Doin' It Well

Hi Doin' It Well,

This week I started to teach my class about Trans issues.. and they could not wrap their head around how being transgendered does NOT mean you're automatically gay. People don't realize that gender identity and sexual orientation are two different aspects of human sexuality.  Would you address this topic in your article?

- E 

************************

Dear E, 

These are very important issues for everyone to understand, so we're very excited that you're able to discuss the distinction in your class and that you wrote in to allow us to expand this discussion. Although we've had movies like TransAmerica or the French film Ma Vie en Rose which have humanized the experiences of transgender people, most of us have trouble understanding what transgender or "trans" means.  

Trans Terms

Transgender is a blanket term used to define when people's gender identity or performance differs from social expectations. This is generally defined as a continuum, ranging from individuals who occasionally engage in another gender performance to those who may live their lives fully as a different gender than assigned by society at birth, based on external genitals.  

Our society has determined that there are two genders (other societies recognize more than two): masculine/man and feminine/woman. Moreover, those two genders are assumed to be connected to biological sex. But our sense of gender can be different than our biological or physical sex. Gender and sex are two different things. For some people their feelings of their gender match their biological sex. For others it doesn't. And there are lots of people and scenarios in between.

Gender Bender

Gender often includes both the societal expectations that go along with being men or women, and the performance of that gender expression. Because all gender is a performance, everyone "puts on" or "proves" their gender every day. As a challenge, try not performing gender for one day. It can be very difficult to move outside of this binary. Gender expression includes the ways that people express either masculinity or femininity. It is assumed that men will express masculinity and women, femininity. While men can do things defined as feminine and women can do things defined as masculine, there are frequently social punishments for acting outside of our presumed gender.   In addition, gender, or our sense of being male or female, masculine or feminine, is different than sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation refers to who we are attracted to romantically, sexually and emotionally. Transgender folks can be straight, gay, bisexual, or lesbian. A person can be biologically a male, but present as a female and be attracted to women. The question often asked is: is this person heterosexual or lesbian? The answer is that there is no definitive answer, even though we often want one. Each person gets to decide for themselves how to categorize or label themselves. Others reject all labels and categorization. It is up to trans individuals and their partners to figure out what this may mean, if anything, for them and their relationships. 

A Two-Party System?

The real question: "Why do we want so badly to have distinct categories?" 

Many people may simply want clarification in an attempt to understand transgender issues. Keep in mind the continuum and wide range of gender performances and transgender identities. Here are some examples. 

Transvestite generally refers to straight men who wear women's clothing. Drag queens are males performing as women and drag kings are females performing as men for entertainment. Because drag shows are popular within the LGBT communities, people often assume these people are gay, lesbian, or bisexual. For many folks, including these individuals, the identity is one that they take on and off for a variety of reasons. Transsexual individuals, on the other hand, may choose to live their entire lives in a gender other than the one they were assigned. Although some transsexual individuals choose to go through hormonal or surgical sex reassignment, they might also express their true gender in ways other than surgery.  

The best way to know someone's gender identity and sexual orientation is to allow them to present them to you. When in doubt, ask! Making assumptions isn't helpful and neither is trying to categorize people into boxes with labels. Allow the individual to express themselves to you, and be respectful of the pronouns that they use to define themselves. Although many folks may use "he" or "she" to define themselves, some individuals may define themselves with gender neutral pronouns. Challenge yourself as to why you "need" to know their gender, and what that does for you.  

Next week, Doin' It Well will look at what a women's center would look like in C-U.  

Sex 411: Transgender Reading and Resources

Bornstein, K. My Gender Workbook

Green, J. Becoming a Visible Man

UIUC Office of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Resources, www.odos.uiuc.edu/lgbt  

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are experts in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Send your comments, questions, and fan mail to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Plenty of folks enjoy and find pleasure in anal sex. And while people may think that only gay men engage in anal play, about 25% of heterosexual adults have experimented with anal sex and so have lesbians and transgender folks, too.

The world of mainstream pornography however, tells us another story. In the spirit of reclaiming anal sex, Doin' It Well thinks we should examine the ways that anal sex in porn can be detrimental not only to the folks who consume it, but to all of our sexualities.

Backdoor Action

Anal action might sell because anal sex is taboo. But if we look closely at porn, we are being sold something more than taboo sex and fantasy. In the world of porn, most women like and want to be anally penetrated, often by more than one man at a time. While we don't have studies to prove it, based on our work with folks, we're pretty sure this isn't true. Male viewers may falsely believe that most women want anal sex (with enough coaxing), and can leave women feeling like there is something wrong with them if they don't like or want anal sex.

That's the tricky thing about porn. Taboo fantasies are not wrong. But mainstream porn is filled with misinformation and can normalize things that aren't really that common. In the absence of other resources on anal sex, this may lead people to believe that what they are watching is what sexuality should and does look like for most folks.

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

Some experts claim that it is ridiculous to presume that people don't know the difference between what they see on TV and what happens in real life. But both of us have seen and heard the opposite. We've heard questions, misinformation, confusion and people being dumbfounded by things they saw - and believed - due to porn. When in a safe space where we can ask people if they learned this misinformation from porn, men and women alike answer, "Yes! It's not true?" Considering that the average age of first time consumption of online pornography is 11 while at the same time, accurate sex education is missing in lots of schools, homes and churches, it's surprising we're managing to have good sex at all!

Lies My Porn Taught Me

One of the things porn misinforms us about anal sex is how it happens.  Pleasurable anal sex for either a man or woman is slow, involves lots of lube, and - particularly for first-timers - receiving partners should control the speed & depth of thrusting. Like any sex, good anal sex is consensual, safe, and partners check in with each other to ensure pleasure. That's not to say that seasoned folks don't like anal sex to be fast and deep. But mainstream porn, the porn that most folks watch, provides us with only one variation of anal sex: fast, hard, and violent.

Porn normalizes not only how often anal sex takes place but also tells us that anal sex is violent, not pleasurable. How should you treat your partner's body? Porn tells us that their "asshole" should be "packed, torn, ripped, slammed, and pounded until pink and puffy."  We're not making this up. If you rent a porn video or access porn online, check out the language they use to describe anal sex. How did anal pleasure turn into anal "torture?"  And what turns us on about rectums that are "blown out and in need of diapers?"  That is not hot sex and is not how anal sex actually happens in real life, at least not between caring, intimate partners who are concerned about mutual pleasure and good sex.

Taking Porn Seriously

Many men say they just watch porn for a laugh or simply to get off, that it doesn't affect their lives. But Kim has heard men say to her that because they want to give their partners enormous amounts of pleasure, they don't understand why their partners don't like anal sex. In some ways, this makes sense because the porn industry sells men the idea that this is what women (and gay men) enjoy, and it tells women that this is what they should enjoy and endure for their partner's pleasure.

The vast porn market is targets men, mostly marketed towards heterosexual men. What's interesting is that in pornography designed and produced for the female market by directors like Candida Royalle, anal sex is rarely shown, unless it is a "specialty" video about anal pleasure. Nowhere in mainstream pornography - which is produced by and marketed to straight men - is anal sex referred to as "pleasure." It's referred to as torture.

We can change this! We play a role in making sexuality and its natural expression wonderful for everyone, women and men alike. We can do this by taking porn seriously. Whether we challenge the porn industry by throwing out porn "collections" or making decisions about the porn we do consume, we can begin by choosing images that show people engaged in sexual acts that (at least) represent mutuality and pleasure.  

Pick Doin' It Well up next week as we explore the T in LGBT.

Sex 411: Examining Mainstream Porn

Find this column interesting? Kim & Ross will be discussing pornography more in depth during their presentation:
"Who Wants to Be a Porn Star?"

Feb. 25^th at 7pm

Room 112 Gregory Hall, 810 S. Wright St., Urbana

*Must be 18 years of age

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are experts in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Send them your comments, ideas, and questions to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Ross was recently engaged in a conversation with a group of young men. As the group was discussing why they thought some women flash their breasts at men during Mardi Gras, they became stumped as to why women would have different experiences with (and relation to) their bodies than men. Some of the men declared that they wouldn't have any qualms with getting naked anytime, regardless of reason. So why wouldn't women view their bodies the same way? For these men, it was difficult to imagine how women may think about their own bodies and sexuality in the world.  

Our society is a pretty interesting one, when you think about it. Women's bodies are frequently the pretty objects used to sell everything from beer to cars to social causes. (Check out some of the most recent breast cancer awareness ads for this!) So we are surrounded by images of female sexuality, yet many of us cannot say ... you know ... the v-word.  The hoo hoo. Down there. Vagina. As much as we like to think that we are open and honest about sexuality, we lack some of the basics. The Vagina Monologues has helped change that.  

Saying It

The Vagina Monologues was first performed by Eve Ensler in 1996 as a way to open up the discussion of women's sexuality. Interviewing over 200 women about the ways that they viewed their sexuality, their bodies, and of course their vaginas, The Vagina Monologues weaves together stories of both sexual pleasure and sexual pain - and everything in between. Some of the monologues tell touching stories about women discovering their vaginas, others recall painful messages women were told about their vaginas, while others talk about what a woman's vagina might wear.   

What began as a way to empower women's sexuality has grown into nationwide phenomenon, raising awareness (and money) about issues of women's sexuality. Women and men alike are interested in hearing about - or hearing from - women's vaginas.  

Changing the Script

Why would women and men want to hear these stories? They aren't the normal stories that we hear about women's sexuality. Rather than simple narratives, we hear about the difficulties and joys of some women's experiences. We hear about how difficult it may be to connect all the parts of our bodies together, especially in the face of a culture that wants to split women up into parts (breasts, ass, legs, etc.) for other people to consume and use for their pleasure and profit.  

Women and men have a sense that those stories are out there, but we don't usually have a chance to hear them. We may not speak with women in our lives about them, and we probably haven't asked our mothers what they think about their vaginas. But hearing these questions and stories discussed changes the way we think about women's sexuality & experiences.  

Penis Monologues & the V-Day Backlash

Since 1998, the Vagina Monologues have been part of a national campaign called V-Day, particularly focused on sexual violence against women. As Ensler began touring the play, women would stay afterwards to tell her story upon story of sexual violence. The sexual violence they experienced intimately shaped their relationship to their bodies and their vaginas. So Ensler developed the V-Day campaign to raise awareness of national and international violence against women, while also raising money for local, national, and international efforts. Since then, V-Day events have focused attention on both women's sexuality and the violence directed at them.  

Not everyone has been particularly happy about this. Christina Hoff-Summers, anti-feminist author, calls the Vagina Monologues "poisonously anti-male." In changing the ways we discuss women's sexuality, a backlash has risen up against the messages about women's experiences. In 2005, a group of college students sponsored The Penis Monologues on their campus and created P-Day, delivering "Penis Warrior" awards to men across campus.  

As Ensler herself once said about the concept, "It would be redundant, wouldn't it? We kind of live the penis monologues as far as I can tell."  In a culture with such widespread violence against women, we may want to be more thoughtful about how this violence hurts women and men alike.  The problem is not that there shouldn't be space for men to talk honestly about their penises and their sexuality, but those stories would be alongside, not in opposition to, the stories of women.  

Buy Local, Think Global

For the past several years, The Vagina Monologues have been performed in Champaign-Urbana. This year, the Vagina Monologues will be performed on February 22^nd and 23^rd. Proceeds will support the national V-Day Campaign and local efforts to eliminate violence against women.  

Stay tuned next week as we look at porn! 

Sex 411: When & Where

Vagina Monologues performances
Friday, February 22^nd at 7pm

Saturday, February 23^rd at 2pm & 7pm

All performances will be held at Lincoln Hall Theatre (702 S. Wright St., Urbana) 

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are experts in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Send them questions, comments, or ideas at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Lube is a great addition to sexual activity, yet not everyone considers using extra lubrication either when they are getting it on with themselves or with a partner. Some folks associate lubricant with anal sex. But there are a lot more uses for lubes than just anal penetration! Using extra lube can be a great way to experience new or different sensations during oral, vaginal, anal or solitary sex.  But there are a lot of lubes out there to choose from - and since asking the pharmacist at Walgreen's for their recommendation may not be comfortable for all folks - Doin' It Well is here to help you navigate the slippery waters of sexual lubricant.

Organic Lube

Saliva and vaginal secretions work well for lots of folks. Don't be afraid to spit on your hands before rubbing your partner or yourself, or to spread your own natural lubricant to other parts of your own, or your partner's body.

Water-Based

Water-based lubes have been the gold standard for many years. They wash up with water and are latex compatible. KY is the brand most folks recognize. KY and other companies have developed lubricants specifically for sex.

The down-side to water-based lubes is they can dry out. If this happens, add some saliva or water to get the slickness back. If that doesn't work, then add more lube.

In addition, there is a difference between water-based and water-soluble. Water soluble products may still contain oils, which break down latex.

Silicone

The newest sex lubes on the market are water-based but contain silicone to prevent them from drying out. These longer-lasting lubes can be used vaginally or rectally and may be a good option if you are having sex in water or if you find that water-based lubes dry up too quickly. It's not a good idea to use silicone lubes on silicone toys however, as the silicone in the lube gradually destroys the silicone in the toy.

Oils

Oil lubes are good for masturbation, when latex condoms, dental dams or gloves are not an issue (since oils destroy latex). Mineral, vegetable, olive and many other oils have been used for years by folks massaging their genitals. Lotions or creams however are designed to be absorbed into the skin and don't have as much staying power as oil. Females should not insert oils or Vaseline into the vagina, as it may coat the walls and lead to bacterial or yeast infections. Keep oils on the outside.

Unless you're in a monogamous, HIV-negative relationship, you should always use a condom. No oil lubes for anal, vaginal, or oral sex!

Warming lubes

These are the latest lubes to hit the market and are designed to add or increase sensation. Some folks find them numbing and uncomfortable. Others love the way they feel. Experiment for yourself! Remember that the warming feature will also be felt by your partner, so you may need to decide together if it's a lube that works for you both.

Climax Control Lubes

These lubes usually don't work to control ejaculation.  Despite their claims, these aren't recommended for the treatment of premature ejaculation, where the goal is to increase sensory awareness not to decrease it through numbing of the penis. These lubes can also cause numbing in your partner which may decrease their sensation and pleasure, too!

Oral

There are lots of flavored lubes out there but some of them don't taste so well. Ask a sex toy shop for their recommendations. Or, you may find that your own saliva or partner's natural lubrication tastes best.

Vaginal

Water-based or silicone lubes both work well but the consistency will vary from product to product. Try different products to see which one you like best. Lubes that contain glycerin tend to be slicker but can sometimes lead to yeast infections if used inside the vagina.

Anal

The tent scene in Brokeback Mountain made it look easy; a little spit is all it takes. But when it comes to anal sex in the real world, using lube is a must. Those more experienced with anal penetration may be comfortable with thinner water based lubes, but most folks will find more pleasure and ease with something thicker like Elbow Grease Water-Based or silicone lubes like Eros Power Cream. Don't be afraid to re-apply!

Lubes we absolutely DO NOT recommend are Anal-Eze or other lubes designed to numb the anus and rectum during anal sex. Feeling discomfort or pain during anal sex is an indication to slow down, add more lube or relax. Lubes that numb the butt interfere with this important part of anal sex and can increase the likelihood of tearing or injury to the rectum.

Shopping Around

Whereas water-based lubes are sold at most local pharmacies, mega-stores, and supermarkets, silicone lube, lotions, and oils may only be available at your local sex shop. Sex shops sell small "pillow" pouches of lube pretty cheaply so you can experiment with different types before investing in a whole bottle. When shopping for a good lube, read the package for its indications and how thick or long-lasting it will be. 

Finding the right lube will probably require some trial and error. Have fun exploring the different options that are out there!

Sex 411: Lube Tips

• Anal play requires lube, the thicker the better
• Lube containing glycerin may cause yeast infections if used in the vagina
• Don't use silicone lube on silicone toys.
• Use water-based (not water-soluble) lube

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. E-mail questions or topics for their column to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com