Doin' It Well

Male masturbation (or hand-jobs) while accepted and normalized in many ways, is often not taken seriously. Jokes about jacking off,  hairy palms and going blind still abound. In addition,   we often assume that it is a very simple procedure, a means to an (orgasmic) end. Terms like "jerking off" make it seem quick, abrubt and awkward, but hand-jobs can be a vehicle for intimacy and connection - either solo or with a partner. Because we may not have a lot of language to talk about hand-jobs, Doin' It Well decided to explore hand-jobs and the genius behind the stroke.

Handy Information

The penis is much more than a shaft. In fact, there are a lot of important parts to the penis that relate to masturbation. The frenulum, or the front of the penis when it is erect, is one of the most sensitive parts. The urethra runs underneath the frenulum along the shaft of the penis, continuing through the scrotum and along the perineum (the area between the testicles and anus). During masturbation, most of the focus may be on the frenulum. However, the glans (or head), the scrotum/balls, the shaft, perineum and anus may also be sensitive and pleasurable. Like a cock-ring, some men may apply pressure to the base of their penis or scrotum to constrict blood flow and intensify orgasm, or to the perineum, which may externally stimulate the prostate.

During solo masturbation, men often grasp the shaft of their penis with their fingers (not fingertips) along the frenulum. The foreskin (extra skin along the shaft) provides some elasticity, which can allow the skin to glide back and forth over the glans during masturbation. Because the frenulum is sensitive and the foreskin is only so elastic, during un-lubed masturbation, a partner may want to lie beside or behind their partner to get a good grip. For lubed masturbation, though, the position of the hand isn't as important. Also, different areas may feel good to the touch at different stages of arousal.

Get a Grip

There are an infinite variety of techniques for male masturbation, and we present just a few here. Men can try these out solo, or invite a partner to experiment with different hand job styles. Either way, enjoy!

Anvil or Fists Up: Making sure the penis is well-lubed, make a fist with one hand. The "anvil" stroke is downward, gripping the head of the penis and moving down to the base. When the first hand hits the bottom, release it and repeat the downward stroke with the other hand. This creates a constant downward motion. For "fists up," do the same motion, but start at the base of the penis and make a continual upward stroke.

Perpetual Penetration: Much like the "anvil," but instead of gripping the head of the penis each time, let the head of the penis penetrate into the fist.

Two-Handed: Place both hands along the shaft of the penis, using both of them to stroke. Alternately, your hands can go different directions.

Human Cock-Ring: Use one hand to grip around the base of the penis and pull the skin tight. With the other hand, stimulate various parts of the penis, either with a stroke or applying pressure.

Climbing the Mountain: This is a progressive technique. Gently stroke the penis with one hand for several seconds, then make one quick up and down stroke. Return to gently stroking the penis for several seconds, then make two quick up and down strokes. Repeat and increase the strokes each time until orgasm.

Fire: Using two hands (and lots of lube), rub the penis between both hands like rubbing a stick to make a fire.

Practice makes perfect

Paying attention to your body during masturbation may be a new trick for men. Masturbation or hand-jobs may be a quick way to "get off," rather than a route to deeper intimacy with yourself or a partner. Don't get us wrong; there's nothing wrong with a quickie. But oftentimes, the focus becomes on the orgasm rather than the pleasurable sensations leading up to that. Slowing down, paying attention to your body and also, communicating what feels good to your partner can sometimes be a new (but exciting) challenge.

For men, it may be helpful to pay closer attention during solo masturbation. How do you hold your penis? What feels good and when? Also, what other parts of your body are sensitive? Since you only have two hands, where would you like another set of hands (or lips, or whatever) to be during masturbation? What would you like a partner to say to you? Reflecting on this and sharing it with a partner can liven up your solo and mutual masturbation and turn hand jobs into more than just "foreplay."

Stay tuned next week as we talk about the allure of the drunk hook-up.

Sex 411: Male Masturbation Resources

Joannides, P. Guide to Getting It On *

Giving and Receiving Erotic Massage (http://www.sexuality.org/erotmass.html)

Wiseman, J. Tricks to Please a Man

* Warning: This book is extremely hetero-focused.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are experts in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Send them questions and suggestions at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

In the past year that we have been co-authoring Doin' It Well, we have noticed some interesting things when people meet us and then learn that we write this column. Of course, both of us are always flattered when folks tell us they read our column or ask us if we are the people who write "that sex column in the Buzz." It makes us feel good to know that not only are people reading information about sexuality, but they actually enjoy what we have to say! Sometimes, though, something more interesting than praise follows in these discussions. We decided to reflect on this a bit more and offer our thoughts.

You write that column?

It's fun for us to be at social or work gatherings and talk to folks who read our column. Reactions are always very positive but range from people displaying bashfulness that they actually read our column to those who are really intrigued to meet someone who would actually write our column. Invariably, discussions turn to sex, and people start asking all sorts of questions. This highlights for us how sex, sexuality, and even sex education is still extremely taboo, yet people crave this information and conversation. It also says something about how our country has failed us in providing good, accurate sex education and a safe, inviting atmosphere in which to discuss this very normal and wonderful aspect of human existence.

Who's Doin' It Well? You're Doin' It Well!

While having a known sex columnist in the room usually opens the space for discussions about sex, sometimes only the column is needed. One reader told us about how he reads the column with his male co-workers over lunch. Another reader told us how her partner reads our column every week and starts discussions with her about it. Many students have said they have copied our column to use for class assignments, discussion groups or presentations. Therapists have written to us to say that they have given certain columns to clients they are working with. Some folks have even hung certain columns on their fridge as a reminder for them, and also for others, to read. (The Women's Sexual Bill of Rights was a popular one!) In many different ways, people are looking to start the conversation about sex, sexuality, sexual violence prevention and being sexually healthy.  

We love these stories because the fact that people are doing this is awesome! It shows us that with permission and good information, the ways we view and talk about sex can change for the better. We want to give a shout out to those of you who pass that on to others, giving them the freedom and space to talk openly about sex. In this way, our community is uniting to improve the sexual health and development of those around us. We write the column, but you should get credit for that!

Getting a feel for your audience

Sometimes, folks get so excited to talk about sex, they often forget about boundaries! Be sure to pay attention to nonverbal, body and social cues when discussing sexual topics with others. For example, while it's great that people are discussing our columns at work, some people may not appreciate these discussions. It's easy to check in and ask people if they are comfortable, and it can open up a whole other dialogue around sex and sexuality.

You can sometimes tell by the way someone reacts if they are cool with the discussion or not. One way might be to open with, "Did you see the Doin' It Well column this week?" If someone answers yes and starts talking, great! If they say no, it may be best to say, "It was an interesting column about sexuality and ..." and then move on to other topics.  Keep in mind how bringing up a sexual topic with someone may be perceived by them. They might think you are being salacious, harassing, or trying to hit on them. And that wouldn't be Doin' It Well.

Another tip: Save personal sexual information about yourself for your partner or close friends. Sometimes when the conversation gets going, it can be easy to get wrapped up in wanting to talk more freely about sex and sexuality. But boundaries are still in order.

From countering comments that send pro-rape messages, to inquiring about a partner's sexual needs to having more fun and playful sex, we're glad that each of you is committed to Doin' It Well. It takes a certain kind of person, perhaps, to write a sex column, but it also takes a certain kind of person to start a dialogue with others about these topics when they aren't a sex educator or sexual violence preventionist.  Keep Doin' It Well!

As always, check us out next week, faithful readers, as we discuss stroking styles.

Sex 411: Mark Your Calendars

Artists Against AIDS

April 24^th-27^th

Orpheum Children's Museum (downtown Champaign)

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are experts in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Send them your comments at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

It seems like throughout our lives those around us, especially our parents and other family members, tell us exactly when we can and cannot have sex. For example, most people receive a message that sex before "marriage" is wrong, teenage pregnancy is to be avoided and at very least, intercourse should be delayed for as long as possible.  On the other hand, once people do get married (at least straight folks), the pressure to have sex increases, although sex is usually referred to in code: "I want grandbabies!"

Unfortunately (or perhaps not), lesbian and gay couples may dodge some of this commentary.  Parents and family members of lesbian and gay couples rarely ask when the babies will be coming or apply pressure to carry on the family name. The assumption, instead, is that same-sex couples would not want to have children.

Babymaking Bullies?

Parents who may have never talked to their children about sex openly can suddenly put pressure on their children to have sex like bunnies, all in the name of reproduction. Suddenly, boundaries about sex, intimacy and relationships crumble, and a very private aspect of our lives seems appropriate for open, public discussion.  Parents (and other guilty parties) often have one track minds (babies), and don't always consider other important aspects of their children's personal relationship, such as intimacy, connection, financial considerations, career factors, housing and other issues that may affect their decision to try to conceive. 

We've witnessed first hand many instances of family members suggesting that it's the "right time" for a couple to produce a baby. And it's not just family members who are guilty. Sometimes friends ask others, "When will it be your turn?" or "Are you working on number two?"  From questions like "When will we be giving you a baby shower?" to the vague "I want one of those!" to the explicit "It's been three years, what are you waiting for?" It's amazing how - via a discussion of reproduction -  a couple's sex life is fair game for many to inquire about and give input. 

As we mentioned in our sex during pregnancy column, people don't seem to realize that asking these questions or making comments at work, in the supermarket, or at a party might just be uncomfortable to the receiver. Not everyone wants to welcome others "into their bedroom" to discuss the very private topic of baby making.

Is it here yet?

At the same time, comments that ask when the babies are coming, or put pressure on couples to reproduce also ignore the fact that a couple may have been trying for some time to get pregnant but have been unsuccessful. These couples may be struggling with the emotions of trying to get pregnant and the effects this may have on their relationship. They certainly don't need to answer questions from the peanut gallery about their every last attempt.

Reproduction Retorts

When we think about it, it might be fun to turn the tables of who feels uncomfortable and put in the spotlight. In this vein, we've come up with some comebacks folks might be able to use when asked personal and often inappropriate questions about their sex life.

"When you ask for babies, it puts a lot of pressure on my sex life with your son/daughter, which has been affecting our ability to actually enjoy sex. And if we don't want to have sex, we'll be less likely to have babies!"

"Ug, it seems like all we're doing these days is either having sex, thinking about having sex or planning when the next time we'll have sex is. It's fun, exciting and sometimes exhausting, but we'll keep you posted!"

"Oh man, the sex we had last night was amazing; we'll see!"

‘We actually haven't had sex in awhile because we've been pretty busy and stressed out. How's your sex life?"

"Wow, I wasn't prepared to talk about my sex life at this party, but others can share about theirs if they'd wish."

"I don't think talking about sex is appropriate dinner time conversation."

"Our sex life isn't focused on making a baby right now, but we'd be happy to talk about other aspects of it if you'd like to hear about that."

We're not convinced these tactics will actually work to stop the intrusive behavior of others, and it might give them an unwanted invitation to be more intrusive-like following up two weeks later to inquire about the results of a pregnancy test! A more direct approach of telling someone that you're uncomfortable when they make comments about baby making, and kindly asking them to stop may be a more effective solution.

Don't You Want a Baby?

We're not saying that the desire for babies to be around, for individuals to become parents, or to become grandparents is bad. It's perfectly normal. It does put a lot of pressure on couples, however. Keep in mind that you probably won't know the exact circumstances of any given couple, even if they are your best friends or family. They may have experienced miscarriages. They may be struggling with something in their relationship at the moment. They may have been trying to get pregnant for awhile but have been unsuccessful. Couples have their own pressures; they don't need us demanding they reproduce.

Please stay tuned to Doin' It Well next week as we toot our own horn!

Sex 411: Have you missed Doin' It Well?

Search past columns on our blog!

http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Email them your topic ideas!  buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Friday, March 7^th, 2008 marks International Women's Day. While this holiday may not be widely celebrated in this area (it is certainly no Casmir Pulaski day!), International Women's Day has a rich history. Originally formed as a day to recognize and value the role of women in struggling towards gender equity - and the vast gender inequities that still exist - this holiday provides a moment for all of us worldwide to examine the ways that women are treated in our community. In this spirit, Doin' It Well is taking a look this week at an issue currently being raised by students on the University of Illinois campus: the need for a campus women's center.

What's the issue?

Women's centers on campuses first appeared in the 1970's as a result of the women's movement, and hundreds of campuses across the nation already have women's centers. Like many cultural centers on college campuses, these were originally formed to address inequities that women were experiencing in their higher education. However, women's centers found themselves addressing much more than classroom discrimination. Sexual violence and harassment, LGBT rights, issues faced by women of color, international women, and pregnant students or mothers - all of these were issues that were (and are) central to women's lives on a college campus.

Currently, the University of Illinois is one of only four Big 10 schools that doesn't have a women's center. Several Illinois institutions, such as University of Illinois at Springfield and Western Illinois University, have impressive and active women's centers, yet the flagship institution does not. At the same time, female students have consistently had higher safety and discrimination concerns than men. A recent survey of freshman female engineering majors suggested that as many as 2/3^rds of them felt discriminated against in the classroom.

Addressing the Needs of All Women

Gender is an interesting identity, because women are members of almost every social identity. So unlike other organizing that may be facilitated because the targeted group members all live in the same space, women are everywhere. Because of this, a women's center must address the specific concerns of women of color, lesbian & bi women, trans folks, working class women, pregnant students and mothers. Quite literally (especially for pregnant women), these women's bodies are not given any (or enough) space on campus for those needs to be addressed.

What does a campus women center have to do with sexuality?

At a recent meeting about a women's center, one participant stated that he hoped a women's center would create one more safe space on campus where two women could hold hands with one another or express affection. In effect, he said, the rest of campus was not a safe space for lesbian and bi women to express affection for one another. The oppression of women and women's sexuality goes hand in hand.

By advocating for and succeeding with getting a women's center on campus, a space could be created  for women to discuss their sexuality safely and openly. A women's center can build this by providing a collection of resources on women's sexuality and pleasure, sexual health, and space for support groups for female sexuality, LGBT issues, and survivors of sexual violence. A space to focus on women itself can lead to an empowerment of women's sexual selves. 

What about the men's center?

A friend recently told us that the whole world is a men's center. Whereas that may not necessarily feel true for men, it is true that discussions about men's sexuality and pleasure (however unhelpful those may be) are regularly occurring. Certainly, a women's center would not only be a space for women; transgendered folks and men would be welcome and encouraged, but the dialogue would challenge the traditional ways these discussions occur.

A women's center wouldn't be just for women, but a place for women and men to gather, meet friends, and be themselves. A woman's center would create a safe place on campus for women and men to be able to discuss, learn about and advocate for women's issues, including sexuality, gender, and interpersonal violence and harassment. For men, a women's center can be a wonderful opportunity to explore their own gender and masculinity, and understand their own role in correcting gender inequity.

We all have a role to play in addressing gender inequity to work for a safer, healthier, and more pleasurable sexuality for everyone!

Speaking of healthy sexuality, check out the Sex Out Loud sexual health fair, 9am-3pm in Illini Union Room A on Wednesday, March 12^th! We'd also like to give a shout out to all our readers who attended our discussion on pornography; thank you for your thoughtful comments. Check us out next week as we look at the pressures behind baby making! Till then, keep Doin' It Well.

Sex 411: Come to the UIUC Women's Center "Grand Opening"

Anniversary Plaza, U of I Quad

International Women's Day

Friday, March 7^th from 9am-3pm

Students will be staffing a mock women's center on the Quad to raise awareness. A ribbon cutting and press conference will be held at noon. For more information or to get involved, e-mail uiucwomenscenter@gmail.com

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are experts in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Send them your fan mail at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com