name and a specific function and that all body parts and functions are normal and healthy.

In addition, the following facts and information can be part of sexuality education for children ages 5-8:

• Women and men have reproductive organs that enable them to have a child
• When a woman is pregnant, a fetus grows inside her body, in the uterus (not in the stomach)
• Not all people choose to have children and men and women who cannot have a baby can choose to adopt one
• Individual bodies are different sizes, shapes and colors; these differences make us unique
• Everyone should be proud of the body they have
• Making fun of people by calling them names, including names like “fag” or “homo” is disrespectful and hurts people’s feelings
• Some reproductive organs are on the outside of the body, like a penis or vulva and some are on the inside like the uterus.
• There are all types of families, some with one parent, some with two, some with a mommy & daddy, some with two daddies or two mommies or a grandparent, etc.
• Biological “sex” refers to if a person is male or female. 

In addition to the above, very young children (Kindergartners) can be taught the difference between what secrets are OK to keep (like a surprise birthday party) and which secrets should be told (someone is hurting me).  Children can be taught to respect the bodies of others, while celebrating their own body.

Teaching kids about healthy sexuality starting at a young age leads to sexually healthier adults and a healthier society.

Stay tuned next week as Kim & Ross explore the ethics of sexual attraction.

Sex 411 Resources for Sexuality Education for Young Children

Happy Birthday by Robie Harris

It’s Not the Stork by Robie Harris (ages 4 & up)

SIECUS guidelines for Comprehensive Sexuality Education for K-12:

http://www.siecus.org/_data/global/images/guidelines.pdf

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland can’t write it well without you! Send them your comments and questions to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Lately we’ve been thinking about parties. Not birthday parties, retirement parties, or Labor Day cookouts – though any of those can be a good excuse for a party. But we’ve been thinking about the parties that get thrown at the beginning of the semester and how sexual behavior (in all forms) is an implicit part of socializing at such events.

Parties are a place for people to connect with one another, meet new people and relax after a week of work or studying. Part of this “good time” can be about sexuality: whether that means just flirting with someone, getting someone’s phone number, making out, or having sex. Many times, this happens casually as a natural product of socializing. But sometimes, parties are set up in advance specifically to facilitate sex. There isn’t anything wrong with socializing for the purpose of sex, so long as everyone is free to make their own decisions about what they want. But, a party that is unsafe is not sexy or fun. As a good host, the safety of all your guests, sexually and otherwise, is important. Here are some of our thoughts on how to create a safe, sexy party.

Yes Yes Yes!

Obviously, if we’re going to create a sexy party, it has to be okay for people to express their sexual desires respectfully. For example, it is respectful to let someone know that you find them attractive or that you want to hook up with them. But, it is disrespectful to keep talking to them about it after they’ve shown you that they aren’t interested. It’s un-sexy to harass or feel entitled to something (sex) or someone.  It’s respectful to allow people to express their desires (or even act on them) without fear of shame or punishment from their friends. It’s totally disrespectful to call someone a slut or whore for being sexual. Parties should be a safe place where all people can express their sexuality in ways they want, while respecting others, without judgment or retaliation.

No No No?

Just as important as the right to say, “yes,” is the permission to say no. Saying “no” shouldn’t result in being called frigid or a prude; people should be able to have fun on their own terms without being subjected to further pressure to be sexual (especially for someone else’s benefit).

Party Supplies

A good party host is also prepared. If it’s likely that your guests might hook up in the mutually pleasurable and respectful environment you’ve created, you might want to have some condoms or other latex barriers available. It’s your call whether you have them on the living room table or in a bathroom drawer.

But safety is more than just wearing a love glove; check up on people occasionally. A sex dungeon (place where people have public sex) in San Francisco actually employs people to walk around and check for consent. What if we allowed people to do this at parties here? It may sound weird at first, but would you mind if someone asked you if you were both okay with what was happening? Wouldn’t you appreciate it if you weren’t? It could be as simple as saying “is everyone good here?” or “Are you both cool?”

Where’s the liquor?

Alcohol plays an interesting role when we’re talking about having a sexy party. Although not a necessity, alcohol often is used to loosen people up and lower anxiety about socializing. Some people may be friendlier or even more sexual when drinking. This effect is partially about the ways alcohol affects our bodies, but it is also about what we expect alcohol to do because of what advertising promises us.

At the same time, some parties may use alcohol to target individuals – often women – to get them heavily intoxicated for the purpose of having sex with them. We see this happen at bars and parties – men buy women drinks, often giving them drinks with high alcohol content masked by a fruity taste. Sometimes this is seen as part of the “game;” you give someone drinks and keep trying until they can’t say no. This is a dangerous game for everyone. The women at these parties are being targeted for what could be consensual sex (if they want to have sex), but what could be rape. The men at these parties can be leaving their female friends open to sexual violence, and their male friends open to harming women.

We want to speak very directly to men. Many of these parties are thrown by men and target women. There is nothing inherently wrong with men throwing parties or men hoping to hook up with someone, but when it comes at the price of feeding someone drinks until they stop saying no, that just isn’t cool. Men: you have a responsibility to your party guests – male and female. A good host creates a party where rape is unlikely, not inevitable. So watch out for each other and create an environment of mutual caring and respect That’s very sexy!

Stay tuned next week as we explore whether sex ed really is for kindergarteners.

Sex 411: Sexy Party Tips

• Don’t pressure people to drink
• Avoid serving jungle juice or mixed drinks
• Watch out for people who have had too much to drink
• Distract or remove people hitting on very drunk guests

Thanks to Mark, Trevor, and Jose from the Fraternity Peer Rape Education Program for their sexy party tips!

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are waiting for your comments and questions. Contact them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

When did you “come out” as straight? Do you think it may just be a phase? What do you think made you straight? These questions sound ridiculous; in our society, being straight is the acceptable and “normal” sexual orientation. So “normal” that straight folks don’t have to “come out”; it’s assumed. But for lesbian, gay or bisexual people in our society, the process of “coming out” may not be so easy.

“Coming out” is a complex process where LGB people have to make repeated choices about if, when and with whom to share their sexual orientation. Coming out isn’t absolute; some people choose to remain “closeted” entirely, with certain people (being out to friends but not family), or within certain circumstances (work).  A person who is “in the closet” always or often hides the fact that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered. Because coming out is something that we may not always understand, this week Doin’ It Well decided to explore the closet, being in it and coming out.  Because sexual orientation is different than gender identity, we are focusing on people who are LGB. 

Exploring the Closet

Because people who grow up lesbian, gay or bisexual usually cannot express their same sex attractions, feelings and fantasies, their LGB identity does not always become part of their public persona. Sometimes LGB folks keep these feelings and attractions so far out of their awareness, they may be unable to fully realize or acknowledge them; meaning, they are unable to come out, even to themselves.

Many people, LGB and straight alike often have their own opinions about how someone should come out. Deciding to open the closet door or keep it closed is an individual decision. It is unique to each person, and each person experiences coming out in their own way, with none, little or a lot of difficulty. People may spend years struggling with their sexual identity, remaining in the closet for a long time.

Generally speaking, there are two main steps involved in coming out: coming out to self and, then, coming out to others. The first step may be easy for some (“I’ve always known I was a lesbian”) and more challenging or even impossible to others (“I may be attracted to members of my sex but I am not, can not, be “gay”).

If a person is able to overcome the messages and pressures of their environment, they may come out to themselves, acknowledging and accepting that they are LGB. But sometimes, the messages that say being gay, lesbian or bisexual is “bad” are so powerful that LGB folks may avoid any feelings they may have, keeping them out of their awareness. It may feel like being anything other than straight is not an option.

Staying IN

 Just as there are reasons for coming out, there are often reasons and even benefits of staying in the closet. How, when and where people choose to be out varies by their individual circumstances. While it can be costly emotionally, it can have its benefits, too. By remaining closeted, a person may preserve a relationship that may end if they decide to come out. Also, because being LGB gets different attention than being straight, they may feel like being closeted will help them be seen as who they are versus someone’s “gay friend.” In effect, they may be physically, emotionally or financially safer in the closet, depending on the circumstances.  We are not advocating that folks don’t come out, but we do recognize the risks involved with that process.

Coming OUT

Just as there are reasons for remaining closeted, there are also many reasons to understand our sexual orientation and come out. Coming out recognizes that our sexuality is an important part of our identity, and that by coming out, we have the chance to be recognized for our complete selves, not just the “acceptable” portions.

Coming out is a personal choice. But sometimes we feel that LGB folks should come out to us, as if they owe us. We may even create a dynamic where we expect people to come out, but don’t make a safe environment for that “outing.” Respect the struggles, benefits and liabilities of what it means for an individual person to disclose their sexual orientation, and let them make the decision on their own – whether or not they come out to us.

What will coming out be like? It all depends on a number of factors, some of which have to do with tolerance of LGB people experienced by family, media, religion and culture. We all have a part in creating an environment that is safe and comfortable for people to express who they are without fear of prejudice, being thrown out of their homes, loss of relationships or other consequences.

Who Needs A Closet Anyway?       

Kids who grow up gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex or anything other than “straight”, usually have very few resources and support systems to help them sort through not only their feelings but the homophobic world in which they live. The anti-LGBT prejudices they experience might exist at school, at church or right in their home, leaving few safe spaces to actually open the door and come out.  It’s up to all of us to change this so that everyone can be out and about as the people they truly are.

Check us out next week as we explore sexy party tips!

Sex 411:

Office of LGBT Resources, 323 Illini
Union, www.odos.uiuc.edu/lgbt 

Bornstein, Kate. Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland answer reader questions in their column. Write to them at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com