Doin’ It Well

This week, we decided to highlight some things to consider about the power of three, the threesome. Threesomes can be fun, exciting, but also worrisome and delicate. Maybe they seem most exciting because they go against the societal value of monogamy. We want to stay away from cautionary advice about how threesomes can damage a relationship. No one cautions people who get married that their spouse could cheat on them. In threesomes, most people intuitively know the risks involved. But if you are considering a threesome, being equipped with information can ensure the best possible experience.

Finding the Three

When we think of threesomes, the image of two women and a man may come to mind first - probably because this is seen as a common male fantasy. But there are endless possibilities when three people get together to have sex, whether they are three women, (FFF)  two men and a woman (MMF), or any other combination MMM, FFM, etc. In threesomes, there may be established couples, a third, or one of three single people.

The activities of the threesome will depend on the combination of players and what everyone is interested in doing and seeing. Some folks may be very excited about touching, sucking or penetrating (or being touched, sucked, or penetrated by) either men or women. Some may not. Being in a threesome may mean exploring our homophobia and sexual desires, but also means appreciating our boundaries.

Probably the most common way that threesomes take place is when a couple invites a third person into their “bedroom” to join them for sex. This can happen through online dating sites (such as Craig’s List) or an in-person invitation. Threesomes are different from an open marriage, swinging or polyamory (see past Doin’ It Well columns). With threesomes, the sex is usually the focus and the extent of the commitment.

Threesome Fun!

Everyone will have expectations, boundaries, ideas and fantasies for the threesome, and it’s a good idea for all parties to talk about these before the tryst begins.  Successful threesomes require you to communicate what you want and don’t want openly to your partner(s).

To ensure the best threesome possible, talk about it in advance rather than in the moment. Do not decide to engage in a threesome when you’re drunk or high, because this can increase feelings of shame later. Remember, sex should increase positive feelings, not leave us feeling bad! Carefully plan out your threesome and enjoy it sober. You’ll remember all the delicious details!

Two of Three

If a threesome is something you and your partner are interested in, take time in deciding for sure, talking it over and doing research. Threesomes can be great when both partners are genuinely interested, but not-so-great if one partner does it simply to please the other, or out of fear that their partner will break up with them or have sex with someone else anyway.

When thinking of who to invite as a third, be sensitive. Instead of blurting out, “What do you think about a threesome…with your best friend Mike?” talk about the idea first. If your partner is equally interested, ask them who they think would make a nice third. This will allow you both to discuss what/who you might enjoy.

Fantasizing about having a threesome is perfectly normal. Remember, fantasies can be enjoyed without being acted upon. Sometimes talking about the desire for a threesome can bring a couple closer together, whether or not they actually engage in group sex. Talking about what seems exciting about the idea, fantasies, and unmet needs in the relationship can be a path to deeper intimacy.

I’m # 3!

Although we’ve talked a lot about the role of the couple in threesomes, it is also important to talk about the experience of the third (or individual) person in a threesome. Because you’re not part of the couple, you may not have as much opportunity to talk about the experience and what you want. Think ahead of time about what you would like to do and what isn’t okay for you. You can even meet the couple in a public place first to discuss your expectations. You deserve to have your sexual desires fulfilled, too.

Three’s Company or A Crowd?

Being in a threesome can bring up a lot of different feelings. How will you feel about your partner giving or receiving sexual pleasure from another person?  How will you feel if the couple you’re with are more attentive to each other? What might trigger feelings of jealousy in you and how will you handle that? Threesomes can even bring up sexist or homophobic attitudes about men, women, sex, and relationships. Knowing what might come up for you will help you sit back and enjoy the experience better.

Sometimes people are let down by the experience, because threesomes get built up as the ultimate sexual experience. It might be fireworks-fantastic, but it might not. Engaging in a threesome to help solve relationship problems probably won’t work (sex alone rarely solves problems).Trust, love, open communication and respect are necessary relationship characteristics to make threesomes work. Threesomes can be a great option for some couples and a horrible idea for others. But, no one can decide that except you.

Catch us next week as we talk about how to talk with our sexual partners about STDs.

Sex 411

Video: Nina Hartley’s Guide to Threesomes

Cage, D. Threesomes, Fulfill Your Ultimate Fantasy (2006).

Send Kim & Ross an e-mail at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or post a comment on their blog at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

In recent media, there have been references to “furries”, often identifying the furry community as one solely focused on engaging in sex with people in fursuits (animal costumes). Unfortunately, this focus on the sexual aspect of some members of the furry community has ruffled some feathers (Fur isn’t a necessity to be a furry - fish, reptile, and even bird furries exist) Because readers have asked us about furries, we wanted to take a moment to look at the furry community and talk a little about the sexual aspects of the furry world.  

We want to be clear that what we discuss here doesn’t represent all members of the furry community. Just like any community, individual interests and activities vary widely. That said this is our attempt to educate the general public about furries. 

Origins of Furry Fandom

Furries will tell you to just look around to see examples of furry artwork and characters. From Bugs Bunny to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a furry is simply an animal with humanlike characteristics. At the same time, “furry” often refers to someone who is a fan of furry characters. It’s no surprise that the roots of the furry community are closely tied to comic book fans and conventions, with some of the first furry conventions splintering out of large ComicCons.  

Much of the furry community centers around an appreciation of furry artwork, but for some folks, there is a much deeper connection. Some members of the furry community have “fursonas,” animal-identities that they connect with. Fursonas may be lived out online in chat rooms or online game communities (such as Secondlife), or in real life through conventions or other gatherings. Some individuals may not actually live out a different fursona but feel a deep spiritual association with animals (or a specific animal).  

Let’s Talk About Yiff

At the same time, some members of the furry community do infuse sexuality and erotica into furry fandom. “Yiff,” a furry term (said to be the sound of two foxes mating) to mean sex or sexual interest, is frequently used to refer to anything furry and sexual.  Sometimes called “yiff art,” erotic artwork focusing on anthro animals is common online. Many furry conventions have specific exhibits for this artwork. In yiff artwork, anthro animals engage in human-like sexual activities by themselves or with other animals.  

Fursuit Facts

Despite what the media suggests, the sexual world of furries doesn’t necessarily mean wearing a fursuit or engaging in sex if a fursuit is worn. In the online forums or through the yiff art, furries can engage sexually (with or without another furry) without ever leaving home, or putting on a costume. Also, fursuits are usually worn at conventions, parades, fundraisers or other social gatherings that are not sexual in nature.  

Fursuits are generally quite expensive. Although the new vogue in fursuit sex that has been brought about by the media attention has sparked a few cheaper versions, the furry community seems to look down upon these knock-offs. For the furry community, wearing a fursuit is serious business, and - not unlike Disneyworld - you have to act the part and take it seriously. At furry conventions, acting classes for fursuit wearers help them “be” a furry, a role that may or may not include sexual activity.  

Plushies

Although only sort of related, we should also mention the “plushie” community. There may also be some folks who consider themselves “plushies,” though this community does not have to overlap with the furry community. Plushies generally refers to individuals who enjoy collecting small stuffed animals, but some plushies (or plushophiles) may describe their relationship with their stuffed animal as romantic or spiritual. Of course, some individuals may also be sexually intimate with their plush animal. Some plushies may sexually stimulate themselves with their plush toy. For some plushies, this may mean simply rubbing against the animal for arousal, whereas others may create a strategically modified appendage or hole (SMA or SMH).  

The Furry Lifestyle

Although furries can be anyone, estimates suggest that around 85% of furries at conventions are male (though more females may participate in online games & communities). Additionally, gay and bisexual men comprise a larger segment of the furry community than in the general public. Some furries describe themselves as more outgoing when they are in their fursona as opposed to real life. The furry lifestyle may allow more freedom to be oneself via the fursona and the ability to live out the traits we may wish we have.  

There is a notion that furry fans must be sick or perverted people. Not so! Furries can’t be picked out of a crowd, and they aren’t all gazing longingly at Donald Duck. They do share in common an appreciation for and devotion to animals that have human-like characteristics. So before judging the furry community, educate yourself and see what the fur is all about! 

Check us out next week as we explore whether three is really a crowd! 

Sex 411: Furry Lifestyle

WikiFur http://furry.wikia.com

Midwest FurFest 2008 (in Chicago) http://www.furfest.org  

Send Kim and Ross your questions and ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com. Or check out past columns at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/!

Doin’ It Well is a little behind the times with technology, we must admit. Recently, the topic of sexual text messaging, or sexting, came up, and while we were not shocked, we were  surprised to find not only how common it was, but also, how national sources have been discussing the “legal” issues around teens having sext with each other. The quick, cryptic, and semi-private nature of text messaging allows for teasing, flirting, foreplay and more to occur, all on your cell phone! The bulk of the conversations about sexting have focused on the shock and “horror” that teens are talking about sex through their cell phones, the “dangers” that teens and parents need to be aware of and how parents can understand the language of sext. .

There are some important reasons for these discussions.  But it’s also important to note that lots of people use cell phones to be sexually intimate,,and teens talking to each other in code about the taboo topic of sex is definitely not new. The mode of communication has simply changed.  So if you’re well versed in sexting, or you’re new to the game, we want to give you some tips for safe, hot sext.

LF

Sexting can be fun, if both people are into it. As with all sexual behaviors including flirting, make sure the person you are sending a message to wants to receive the message and is participating in-kind. Remember, what might be funny to you, might be offensive to someone else. Sexting is not about harassing someone or shocking them by sending them an offbeat message. If you send someone a sext and they don’t respond, it may be helpful to check in with them later in person (or send a text) asking them if the sext message was OK. There are lots of txt abbreviations out there, and they might not have even been sure what you meant. Just like with email, sexting can be misinterpreted.

ITS

Because we are not communicating in person, it can feel much easier to write acronyms for things like “FMUTA” -something we might never say in person to the receiver. Sexting allows us to behave in ways that we might not ever have the courage to do in person, and it can open the door to some more graphic conversations about sex. On one hand, this means that we don’t feel able to say these things to our partner’s face. On the other hand, part of the sexy in sexting may be the taboo and surprise. It may be a good rule of thumb(s) to ask yourself if you would say what you’re about to sext to the person to their face and what their reaction might be. If you would, and you suspect their response would be positive, type away!

Safer Sext

Sexting can be an excellent safer sex activity. No fluids are exchanged and there is no skin to skin contact! So, if you and your partner are looking for a fun way to reduce your risk for pregnancy and STDs, sext away! Sexting can also be fun for couples in long distance relationships, or as a way to add spice to your sex life, even if you live in the same town.

Remember that just like email, someone can forward a sext you write to someone else.  Make sure you’re having sext with someone you trust.

Sext Offenders?

National news sources have been discussing the recent issues with teens and sext messaging. The legal issue isn’t the actual text messages, but distributing images. When teens share sexually explicit images of themselves or others, this is considered distribution of child pornography. So teens can unwittingly get themselves and even their parents into legal trouble. If you’re into sexting or use your cell phone to communicate with your friends or partner about sex, be careful about sending pictures! Even if the receiver is into seeing them, you could still get into trouble. Plus, a pic sent to one person, could get sent to all your friends, so send wisely.  

MOS/DOS (Mom/Dad Over Shoulder)

Parents, it may be helpful to talk to your teens about sexting, letting them know that while communicating with their friends and partners about sexuality is normal, healthy and a life skill they need to learn, it’s also important they communicate with respect. While encouraging them to communicate in a healthy way about sexuality, it is also helpful to inform your teen about some of the potential consequences if they send sexual images to someone or are harassing them.  If teens don’t learn this from the adults in their lives, they will absorb the values of the larger culture…something we may not want. Although the world of sexting is coded and indirect in many ways, a face to face conversation with your teen can’t ever replace the txt.. 

Stay tuned until next week as we talk about getting hot and heavy - inside an animal suit.

Sext 411: Sext Messages

8: oral sex

Banana: penis

FB: fuck buddy

FMLTWIA: fuck me like the whore I am

FMUTA: fuck me up the ass

GYPO: get your pants off

ILF/MD: I love female/male dominance

ITS: intense text sex

IWSN: I want sex now

J/O: jerking off

Kitty: vagina

LB?W/C: like bondage? Whips or chains

LF: let’s fuck

MPFB: my personal fuck buddy

PRON: porn

Q2C: quick to cum

RUH: are you horny?

TTA: tap that ass

Send Kim & Ross your questions, comments, or suggestions - txt msg style - to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or comment online at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

Recently, Kim ran across an advertisement for “anal bleaching”- applying a cream to the anus so that it more closely matches the surrounding skin tone. This was surprising, even for a sex educator.   We’ve heard about waxing, penile enhancement, and even vaginal reconstruction surgery but for some reason, seeing the ads for anal bleaching to eliminate the “embarrassing” discoloration of your anus when wearing that thong or engaging in anal play seemed to be off the charts, even to us. It got us thinking, does the constant barrage of “your-body-isn’t-good-enough” from the media hurt our sex lives?

Changing our natural bodies in an effort to attract sexual partners or feel good about ourselves is certainly nothing new. Many of us style our hair, wear make-up and deodorant, and select our clothes based on what is flattering or the latest styles. Often, this makes us feel good about ourselves. When we feel good, people take notice of us and we receive the positive reinforcement of others. There is nothing wrong with this feedback loop. But if we feel like we can’t or shouldn’t be sexual because our anus is (naturally) a different color than our butt cheeks, there is a much bigger issue.

Selling Sexy

In order to be “sexy” - and therefore given permission to be sexual - we have to look like and act like the glossy images of magazines. When we see images in the media, these people don’t look like us. Why can’t we love the bodies we have, and be sexual with all our “flaws?” When we never see ourselves fully represented in the “sexy” images around us, this becomes difficult. Some of us do figure out ways to accept our bodies and the bodies of people around us, but it is often without the help of mainstream society.. Are some people afraid to be sexual because of so-called imperfections? Do we close off certain parts of our body, hide them, or limit the things we will engage in and therefore limit potential sexual pleasure because we don’t feel like we measure up?

Making Men

While women have historically been valued more heavily based on their bodies and looks than men, men do not escape the pressures to look perfect. Some men report that they leave their shirt on during sex because of embarrassment over love handles or body hair.  Although men may have different pressures - like being muscular, rather than thin - these may still impact the ways men are able to be sexual and who men feel they have to be.

We need to let go of the quest for perfection not just in ourselves, but in our partners as well. Sex is best enjoyed when both people are comfortable-with each other and with the behaviors they are engaging in. If we’re so insecure about our bodies that we’re focused more on that than what we’re experiencing, we lose out. 

Beauty of It All

Our bodies are what we have, and there is nothing wrong at the root of changing our appearances. Many of us enjoy trying on new looks because it gives us a chance to craft who we are and how others perceive us from a new hairstyle to a newly bleached anus.  But it’s is a delicate process to determine whether we’re changing our appearance for ourselves or because of other pressures. When we change our bodies (increasing our breast size, attempting to lengthen one’s penis, removing hair, coloring our anus, etc.), though, we are saying that there is something about our bodies that isn’t good enough, not for us or for our sexual partners. We might continue to search for some external source to make us feel sexy and sexual rather than experiencing that from within. 

When we think of raw sex with reckless abandon, it happens when both partners are so caught up in desire and passion that they stop worrying about “imperfections” and instead focus on the sheer bliss of how they feel. Sex is enjoyed for the pleasure it provides. That is not to say that passionate sex is perfect-it’s not. People laugh, their bodies make noises, there are fluids and different smells, legs may not be shaven, backs might not be waxed and you might be a size 12 or 24 instead of a size 2. But that’s the beauty of it. So take a break from the products that promise us sexual freedom and instead celebrate the unique, sexy body you already have!

Send Doin’ It Well your comments, ideas, suggestions at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com or read past columns at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/