Doin’ It Well

As summer approaches, many people like to cool off in the water, or enjoy a nice warm bath. Depending on the temperature and location (private Jacuzzi vs. at a beach), being in water can evoke many different sensations and some people love the excitement and variety of being sexual in (or around) water. Here are some ideas about the ways that water can add a splash to your sex life!

Swimming Solo

Whether you’re in a tub or in a stream, water can be used for masturbation in many different ways. Water may work as a slight lubricant, but during solo play, you can also use oil-based or silicon-based lube, or even bath products, to assist. If you’re not using a product approved for sexual lubrication, be careful and pay attention to whether it irritates your more intimate parts.

Varying the temperature can also provide different sensations. Warm water may help muscles in the body relax and create a soothing sensation, but cold water may provide a jolting stimulus that some individuals enjoy. Tip: let the water warm up slowly so you don’t burn yourself!

When in a tub or shower, jets, faucets, or showerheads can be used to direct water at the breasts, penis, scrotum, clitoris, vagina, or anus. Try lying on your back in the tub with your legs at a right angle up the shower wall (run warm water first, the tub floor can be cold!), and allow the water from the faucet or shower to spray directly on your penis, clitoris/vagina, or anus. Or you can try backing up to the faucet or jet on all-fours, allowing the water to stimulate you. If you have a hand-held shower head, you can move around the water rather than contorting your body. In either position, you can stimulate yourself at the same time, varying temperature, position, and water pressure.

Swimming Styles

When you’re swimming with a partner, you have many different options. First, figure out what the two of you want to do in the water. You might prefer mutual masturbation or sexual intercourse. The buoyancy you experience in the water or on pool accessories like floatation devices may allow for more creative positions. You and your partner will quickly figure out what things work and don’t work for you in the water. For example, while kissing or oral sex under water can be an exciting idea, they can’t last very long due to a lack of oxygen.

Pool Rules

As with any swimming excursion, there are some important rules to note before jumping in. First off, safer sex is still important. No matter how chlorinated or warm the water may be, it is still possible to transmit STDs or get pregnant. It is a huge urban legend, however, that you either a) cannot get pregnant while in a hot tub or b) you could get pregnant from random semen swimming in the tub. These are both false. Sperm outside of the body would not live very long, nor would random sperm likely find their way into a woman’s vagina. At the same time, if you are having unprotected penetrative sex, pregnancy is a distinct possibility-since semen is most likely deposited deep inside the vaginal canal, next to the cervix. Water from a pool, bath or hot tub is unlikely to wash this internal area of the body, and it wouldn’t kill all the sperm anyway.

Be sure to put on condoms when you’re on dry land; putting on a condom under water may cause water to get between the penis/dildo and condom, which may lead to slippage. Using the Reality female condom in the water may be preferable because it is inserted into the vagina or rectum - meaning less risk of slippage.  And it’s made of polyurethane, which won’t wear down with oil-based lubricants.

Even Wetter

Water-based lubes and women’s natural lubrication may wash away in the water, leaving both of you a little dry. To avoid this, you can buy a water-based lube containing silicon (such as Gun Oil or Pjur Eros), which is safe for latex barriers and stays on in the water.

Finally, take care of your parts. Our genitals are some of the tenderest areas on our body, and they may be more sensitive chemicals, soap, or even muddy water. Sex in the water can force irritants into the vagina, urethra or rectum, which may lead to irritation or infection. Use common sense, and if it starts to feel uncomfortable, talk with your partner.

Pool Toys

There are a number of sex toys that are approved to use in the pool, tub, or stream. Dildos don’t have any electrical parts, so they are safe to be submerged. But there are also a number of water-proof vibrators available at your local or online sex shop. Some of them even look like cute tub toys or even rubber duckies. (you’ll never think of Sesame Street’s Ernie in the same way) Check them out and see what works best for you.

Check us out next week as we discuss the ugly side of making our bodies “beautiful.”

Sex 411: Guides to Getting Wet

Cosmo’s Aqua Kama Sutra (the book is even waterproof!)

Send Kim Rice and Ross Wantland your thoughts, questions or column suggestions to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com!

In looking back over our Doin’ It Well columns and brainstorming new ideas, it struck us that in all of our columns, we only mentioned love a handful of times. Maybe the idea that love and sex should go hand in hand makes us resist making that point. We’ve all had that drilled into our heads: “Sex is something you do with someone you love.” We may have wanted to give permission and validation to our readers that sex doesn’t always have to be about love, even within the most loving relationships.  It seems to be the only time sex is permitted or justified is when there is love (or baby makin’, as we discussed in a recent column).

But for people who are in love, sex can be a wonderful expression of that emotion. It can allow us to deeply connect with another person, allowing them to explore the sacred, intimate places of our body and soul. So, we thought it was time our sex column addressed love.

What’s the Connection?

When we love someone romantically, we often want to share every part of ourselves with them. We want them to know us fully. We want to feel safe, loved and nurtured. We want to know that we share a special bond with someone. Sex provides a wonderful opportunity to enhance this connection. It allows us to open up ourselves to another person and share with them the ecstasy (and vulnerability) of sexual pleasure. Plus, research suggests that the hormones released during sex enhance feelings of connection and closeness. So sex and love make a lot of sense together.

Love or Initmacy?

According to Sternberg’s theory of love, intimacy is one component of the triangle of passion, commitment and intimacy that encompasses “consummate love.” Deepening the intimacy factor within your relationship can have an effect on the kind of “love” you experience.

Going Deeper

We are often taught either the biological aspects of sex and reproduction (what goes where) or the explicit physical aspects of various sexual acts (ex. people like oral sex). Rarely, do we have a space to explore and talk about how sex feels emotionally - for yourself, your partner, and your relationship. If you are interested in deepening the connection between you and your partner via sex, you may want to try a few things.

Look Into My Eyes

Looking into each other’s eyes can be surprisingly personal, maybe even uncomfortable at first, because we may not be used to it.  Try sitting naked together, face to face and just gaze at each other. Once the initial laughter is out of the way, look deeply into your partner’s eyes and pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that arise in you. You may choose to share these reactions or just ponder them internally for yourself.  Looking directly into someone’s eyes and holding that gaze can be deeply intimate and connective. This also allows us to be more familiar with our partners and see them in a way that the daily hustle/bustle might not allow. Also, you can incorporate this into your lovemaking. You might slowly make love to each other with your eyes open, looking at each other the entire time. This can be an intense experience - one that some people really enjoy - while others may get wierded-out. There’s nothing wrong with either reaction; just pay attention and share what you want to with your partner.

More than “I Love You”

Saying “I love you” is good, but don’t stop there. Deepening intimacy and connection means sharing the deepest parts of ourselves with another - both physically and emotionally. If we feel as though we have to be the lover that we think our partner wants, we may not communicate fully with them our feelings, desires, or anxieties. Try sharing your worries or nervousness about sex with your partner or an insecurity you have. There’s no reason to do all this at once; it may be better to take it slowly. However, by exploring these vulnerabilities with each other, you can open yourselves up to knowing each other more intensely, which can lead to more intimate sex.

Sexual Communion

Some people feel that being sexual with another is a very spiritual experience. Think of other ways you’d like to deepen the meaning and connection with your partner. Some people explore aspects of tantric sex and learn that great sex can be more about the connection with their partner than increased orgasmic intensity or “lasting longer.” But you don’t have to be Sting to making love spiritually; being open and honest with each other - both in and out of the bedroom - is a major aspect to enjoying a loving sexual relationship.

Stay tuned next week as Doin’ It Well plays in the water!

Sex 411: The Meaning of Making Love

Explore what sex with this person means to you. Think about what you like about sharing sexual experiences with them, how it makes you feel and what your reactions are to your lovemaking. Share together with your partner.

Send Kim Rice and Ross Wantland your opinions, recipes, questions or column ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Many people state that they like it when their partners are vocal during sex, but sometimes talking explicitly with our partners is easier said than, well, said. Talking dirty can be an erotic aspect of foreplay that can intensify the whole sexual experience, including orgasm. But we might also feel pressure to “talk dirty” like we see in the movies. We thought it was about time we started talking about talking dirty.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

Some couples like to use talking to flirt or tease each other as in “Do you want me to touch you here?” Lowering your voice and asking “Do you like that?” can be very sexy. Also, some people like to hear compliments or reassurances about how attractive their partner finds them, how good they make them feel, etc. All of this can enhance communication, and therefore, sex!

Start out slowly. You could make a list of things you either want to say to express yourself during sex, or things you’d really like to hear.  Simply telling your partner that what they are doing feels good through words, moans, sighs, or other noises can be the first step in developing a more vocal sex life.

Nasty As You Wanna Be

Some individuals enjoy more graphic language during sex play. Some people like to hear what their partners are doing - or are about to do - in detail, with their partner describing the act out loud. For example, it can be a turn on to hear a verbal narrative as a partner performs oral sex - which can be a fun challenge as your mouth does double duty!

As with any sex act, what people like varies considerably from person to person and from each sexual experience to the next. Some people like hearing language like “cock” or being called names like “whore.”  Although we often think of men being more direct and using more derogatory names when talking dirty, some women find it thrilling to tell their partners exactly what to do, or calling them names, too. Whatever you like, check in beforehand to ensure it’s a turn on for both of you.

Delightfully Dirty or Downright Demeaning?

Sometimes hearing something that one person thinks is dirty and exciting can actually leave us feeling slimed and turned-off. Each of us gets to decide what turns us on. There may be some reasons why calling someone bad names might be a turn on for either partner. Maybe being a little bit “dirty” or “bad” is exciting. Maybe we’ve been told (by the media, for instance) that violent or degrading sex is sexy - that calling someone a whore is supposed to add excitement.  

Our partners may request we say things that we are not comfortable with. A request to “call me your little slut” might not feel good to us. Communicate openly with your partner and find out what turns them on about their request. It may be that they don’t view themselves as a slut at all, but want the fantasy of being very sexual. You shouldn’t need to say anything that will be a turn off to you just to please your partner. And just because your partner gets turned on by it doesn’t mean we have to hear it,. Great sex is about mutuality, not one-sided pleasure.

Talk dirty beforehand

Discuss ahead of time what things might be off limits, what you’d like to say, and what you’d like to hear. Nothing can kill the mood faster than someone asking you to talk dirty to them, saying something really graphic, and totally appalling them (and embarrassing yourself!). Ask your partner for examples of what they want to hear, and follow their lead with language. You can also negotiate a signal when one person crosses the line or goes too far, which can be easy to do when caught up in the moment.

Talk louder or Keep it down?

Sometimes one partner really wants to hear their partner moan or make noises. This can lead people to “perform” as a way to turn their partners on, or reassure them that they are a good lover. This can take away the pleasure if a partner doesn’t feel like they are loud or expressive enough, even though being quiet doesn’t necessarily indicate one’s arousal or enjoyment. Other people may be overly boisterous, which isn’t necessarily a turn-on for everyone either. Everyone is different when it comes to expressing themselves sexually - verbally or otherwise.

Break the Routine

Sometimes, sex lives can seem routine. If couples are consistently making love and whispering romantic words to each other or professing how much they care about each other, one or both partners may crave sex to look and feel differently. On the other hand, if your sex life sounds mostly like a porn video, you might be craving a more intimate, romantic approach. Talking with each other about your fantasies, exploring various sexual behaviors, scenes, and what you say verbally can open up new avenues for good, hot sex.

Sex 411

There are lots of ways to talk dirty with one another. Experiment with different genres to keep it interesting, but talk with your partner about the flavor of each sexual scene. If they’re in the mood for sweet-nothings and you’re in the mood to be called a dirty whore, talking can help you keep it hot and respectful.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are community members committed to sexuality education and sexual violence prevention. Check out past articles on their blog at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

Some of us may have heard the recent stats. At the national STD prevention conference held in March in Chicago, results from a recent study on STDs and young women conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention were presented.  The study revealed that an estimated 1 in 4 young women aged 14-19 were infected with one of the four most common STDs:  HPV, Chlamydia, herpes and trichomoniasis. A press release followed, alerting the media of the startling figures of STDs among our adolescent girls.

The study also addressed ways to intervene with young women during visits for birth control or emergency contraception to detect, treat and prevent STDs.  From a public health perspective this makes sense. This discussion helps medical professionals to test and treat those who are infected and pays attention to female sexuality and the sexual behavior of teenage girls, including STD rates. On the other hand, it seems most newsworthy when girls are revealed as being infected with STDs. This was the first study to look at STD rates in adolescent girls; the shock, it seems, is that American girls are sexual!

Suddenly, people seem surprised that teenagers are having sex.  But we’ve known for a long time that teens are sexual but are not getting the information and services they need to protect their health.

Boys on the Side?

Nowhere in the press release of this study were teenage boys mentioned. In fact, not one intervention designed at young men was outlined. Where are the girls getting the STDs from, exactly? Ignoring the role of sexual partners fails not only our girls, but our boys, too. Certainly other studies have provided information about rates of infection among boys, or of other specific populations for example gay men or women of color. But we consistently miss out on the opportunity to deal with these public health concerns within the larger context that allows them to continue.

When we look at pregnancy prevention, we often ignore the responsibility of men; contraception, then, is often considered a “woman’s issue.” Many clinics and health centers that dispense birth control require women to attend a birth control education class, or watch an informative video. While this is certainly worthwhile - we know that when a woman understands the method of contraception, it’s more effective - men aren’t required to learn about birth control or attend classes. Although it might be difficult to implement a birth control class for men, intervening with only half the population around STDs and pregnancy only addresses half the problem.

Imagine It

If we’re going to look at sexuality in a more complete way, we cannot just focus on the statistics and behaviors of one specific population. We need a comprehensive approach that views sexuality as normal and healthy and helps men, women and transgender people regardless of race or sexual orientation make healthy sexual decisions for themselves and their partners. How can we do this?

Imagine this:  What if we were more open with teenagers in our schools about sexuality and sexual behaviors and required that all young people be required to learn about pregnancy and STD prevention? We could provide STD screenings in schools and target young people who are sexually active with testing, treatment and condoms. We could provide sex education that takes sexuality and STDs seriously.  Condom use and other viable risk reduction strategies could actually become the accepted norm! 

We could require a reproductive health care visit for all adolescents by age 14, or better yet, recommend yearly reproductive health care visits for all teenagers. If testing isn’t indicated, education could take place. Routine reproductive healthcare could become as commonplace as dental care.

And we don’t have to start from scratch. We could actually model our sexuality education after countries like those in Europe that actually work: young people are taught that sexuality is a healthy, normal part of life. The outcome? Their youth start having sex at about the same time as US teens, but have fewer sexual partners and  lower rates of pregnancy, abortion and STDs.

Educated Youth Make Educated Decisions

If we expect to help our youth (& ourselves) live healthy sexual lives, we need to start interventions with all youth at earlier ages, instead of waiting for studies that reveal high rates of STDs. You can help!

Encourage your elected officials to oppose Title V Abstinence Only Until Marriage funding. Many states have already rejected these federal funds, knowing that the abstinence-only-until-marriage approach is not sex education but moral fantasy. Help make Illinois the next state to reject Title V! Take action at www.icah.org/policy.html     

We want to thank JM for pointing out that some women use the Instead or other menstruation cup during sex to keep it clean during sex. We did neglect to mention this cool alternative to tampons & pads. Thanks!

Sex 411: STD Risk Reduction

• Use condoms and latex barriers (for oral sex), every time with every partner
• Limit your number of sexual partners
• Choose to delay having sex
• Engage in other sexual behaviors that reduce fluid exchange or genital contact
• Get yourself and your partners tested for STDs
• If you have a chronic STD like herpes, talk to your partner(s) about risk reduction

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

So its that time of the month? Your “friend’s” in town? The curse? You’re on the rag? Niagara falls? We have all heard the jokes and comments about menstruation: the assertion that menstruation is an unnatural, undesired or unclean process.These messages can make women uncomfortable with their bodies and their menstrual cycle. In addition, women and their sexual partners often have a lot of questions about sex during menstruation. Doin’ It Well wanted to take a closer look at when Aunt Flo comes to visit the bedroom.  

What is menstruation?

The menstrual cycle is a natural, healthy process. In fact, this cycle is a pretty incredible story of growth and renewal. During the menstrual cycle - which lasts for about 28 days - hormonal changes encourage growth of the endometrial lining (the inside of the uterus) and a change in cervical fluid. In the middle of this cycle, an egg is released from the ovaries. During this time (ovulation), a woman is most fertile to become pregnant. After ovulation, if pregnancy does not occur, the endometrial lining will be expelled, known as a “period.” Menstrual blood, therefore, is nothing but the disintegrated egg and lining of the uterus. The woman’s body then begins the whole process again.  

During the menstrual cycle, changes in hormones can produce changes in a woman’s libido. Some women don’t feel like having sex, during their period. Some women, however, report increased arousal and desire for sex. This may also be because menstruation increases blood in the pelvic region, which might be experienced as stimulation.  

Sex on the Rag

Sex during menstruation is completely normal and can be safe. However, with all the messages we receive about menstruation being “unclean,” it isn’t surprising that women and their partners may have some anxiety about having solo or partner sex during their period. When Ross mentioned to a friend that he was writing about this topic, she said, “Ew, why would you talk about that?” But then added, “Not that I haven’t done it.” There is often a cultural context to these fears about menstruation; some religions and cultures (including the US-based culture!) may have formal or informal regulations about being sexually intimate with a woman during menstruation. At the same time, there are also many cultures that celebrate menstruation and have celebratory rights and rituals welcoming girls into womanhood.  

Although we frequently see the negatives about sex during menstruation (for instance, the potential for a mess during penetrative sex), there can also be some positives. Many women experience cramps during menstruation, and orgasm may help relieve some of that pain. In addition, both orgasm(s) and semen (if having unprotected sex with a male partner) can both produce the hormone prostaglandin, which may increase contractions that may speed up expulsion of menstrual blood. So some women report that having sex during menstruation actually shortens the length of her period. Also, menstrual fluid adds to a woman’s natural lubrication and can enhance sex.  

Safe Sex, Period.

Menstrual blood, can carry bacteria or viruses, like STDs, including HIV, which may increase the risk of transmission. For women with herpes, menstruation may cause a flare-up in symptoms, which can produce sores. Also, even though the risk of pregnancy is minimal, it isn’t impossible. So during menstruation, even though pregnancy is less likely, partners should still use birth control, condoms and latex dams to keep it safe. 

Keep It Clean

So how can we keep it a good, clean game? First off, sex doesn’t have to include vaginal penetration, so a woman (and/or her partner) could focus instead on other sexual behaviors. For example, a woman could insert a tampon, to decrease blood leaving her body, yet still enjoy clitoral or other external stimulation. Second, a towel or other cloth you don’t care about staining could be used while having sex. This will make it much easier to clean the bed, couch, floor, table, or wherever. Some women may prefer to bathe beforehand. But you could also move your play into the bathtub or shower and wash away those worries.  
 

Sex during menstruation should be the decision of the woman and her partner. Sometimes both partners like that during a women’s period, there is less “pressure” to have sex. And besides all of the taboo about the “curse,” some women may not want to deal with the potential mess or may just not be into sex during menstruation. The message that she is unclean, combined with cramps, may not help her feel very sexy. Also, partners may be uncomfortable about seeing blood, and probably have also heard that it is wrong. Remember, communicate with each other and respect boundaries. Having good information, knowing what we’re comfortable with and talking with our partners about how we feel about sex during menstruation can help to challenge taboos, allowing us to decide for ourselves the kind of sex we do or don’t want. 

Sex 411: For More About Menstruation

www.teenwire.com

McBride, K. 105 Ways to Celebrate Menstruation 

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Tell them what’s up at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com