Doin’ It Well

Most toddlers begin touching their genitals for similar reasons that adolescents and adults do, because it feels good! Toddlers aren’t consciously “masturbating” in the same sense, though, and self stimulation can start out of curiosity, boredom or newly discovered access to their genitals.. But, our reactions as adults can be that of shock, confusion or disgust when we see a child “playing with themselves.” This week Doin’ It Well decided to play around with the topic of kids and masturbation.

It’s perfectly normal.

If a child is touching their genitals for exploration as they do their toes or belly button, most folks are fine with this. But seeing a child touch their genitals deliberately can shock us or others as we realize, perhaps for the first time, that the child is a sexual being. We may not be prepared to handle this behavior.

A child touching their “privates” is not harmful and is not an indicator that they will grow up to be a sex addict. Most kids masturbate! More harmful can be the way that adults react. If a child is shamed or punished for touching their genitals they may grow up with an association of negative feelings toward their genitals and sexual pleasure.

Head, Shoulders, Penis, Toes…

A first step in being able to react lovingly when your child touches themselves in public is to teach them the correct names for their anatomy. If penis, vulva, clitoris and vagina are not taboo words, it will be less of an issue to talk about that part of their body.  Let them know that curiosity about their body is healthy and OK!

Second, let your child know that some behaviors are done in private (like going to the bathroom). Kids will need to learn the dual message that their body is their own and they can touch any part of it, but that they cannot touch their penis in the middle of story time at daycare.

Talk To Trusted Adults

Perhaps the hardest part of addressing your child’s tendency to play with their genitals is addressing this behavior with necessary day care personnel, babysitters, family members or friends, so that your child receives a consistent, non-shaming message.  Remember that most kids touch their genitals; your child is not different! How open each child is and how frequently they “play with themselves” will vary. You may notice differences between different children you have; just as one child may obsess about turtles for a few months and another child may not. 

How to React

Consider kids playing with their genitals similar to them picking their nose; it makes us uncomfortable but their motivation might be boredom, curiosity, simply having a free hand or newly discovered access to their genitals because diapers are no longer hiding that part of their body. Sometimes the best response is to distract or ignore the child, especially if they are too young to understand what “privacy” means.

In addition to it feeling good, some children will use the pleasurable sensations from touching their genitals to self-sooth, similar to kids who suck their thumb or rub a blanket. If you are concerned with their need to self-sooth, pay attention to what may be causing your child distress, and see if there is anything that can be done to ease their discomfort. 

A child touching themselves is normal, but if a young child uses sexual words, is suddenly withdrawn, has difficulty sleeping or is imitating sexual acts it may be possible that they have been exposed to sexually explicit materials or abuse. If you suspect this, talk to your child and a mental health professional about the best ways to proceed.

From the Mouths of Moms

We caught up with a parent who had this to add about her four year old son’s self-pleasuring behavior, and how she and her husband addressed it:

We knew it was normal but it took an outsider’s reaction and my son feeling shamed and embarrassed for us to really think about how we were going to address it.  We explained to him that touching himself is fine but should be done in private, and talked to him about how it makes him feel.  Addressing the adult who reacted to his actions was very difficult, but the most difficult part was the heartache that it brought me to witness my son being exposed to someone else’s negative reaction. Thank you for educating people on a topic that I think is very important!

We’d like to send a huge thank you to “E” for her column suggestion and for being a wonderfully sex positive parent!

Reading children’s books that address anatomy and physiology for very young kids can help normalize all body parts, functions and behaviors and can open the door for future conversations.

Kim and Ross will still be writing over winter break! Send them a suggestion for their column at doinitwell@yahoo.com. Check out their blog at doinitwell.blog.com

We’ve spoken many times about the unrealistic body messages that women receive from the media and their peers. We’ve written about how porn gives us unrealistic ideas about how our genitals should look and behave. But men shouldn’t have worries about their bodies, right? Wrong. While the media portrays more realistic variations in men’s bodies, only a certain version of the penis – upright, hard, long – gets promoted. Doin’ It Well thought we might give the penis a long, hard stare.

Check It Out

Even though we weren’t supposed to be looking, we have learned from a variety of places what men’s penises should look like. There’s a misperception that because men had to shower in PE classes or use urinals next to one another, that they automatically have a sense of the diversity of penises. Although men may have been able to “sneak a peek,” checking out other men’s packages is a big no-no. So what are we left with? Self reports and porn. Famously most men tend to exaggerate their penis size when asked. Also, porn tends to show only a couple types of penises: long and longer .We are therefore left with few places from which to learn what “normal” penises look like.

How Do I Compare?

Consequently, many guys wonder how their junk compares to other men. A number of studies have attempted to figure out what is “average” for men’s penises throughout the world. Researchers have found that the average length (measured from the abdomen to the tip of the penis) of a flaccid penis is 3-4 inches, and the average length of an erect penis is 5-6 inches. Additionally, there tends to be a lot less variation in the length of erect penises than flaccid ones. This is important to know because research also shows that most men overestimate what they believe is average penis size and judge themselves against this incorrect measurement. In addition, studies have repeatedly found that size does not vary significantly from one ethnic group to another.

In addition to size, many men have a variety of curvatures in their erect penises. Some erect penises point down, forward, left, right, up, or some combination thereof.  If you want to check out a wide range of healthy, normal, and beautiful flaccid and erect penises, check out www.erectionphotos.com, a website with hundreds of penis pictures (in the name of research).

The Big Question

Many of men’s anxieties (just check your spam inbox if you don’t believe us) center around penis length. Pumps, herbal treatments, pills- they all claim  to increase the size of your Johnson. Not surprising when conversations about
John Homes, Ron Jeremy, and 14-inch erections were the subject of many young men’s awe. But, does size really matter?

The answer is not simply yes or no. In terms of physical pleasure -either yours or the pleasure your partner is able to experience during sex, the answer is no, unless we make it matter. There are countless sexual acts and countless variations to those acts to explore if a penis is too big or too small to be comfortable. In addition, there are also countless individual preferences that make it impossible to have the exact right “size” for all partners. Keep in mind, penis size doesn’t vary that much and if someone is focused on size, they may be losing sight of how to actually experience pleasure.

At the same time, our spam inbox shows us that size does “matter,” because we make it matter. When we make the big penis a symbol of virility, a good lover, and masculinity, then we might all begin to believe that it means these things in reality. We become fascinated by large penises in such a way that makes the long penis itself the object of fantasy – even if we wouldn’t even really enjoy having one in actuality. Penis size can also be used to emasculate or put men down, even though the facts don’t back this up (very few men have abnormally small penises). Penis put-downs are sex negative! Much more important than the penis are the people connected to those penises, their ability to care, laugh, and love.

If you have questions about your penis or the way it functions, talk to a healthcare provider. These questions are more common than you think!

Stay tuned till next week when we’ll say, “Suck it!”

Sex 411: A Long Look

Bordo, S. The Male Body: A New Look at Men in Public and Private

Cohen, J. The Penis Book

Moore, M. & de Costa, C. Dick: A User’s Guide

Paley, M. The Book of the Penis

Kim and Ross need to know you actually read this far. Send them an e-mail at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

We’re all probably familiar with sexual harassment as it relates to the workplace and school. In the workplace and school, the law requires employers (educators) to protect their employees (students) from sexual harassment.  In a social setting, however, it’s sometimes hard to know how to react to harassment. Also, getting support from others can sometimes be challenging. This week, DIW decided to re-visit the ever complicated nature of sexual harassment.

That’s Not What I Meant

Some people simply do not know what constitutes harassing behavior or how or why some comments make others feel uncomfortable. Examples of harassment include wolf whistles, leering, invading a person’s personal space (standing too close, rubbing against them), pulling on clothing (flipping up a skirt, tugging on a blouse), touching their breast, crotch, or butt, exposing yourself to someone, inappropriate gifts (lingerie), displaying sexually explicit materials, or making derogatory or sexual comments about women (including jokes). When these behaviors are unwanted or inappropriate, it’s harassment.

It’s Just a Joke

It can be hard to understand why these behaviors might make someone feel uncomfortable. Consistently we hear, “You can’t say anything anymore without offending someone” or “Sometimes a joke is just a joke and that’s all.” On the other hand, it isn’t rocket science to recognize when someone is uncomfortable and to use these and other behaviors to intimidate someone in the name of “flirting.” When someone sexually harasses another person they ignore the other person, their humanity or their right to go out without being harassed. And all these “little jokes” add up over time and create and sustain a culture in which it is then permissible for people to treat women however they want, including more increased forms of violence like physical and sexual assault.

Social Context

Because of policies that exist against harassment in the workplace and school, it can be more surprising to experience harassment in a social setting, where it’s still permitted and no clear policies exist to hold harassers accountable. Because of this, it’s up to all of us to ensure that we consistently work to eradicate harassment from our daily lives, and the lives of women we care about.

Recently, Kim was at a bar with a friend when a man grabbed her friend’s ass. Her friend told the man to get the f*ck away from her, and that he was lucky she didn’t call the police. The man’s response? “Can I buy you a drink?” After he continued harassing her, Kim’s friend threw a drink at him, got the attention of the bartender, explained the situation, and the man was thrown out. The women were actually surprised and impressed that the bartender had their backs (the harasser probably was, too).

When Kim and her friend discussed this situation, they didn’t see many choices. They decided that calling the police didn’t feel viable, and punching the guy in the face would undoubtedly get the women kicked out. They also considered leaving, but that felt like their punishment for his actions. This experience led to an interesting social experiment. Kim’s friend told several people at the bar that the man had grabbed her. Most people just shrugged it off. 

When harassment occurs, many people may see it as something they don’t have control over. Both men and women may see the behavior as something that should be “expected” in social settings. The harassment itself sometimes highlights how the harassers feel sure that nothing will be done about their behavior. They may know, on some level, they can get away with it.  But interestingly, many people are uncomfortable when this happens, but they may not feel like they’d have the group’s support to challenge it.

Harassment is not Flirting

Sometimes people hide behind “I was just flirting, lighten up.” Flirting is definitely fun and exciting, but it’s also a two-way street. Flirting is not using power or position over someone to get them to give a response you want. Flirting does not use intimidation; it’s a mutual expression of interest in interacting.

We all need to work together to hold harassers accountable and to stand up - instead of standing by - when harassment takes place. It can be difficult to know what to do, but numbers help! We should expect, rather than be surprised, that harassing behaviors won’t be tolerated. If more people band together to send a message like the bartender did of “not in my bar” or “not in my town,” we can ensure that our communities are safe and comfortable for all its citizens.

Check us out next week as we take a long look at penis envy.

Sex 411

Langelan, M.  Back Off! How To Confront And Stop Sexual Harassment and Harassers

Kim and Ross want to hear from you! Send them your questions or comments to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Recently, we were asked about tribadism, a term neither of us had heard before. Actually, this term is not as rare as our naïveté would suggest. Tribadism, or tribbing, is when two women rub their genitals against each others’ bodies for pleasure. Whether on top of the clothes or naked, this rubbing is part of many women’s sexual behavior – but you might not have known it had a name. Doin’ It Well decided we wanted to take a moment to explore the rub of rubbing, tribadism.

What the What?

Tribadism (pronounded trib-a-dism) comes from the Greek word tribein which means “to rub.”  But in early Greek and Latin, tribas was a term to describe women’s sexual behavior with other women, and later became tribade in European writings. In the minds of the early Greeks, a tribade was a sexually virile woman who could penetrate males - with an enlarged clitoris (or a strap-on). Long before there were concepts of lesbian and sexual orientation, men feared two women’s ability to be sexual without a man. Society has long feared what they don’t understand!

Currently, tribadism referred to two women rubbing their clits and vulvas together for sexual arousal and orgasm. However, it also refers to a woman rubbing her clit against her partner’s thigh, arm, stomach, pubic bone, breast, or any other part of her body for sexual arousal. Unlike frottage, which means rubbing against someone or something for sexual gratification (usually without their knowledge), tribadism specifically refers to this rubbing between two (or more) women. Tribadism is also referred to as scissoring, clit-clatting, and when fully clothed – dry humping.

Many women enjoy the sensation of rubbing themselves against their partner or having their partner rub against them, and there are many reasons why tribbing may be a nice mutually enjoyed activity. For starters, tribadism can take place clothed or unclothed, so it can be quick and easy. Also, tribadism allows for simultaneous orgasm, as each woman can control her own stimulation.  In addition, some women may be embarrassed or ashamed of their bodies and their sexual desires, and tribadism can be a way to move quickly from a hug to sexual stimulation that may allow partners to momentarily avoid thinking about those shame factors.

What’s It Look Like?

Tribadism can include a lot of different positions, from traditional, like missionary, to more involved, like scissoring. Because tribadism isn’t talked about much, it may be difficult to know exactly how to do it. Here are some basic positions to help your imagination.

Missionary position

Like it sounds, this position looks a lot like the heterosexual missionary position. One woman lies between the other woman’s legs, and places her weight on the bottom woman’s pubic bone. Both women can rock their hips to rub their clitorises together.

Crossed missionary position

Like the missionary position, one woman lies down while the other lies on top of her and straddles the lower woman’s thigh. Each woman can rub against the other’s thigh.

Scissors

In the scissors position, two women lie down with their legs “scissoring” their partner and their vulvas touching directly.  This position provides the most direct vulva/vulva contact, though partners aren’t as able to touch or kiss each other. This position can also be used with one partner kneeling above (dominant scissors).

Beach position

This is just one of any combination of ways for a woman to rub against her partner. The beach position looks not unlike spooning, and the woman on the outside can rub her clit against her partner’s tail bone or thigh. This could also be done on top of a partner laying on her stomach or standing up, though it might be difficult to find the right angle for stimulation.

Rub the
Right Way

Some women may orgasm from tribbing, but others require more direct clitoral stimulation. During tribbing, both partners control the intensity, pressure, and speed of the experience. If it doesn’t feel right, move around and find a position that is right for you. If you enjoy tribbing, but find it difficult to achieve orgasm, placing a vibrator between both partners can increase stimulation. Also, some women find the experience of tribbing exciting, while others may feel bruised and sore afterwards. Talk with your partner to find out what they enjoy, and where they might like to trib on you or have you trib on them.

If you’re tribbing clothed, you might want to think about wearing smooth clothes. For instance, silky underwear or pants might create less friction than jeans. If you’re naked, you might want to use plenty of lube to lessen the friction and increase the sensation. Also, there is still a risk of STD transmission during tribbing, so it’s a good idea to consider this risk during skin to skin genital contact. If you are unsure of your partner’s status, keeping your clothes on will eliminate this risk.

Check out Doin’ It Well next week as we explore sexual harrassment

Sex 411: Tribadism Resources

Bright, S. Susie Sexpert’s Lesbian Sex World

 
Kim Rice and Ross Wantland wait patiently for your questions and comments. Send them along to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com.