Doin’ It Well

Recently a friend of ours suggested that we write about abbreviations used in personal ads. Not surprisingly, there are a number of different codes used in online ads, some for soliciting sexual activity while others are used simply as descriptors. Of course, like us, most people can look these up online to determine their meaning, but Doin’ It Well thought we’d help our readers out by providing a cheat sheet for quick reference.

The Lingo

Sometimes, the abbreviations are ignored, especially if someone doesn’t know what they mean. If you’re in a chat room, and someone types “c2c,” you might google “c2c” online and think the person might be talking about rail train service to
London, or asking if you “care to chat.” If, however, they are looking for cam to cam action or cock to cock play, you might be caught off guard.  

In addition, there is pressure around being in the know with current lingo around sex.  So while most people know what a bj is (it’s OK if you don’t), 8C or bbw might be a little more elusive. And, depending on the context (sex chat room versus non-sexual chat), some acronyms might have different meanings. It can be difficult to stop and look something up if you are in the moment.  In the future, maybe Doin’ It Well should market a sex-chat mouse pad. In the meantime, feel free to post this list next to your computer!

Chat Away!

Here are some codes that are used pretty consistently on dating sites and personal ads.

123: have sex anally, vaginally and orally

420: smoke marijuana and have sex

athl: athletic

bb:  bareback (sex, usually anal, without a condom)

bbw-: big, beautiful woman

bf: boyfriend

bj: blow job

bttm: bottom

c: cock (ex. 8C= 8 inch penis)

c2c: cam to cam or cock to cock

Crystal: crystal meth

d/d or ddf: drug and disease free

discrete: sex that is kept secret, no strings attached

dl: down low, similar to discrete

dwm: dominant white male

ff: fuck friends

gf: girlfriend

gl: good looking

head: oral sex

hj: hand job

hwp-: height and weight proportionate

iso: in search of

j/o: jack off, masturbate together

l4: looking for

lkn: looking

ltr: long term relationship

m4m or, m2m: male for male, male to male

mbm: married black male

mwm: married white male

neg: HIV negative

NSA: no strings attached

pnp: party & play, sex with drugs, usually crystal meth

poz: HIV positive

r/t: real time, sex now, offline

smth: smooth or hairless

sub: submissive

vers: versatile (top or bottom for anal sex)

vgl: very good looking

ws: watersports (still confused? Read our Going for Gold column!)

For what it’s worth, we found that men seem to use more acronyms than women, especially on the men seeking men pages in personal ads. However, in online adult dating sites or sex chat rooms, acronyms are used by both males and females.

Let’s Chat

If entering a sex chat room, it’s helpful to not just know the abbreviated lingo, but to understand chat room etiquette. Usually, chat rooms will have an FAQ page to inform you of the rules before you enter.

If you’re new to sex chats, take some time beforehand to consider what you might like to say. Start by greeting folks when you enter the room. It is polite to take a few minutes to see what the conversation is about before jumping in. You probably won’t be received well if they are talking about a TV show and you ask who’d like an online sexual encounter. On the other hand, don’t lurk. If you enter a chat room, chat. Voyeurs (or lurkers) are sometimes viewed as creepy.

Really Talking

While being familiar with popular abbreviations used online may be helpful in navigating dating sites, don’t be afraid to ask for clarification if you aren’t sure of something. Language constantly changes and it can be difficult to stay on top of it. If you are chatting with someone online and you are not sure what they have in mind, get clarification. Later you’ll probably joke about what you thought they meant!

ISO

There are sites designed exclusively for dating, both casually and long term. And there are sites designed specifically for sex both online or in r/t (real time). Some sites have a mix of people with various motivations. If you don’t find what you’re looking for, keep searching!

Check us out next week as we talk about tribadism.

Sex 411: Read Between the Lines

PnP and/or BB might lead to other acronyms: HIV or STDs

PS: Play safe. Use condoms.

Kim and Ross are lkn for your questions & comments. Send them an e-mail at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com

Love for a Lifetime: Sex at 50, 60, and Beyond

Sex appears to be a market that young adults have cornered. Most of the sexual images we see in the mainstream media are of young or middle-aged adults. When we do see sexual images of older adults, they are labeled funny or disgusting. Except for the occasional Viagra commercial, what we mostly see is the lack of sexual representations of older adults. Apparently, grandma and grandpa are asexual.

Actually, many older adults are sexual. A recent study reported that 73% of people age 55-64, 53% of people age 65-74, and 26% of 75-85 year olds were sexually active in the past year. Although the ways sex looks may change over our lifespan, this doesn’t make it any less fun, pleasurable, or exciting. We wanted to take a look at how we can have great sex for a lifetime.

As We Age

Men’s and women’s bodies experience a variety of changes related to sexuality as we age. Around age 30, men begin to experience andropause, a decrease in testosterone, which generally occurs at a more gradual rate than menopause. As these hormones decrease, a man may experience some loss of sexual desire, and slower or softer erections. He may need increased (and sustained) stimulation to get and keep an erection, may have shorter orgasms, and have a longer refractory period before getting another erection.

For women, menopause is when the women’s ovaries produce less estrogen, which typically begins between age 45-55. Symptoms of menopause are different for every woman, but can include hot flashes, decreased vaginal lubrication, and loss of muscle tone and elasticity in the pelvic and vaginal area.  

As these changes happen, we may have a variety of emotional reactions. If all we’ve seen are images of young, traditionally beautiful people, we may feel disappointed if we don’t have a rock-hard erection or take longer getting wet. We might see our wrinkles or gray hairs as proof that we’re somehow less desirable. But everyone goes through these changes, and they don’t make us any less sexual at 60 than we were at 16.

Aging Gracefully (and Sexually)

Aging is a natural part of the life cycle, and we don’t have to fear losing our sexuality. Here are some of our tips for being sexual in older adulthood.

Communication

Aging can cause both emotional and physical changes in our bodies. Talking with our partners during these changes allow us to talk about what we want, and how we can do it. Additionally, using touch, discussing fantasies, and letting your partner know how you feel about them can build connection that helps both partners enjoy the experience more.

Stay healthy

Being healthy as we age although not always possible, impacts our sexual lives. If you have certain conditions or are taking medications that you think are interfering with your sex life, consult your health care provider. Also, sex is a great way to stay healthy; it burns calories, doesn’t have to be strenuous and can improve mood.   Kegel exercises which strengthen pelvic muscles in men and women can intensify pleasure and orgasm. Good sex as we age isn’t about pushing past discomfort or changes, but respecting these changes and finding new and creative ways of being sexual.

Lube up!

For women and men, ample lubrication helps protect skin that may be thinner due to aging and can make up for decreases in the body’s lubrication. Estrogen creams may also help create more vaginal lubrication for women. Lube can make sex more enjoyable at any age!

Be safe

Nearly half of people age 65 and older are single. Finding a partner and being sexual can be exciting and empowering. Although the risk of getting pregnant may have dramatically decreased, be sure to use latex barriers (like condoms). The risk of transmitting STD’s is still present, regardless of our age.

Stay positive & patient

Despite what the media shows us, changes we experience as we age doesn’t  mean we can’t have sex., But it may mean we have to redefine “sex” and what is sexy and desirable. Think outside the box beyond penetration. Be patient and accepting of bodily changes in both you and your partner. Remember that you are and deserve to be sexual and your current lifestyle may give you more time and freedom (from work or children) to enjoy this aspect of your life!  Consider that holding hands, romance, rubbing genitals, oral sex and mutual masturbation are all sexual behaviors.

Sex can help you stay healthy and live longer! Accepting and celebrating these changes can help make your sex life a new and exciting experience that will last a lifetime.

Check out Doin’ It Well next week as we get the 411 on chat room abbreviations.

Sex 411: Sex at Any Age

Block, J. Sex Over 50.

Good Sex for a Lifetime www.lifetime.bettersex.com

Price, J. Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty.

Westheimer, R. Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50.

Kim and Ross can’t wait to hear what you have to say. E-mail them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Since the release and success of Viagra for male erectile problems, pharmaceutical companies have been frantically searching for the next huge money maker: a drug that will improve women’s sex lives. Companies are looking to develop a medical treatment for Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD), which can include problems with desire, arousal and orgasm.  The goal of the products currently in development is to increase sexual desire, partly by engorging the genitals with blood, increasing genital “awareness,” with the hope that this increase in physical sensation would lead to an increase in desire for sex by women and intensify physical pleasure.

There’s certainly a market for the little pink pill. Problems with desire are the chief complaint of women and couples who access sex counseling or therapy, and it’s estimated that 43% of women suffer from sexual problems.  However, controversy exists over how we assess and measure supposed sexual problems and what is considered “normal.” In addition, questions abound about the medicalization of sexuality and using prescriptions to potentially “create” - and then cure - them.

Bigger Hurdles

Creating a female version of Viagra is more difficult than it was for men, partly because physical arousal for women doesn’t always equal increased desire or more sex. Medications are limited and don’t address the numerous other factors that affect our sexual functioning. This holds true for men, too, although there was little if any controversy about that when Viagra was in clinical trials. Even with the use of Viagra, men cannot always get erections. Simply put, sexual functioning is not solely mechanical for women or men.

What’s Good for Women?

Controversy around this issue prompted a group of psychologists, medical doctors, academics, and feminists to form the New View Campaign to “resist the pharmaceutical industry’s notion that sexual dissatisfaction is a ‘disease’ that needs to be treated with a drug.” According to their website, the New View Campaign believes that most of women’s sexual problems are due to cultural conditions, such as relationship issues, sexual abuse, poor sex education or stress from overwork.

Part of the concern around the creation of these drugs is the way they will be marketed. As with other medications, the pharmaceutical companies will highlight symptoms that may lead many people to believe they need a prescription. We can imagine how commercials might sound. ”Do you desire sex less often than you used to? Has your partner noticed you aren’t in the mood anymore? You may have a condition known as FSD, and help is now available.”  This can create feelings of inadequacy in women (and their partners), who may believe they need to be “fixed” when they were not previously bothered by their level of desire.

Quick Fix or Fixin’ for Failure?

Sometimes medical interventions do help and can be the least invasive solution to a sexual problem. Not everyone would choose “talk therapy” to address their sexual issues if obtaining medication from their doctor could help. As with many problems people face, there may be multiple solutions

It is true that decreased desire is often caused by non-physical factors or a combination of factors. Stress, fatigue and depression are examples of non-physical causes that can manifest in physical symptoms that affect sexual functioning. In addition, it’s a myth that women in general aren’t bothered by their lack of interest in sex or lack of pleasure they derive from having sex.

With a medical approach, something like a pill may be beneficial in increasing the physical desire for sex, which in some cases, might lead to more sex and pleasure. If a woman begins engaging in sex because of this, it can have a beneficial affect on depression (including perhaps the relationship, intimacy, and endorphins being released). Women may then feel better in general, leading to a natural increase in sexual desire. On the other hand, it may not have this affect at all, leaving women more stressed and upset over their sex lives.

A better cure

For both men and women, there is a desire by both those experiencing sexual problems and society to ensure that folks are functioning properly. Less attention is placed on examining why a person might be experiencing a problem to begin with, and examining all the factors involved that could be addressed without medication.  

We believe the answer lies in better sex education, and a society that supports positive sexuality for all people, all the time, not just when companies look to profit from it. New View put it best: “comprehensive sex education is key to a successful personal sexual life and a sexually successful society.”  We couldn’t agree more!

Stay tuned next week as we discuss sex after 50.

Sex 411 A New View Campaign

Learn more about the medicalization of female sexuality :

www.newviewcampaign.org

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland want to hear your views. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Straight Acting: Attractions, Fantasies, and Doing It

Kim & Ross,

Can you explore the context of sexuality and orientation in contrast with the things that cause and give people sexual pleasure (i.e. pornography that leans more to homosexual interactions but [a person] still feeling completely heterosexual in attractions). It was something that came up in a conversation I was having after seeing the program [you two facilitated] and I wanted to see how you guys would address it. The column is a really great conversationalist piece, thanks for being brave.

G

Dear G,

Thanks for your question! Exploring fantasy and sexual orientation can be a difficult subject, for a variety of reasons. For starters, we often like to hang onto the idea that sexual orientation fits into two (maybe three) categories: straight or gay/lesbian and sometimes, bisexual. If we believe in this binary and  we experience attractions outside of our self-defined sexual orientation, this may be difficult for us to grapple with or understand. In addition, homophobia (the fear of all things gay) and the way society treats certain sexual expressions can limit us all, whether in fantasy or real life.

Keeping Orientation Straight

As we’ve discussed in previous columns, Fritz Klein – working off of Albert Kinsey’s research – developed a framework for thinking about sexual orientation that broke it up into seven categories: sexual attraction, sexual fantasy, sexual behavior, emotional preference, social preference, lifestyle (heterosexual or homosexual), and self-identification. Three of these categories focus on the sexual aspect of sexual orientation, but it’s easy to see how one’s sexual fantasies become just one small aspect of orientation.

Although we may identify as straight, lesbian, bisexual, or gay, that may not fully describe our sexual behaviors or fantasies.  For example, a straight man might become aroused by gay porn. A lesbian may fantasize about men. A straight woman may find herself turned on by lesbian erotica. Because our sexual orientation is fluid, any one name probably doesn’t fully encompass our behaviors, attractions, or fantasies.

It’s interesting that at times, there is concern around these fantasies, and at other times we see them as completely normal. For instance, it’s “normal” for straight men to fantasize about lesbian sex, but some might think it is odd for straight women to fantasize about gay men having sex. And people probably would question it if a straight man got aroused thinking about or watching two men go at it sexually, even though any sexual scene has the potential to arouse us (even between animals!).

Because we live in a world that – as Homer Simpson says - “like [our] beer cold … and [our] homosexuals flaming,” there is a lot of pressure for individuals to identify with and stick to one sexual orientation label. This phenomenon, sometimes called “monosexism,” results in pressure to identify with one specific orientation, rather than seeing it as something that is usually fluid and dynamic. Bisexual folks (and pansexuals and omnisexuals) challenge this rigid idea of sexual orientation by acknowledging attraction and feelings for multiple genders. Additionally, homophobia pressures many people to deny sexual attraction they feel for the same sex, whether or not that is how they may define their sexual orientation. In all, it becomes difficult to accept our sexual identities for what they are, rather than as a result of the multiple pressures around us.

Fantasy Is as Fantasy Does

The reason fantasies are, in fact, fantasies is because they aren’t real. Fantasies are where we can explore things that we haven’t done or aren’t doing currently. One of the reasons that we may enjoy fantasies is specifically because they wouldn’t happen or because we don’t actually want them to happen in real life. In fantasies, we are in control of the situation; we may place our own ideas, feelings, and thoughts on them. Fantasies are a wonderful place to figure out what arouses us, and then allow us to think about whether we would like these experiences in real life.

Certainly fantasies have meaning, but sometimes we shut down before we let ourselves think about that. When there is shame or stigma around sexual feelings, we may have trouble letting ourselves enjoy our fantasies, and understand them. For some people, fantasy may be the first place where they begin to understand their own sexual identity and feelings. By opening ourselves up to our fantasies’ possible meaning, even if we would never want to enact them, we can learn what (and who) we like, what arouses us and what we don’t want to try out in our real lives. This expands they way we can experience our sexuality, giving us variety, safety and increased spaces for pleasure and enjoyment!

Sexuality Changes

Of course, we are not going to be the same people sexually when we’re 18 as we will be when we’re 80. Not only will our bodies change, but who we are attracted to, why we’re attracted to them, and what we may enjoy or fantasize about will all likely change. This isn’t simply about maturing, but also because we are constantly growing and understanding ourselves in new ways. It’s part of the wonderful process of sexuality, and we should welcome it.

Check us out next week as we swallow the little blue pill for women.

Sex 411: Enjoying Your Fantasy

• Allow yourself to think about what turns you on without shame
• Think about why that fantasy may feel sexy
• Think about why that fantasy may feel off-limits in real life

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are looking forward to your questions and comments. Send them to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or go to their blog at www.doinitwell.blog.com