It’s Party Time: Hosting a Safe, Sexy Party
Lately we’ve been thinking about parties. Not birthday parties, retirement parties, or Labor Day cookouts – though any of those can be a good excuse for a party. But we’ve been thinking about the parties that get thrown at the beginning of the semester and how sexual behavior (in all forms) is an implicit part of socializing at such events.
Parties are a place for people to connect with one another, meet new people and relax after a week of work or studying. Part of this “good time” can be about sexuality: whether that means just flirting with someone, getting someone’s phone number, making out, or having sex. Many times, this happens casually as a natural product of socializing. But sometimes, parties are set up in advance specifically to facilitate sex. There isn’t anything wrong with socializing for the purpose of sex, so long as everyone is free to make their own decisions about what they want. But, a party that is unsafe is not sexy or fun. As a good host, the safety of all your guests, sexually and otherwise, is important. Here are some of our thoughts on how to create a safe, sexy party.
Yes Yes Yes!
Obviously, if we’re going to create a sexy party, it has to be okay for people to express their sexual desires respectfully. For example, it is respectful to let someone know that you find them attractive or that you want to hook up with them. But, it is disrespectful to keep talking to them about it after they’ve shown you that they aren’t interested. It’s un-sexy to harass or feel entitled to something (sex) or someone. It’s respectful to allow people to express their desires (or even act on them) without fear of shame or punishment from their friends. It’s totally disrespectful to call someone a slut or whore for being sexual. Parties should be a safe place where all people can express their sexuality in ways they want, while respecting others, without judgment or retaliation.
No No No?
Just as important as the right to say, “yes,” is the permission to say no. Saying “no” shouldn’t result in being called frigid or a prude; people should be able to have fun on their own terms without being subjected to further pressure to be sexual (especially for someone else’s benefit).
Party Supplies
A good party host is also prepared. If it’s likely that your guests might hook up in the mutually pleasurable and respectful environment you’ve created, you might want to have some condoms or other latex barriers available. It’s your call whether you have them on the living room table or in a bathroom drawer.
But safety is more than just wearing a love glove; check up on people occasionally. A sex dungeon (place where people have public sex) in San Francisco actually employs people to walk around and check for consent. What if we allowed people to do this at parties here? It may sound weird at first, but would you mind if someone asked you if you were both okay with what was happening? Wouldn’t you appreciate it if you weren’t? It could be as simple as saying “is everyone good here?” or “Are you both cool?”
Where’s the liquor?
Alcohol plays an interesting role when we’re talking about having a sexy party. Although not a necessity, alcohol often is used to loosen people up and lower anxiety about socializing. Some people may be friendlier or even more sexual when drinking. This effect is partially about the ways alcohol affects our bodies, but it is also about what we expect alcohol to do because of what advertising promises us.
At the same time, some parties may use alcohol to target individuals – often women – to get them heavily intoxicated for the purpose of having sex with them. We see this happen at bars and parties – men buy women drinks, often giving them drinks with high alcohol content masked by a fruity taste. Sometimes this is seen as part of the “game;” you give someone drinks and keep trying until they can’t say no. This is a dangerous game for everyone. The women at these parties are being targeted for what could be consensual sex (if they want to have sex), but what could be rape. The men at these parties can be leaving their female friends open to sexual violence, and their male friends open to harming women.
We want to speak very directly to men. Many of these parties are thrown by men and target women. There is nothing inherently wrong with men throwing parties or men hoping to hook up with someone, but when it comes at the price of feeding someone drinks until they stop saying no, that just isn’t cool. Men: you have a responsibility to your party guests – male and female. A good host creates a party where rape is unlikely, not inevitable. So watch out for each other and create an environment of mutual caring and respect That’s very sexy!
Stay tuned next week as we explore whether sex ed really is for kindergarteners.
Sex 411: Sexy Party Tips
- Don’t pressure people to drink
- Avoid serving jungle juice or mixed drinks
- Watch out for people who have had too much to drink
- Distract or remove people hitting on very drunk guests
Thanks to Mark, Trevor, and Jose from the Fraternity Peer Rape Education Program for their sexy party tips!
Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are waiting for your comments and questions. Contact them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com
