Doin’ It Well

Last week Doin’ It Well compared the sex most people have with the media representations of sexual activity. If we believe what we see and read, it seems like everyone everywhere is having all sorts of sex, all the time. At the same time, we know that the most frequent complaint of those seeking sex therapy services is “low sexual desire.” But what does this mean? Low desire compared to whom? A partner? Media representations of how often people think about and engage in sex? Porn stars? Friends?

Not Enough or Too Much?

Levels of sexual desire are in many ways socially constructed. Given the constant inundation of sexual messages we receive, it’s hard to have an objective reality of how much sex is “enough.” Because of this, people often ask, “How often should we be having sex?”  Unfortunately, there are no clear cut answers, and as you can imagine, it depends on the person, their relationship, and life circumstances. Unfortunately, both men and women who fall below this arbitrary level of desire are sometimes accused of being a prude, rigid, controlling, not attracted to their partners, or even cheating on them.

Recently, a sex “expert’ on a talk show authoritatively placed (his own arbitrary) figures on how much sex was enough and how much was too much. Remember that sexual issues, particularly sexual desire, are very complex.  The best person to serve as an expert on how much sex is too little, too much or just enough is you!

Simply put, sexual desire is the motivational factors that lead people to seek sexual activity. Partners often enter relationships believing that their levels of sexual desire will always match. This doesn’t usually happen - especially the longer the relationship endures. A person’s sexual desire ebbs and flows throughout their lives. The not-so-simple side of sexual desire is that lots of factors influence our sex seeking behaviors.

Why So Low?

Low sexual desire is defined as a decrease in or complete absence of sexual fantasies, thoughts and desire to engage in sexual activity either with a partner or alone.

For both men and women, things such as relationship and intimacy satisfaction, aging, stress, fatigue, sexual dysfunctions (or worries about them), sexual satisfaction, psychological factors like anxiety or depression ,the medications used to treat them, or other medical issues can all affect levels of sexual desire.

When determining low desire, it’s important to look at how much distress it causes the individual and their relationship.  All people have varying levels of desire and often in relationships the problem is not low desire, but a desire discrepancy between partners that is causing strain; one person wants sex when the other doesn’t.  

In long term relationships, sexual desire can wax and wane. This doesn’t mean that a relationship is doomed. At the same time, relationship problems - especially in long term commitments - can decrease our desire for sexual intimacy with our partners.

Wanting to Want

People who experience low sexual desire often state “I want to want to have sex, but I don’t.” To examine and address low desire,  couples first have to tease out all the possible factors that are influencing it, and try to make them better. For example, if a person is not sexually satisfied because they are not experiencing orgasm consistently, it makes sense that they might not desire sex. Or, a person may be confused because they are no longer driven to seek sex based on spontaneous feelings of being “horny” (which usually subsides with age and time).

In addition, the factors that influence the desire for sex may look different for men and women. Research shows that women may not seek sex due to a physiological sense of sexual hunger, but may be more influenced by relationship factors not directly associated with sex. At the same time, men may experience low desire based on a number of factors, but feel pressured to have or initiate sex to prove love and attraction to their partners.

Usually both partners have a role in one partner’s “low desire” and so both play a part in addressing the problem. Increasing communication, emotional intimacy, and erotic stimulation (including non-genital sexual touching) can all help build a sex life that is satisfying to both partners, while understanding that it is OK if one person wants sex more or less often than the other. Redefining sex to include all forms of sexual intimacy can broaden a couple’s approach to what “sex” is, and how often they engage in it.

Sex 411: Desiring Support?

A sex therapist can help couples explore issues that feel most salient to their relationship and sexual response.  This can deepen their understanding of their own and their partner’s sexuality, allowing them to more fully enjoy their sex lives, whether or not that leads to an increase in the frequency of sex. Check out http://www.aasect.org/ to find a sex therapist in your area.

Stay tuned to Doin’ It Well next week as we look at how men think about sex.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. They love when readers suggest topics for their column! Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com