Doin’ It Well

Summertime is a great opportunity to pick up a new book. On these hot and steamy days, you may crave an equally hot and steamy read. Erotica, or erotic literature, may fill this void in your life. But how do you select erotica? And where would you even find it?  Never fear, Doin’ It Well is here to guide the wayward reader to fulfill their literary desires.  

SexLit

When we talk about erotica, we usually mean erotic literature, or sexually explicit stories. Erotica is nothing new. From the Kama Sutra to Lady Chatterley’s Lover to Letters to Penthouse, sexually explicit literature has a long, tawdry history. Erotica authors explore sexuality, romance, feelings, and experiences, and allow the reader access to sexual information and stories. At one time or another, most erotica has been cherished, banned, smuggled, and celebrated because it contained tales that challenged societal mores and pushed limits with respect to sexuality. Because of this, erotic literature was often hard to find.  

Today, this information is much more available. Sex manuals can be purchased in bookstores. The internet allows for a host of information to be viewed anonymously and (vastly) free. And the porn industry, though we have issues with it, provides viewers with sexually explicit imagery including stories. Sexual images in general are not only accessible, they’re common. But erotica still carves out its own niche.  

Many readers of erotica may choose it because they don’t like the images or messages in the mainstream porn industry (or don’t see their sexuality portrayed accurately). There may also be less stigma attached to consuming sexual literature than accessing images. Finally, erotic literature is free from constraints of reality, so the possibilities of settings, behaviors, and characters are endless.  

What’s Out There?

It might be easier to ask what genres aren’t out there. Whether you’re interested in Westerns, science fiction, comedy, mystery, or fantasy, there is already a story (or anthologized collection) waiting for you. You can read about the sexual lives of vampires, cowboys, or firefighters. You could read a story about having sex on the moon, or underwater (Aqua Erotica is actually a waterproof anthology), or in ancient times. Ever wondered what would it be like to make love with Joan of Arc or Abraham Lincoln? Erotica authors have already done the footwork for you! 

Some erotica anthologies focus on the behaviors, like bondage, fetishes, anal sex, three-ways, or voyeurism. Others may focus on the relationships; some erotica focuses exclusively on sex within committed relationships.  

Also, many erotic anthologies are also marketed to (or about) a target demographic. Racial/ethnic-based anthologies may collect stories of African-American, Latino/a or Asian erotica. There are collections of erotic stories about people of size (such as Unruly Appetites), erotica for gay, lesbian, straight, or bisexual folks, and erotica especially for women, men, and transgendered folks, too. If you’re wondering about a topic, someone has probably written a story about it. (And if they haven’t, you should!) 

Book Sale

Seeking out erotica may feel anxiety provoking. Ultimately, it is important to find an environment where you feel comfortable perusing the books. Local adult bookstores tend to carry little erotic literature, but some of the mainstream bookstores, such as Borders, have entire sections devoted to erotica. Often, public libraries may also have erotica anthologies on their shelves. Additionally, the e-book (books printed exclusively online) erotica industry is fast growing. Searching the internet for recommendations of erotica anthologies may be a good place to start, and then you can find authors and topics that you enjoy. Or if you make it to a bookstore, you can take your time and browse.  

Porn Vs. Erotica

Although erotica is often referring to erotic literature, sometimes erotica is framed as distinctly different from pornography (images). Gloria Steinem and other feminist writers have attempted to define erotica as depictions of respectful, egalitarian sexuality, whether those be images or literature, as opposed to porn, which may eroticize unequal power relations and violence. With this other definition of erotica out there, it might be tempting to imagine that all erotic literature presents nice, happy, consensual, fun sex. Not true.  

One of the popular genres of erotic literature in many sex shops is incest, “family” or child sex. Because erotica is simply a written description, it is often able to explore taboo subjects. For us, when those “taboo” subjects cross into areas where people are non-consensually injured or taken advantage of, this is promoting the sexualization of violence. As you’re thumbing through erotica, take into account not only how it makes you feel, but also how the characters are being treated. There’s nothing inherently wrong with taboo being sexy; the forbidden is often very hot. But we do have a big problem with excusing violence against others as sexy!  

Finding what you like can be a fun experiment, and the options are limitless. You may want to read alone, or read aloud to a partner. However you enjoy your erotica, find what’s right for you! 

Check us out next week as we talk about “homosexuals.”   

Sex 411: Finding Erotica for You

Erotic literature can be found in your local library and most major bookstores, but here are some additional places to get what you want:

Cleis Press www.cleispress.com

Early to Bed www.early2bed.com  

Kim and Ross want to hear from you. Send them a question at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or write a comment on their blog at www.doinitwell.blog.com

Recently we have received a few specific questions from readers about sex therapy and counseling. Often questions like these cannot easily be addressed in a column. Instead, general counseling, or more specifically sex therapy, can prove most beneficial. So while we answered our readers through email with resources, it prompted us to think about how and where to access help when experiencing a sexual problem.

Kim and Ross:

I’ve enjoyed your columns. I’m 78 and while I’m still interested I haven’t had an erection in maybe a year and a half…A year or so ago my doctor changed one of my high blood pressure prescriptions but it didn’t do any good. I’m wondering whether a session with one of you might be helpful. You may know more than the doctor about the effect of medications… -anonyomous

While the Doin’ It Well column is a separate endeavor and not part of our official University jobs, Kim works at McKinley Health Center full time to address the sexual health of students. Kim can see University students who have concerns about sexual functioning or sexual health. Ross, on the other hand, specializes in sexual violence prevention and works full-time at the Office of Women’s Programs. In his role as a sexual violence prevention specialist, he does not provide individual advocacy or counseling, but Pat Morey, the Director of Women’s Programs offers this service to students, as does Rape Crisis Services in the community. Ross can meet individually with supporters of rape survivors and individuals (men and women) who have questions about how to address sexual violence in our community.  

Side Effects May Occur

In terms of navigating the sexual side effects of medications, usually a multi-disciplinary team is the best approach. A doctor may not know all of the sexual side effects, may not have the time to discuss them, or may be uncomfortable talking about sexual issues with their patients (especially if the patient has not raised these concerns). Sometimes switching medications can help, while at other times changing prescriptions is not possible, or has no effect.

Based on the information you have given us - age, medical factors and the nature of your problem - we suggest a sex therapist. An experienced sex therapist is specifically trained to consider all the factors that affect a sexual problems (age, medication, relationship, environment, etc.) and work with you to figure out how to have the best sex life possible. The goal is usually not focused solely on getting erections or having orgasms, but finding ways to experience the pleasure of sexual intimacy whether with a partner or solo. Sexual functioning can be complex, and it’s important to meet with someone who can explore these complexities with you.

Dear Sir/Madam: 

I read your article [about] low desire…my situation is that ever since me and my girlfriend had some issues about breaking up…I don’t seem to have sexual desires any more and also some times when we try to have sex…my mind drifts from…sex…what should I do?

Often when a sexual problem occurs, there are usually relationship factors at play. Sometimes when a sexual problem is based more specifically on relationship issues, general therapy can be extremely helpful. As we mentioned in our low desire column, libido can be a complex thing and many factors influence its course. Low desire can inform us about other things going on in our lives - including our relationships - and can provide excellent opportunity to sort these things out.  Usually this works best when a professional helps to guide us. University students can access counseling services at the Counseling Center on campus or through McKinley’s Mental Health department.

Finding the Right Match

While there are usually numerous therapists in any given area, a certified sex therapist may be difficult to locate or access. A great resource is the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), http://www.aasect.org/.  On their website is a directory of sexuality professionals to help folks locate someone in their area.  Kim is familiar with Tom Niebur, a certified sex therapist who works in Bloomington, and recommends him.

Or, you may find located in the yellow pages under “counseling” or “therapists” professionals that list they address sexual dysfunction or sexuality. While someone who is “certified” in this area may be well-trained, it does not mean that someone who is not a certified sex therapist is not an excellent resource! At the same time, certification may mean that someone has completed required education, training and supervision specific to the field of sexuality, but it does not ensure that they are a good therapist, or would necessarily be a good match for you. The goal is to find a therapist with whom you are comfortable and gives you a sense through your work together that your situation is improving.  Most good therapists will clearly state their limitations, and offer a referral if something is beyond their scope of practice.

Thanks to our readers for writing in such important questions. Stay tuned to next week as we browse one-handed reading, erotica.

Sex 411 Local Resources

Bloomington-Normal

• Tom Niebur, Certified Sex Therapist 309-451-2910

Champaign-Urbana 

• John Jones, Ph.D. 217-355-8626 or Jtjones03@gmail.com
• Joanna Kling 217-344-4722 or jokling611@comcast.net
• Lydia Khuri 217-398-0113
• Tim Shea, LCSW 217-649-9076

Got a question for Doin’ It Well? Send them an e-mail to Kim and Ross at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

For this past week’s column, we caught up with Brandy Reeves and Erin Lapham, health educators, and Marcey Goldstein, consultant, with Pure Romance, an in-home sex toy party company. Here is the complete text of what they shared with us. Be sure to read the column, “Selling It,” too.

1. What led you to get involved with Pure Romance?

Marcey: I saw an ad on TV for Pure Romance, and decided it would be fun to have a party. At my party, I watched the consultant, who was new and quite nervous, and thought, “I can do that!” Then, about two months later, I was talking to a friend who was the manager of the local adult bookstore. She told me that many of her female customers had heard about in-home sex toy parties, and that there was a real need for them in our area. I was unemployed at the time, and I talked to my husband about becoming a consultant. He thought I would be great at it, and offered to skip our annual anniversary weekend getaway and use the money for me to buy my kit.

My next step was to investigate which company I wanted to join. I went online and Googled “in-home sex toy parties”. There were about 24 entries, but most of them seemed local to a particular region. There were two that were nationwide, one of which was Pure Romance. I contacted each of them to find out more. After listening to what each of the two representatives who called had to say, I decided Pure Romance was the better of the two. I chose Pure Romance because the representative from Pure Romance talked about all the wonderful products they had and about helping women, rather than just about selling and recruiting.

2. Do home parties for sex toys & aids educate people about sex? How?

Brandy & Erin: Pure Romance teaches individuals about their bodies and opens the doors of communication.  Many women find it difficult to talk about sexuality with their doctors, families or partners.  Pure Romance gives them the opportunity to break down those barriers by reassuring women that it is okay to talk about their sexuality and their sexual health, to explore their bodies and to not be embarrassed or ashamed.  Pure Romance provides individuals the opportunity to learn about the biology of sexuality, as well as how to tackle controversial issues.  Information about human sexuality is not designed to impose values on individuals or teach them how to have sex, but to give them the knowledge and information they need to make their own informed choices. We are a business committed to educating our society about their sexual health, and enhancing their overall quality of life.

Marcey: During my shows, I talk about more than how and why the products work. I also talk about the physiology of the female and male genitalia and about how the products can be used to enhance intimate relationships, both with a partner and alone.

3. What is a party generally like? What happens at them?

Marcey: As a consultant, I do what I can to make the party fun. I start out by playing a couple of games to loosen up the guests. They are not your “Typical Tupperware Games” - they are a bit racier. I give out prizes to the winners, plus gifts to anyone who brings a guest who was not invited by the hostess. After the games, I demonstrate the creams and lotions, and the women get to try them on their hands and arms. They use their left hands for lickable lotions and their right hands for sniffable lotions. I tell them it is ok to sniff their lickers, but they cannot lick their sniffers. Then I bring out the toys and explain how and why each type is used. I pass around the toys for the women to feel - in their hands only, please! As you can see, I inject humor into all that I say, still remaining professional in my presentation. During the demo, I ask that the hostess only serves beverages.

After the demonstration, the hostess serves snacks or food while everyone enjoys the unstructured part of the party. During this time, I have the women come one at a time into a private ordering room (bedroom, office, den, whatever works for the hostess) where I have my “store”. Each one shops privately, and she gets to take her products home with her that night.

The hostess is the last to order because she gets 10% of all sales as credit towards her purchase. For example, if I sell $700 worth of products to the guests, the hostess gets $70 off her order. Plus, there are extra gifts and products she gets depending on how high the total sales are.

4. What are some common questions of party-goers?

Brandy & Erin: We often get questions about orgasm (how to orgasm, inability to orgasm), communication issues, premature ejaculation (men), erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, low libido, and pain during penetration and intercourse.

Marcey: During the demonstration, the questions usually center on me - do I use the products, what is my favorite toy, etc. I answer in very general terms because I want them to think about their own sex life - not mine. They often ask if the products really work or, “Will he really like that?” The more personal questions are usually asked during the private ordering. This is where I feel I am really helping women, as they ask questions that pertain to their own situation. A woman may ask what products to use if her husband has difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, or has trouble achieving an orgasm. A woman may tell me she has never had an orgasm and wants to know how to go about having one. Women ask about allergens in the products, or what to use if they are very sensitive or prone to urinary tract infections.

5. So, Pure Romance sells products. What can sex toys or lubes or other aids provide to someone’s sex life? Do they need them for a good sex life?

Brandy & Erin: Pure Romance does not teach people to have sex, but to make good choices that are best for them regarding their intimate lives.  There are many intimacy enhancing products available and we want to help people choose the product that is going to be best for them.  Just as it takes some people a few tries to figure out what type of shampoo is right for them, it may take people a few tries to figure out the right intimacy enhancing product.  We try to educate all people about the various products available, allowing them to choose for themselves what they think will work best for them.

Marcey: I feel sex toys can add an extra dimension to sex. I do not think they should be used every time a couple has sex, but can be used occasionally to add a little sparkle to what may have become routine. Sometimes sex toys are used to help a woman achieve an orgasm in a way she could not before. For example, studies show that four out of five women need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm - intercourse alone may feel good, but does not provide enough stimulation where she needs it. By using a vibrator on her clitoris during intercourse she can have an orgasm, and that orgasm will feel better because her vagina is actually gripping something (a penis or toy) with each muscle contraction - plus, it feels better to him when she orgasms with his penis inside of her.

Another example is our arousal creams Ex-T-Cee, Nympho Niagra and XScream. Sometimes they are used to add a little (or a lot) of extra stimulation when a woman is already turned on, but more often they are used to help a woman get turned on when she is having trouble doing so, either because she is tired but still wants to be intimate, or because her sex drive is very low, either naturally or because of some physical cause such as being on antidepressants. These creams can make the difference between so-so sex and extremely pleasurable sex.

6. Pure Romance has a strong focus on sexuality for cancer survivors. Why do you feel it is important to provide this information for individuals surviving cancer?

Brandy & Erin: The mission of the Sensuality, Sexuality, Survival program is to help women recapture their sensual and sexual selves through education, empowerment, and safe product offerings designed specifically for women following cancer diagnosis and treatment.  Research has shown that this population of women struggles with the sexual side effects of cancer diagnosis and treatment.  The side effects tend to be greater than some other diseases, as cancer treatment can cause premature menopause and can have many other effects on a woman’s body.  We are trying to educate a group of women that desperately needs and wants to feel good about their bodies again.

Marcey: When a woman has had cancer, many parts of her life are changed, and her sensuality and sexuality may also change. If she had breast cancer and has had all or part of a breast removed, she might not feel as desirable as she had before. If she had ovarian cancer, she may no longer produce the hormones necessary to feel sexually aroused. The cancer may not have killed her, but the cure may kill an important part of her life - her sexuality - and we would like to help that part of her come back to life.

7. What is the phenomenon of “sex parties” where a hostess sells sex toys to female guests all about? Why do you think that these have been marketed primarily to women?

Brandy & Erin: Pure Romance parties are a platform that gives women an opportunity to talk about and learn about their bodies and their sexuality.  They empower women to discuss in a safe environment where they feel comfortable to ask their most personal questions.  There are not many opportunities where women feel completely at east asking questions and learning about their bodies; we have found over the years that many women do not feel comfortable asking their health care providers about some of their issues and experiences.  Having a mixed gender environment may not allow women the chance to learn and have fun in a completely relaxed manner.

Marcey: In-home parties are an alternative to buying sex toys in a retail store, through a catalog or online. For men, these are acceptable ways of buying toys because they see them as a tool to get a job done, whereas for most women they are part of a relationship - either with a partner or themselves - so they want to learn how to integrate it into that relationship. Also, women are more apt to worry about someone seeing them go into what is viewed as a sleazy store or having to deal with the other clientele at those stores. Furthermore, at parties where they are with their friends, the peer atmosphere gives many women the message that it is okay to use sexual aids.

8. In our culture, it is difficult to understand our sexuality on our own terms, without feeling pressured to fit another person’s idea of how we should be sexually. Do you think that your parties create a space where women can decide what they like for themselves, or does it run the risk of creating another standard for what it means to be sexual in the “right” ways?

Brandy & Erin: Based on the diversity of our product line, we are trying to meet the needs of all women.  Not all women are interested in all types of toys or in all types of experiences.  Whether it is massage, bondage, or anal play, there is probably a product in the Pure Romance line that is right for all women.  We offer a wide spectrum of products that women can select that will fit into their comfort zone and that will be best for them.

During a Pure Romance party, the Consultant takes all orders in a private room, where she is also available to answer questions.  This helps takes away the pressures of feeling like you have to order the same thing as everyone else. 

Marcey: I think a lot of it depends on what the consultant says and how she presents the information. For example, in general people think that women do not like to perform oral sex on a man, and there are many jokes going around that support that idea. I used to demonstrate certain products so women would have an alternative to performing oral sex, but I have recently changed that up and I now talk about the products as enhancements for those who enjoy this practice. I even ask, “How many of you actually enjoy giving oral sex to your man?” and at least a third to a half of those present raise their hands. At first only one or two do, but as the other women see those hands go up, they raise their hands, also. I feel this sends the message that it is okay to like something you are “not supposed” to like.

9. How do you educate your sales representatives? Are they sex educators? Why or why not?

Brandy & Erin: In the kit all Consultants receive when they first join Pure Romance, they are given training materials for how to book a party, how to run a party, and also a sexual health DVD, written by a sexuality expert out of Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, Dr. Debby Herbenick.  We offer quarterly and on-line trainings on all areas of their business, as well as Annual Training and our National Convention. 

We have conducted research over the years that has shown that women ask their Consultants questions that they do not feel comfortable asking their health care providers.  The study included responses from both Pure Romance Consultants and women that attend Pure Romance parties, and both groups of women reiterated this same point: that Pure Romance Consultants educate women on all areas of sexual health and sexuality.

Within Pure Romance, we have a Health Education Department that supports our Consultants in their endeavor to educate women.  By providing them with the education and resources they need, we are essentially training lay health advisors to provide women with the information they need to impact their sexual health.  If it were not for the Pure Romance Consultants, we would not be able to educate as many women as we do.

10. What is the best part about working for Pure Romance?

Marcey: I love to be “on stage”, laughing and joking with the audience as I demonstrate the products. It is a really fun job, and a fun way to make money. I also like helping women enhance their sex lives. What makes working as a Pure Romance consultant rather than with another company so good is that our founder, Patty Brisben, really cares about women - both as customers and as consultants. Her caring about women shows in her dedication to making products available that are high quality at reasonable prices, and her donating a portion of the company’s profits to the Patty Brisben Foundation, which gives out monetary grants for research on women’s sexual health.

Her caring about women as consultants shows in all the support and training we get from the company, the opportunities for free products, trips and other prizes, and the many ways we can increase our profits through our own hard work and dedication.

11. If you could tell everyone one thing about sex, what would it be?

Brandy & Erin: If we had to pick just one thing (which is incredibly difficult to do when the topic is sex!), it would be to stress to everyone that we are all unique; everyone has different opinions and experiences when it comes to sexuality and intimacy.  The most important thing is to find what feels good and is right for them.  We define for ourselves what is “normal” and that is key to having a fulfilling intimate life. (I’m not sure about this underlined part.)

Marcey: You do not have to measure your sex life against anyone else’s sex life - this is not a contest to see who can have the most sex in a week or the most orgasms. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with doing what you can to make your own sex life better.

In the last 25 years or so, in-home sex toy parties have gained popularity. Created as an alternative way for women to have access to sex aids and toys, a number of companies - big and small -have sprung up. We caught up with local consultant Marcey Goldstein and health educators Brandy Reeves and Erin Lapham from Pure Romance, a national sex toy party company, to find out more.

Where’s the Party?

We asked the representatives of Pure Romance why they believed these in-home parties were so popular. As Marcey said, “In-home parties are an alternative to buying sex toys in a retail store, through a catalog or online. [F]or most women [sex toys] are part of a relationship - either with a partner or themselves.”

Brandy and Erin agreed, and added that the parties provide comfort and safety. They said, “[These parties] empower women to discuss [sex] in a safe environment where they feel comfortable to ask their most personal questions.  There are not many opportunities where women feel completely at ease asking questions and learning about their bodies; we have found over the years that many women do not feel comfortable asking their health care providers about some of their issues and experiences.  Having a mixed gender environment may not allow women the chance to learn and have fun in a completely relaxed manner.”

Jennifer, who attended a local party added, “I find most sex toy shops to be a bit intimidating and male-focused, so I feel more comfortable learning about various products and questioning the host than I would in an actual store.”

Party Atmosphere

Marcey described the parties she hosts. “As a consultant, I do what I can to make the party fun. I start out by playing a couple of games to loosen up the guests. After the games, I demonstrate the creams and lotions, and the women get to try them on their hands and arms. Then I bring out the toys and explain how and why each type is used. After the demonstration, I have the women come one at a time into a private ordering room. The atmosphere allows women to talk with each other more openly (if they choose) about sexuality and pleasure, and validates female sexuality in a way that is not always present in the larger society.”

Most consultants arrange for a private room at the party to take orders. The Pure Romance staff said that this is when party-goers will ask more personal questions, such as how to orgasm, erectile dysfunction, and low desire.

Consultant Ed

The training the consultant receives is a crucial component of any good in-home party. As health educators, Brandy and Erin provide Pure Romance consultants around the nation with education and consultation to help them in their role. As they said, “By providing them with the education and resources they need, we are essentially training lay health advisors to provide women with the information they need to impact their sexual health.” Because the level of education varies widely, it might be important to ask a consultant about their training specifically in sexual health. But remember: personal experience and opinions are just that - personal - and therefore, different for everyone. As Erin & Brandy said “…we are all unique; everyone has different opinions and experiences when it comes to sexuality and intimacy.  The most important thing is to find what feels good and is right for them.”

Do You Buy It?

So toys, lubes, and other sex aids are great, but are they necessary for a good sex life? Brandy and Erin said, “There are many intimacy enhancing products available and we want to help people choose the product that is going to be best for them.” Marcey concurred, “I feel sex toys can add an extra dimension to sex…[they can] add a little sparkle to what may have become routine.”

Ultimately, sex shops and in-home parties have to make a profit to succeed. Products can help enhance our sex lives, alone or with partners, but they are not the key to good sex itself; that is within each of us, when we embrace our own sexuality, desires, and limits and respect these in our partners.

A huge thank you to Marcey, Erin and Brandy for their willingness to be interviewed for our column. Find out more about Pure Romance at http://www.pureromance.com/. Stay tuned next week as Doin’ It Well gets on the couch to talk about sex therapy.

Sex 411: Know What You Want

If you’re thinking of hosting a sex toy party, here are some good questions to ask beforehand:

• What kind of education do consultants receive about sex and sexuality?
• What education do consultants provide to partygoers about the products and sexuality?
• Does the company address sexuality for everyone? (LGBT folks, people with disabilities, etc.)
• Do they provide additional (local?) resources for further information on sexuality?

Kim and Ross are awaiting fan mail. Send some to them at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Bisexuality can be defined as having sexual, romantic, and emotional attractions to men and women. Often misunderstood as being promiscuous or indecisive, people who are bisexual challenge societal assumptions about sexual and romantic attraction. We wanted to explore the sexual orientation that all too frequently gets left “bi” the wayside.

Figuring Out Bi

Back in 1948, sex researcher Alfred Kinsey published the Kinsey Scale. He asserted that people are not exclusively “homosexual” (an offensive term now, but the word used at the time) or heterosexual, but that sexual orientation falls along a continuum. The Kinsey Scale is still widely recognized and used today to describe sexual orientation.  The scale ranges from 1-6 (0=exclusively heterosexual, 6=exclusively “homosexual”). People who fall in the middle of the scale are often referred to as “bisexual.”

Kinsey believed that sexuality, including orientation, can and does change over time. He also recognized sexual orientation to be more than physical sexual behaviors, but to also include desire, romantic attraction, fantasy, and emotional intimacy.

While his work has received criticism, many researchers believe that most people fall along a continuum with respect to their sexuality. Some suggest that society has a role in shaping sexual identity. Professor and author Majorie Garber believes that all people would be bisexual if not for “repression, religion, repungnance, [and] denial.” 

Bisexuality does not necessarily mean that bisexual folks are attracted equally to both sexes; the degree of preference and choice of relationships or partners varies. Bisexual people are individuals and not a homogenous group. Like everyone, bisexual people have varying thoughts, experiences, feelings, attractions, and politics. Still, people often want to “figure out” those who are bisexual, want them to decide “what team they are batting for.” This goes back to the need for categorization, our homophobia and gender-phobia, and for people to “make sense,” as we explored in our gender identity column.

Labels

People who are mostly heterosexual but occasionally or situationally engage in same-sex sexual behaviors may identify as heterosexual rather than bisexual. And those who might be classified by others as being bisexual may identify themselves as mostly gay or lesbian. It’s up to each person to decide what label, if any, feels right to them. Be cautious when applying a label or categorizing someone; when in doubt, and if it feels comfortable, ask the person.

Like Kinsey’s scale, bisexuality doesn’t only mean sexual experiences, but also attractions and a larger sense of identity. Some bisexual people may not have had any opposite or same gender sexual experiences, but still identify as bi. Sometimes they also identify as homoflexible, heteroflexible, bi-curious or bi-permissive.

While the term bisexuality is relatively new, people engaging in both opposite and same sex relationships is centuries old. The term bisexuality was only just created in the 20^th century and in less than 100 years, new terms, such as pansexuality and omnisexuality, have gained popularity as being more inclusive rather than enforcing “two” sexes or genders.

Bi-Curiosity

It’s a commonly held myth that bisexual people engage in relationships with men and women at the same time. We see this played out in the media (like Tila Tequila) that bisexual people are omnivorous sexual creatures who cannot commit. In reality, bisexual individuals, like everyone else, experience variety in their dating and sexual patterns, sometimes dating casually, enjoying multiple partners or choosing monogamy. It’s also a myth that because people who are bisexual can be attracted to both sexes that they will be. Again, just like everyone else, bisexual people find some folks attractive and some, well, not so much. Bisexual people are no more promiscious than gay, lesbian or heterosexual people and maintain a variety of short and long-term relationships. In addition, they are just as interested and capable of monogamy and long-term committments. 

Sometimes people fear that if they are attracted to or engage in sexual behaviors with members of the same sex it automatically means they are gay, lesbian or bisexual. This “fear” speaks to the homophobia of our culture; we grow up afraid we won’t be “straight.”  Bisexual folks may also fear being ostracized by lesbian and gay communities because they are attracted to members of the opposite sex. Combined with homophobia, this “monosexism” (believing that being straight or gay is superior to bisexuality) can leave bisexual people struggling to find support. Part of healthy sexual development and the “coming out” process whether straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual, is to explore our feelings, attractions and emotions in a safe and supported way.

Researcher Richard Lippa said it best: “[W]hatever your sexual orientation is and whatever gender (or genders) you’re attracted to, learn to accept yourself and enjoy your sexual feelings.  Sex is always a process, but not necessarily a fixed process.”

Eventually, we’ll know for ourselves who we want to develop intimate and sexual relationships with, and what, if any, labels we want to apply to ourselves. At the same time, it’s up to all of us to provide this safe, supportive environment for others - whether they are 5, 15 or 45 years old.

Stay tuned until next week as Doin’ It Well drops in on sex toy parties!

Sex 411: Reading Bi

Baumgardner, J. (2007). Look Both Ways.

Garber. M (1995) Vice Versa: Bisexuality and the Eroticism of Everyday Life.

Ochs, R. & Rowley, S. (2005). Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals around the World.

PFLAG Bisexuality Resource Packet http://www.pflag.org/

Send Kim and Ross your thoughts and questions to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or post a comment on their blog at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

Discussing sexual histories and sexually transmitted disease (STD) status with potential partners can feel awkward, uncomfortable and difficult. For people with chronic (controllable, but not curable) STDs, these conversations may be filled with anxiety and fears. How might this person respond once they know that I have an STD? Will they still want to have sex or be around me once I tell them? What is the best way to tell them? Will they respect my privacy and keep what I share with them confidential?

 Certainly, the risk of rejection is scary. And although many people have at one time had an STD, there is still a huge social stigma associated with having an STD. Creating a  plan for talking with sexual partners can make the process a little less awkward and might increase feelings of empowerment, intimacy and comfort. Here are some of our thoughts for having this talk.

Curable Vs. Manageable STDs

There are many different STDs that can be passed through sexual contact.. Some, like HIV and Hepatitis B & C, are transmitted through bodily fluids. Others, like herpes or HPV, can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact.

Bacterial STDs, like any other bacterial illness, can be cured with antibiotics or other medication. Most bacterial STDs are easily treated, especially when caught in an early stage. Viral STDs, however, can’t necessarily be cured, but managed, often with medication. For people living with HIV or herpes,  prescription medication can help control the viruses and their symptoms, but not entirely eliminate them from the body. Often, these STDs are called “chronic” because they will likely be with the individual for their whole life. But this doesn’t mean that their sex life is over! By taking care of themselves, individuals with these STDs can lead sexually healthy and enjoyable lives. But part of that sex life may mean disclosing their status to a partner.

Do I Have To?

Letting sexual partners know in advance your STD status can help them make sexually healthy decisions for themselves, help them understand your sexual boundaries and allow you to decide as a couple what sexual behaviors you are comfortable with..

Timing Is Everything

Knowing when to share this information can be really important. Getting naked and then surprising your partner with the talk might make it more difficult to have a clear conversation - for both of you. Bringing up the conversation beforehand may allow you both the space to have an honest conversation. Find a time to talk together when sexual activity is not taking place; let them know about your STD status, stressing that you’re telling them because you care about them, their health and the relationship.

Saying “It”

Once you’ve found a time to talk, the hardest part can actually be just saying, “I have an STD.” Let the person know how you feel about them, and why you feel like it is important for them to know. Then, let them have space for their reaction. This may be hard. Keep in mind that while we can’t control how someone might react to this information, we can have our own support. Having a friend who you can talk to about this beforehand and afterward can be really helpful.

Usually we fear that a partner will respond poorly to the news or reject us altogether. Consider the possibility that your partner will accept you and care about you just as much as before. But, they may have questions about the STD and what it will mean for your relationship.

Knowledge Is Power

Before you disclose your STD status to a partner, it can be really helpful to equip yourself with lots of information so you can answer their questions. You may also want to grab some brochures or print some from websites. If they seem overwhelmed, letting them digest the information at their own pace might help. Their reaction may be similar to your reaction when you first were diagnosed. They may need time. Once you can, talk together about what this means for your relationship including sex. What and when are higher risk activities? What is completely safe? What are they comfortable with? What are you comfortable with? What are the endless possibilities for safe, hot sex?

Remember, some people would rather know a partner has an STD and actively reduce transmission risk, than to have sex with people who don’t know their status. In some ways, knowing the positive status of a partner and being open about risk reduction can be safer than not knowing. But assuming a partner is negative, as many people do when they don’t have these difficult conversations, can hurt both of you in the long run.

Talking about STDs may be frightening, but it’s also sexually healthy. Then you and your partner can get down to the business of Doin’ It Well.

Check us out next week as we explore bisexuality.

Sex 411: Resources on Talking about STDs

Ebel, C. & Wald, A. (2002) Managing Herpes: How to Live and Love with a Chronic STD

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland want to know what you think. Share your thoughts with them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or post a comment at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/