Doin’ It Well

Plenty of folks enjoy and find pleasure in anal sex. And while people may think that only gay men engage in anal play, about 25% of heterosexual adults have experimented with anal sex and so have lesbians and transgender folks, too.

The world of mainstream pornography however, tells us another story. In the spirit of reclaiming anal sex, Doin’ It Well thinks we should examine the ways that anal sex in porn can be detrimental not only to the folks who consume it, but to all of our sexualities.

Backdoor Action

Anal action might sell because anal sex is taboo. But if we look closely at porn, we are being sold something more than taboo sex and fantasy. In the world of porn, most women like and want to be anally penetrated, often by more than one man at a time. While we don’t have studies to prove it, based on our work with folks, we’re pretty sure this isn’t true. Male viewers may falsely believe that most women want anal sex (with enough coaxing), and can leave women feeling like there is something wrong with them if they don’t like or want anal sex.

That’s the tricky thing about porn. Taboo fantasies are not wrong. But mainstream porn is filled with misinformation and can normalize things that aren’t really that common. In the absence of other resources on anal sex, this may lead people to believe that what they are watching is what sexuality should and does look like for most folks.

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

Some experts claim that it is ridiculous to presume that people don’t know the difference between what they see on TV and what happens in real life. But both of us have seen and heard the opposite. We’ve heard questions, misinformation, confusion and people being dumbfounded by things they saw - and believed - due to porn. When in a safe space where we can ask people if they learned this misinformation from porn, men and women alike answer, “Yes! It’s not true?” Considering that the average age of first time consumption of online pornography is 11 while at the same time, accurate sex education is missing in lots of schools, homes and churches, it’s surprising we’re managing to have good sex at all!

Lies My Porn Taught Me

One of the things porn misinforms us about anal sex is how it happens.  Pleasurable anal sex for either a man or woman is slow, involves lots of lube, and - particularly for first-timers - receiving partners should control the speed & depth of thrusting. Like any sex, good anal sex is consensual, safe, and partners check in with each other to ensure pleasure. That’s not to say that seasoned folks don’t like anal sex to be fast and deep. But mainstream porn, the porn that most folks watch, provides us with only one variation of anal sex: fast, hard, and violent.

Porn normalizes not only how often anal sex takes place but also tells us that anal sex is violent, not pleasurable. How should you treat your partner’s body? Porn tells us that their “asshole” should be “packed, torn, ripped, slammed, and pounded until pink and puffy.”  We’re not making this up. If you rent a porn video or access porn online, check out the language they use to describe anal sex. How did anal pleasure turn into anal “torture?”  And what turns us on about rectums that are “blown out and in need of diapers?”  That is not hot sex and is not how anal sex actually happens in real life, at least not between caring, intimate partners who are concerned about mutual pleasure and good sex.

Taking Porn Seriously

Many men say they just watch porn for a laugh or simply to get off, that it doesn’t affect their lives. But Kim has heard men say to her that because they want to give their partners enormous amounts of pleasure, they don’t understand why their partners don’t like anal sex. In some ways, this makes sense because the porn industry sells men the idea that this is what women (and gay men) enjoy, and it tells women that this is what they should enjoy and endure for their partner’s pleasure.

The vast porn market is targets men, mostly marketed towards heterosexual men. What’s interesting is that in pornography designed and produced for the female market by directors like Candida Royalle, anal sex is rarely shown, unless it is a “specialty” video about anal pleasure. Nowhere in mainstream pornography - which is produced by and marketed to straight men - is anal sex referred to as “pleasure.” It’s referred to as torture.

We can change this! We play a role in making sexuality and its natural expression wonderful for everyone, women and men alike. We can do this by taking porn seriously. Whether we challenge the porn industry by throwing out porn “collections” or making decisions about the porn we do consume, we can begin by choosing images that show people engaged in sexual acts that (at least) represent mutuality and pleasure.  

Pick Doin’ It Well up next week as we explore the T in LGBT.

Sex 411: Examining Mainstream Porn

Find this column interesting? Kim & Ross will be discussing pornography more in depth during their presentation:
“Who Wants to Be a Porn Star?”

Feb. 25^th at 7pm

Room 112 Gregory Hall, 810 S. Wright St., Urbana

*Must be 18 years of age

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are experts in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Send them your comments, ideas, and questions to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com