Doin’ It Well

Maxim says it’s not hot enough. Cosmo promises 10 ways to drive your man wild. Men’s Health tells you what women really want in bed. . Most magazines feature articles telling you (at least those of you who are straight) how to do it better, implying that the sex you currently have isn’t good enough. It seems like everyone has something to say about your sex life, including Doin’ It Well.!

The challenge becomes sorting through all those messages to have the sex that you want while also realizing that most people do not have, on a regular basis, the great, amazing, mind-blowing sex that the media portrays and promises. How can we value the good sex we are having, without pressuring ourselves into attempting the “great” sex that we’re being promised?

Performance Anxiety

There’s a lot of truth to the term “sexual performance.” But when women or men worry about how they’re performing sexually, it isn’t usually for them personally, but for how they believe their partner(s) want them to behave. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to perform well sexually, but in the act of performing, sex becomes about the act, appearance and the outcome, rather than the emotions, sensations, and pleasure..

Sex Shows

As we’ve mentioned in previous columns, some of our ideas about how sex should look or feel comes from our peers, families, and sexual partners, but a whole bunch of those ideas come from the media outlets around us. Whether in box-office movies or pornography, we see sex defined as penetrative, with very little communication between partners, generally heterosexual, and between two “attractive” people. These can give us an opportunity to see what sex could look like, but it doesn’t necessarily represent the kind of sex most people are having or actually enjoy.

Men and women are portrayed sexually in very specific ways in the media. The man is both stoic and in charge. He’s not expected to scream, moan, or flail about in the throes of orgasm; he does it and supposedly creates pleasure in his sexual partner. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be coy, but sexually experienced and expressive, enjoying whatever the man wants to do to them. We don’t see many examples of women describing to their partners what they would enjoy sexually. As you might imagine, this leaves real women and men comparing themselves to sex that doesn’t look very much like the sex they are actually having. If the movies are the “real” performance, then the sex that real people have may feel more like the blooper reel. In addition, LGBT folks have very few outlets from which to learn what good sex looks like, and many of the same gender stereotypes (and unrealistic and unhealthy sex) are portrayed in queer porn.

Good Enough

Part of the challenge is to sift through these messages to enjoy the real sex we are having, instead of trying to always make it “better.” This may feel more vulnerable; sometimes focusing on sexual performance is a convenient way to avoid true intimacy. Feeling free to explore what feels good and be real with our sexual partners can be scary at first, but it also opens up a whole new world of “good enough” sex, without fear about fitting a certain physical or sexual standard, and instead, having fun.

Because we’ve been told so much about how our sexual lives should look, this can take some time. Give yourself permission to explore your sexuality slowly, figuring out what good sex looks like for you-what things you would like to experience or explore. Don’t dismiss your ideas if they don’t match what you’ve been told good sex “should be” or “could be.”

Communication

Your partner is also a product of the same forces that have told you how sex should look. Talking together about the pressures to have “mind-blowing” sex can be a good way to build intimacy and celebrate the good sex that you are having.

Talking with your sexual partner is an important step, but it may also shake up your partner’s ideas for what sex should look like, too. For example, Ross worked with a college man who confessed that he began trying to communicate more with his partner about sex. His girlfriend, frustrated, asked him to “Just do it!” Her frustration may have been at his struggles to communicate in ways that didn’t “ruin the mood,” but it also challenged the ways they had previously had sex. She didn’t want to have to talk about what she liked; it was more comfortable for her if they both just assumed their roles as sexual performers.

Be patient with each other as you explore and celebrate the good sex you have.

Remember, good enough sex can be really, really good. Don’t let anyone, not even Doin’ It Well, tell you that the sex that you’re having isn’t good enough. In fact, it’s probably great.

Stay tuned next week as Doin’ It Well explores low sexual desire.

Sex 411: Enjoying the sex you have

Klein, M. (2002) Beyond Orgasm: Dare to be Honest About the Sex You Really Want

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com