Yes Means Yes: “Grey Rape” and the Fear of Women’s Sexuality
For Doin’ It Well, this doesn’t seem very “grey.” Yet the article goes on to claim that it is women’s sexual independence which is leaving men and women unclear of sexual boundaries.
If only “grey rape” had remained in the pages of Cosmo! Recently, we have heard high school and college students use this term, usually to minimize the severity of the assault or the responsibility of the perpetrator. Doin’ It Well wanted to take a look at this term, and what messages it might be saying about our sexuality.
What’s In a Name?
“Grey rape” has a familiar ring to it. In the early 90’s, the media coined the term “date rape” to refer to sexual violence committed by a dating partner. When some men began incapacitating women with drugs, the media called these “date rape drugs.” Let’s ignore for the moment that no other crime committed by a dating partner gets labeled in this way. (Imagine: “date larceny”) Qualifying rape as “date” or “grey” means that the act is somehow less serious, not as violent as a “real” rape. We set it apart from the sexual violence that seems most newsworthy, yet is less common: a strange man attacks a woman with extreme physical and sexual violence in a dark alley. All rape is rape, representing both an individual who ignored someone’s lack of consent and an individual who was violated in that moment.
U Call It
The idea of “grey rape” also boils the sexual violence down to an issue of miscommunication. She was being sexual, so how was he supposed to know what her resistance (whether she said “No,” froze up, or even passed out) meant? Legally and morally, we can never just assume that our sexual partner is consenting to everything we might have in mind for ourselves, without some kind of clear communication, verbally or nonverbally. Nor is that presumption an excuse for sexual violence.
Ultimately, it is the victim who gets to define whether or not an act was rape. But most often, survivors do not label sexually coercive experiences (which are legally rape) as rape. Why? Because society and their community usually says that the perpetrator can’t be responsible for the assault, that the survivor shouldn’t have been so “sexually independent,” or that it was just one big misunderstanding. There’s a big difference between regret and rape.
Fictions of Men
Although “grey rape” seems to say little about men, between the lines, it says a lot about men. As the Cosmo article claims, men are supposed to be the aggressors and women the pursued, but the modern-day rules leaves men uncertain of boundaries. Ross talks with men about how these ideas should be found offensive by most men. Not only is it saying that men are too self-centered to recognize their partner’s wishes, but also that men’s violence is natural and normal. Without women saying no loudly enough, men are doomed to rape? Men should question these ideas that try to excuse men’s violence by saying that men couldn’t help themselves. Men who rape are making a choice to rape.
No Means No
“Grey rape” suggests that it’s just too impossible to know what “no” looks like. Here are some of our suggestions in case you’re wondering what might count as “no.”
- “No”
- “I’m not ready”
- Too high or intoxicated to understand
- Passed out
- Sleeping
- Crying
- Pushing away
- Not answering when asked “are you into this?” or “does this feel good?”
Of course there are many other ways that someone may communicate that they are not consenting. Because consent means a “yes” from both people, we all have a responsibility to check in with our partners. It doesn’t have to be awkward; it can be sexy and comfortable . But it also means we must listen to what our partner is telling us both verbally and non-verbally.
Yes Means Yes
Rightly so, the anti-rape movement has spent a lot of time talking about what non-consent looks like. At the same time, if we’re going to take rape seriously, we also need to take women’s sexuality seriously. We can’t focus on “no,” without also understanding “yes.” We all – male, female, & trans – have the right to say “yes” to sex we want and enjoy.
Everyone has the right to initiate sexual activity and have limits around sexual behaviors that are heard, acknowledged and respected. We need to create an environment in which women have the safety to explore and experiment sexually, without fear of their limits being ignored or being called a “tease.” Healthy sexuality is about mutuality. It’s up to all of us to ensure that we are promoting a sexually healthy community! Ignoring someone’s consent is not Doin’ It Well. It’s rape, and there’s nothing “grey” about it.
Stay tuned until next week as we discuss Artists Against AIDS.
Sex 411: S-E-X-Oh!
Teatro Luna’s S-E-X-Oh!, an exciting play about Latina sexuality and experiences.
Saturday, April 19th at 7pm
Room 134 Temple Buell Hall
611 E. Loredo Taft Dr., Ch.
Free!
Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Write to them at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com
