Doin’ It Well

Love Bites: Sex & Biting

Recently, a reader asked us if we could discuss “biting” in our Doin’ It Well column. He explained that he had been with a woman who liked to bite, and thought it would be an interesting topic for our readers. Many people have experimented with sensual nibbling on a partner’s ear, nipples, or neck during sex play. Others, however, are into more intense biting behaviors, mixing pain with pleasure and perhaps adding issues of power and control to the sexual scene. Even the Kama Sutra addresses this sexual behavior. Because there are many reasons people like to bite and get bitten, we decided to sink our teeth into biting.

Love at First Bite

Physically, the sensation of being bitten can be different or more intense than other types of stimulation (like kissing or licking), and might therefore add to sexual arousal. Biting also feels differently depending on the body part; the lower lip, inner thigh, clitoris, lower back, penis, scrotum, shoulder and buttocks each feel differently when bitten.  Simply put, biting can feel good.

In addition, there can be emotional or psychological factors. Biting may feel animalistic and can elicit raw feelings of sexual arousal, desire and passion. Experiencing biting from a partner can be a turn on simply because it’s different than what you might be used to. When biting is used to inflict varying degrees of (consensual) pain, power is a part of the scene and can be a turn on for people. In this way, one person has to the power to give and to stop the pain/pleasure, teasing their partner who may have to then tell them how intensely they are feeling the sensation and ask them to continue or to stop the stimulation. 

Something to Chew On

Motivation of the biter may be important for the receiver. Is the person biting doing so to turn the other on and give pleasure, or are they biting because inflicting pain arouses them? Depending on the answer, receiving bites from a partner might be something you are into or not willing to try. Be sure to explore your reactions to being bitten and as always, only engage in what you are comfortable with. This may mean asking your partner what they like about biting or why they want to bite you. Both partners should focus on learning about their partner’s sexual desires, versus trying to shame or judge their behaviors. Just because one of you may not want to get bitten or bite them, doesn’t mean that person is wrong for being interested or turned on by those things.

Once Bitten

What do you do if you hook up with someone and they start biting you? For starters, you can say “OW!”  Of course it’s ideal when partners can talk about sexual behaviors ahead of time, but we all know that sitting down with someone you’ve recently met and saying “I like to bite, are you into that?” doesn’t always happen. More commonly, people start engaging in sexual activity, one person “tries” something and then gauges the response of their partner. Like any sexual behavior that a new partner might suggest or try, prepare how you will handle things you may not be immediately comfortable with. It can be helpful to consider phrases you will use, such as “Let’s slow down a minute” or by keeping it sexy yet direct “What is it you want to do to me?” Knowing their ideas will help you decide if it’s something you want to explore.

For biters, it’s important to take it slowly with a new partner – and ask first.  Start out with a light bite to a less sensitive part of the body and ask them if they are OK with it. Then increase the intensity, checking in with your partner along the way. Certainly not talking may add to the excitement, suspense, mystery and fun, but leaving a partner the next morning with a bad biting experience is not sexy, either.

Bite Marks

If you’re new to biting, keep in mind that it can leave a mark or bruise, so consider where you’re being bitten and re-direct your partner to a different part of your body if you don’t want the mark to be noticeable to others over the upcoming week.

Both biters and those bitten alike sometimes enjoy the marks left by biting. For biters, it may be a sense of leaving a reminder on their partner’s body. For those bitten, marks or bruises can be a nice memento of the enjoyed experience allowing them to re-live through fantasy an intense sexual experience.

True Blood

Sometimes biting can draw blood either intentionally or by accident. Remember that exposure to blood can increase your risk for HIV and Hepatitis (B, C). If you’re into biting, vampire or blood play, be sure you and your partners are tested for these infections and vaccinated against Hep B.

Thanks to KC for help with this column. Stay tuned next week as we address a reader question about fantasies.

Sex 411:  Healing a love bite

• Apply a cold or frozen compress to the area
• If skin has been broken, apply antiseptic, antibiotic ointment, and/or bandages to stop bleeding and avoid infection
• If you don’t like biting, you’re partner should respect that

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland like hearing from readers! Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Last month, a
California college student made headlines by auctioning off her virginity to help her pay for college. As she was quoted, “We live in a capitalist society. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?” The owner of the brothel where both the auction and consummation were to take place added, “Why lose it to some guy in the backseat of a Toyota when you can pay for your education?” Besides the vast economic pressures that might make having sex to pay for school the best option, Doin’ It Well wanted to also discuss the definitions and assumptions of virginity in our society.

A virgin is a person who has not had sexual (usually penile-vaginal) intercourse. Aside from clinical definitions of sexual inexperience, virginity is also a value-laden word that implies “purity”, “innocence” or being “untouched.” When virginity is discussed, the focus is on “saving,” “protecting,” and “cherishing” one’s virginity before eventually “giving” it to someone. With all these things tied to what it means to be a virgin and the high value placed on that, people can become confused about their sexual feelings and try to preserve a concept of purity at all costs. For example, we hear people say, “If I’m a virgin, I can’t get an STD.” Meanwhile, many virgins are engaging in oral and anal sex in an effort to protect themselves physically, spirituality and emotionally from the consequences of “losing their virginity.”

Am I a Virgin?

Virginity. Chastity. Purity. Abstinence. These words get tossed around, but it’s not clear what precisely they mean – although there is a lot of pressure to uphold them. In many ways, the focus on virginity narrows our views of sexuality, keeping it in a tight box, controlled and defined by others.

 If someone masturbates, are they pure? If two men perform oral sex on each other, are they virgins? If a straight couple makes love to each other without penetration, have they preserved virginity? If a young lesbian couple enjoys mutual masturbation, are they still virgins? In addition, because of the narrow definition of virginity, many women who have experienced sexual violence may no longer consider themselves virgins because the sex act, not their freely given choice, is what defines their virginity. This is the problem when a narrow definition is used to categorize and place value or worth on people based on their sexual behaviors.

A Million-Dollar Price Tag

Some people seemed shocked that a young woman might auction off her virginity, but we’re not that surprised, given the high value that is placed on sexual purity, particularly of women. This virginity auction is not the only example of the concept of “my virginity is a gift.” Reconstructive vaginal surgery, for instance, is an example of this, in which women go under the knife to re-create physical virginity, usually as a “gift” for her husband’s birthday or an anniversary. Along with this return to purity, some suggest a “second virginity” - abstaining from sex after one has already been sexually active, and reclaiming a “spiritual” virginity, because of course the physical one has already been “ruined.” 

Abstinence Ambivalence

We live in a culture that provides many different messages about sex. Sex is described as pure, disgusting, hot, dirty, passionate, and sacred. There is pressure to both be sexual and to deny one’s sexuality. There is an assumption and value placed on abstaining from sex – this is seen as the “right” and “normal” behavior. In addition, the freedom of sexual expression is granted only within the context of heterosexual marriage.  

However, what we know is that most individuals in late adolescence are engaging in some sexual behavior, either by themselves or with a partner. In fact, sexual behavior prior to marriage is the norm, not abstinence. Because these messages also don’t get applied to men and women equally, this also promotes a double-standard between men and women’s sexuality. Yet we continue to see messages that suggest we need a “return to purity” – a time that frankly has never existed.

What’s Wrong with Sex?

We often hear that people who choose not to have sex should be supported and their decisions celebrated. We wholeheartedly agree. At the same time, those who choose to be sexual in ways that are healthy, normal and feel good to them should be celebrated, too. A higher or lesser value shouldn’t be placed on the sexual decisions that people make. Instead focus should be paid to how we are developing sexually and whether or not that’s positive and healthy.

Each and every one of us – whether we are choosing to have sex or choosing to be abstinent – are sexual beings. Sexuality is an important aspect of our identities. And sexuality includes everything from our sexual behaviors to the ways in which we understand ourselves and our emotions. It is important that pressures to abstain don’t limit our abilities to develop into sexually healthy individuals and that we are free to choose to be or not to be sexually active for a variety of reasons that feel good to us, and not simply to meet some external expectation of what is “right,” “pure,” or “worthy.”

It’s time we place the highest value on what it means to be sexually healthy and to live within a sexually healthy society, and not simply rely on one word or concept to define our worth.

Check us out next week as we sink our teeth into biting.

Sex 411: Touching on Virginity

Blank, H. Virginity: The Untouched History

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland want to hear your rants & raves. Send questions or comments to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com

Recently, Doin’ It Well got the opportunity to sit down with Eli Clare to talk about his work. Eli identifies as a white, disabled, genderqueer writer and activist with a strong rabble-rousing streak, and he was on campus to give trainings on the treatment of and access for people with disabilities, LGBTQ people, and other socially marginalized groups. With so much to discuss for such a brief column, we began a conversation about sexuality and disability.

Having a Sexuality

According to Eli, the fundamental truth of sex and disability is that disabled people (except possibly the amputee/devotee community, which we will address in a later column) are not viewed as sexual. This is about socially constructed barriers, what he called ableism. Ableism places disabled people as having “abnormal” bodies, rather than showing people with disabilities as full human beings with their own worth. He said, “One of the themes in terms of ableism and disability is that disabled people’s bodies are seen as broken and need [to be] fixed.”  In his mind, this ableism and framing of disabled people as asexual happens through both attitudinal and material barriers.

Attitudes are the Real Disability

Eli told us, “Interview some disabled people and ask them about their dating lives. [They will say], ‘I go places and no one’s even looking at me, much less flirting with me, much less asking me out to coffee or a beer or much less asking me to stay the night.’” Although this may be truer for folks with apparent physical disabilities, even people with “hidden” disabilities, such as Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome, may receive this treatment once they disclose their condition. Suddenly, their potential partner may make judgments that this person would not be able to “keep up.” These attitudes follow disabled people every day, making them invisible, yet gawked at, and always assumed to be asexual.

Material World

At the same time, there are also vast material barriers for disabled people to grow as sexual beings. Eli brought up spinal cord injury patients who wake up in the hospital after an accident and their first question is “What about sex?” Eli asked, “So where do you learn about sex in your newly configured body?” The answer for many people with disabilities is no where. Information about their bodies and their sexuality is not provided, and these questions may even be shunned.

Eli brought up people living in nursing homes or using home health care, like a personal assistant (PA), for their daily tasks. As Eli said, “Try having a healthy, autonomous, freely chosen sex life in a nursing home. Not gonna happen.”  Because of the complex relationship between disabled people and their PA’s – who often bring sex negative attitudes with them - individuals who may need a PA to help them to participate in solo or partner sex, to plug in a vibrator, to position them, may not ask or may be afraid to ask for the assistance they need. Eli said this is especially true for LGBTQ disabled people, who may fear a homophobic response.

Public Image, Private Lives

With the lack of positive images and stories of disabled people, there clearly needs to be a diverse set of representations of people with disabilities, especially regarding sexuality. Yet Eli cautioned us against assuming that sexual images about your community are always good. “There are other [dominant cultural] images for other communities of people, but many of those images are degrading in one way or another and … they don’t convey a sense of depth and breadth that comes from within individual people and cultures.”

He spoke about the importance of erotica and porn in marginalized communities, even when made by people outside of the community. As Eli said, “There’s so much power in being able to see yourself reflected on a screen, to have a body that looks somewhat like yours up on a screen, however stylized or unrealistic that image might be.”

Rather than shutting down particular images, Eli calls for a wider array of images. Eli said, “The projection of erotic images – whether they be visual or auditory or written – are a way for communities to create compelling sexuality rather than have some version of sexuality, or lack thereof, foisted upon [them].”Because there is such limited representation, one image is seen as defining a community, rather than being just one image among many. As he says, “How can we create that plenty so any one image doesn’t have to bear the brunt of representation or education?”

By the interview’s end, Eli had given us a lot to think about, sexuality and disability, about sex and representation. Most importantly, he reiterated, “What I want to make sure that you’re aware of is that we’re talking about multiple barriers that have nothing to do with what an individual body’s sexual capacity is.” By recognizing the barriers put in place by society, we can begin to see where the real disability lies.

Stay tuned till next week as we discuss virginity.

Sex 411: Disability & Sex Resources

Sex & Disability http://sexuality.about.com/od/sex_and_disability 

Eli Clare www.eliclare.com

Kaufman, Silverberg, & Odette. (2003). The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability.

Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells, & Davies. (1996). The Sexual Politics of Disability.

Kim and Ross want to hear from you.  Send your questions or comments to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com

HIV/AIDS: Walking toward a cure…

Let’s review

HIV is the virus that causes AIDS. It is transmitted primarily by four fluids: breastmilk, blood, semen and vaginal secretions. It is highly preventable by blocking these fluids from entering our bodies through barriers like condoms, clean injection-drug needles, and of course, education.

For those who become infected with HIV, the virus begins replicating, infecting immune system cells, decreasing their ability to fight off other infections. As more cells become infected with HIV and the immune systems breaks down, those with HIV are less able to fight off infections that make them sick.

We’ve come so far

Major medical strides have been made in the treatment of HIV, slowing down the progression of disease in those infected. Currently, anti-HIV medications work to lessen the replication of the virus in the body, stalling the infection of new cells.  This keeps the immune system of those who are HIV-positive healthy.  In effect, HIV has become a manageable medical condition (for those who have access to healthcare treatment and medications), and the life expectancy and quality of life of folks who receive treatment has increased dramatically.

Hide & seek

The problem with current anti-HIV medications is that they decrease viral replication -keeping people healthy - but do not completely stop it. And HIV is smart. It hides in various cells throughout the body and lays dormant, giving the cell a “healthy” appearance to both the immune system and anti-HIV medications a person is taking. It doesn’t try to replicate in these cells so it can avoid detection by the immune system which helps target the medication to destroy HIV infected cells. Instead, it sits and waits. These hidden pockets of HIV cells are called reservoirs.

Current meds keep HIV at bay, but once the meds are stopped or interrupted for whatever reason, the dormant HIV comes out of hiding and starts replicating and infecting more cells.  Even if current medications never get interrupted, they are needed forever, have side effects, and are expensive. Also, HIV can mutate, becoming drug-resistant. This is why a cure is needed.

Come out, come out, wherever you are

New research is being done to figure out a way to tempt the hidden HIV-infected cells out of hiding and use the current medications we already have to destroy them.  The goal is to thereby eliminate all HIV-infected cells from a person’s body. This would be a cure.

Scientists have now discovered a key protein that allows the virus to hide. They are working on developing drugs that would inhibit this protein from hiding HIV from detection. These inhibitors are at least ten years away for use in humans, but HIV treatment would then be two-fold: HIV infected cells would be activated to “identify themselves” and before they are able to replicate and enter another cell, medications would eliminate them.  HIV could then be eradicated.

Until Then

HIV continues to infect 56,000 new people in the U.S. each year, and many of these people do not know they are infected. Yearly rates of infection have remained pretty consistent for the past 15 years: we need continuous efforts until a cure or preventative vaccine is developed to help prevent the spread of HIV, support those who are infected and in general, promote education and awareness.

Here’s How

As many of our readers know, the Greater Community AIDS Project (GCAP) is a local organization devoted to providing support services to people living with HIV/AIDS in our own backyard. There are still over 300 people living with HIV/AIDS in the ten-county area that GCAP serves, with new cases reported monthly.  And while medical advances have served us well, there are still people dying from AIDS-related illnesses in our communities.

Due to this, each year GCAP and Alpha Epsilon Phi sorority host an AIDS Walk to raise awareness and funds to support HIV/AIDS services locally. Mike Benner, outreach specialist for GCAP had this to say about the Walk:

“Our goal of the AIDS walk or any of our events is to remind people that HIV and AIDS continues to be a problem here in our own backyard.  There has been entirely too little information put out about HIV/AIDS in rural Illinois.  Our goal is to bring that point home.  Everyone who engages in sexual behavior can be at risk.  The only way to keep yourself from becoming infected is to play smart and be educated.  No matter what your behaviors may be, [sexual or otherwise] there are ways to reduce the most risky and lessen your chances of infection.”

We hope to see everyone out at the AIDS Walk on October 12^th!

Stick around for next week when we talk with poet and activist Eli Clare!

Sex 411 AIDS Walk October 12^th Illini Grove 11:15am

• Walk starts at 12 noon
• Bring $10 to get a t-shirt and support GCAP (not required)
• Help show our community that the war against HIV/AIDS is still on!

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland believe education & awareness can change lives. Email them your column suggestions: buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Developing sexually and experimenting with another person can be an exciting yet vulnerable experience. It feels good, yet we risk rejection.
We want to be liked, be loved. These feelings are scary and powerful. Making sense of it all is hard, and there may be few people to talk to as we work through this. If we’re pressured to have sex and we’re pressured not to, how does one decide? This week Doin’ It Well decided to take our readers on a journey – to see how sexual experimentation would look if sexuality was both healthy and expected.

Sexual experimentation - whether with our own bodies or with someone else - is one way we learn about ourselves sexually. Instead of focusing on all the things we shouldn’t be doing for fear of shame, punishment or negative consequences, we can consider all the options open to us that might have the most positive effect on our sense of self. Then we can make good choices, on our own terms, about if, when and with whom we might try things sexually, whether that is holding hands or engaging in penetrative sex.

It’s Perfectly Normal

Sexual feelings, desires and fantasies are completely normal. While there is no universal age when people begin having more intense sexual feelings, puberty is generally a time when our bodies begin to change, giving us the ability to reproduce.  Hormonal changes pave the way for increased sexual desire, attraction, arousal and interest in other people in a romantic and sexual way. 

Discovering, exploring and becoming comfortable with their developing body is usually the way most people first experiment sexually. From this, they can discover what turns them on, how their body responds, what they like, and what they don’t like. In addition, they can discover what their thoughts, feelings and reactions are to their body and its response.

A Dual Experiment

Having an interest in experimenting sexually with someone else is also part of sexual development. This could include holding hands, kissing, looking at their body and showing them yours, talking or texting about sexuality, or mutual masturbation. Here are some ideas to help sexual experimentation be as pleasurable as possible.

Make sure it’s on your terms

Do only what you want. Society sends us lots of messages about how to “be” sexually. We’re told we should postpone any and all thoughts and behaviors until we’re older but are also told that we should be sexual at very young ages. Consider these messages and decide for yourself! Tune in to your own thoughts, ideas and beliefs: ”Do I want to engage in this behavior because I think I should or because I want to?”

No one develops at the same rate, in the same way or with the same experiences. We all have to make decisions about what feels best to us, what we want to experience, and what we don’t want to experience. It’s important to honor our own sexual development while also respecting others’ different decisions.

Build trust and respect.

If we view sexuality and its expression as normal and healthy, we also have to think twice about spreading sexual rumors, calling people bad names for being sexual, making jokes about others’ sexuality as a way to put them down, or sharing private information about people’s sexuality. To do this, we would build a community that was truly sex positive for everyone, not just certain people. This means we value everyone’s choices around their sexual development, not simply those who choose to “wait” or those who choose to “just do it.” It would mean there would be more options than just an all-or-nothing approach.

Feel it!

Sometimes we may numb out potential positive feelings with drugs or alcohol. Staying sober and in the moment can help us know what we like (or don’t). If sexual experimentation does not feel good, then it’s most likely not the right time, the right partner, the right environment, the right relationship or the right behavior. Things may feel physically wonderful but emotionally stressful  - or emotionally great but physically less great! Check-in with yourself and your partner to help your sexual experimentation feel really good for each of you!

Don’t get boxed in

If sexual experimentation is normalized for everyone (both males and females), then we can begin to respect and celebrate sexuality. Rather than shaming people who experiment, or having different standards for who can say “yes” and who should say “no,” we can start respecting each other as sexual beings, all struggling during the coming of age years to figure out who we are as sexual people.

Be proud!

This can be hard in an environment that sends us mixed messages about sexuality. We need to reclaim our sexuality and view it as something to be proud of! Although it may seem easier said than done, we should be proud of our choices, whatever they are. 

Check us out next week as we look for a cure for AIDS.

Sex 411: Eli Clare Coming to Campus!

Gawking, Gaping, Staring: Living in Marked Bodies
7pm, October 9, 2008
U of I ARC Auditorium, 201 E. Peabody Dr., Champaign

 Eli Clare weaves hope, critical analysis, and compassionate storytelling together in his work on disability and queerness, insisting on the twine of race, class, gender, sexuality, and disability.

Kim & Ross would like to thank their readers for all the thoughtful topic suggestions! To send them an idea, email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com