Doin’ It Well

Often, we hear that men were thinking with the “wrong head.” Not their true brain, but the one attached lower on their bodies, located somewhere in their pants. When people say this, they usually mean that the man had sexual desires and acted upon them in some way. Perhaps this means that he talked with someone he was attracted to, or maybe he had sex with someone, or maybe he stared at someone’s body. Usually it implies that he made a poor sexual or romantic decision, but is somehow absolved of this due to his “other brain.”

Whatever “thoughts” a man’s penis is blamed for, there is really only one thing ever on its mind - sex. How does blaming their sexual feelings upon one part of their body affect men? Doin’ It Well wanted to look more closely at the penis-brain and the ways this impacts men, women, and all of our sexualities.

It Wasn’t Me!

One of the functions of talking about male sexuality as being somehow separate from the regular man is that it allows men to distance themselves from their sexual desires. Sometimes men will tell their partners that they can’t help themselves, are just “too turned-on,” or worse - that the other person actually turned them on. When men are sexually aroused, they can say that it has more to do with some natural instinct rather than who they are, what they like, and what exactly they are finding attractive at the moment. Additionally, the “little head” gets the rap for much of men’s sexual improprieties, such as rape or street harassment. Men then get a lot of societal freedom to do what they please with their sexual desires - because in the end these desires are not seen as connected to who they are or within their control.

For women, on the other hand, their sexual desires and choices are always seen as very connected to who they are - and usually not in good ways. As Ludacris says, “I want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed.” Women are expected to navigate this very narrow definition, sexy but not too sexy, virginal but a little slutty, Madonna and whore. Whether she is viewed as too sexy or not sexy enough, her sexual behaviors are intimately connected to who she is as a person. She doesn’t get the option to “think with her clit.”

The Downside to Cock-Thought

Men’s sexuality gets disowned in many different ways. Sometimes, men will describe sexual activities that they have with women and then continue to describe her as a whore for participating with him. If you watch porn, next time check out how porn describes the women and the behaviors that women are participating in, and notice how the men - who are also participating and are often the ones “doing” the act - are left out of the equation. Men are not “whores” for also participating, but the woman is marked for “allowing” him to sully her in that way. This virgin/whore split - then - also impairs the relationships that men may allow themselves to have with women because if she lets him have sex with her, he believes it means something more about her than it does about him.

At the same time, male sexuality is filled with expectations to fulfill. In fact, many men will say that they’ve had sex when they didn’t want to; they don’t mean that they have been physically coerced into having sex. They mean that they felt like they should have sex, so they did, even if part of them didn’t want to. When our sexuality isn’t seen as our own, then we may not feel like we can make our own decisions. Instead, our behaviors and choices are dictated by social pressures of how our sexuality should look.  Men may be upset when their penis doesn’t cooperate, while also lacking the understanding or support to realize that they might not want to have sex!

A Sex of His Own

When men’s sexuality gets framed as “savage” or “uncontrollable,” and not a part of the whole man, it doesn’t just allow men to ignore the consequences of their sexual actions; it also takes a valuable aspect of our sexuality away from us all. For men or partners of men, think about what it would be like to have a sexuality that was entirely your own, connected and attached to you. This isn’t easy, because it will mean actually paying attention to our bodies and even thinking (gasp!) about what we like, want, or do. But at the same time, connecting men’s sexuality with men’s selves allows for a more integrated sexuality for men and their partners to enjoy.  

Send Us Your Sex Questions & Column Ideas!

Doin’ It Well needs your ideas for our upcoming columns. Got a burning question? Have an idea about what we should write about? We want to hear from you. Drop us a line at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com. 

Sex 411: Thinking for Yourself

Zilbergeld, B. The New Male Sexuality

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Last week Doin’ It Well compared the sex most people have with the media representations of sexual activity. If we believe what we see and read, it seems like everyone everywhere is having all sorts of sex, all the time. At the same time, we know that the most frequent complaint of those seeking sex therapy services is “low sexual desire.” But what does this mean? Low desire compared to whom? A partner? Media representations of how often people think about and engage in sex? Porn stars? Friends?

Not Enough or Too Much?

Levels of sexual desire are in many ways socially constructed. Given the constant inundation of sexual messages we receive, it’s hard to have an objective reality of how much sex is “enough.” Because of this, people often ask, “How often should we be having sex?”  Unfortunately, there are no clear cut answers, and as you can imagine, it depends on the person, their relationship, and life circumstances. Unfortunately, both men and women who fall below this arbitrary level of desire are sometimes accused of being a prude, rigid, controlling, not attracted to their partners, or even cheating on them.

Recently, a sex “expert’ on a talk show authoritatively placed (his own arbitrary) figures on how much sex was enough and how much was too much. Remember that sexual issues, particularly sexual desire, are very complex.  The best person to serve as an expert on how much sex is too little, too much or just enough is you!

Simply put, sexual desire is the motivational factors that lead people to seek sexual activity. Partners often enter relationships believing that their levels of sexual desire will always match. This doesn’t usually happen - especially the longer the relationship endures. A person’s sexual desire ebbs and flows throughout their lives. The not-so-simple side of sexual desire is that lots of factors influence our sex seeking behaviors.

Why So Low?

Low sexual desire is defined as a decrease in or complete absence of sexual fantasies, thoughts and desire to engage in sexual activity either with a partner or alone.

For both men and women, things such as relationship and intimacy satisfaction, aging, stress, fatigue, sexual dysfunctions (or worries about them), sexual satisfaction, psychological factors like anxiety or depression ,the medications used to treat them, or other medical issues can all affect levels of sexual desire.

When determining low desire, it’s important to look at how much distress it causes the individual and their relationship.  All people have varying levels of desire and often in relationships the problem is not low desire, but a desire discrepancy between partners that is causing strain; one person wants sex when the other doesn’t.  

In long term relationships, sexual desire can wax and wane. This doesn’t mean that a relationship is doomed. At the same time, relationship problems - especially in long term commitments - can decrease our desire for sexual intimacy with our partners.

Wanting to Want

People who experience low sexual desire often state “I want to want to have sex, but I don’t.” To examine and address low desire,  couples first have to tease out all the possible factors that are influencing it, and try to make them better. For example, if a person is not sexually satisfied because they are not experiencing orgasm consistently, it makes sense that they might not desire sex. Or, a person may be confused because they are no longer driven to seek sex based on spontaneous feelings of being “horny” (which usually subsides with age and time).

In addition, the factors that influence the desire for sex may look different for men and women. Research shows that women may not seek sex due to a physiological sense of sexual hunger, but may be more influenced by relationship factors not directly associated with sex. At the same time, men may experience low desire based on a number of factors, but feel pressured to have or initiate sex to prove love and attraction to their partners.

Usually both partners have a role in one partner’s “low desire” and so both play a part in addressing the problem. Increasing communication, emotional intimacy, and erotic stimulation (including non-genital sexual touching) can all help build a sex life that is satisfying to both partners, while understanding that it is OK if one person wants sex more or less often than the other. Redefining sex to include all forms of sexual intimacy can broaden a couple’s approach to what “sex” is, and how often they engage in it.

Sex 411: Desiring Support?

A sex therapist can help couples explore issues that feel most salient to their relationship and sexual response.  This can deepen their understanding of their own and their partner’s sexuality, allowing them to more fully enjoy their sex lives, whether or not that leads to an increase in the frequency of sex. Check out http://www.aasect.org/ to find a sex therapist in your area.

Stay tuned to Doin’ It Well next week as we look at how men think about sex.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. They love when readers suggest topics for their column! Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Maxim says it’s not hot enough. Cosmo promises 10 ways to drive your man wild. Men’s Health tells you what women really want in bed. . Most magazines feature articles telling you (at least those of you who are straight) how to do it better, implying that the sex you currently have isn’t good enough. It seems like everyone has something to say about your sex life, including Doin’ It Well.!

The challenge becomes sorting through all those messages to have the sex that you want while also realizing that most people do not have, on a regular basis, the great, amazing, mind-blowing sex that the media portrays and promises. How can we value the good sex we are having, without pressuring ourselves into attempting the “great” sex that we’re being promised?

Performance Anxiety

There’s a lot of truth to the term “sexual performance.” But when women or men worry about how they’re performing sexually, it isn’t usually for them personally, but for how they believe their partner(s) want them to behave. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to perform well sexually, but in the act of performing, sex becomes about the act, appearance and the outcome, rather than the emotions, sensations, and pleasure..

Sex Shows

As we’ve mentioned in previous columns, some of our ideas about how sex should look or feel comes from our peers, families, and sexual partners, but a whole bunch of those ideas come from the media outlets around us. Whether in box-office movies or pornography, we see sex defined as penetrative, with very little communication between partners, generally heterosexual, and between two “attractive” people. These can give us an opportunity to see what sex could look like, but it doesn’t necessarily represent the kind of sex most people are having or actually enjoy.

Men and women are portrayed sexually in very specific ways in the media. The man is both stoic and in charge. He’s not expected to scream, moan, or flail about in the throes of orgasm; he does it and supposedly creates pleasure in his sexual partner. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be coy, but sexually experienced and expressive, enjoying whatever the man wants to do to them. We don’t see many examples of women describing to their partners what they would enjoy sexually. As you might imagine, this leaves real women and men comparing themselves to sex that doesn’t look very much like the sex they are actually having. If the movies are the “real” performance, then the sex that real people have may feel more like the blooper reel. In addition, LGBT folks have very few outlets from which to learn what good sex looks like, and many of the same gender stereotypes (and unrealistic and unhealthy sex) are portrayed in queer porn.

Good Enough

Part of the challenge is to sift through these messages to enjoy the real sex we are having, instead of trying to always make it “better.” This may feel more vulnerable; sometimes focusing on sexual performance is a convenient way to avoid true intimacy. Feeling free to explore what feels good and be real with our sexual partners can be scary at first, but it also opens up a whole new world of “good enough” sex, without fear about fitting a certain physical or sexual standard, and instead, having fun.

Because we’ve been told so much about how our sexual lives should look, this can take some time. Give yourself permission to explore your sexuality slowly, figuring out what good sex looks like for you-what things you would like to experience or explore. Don’t dismiss your ideas if they don’t match what you’ve been told good sex “should be” or “could be.”

Communication

Your partner is also a product of the same forces that have told you how sex should look. Talking together about the pressures to have “mind-blowing” sex can be a good way to build intimacy and celebrate the good sex that you are having.

Talking with your sexual partner is an important step, but it may also shake up your partner’s ideas for what sex should look like, too. For example, Ross worked with a college man who confessed that he began trying to communicate more with his partner about sex. His girlfriend, frustrated, asked him to “Just do it!” Her frustration may have been at his struggles to communicate in ways that didn’t “ruin the mood,” but it also challenged the ways they had previously had sex. She didn’t want to have to talk about what she liked; it was more comfortable for her if they both just assumed their roles as sexual performers.

Be patient with each other as you explore and celebrate the good sex you have.

Remember, good enough sex can be really, really good. Don’t let anyone, not even Doin’ It Well, tell you that the sex that you’re having isn’t good enough. In fact, it’s probably great.

Stay tuned next week as Doin’ It Well explores low sexual desire.

Sex 411: Enjoying the sex you have

Klein, M. (2002) Beyond Orgasm: Dare to be Honest About the Sex You Really Want

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Chocolate covered strawberries, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, peanut butter… food has always held an erotic connection to sexual pleasure. Perhaps feeling satisfied in one area (mouth) leads to satisfaction in another. Or it may be that attending to the sense of taste and the sweet enjoyment of certain foods leads to arousal of other senses, awakening our desire for further things that we experience as pleasurable.

It’s like an orgasm in my mouth…

The taste of food can provide great amounts of pleasure as anyone who has ever uttered the above expression can attest. Food and sex are similar: we need them to survive, but we also just plain enjoy them. We need food to live, but we also derive much pleasure from eating certain treats. Sex may be necessary for reproduction, but the act of sex can provide sensations of bliss and satiety.

For a variety of reasons, many people use food as a way to enhance romance and add variety and excitement to their sex play. It’s flirtatious, romantic, and has a sexual connotation. Additionally, the ecstatic moans when tasting something delicious may sound similar to sexual groaning and pleasure.  Whatever your taste, below are some things to sample and some things to avoid!

In or Out?

Consider using honey, whipped cream, chocolate or caramel sauce on the breasts, belly, back, thighs, fingers, testicles, penis, legs, feet and toes. There’s plenty of body space to explore, while also keeping food away from the vagina and anus.

Food that contains sugar can throw off the PH balance of the vagina, which can lead to yeast infections in women.  In addition, cucumbers were not designed for the rectum. How do we know? They don’t have a flared base (for easy removal) like butt plugs do. Avoid an embarrassing trip to Carle’s emergency department:  if you want to insert something, buy a sex toy!

Also, the oils contained in food products like peanut butter or chocolate sauce can break down the latex of a condom or other latex barrier. While it may be fun to drizzle chocolate over your lover’s penis, make sure you do a good job licking it all off before putting the condom on. Or, if you’re using a product with oil as a way to enhance oral sex with a condom, simply use a new condom when you penetrate.

Succulent Seduction

The ways that the mouth is used to eat, suck, lick and envelop the food, can bring up similarities to oral sex.  By inserting a banana, popsicle or carrot into your mouth, you could simulate fellatio and tease your partner. Finding food to use to simulate cunnilingus (oral sex for women) may be more challenging. Here’s our suggestion: take a piece of fleshy fruit (peach, pear, kiwi) and cut it in half, enjoying in front of your partner the sweet nectar.

Fingers, toes, nipples and many other places are also filled with nerve endings. Sucking or licking juices or syrups off of the fingers or licking in-between your partner’s fingers can both simulate oral sex and increase sensations not focused on genitals.  

Additionally, some people get turned on by feeding their partners, watching them as they enjoy tasty treats like strawberries or whipped cream. Sharing food implies intimacy, and feeding each other is a way to give each other pleasure. You can also eat together as foreplay.  Go to dinner first, and savor the meal while anticipating the sexual experiences that might come later (whether that is a kiss goodnight, or intercourse). In this way, potential lovers may eat more sensually, licking their lips or rolling their eyes in pleasure, as they share their fudge brownie dessert.

Put it on ice 

Putting ice in your mouth and giving oral sex, or rubbing it along your partner’s body is an easy, safe way to explore new sensations. Not only is it water soluble, it won’t leave a sticky residue!  You can also try using ice during masturbation, rubbing it on your body including your genitals to heighten sensations.

But I’m not hungry…

As with all sexual play, check in to make sure you & your partner are actually enjoying fun with food. Sometimes we re-create what we’re told is sexy and sensual, even if it doesn’t work for us. Just because we see scenes where lovers are sharing chocolate covered strawberries naked on a blanket in the middle of a flowered field, doesn’t mean we have to create this in our own relationships.  You might find mixing food with sex is messy, sticky and a turn off! On the other hand, re-creating scenes that we do find sexy, romantic or sensual, can add new sparks to our sex lives!

There’s a lot of focus in our society on our sex lives, making them better, adding spice and flavor. We don’t want to fall into the same trap. Most likely, your sex life is good enough! Enjoy it for what it is, however it looks or tastes.

Join us next week as we talk more about “good enough” sex. Until then, keep doin’ it well!

Sex 411: Cooking for a Spicy Time

Try out these sensual cookbooks, or just use your senses to guide you!

Brown: The Seduction Cookbook

Kaupp: The Erotic Cookbook

Reiley: Fork Me, Spoon Me: The Sensual Cookbook

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

When we think of romance, we usually think of something that is designed for women. Often, romance is seen as something that men provide for women (although among gay male relationships, the idea of romance may have a broader scope thanks to less traditional gender roles). Unlike “sweet talking” (telling your partner what they want to hear to have sex), romance communicates genuine feelings of love and caring to one’s partner. Men may provide romance, but do they get to receive it?

Traditional romantic approaches present two problems. Women may depend on, expect, or wait for their partners - male or female - to provide the romance, instead of creating it themselves within their relationships. On the other hand, men lose out on the ability to experience romance for themselves, focusing instead on simply delivering it to their partner.

Most men (and women) aren’t consciously aware of this. In fact, most men would contend that romantic or not, sex feels good and is enjoyable!  While women have permission to receive romance, Doin’ It Well wanted to explore the ways men can also expand their sexual pleasure.

Romance for Two?

Men reading this may be thinking “I don’t need or care about romance.”  Though this may feel true, have you ever tried? If you are a man, think about the last time you’ve engaged in slow, romantic lovemaking - for your pleasure. When was the last time your partner gave you a gentle, sensual back massage, whispered romantic things into your ear, slowly kissed you and/or focused on pleasuring your body in ways that didn’t immediately focus on the genitals? 

When Kim talks to men about their experience of romance as part of sex, they usually explain that they are romantic with their partners, sometimes playing music, buying flowers or giving them a massage. But when asked how they themselves experience romance, men are usually dumbfounded. They explain that slow, romantic sex is something women like, not men.

However, when men are given permission to explore a romantic side of their sexuality, they often report that they enjoyed the experience very much and are stunned that they haven’t explored it before. We’re socialized to believe that men’s goal during sex is to prepare his partner for penetration (get his partner ready), and that the main excitement for men is penetration itself. What a narrow view of sexuality!

When we hold rigid views of sexuality and sexual behavior, it becomes difficult to imagine other ways that sex can look.  We might believe that non-penetrative sex is second best, which places more emphasis and pressure on the penis and penetration (which can enhance symptoms of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation).  This reinforces for men that sex is not about total body pleasure, but merely what they can do with their penis.  Sex becomes a performance, a job, something men “do” rather than something they experience.

Romantic Interludes

Men: think about the ways you’d like to experience romance. It may look differently than what you think about for your female (or male) partners, or it may look strikingly similar! Do you crave a homemade (or ordered in) candlelight dinner? Soft music?  A total body massage? Hearing your partner share their feelings for you? Hearing that you’re beautiful? Sexy? Listening to your partner tell you all the ways they want to give you pleasure? Flowers? A sexual scene that doesn’t lead to penetration but is filled with exploring other parts of your body that often get neglected? 

If it’s something you’d like to try, talk to your partner about it. You can either ask that they help you create a romantic evening for you, or you can take the lead and set the stage yourself, asking for the kind of lovemaking you’d prefer. It may be helpful to explain to your partner that you’d like some romance for you, so that the focus can remain on how you’re experiencing romance within your relationship. Remember that this is your chance to experience romance for yourself; you are not being more romantic for your partner’s pleasure.

Identifying your need and desire for romance can lead to feelings of vulnerability, because romance reminds us of our need for love, nurturing and attention from our partners. This can feel uncomfortable if you usually focus your efforts on giving these things, rather than receiving them and identifying your needs for them can lead to feelings of vulnerability as well.  Don’t despair! Experiencing this vulnerability within the context of a loving relationship can deepen your relationship with yourself and your partner and enhance your sex life! 

Join us next week as Doin’ It Well explores the sexy side of playing with your food.

Sex 411

Romance and romantic sex is another variety to add to your sexual repertoire. It may not be something you crave all the time, but men shouldn’t rule it out as something that isn’t for them. Experiment! If you don’t like it, nothing lost, but if you do…

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com