Doin' It Well

Typically when we’re engaged in conversations about prostitution or the “sex trade industry” people often state that if women wouldn’t sell themselves, prostitution wouldn’t be a problem, relationships wouldn’t be “wrecked”, STI’s wouldn’t be spread, and the prostitutes themselves wouldn’t be harassed, beaten, or murdered.

Rather than focusing on the prostitute, Doin’ It Well thinks it’s important to focus on the men who buy sex, why they do it, and what it would look like to “reduce the demand” for the purchase of sex. This week begins a two part series on reducing the demand for purchased sex.  While we know that women, men, trans-persons and children are trafficked into the sex industry, we will be looking at men purchasing sex from women, as this dominates the trade.

The Oldest Profession?

It’s easy to believe that the sex trade industry represents mutually satisfying sex between consensual adults that is simply available for trade.  Unfortunately, we know that many women in the industry experience violence, whether that takes the form of harassment of strippers, sexual violence of porn “stars” or prostitutes being murdered. This violent underside of sex trade is certainly not what the industry markets to us, or wants us to see, but it does exist.

In addition to violence, trafficking women and purchasing them for sex affects the way that men and women view all women. It socializes us to believe that women are for sale for the sexual pleasure of men; we simply have to name the price.

Reducing the demand for paid sex would ultimately benefit us all. But it’s a very complex subject. We can’t ignore the factors that support the supply-demand of the sex trade industry.

The Trick Behind the Trick

Reducing the demand for prostitution is tricky; any criticism of the sex industry must also support the individuals within that industry who need the money to survive.  We are not attempting to know what is good for women, or which decisions they should make. We are also not suggesting that all women are forced into the sex industry (although we know that many are, whether due to abuse, a substance addiction, homelessness, being sold by a family member or recruited by a pimp, or other economic conditions) and the decision to enter into sex work is no doubt complex. So, we have to support these women and their choices while also challenging the way the industry and the “johns” may harm them.

Just a John

The first part in reducing the demand for purchased sex is to focus on the demand, not the supply side of this complex economic trade. Targeting the men who buy sex is a way to examine why the demand exists in the first place.

Think of the way we describe men who buy women for sex. The term “john” describes an everyday sort of guy. It is average, nameless, and not derogatory.  It describes a man you might know: your brother, father, friend. “Johns” are from all economic levels, communities, and backgrounds. On the other hand, we give very descriptive, often punitive, names to women who sell sex, from “sex trade worker” to “whore.” Although the industry is built upon “johns” and their money, they are both invisible and anonymous.  

Many women in the sex trade industry experience violence perpetrated by Johns. The vast majority of the individuals who buy sex are men and - if we are to promote safe, healthy, mutual sex for everyone - we need to address the johns directly.

Taking Johns Seriously

Prostitution may say something about the prostitute, but it says even more about the men who buy sex. To reduce the demand, we have to take johns – and the industry – seriously.

This may mean also looking seriously at the “john culture” that encourages us to purchase and consume women’s bodies. Are we a john when we expect sex when we pay for a date? If we go to a strip club?  If we purchase sexual images (porn)? By focusing on the demand – rather than the choices of the women in the industry – it opens up a larger discussion about why we feel that we can buy women, rather than blaming women in the sex industry for an industry that they didn’t create.

When we believe that we can buy some women for sex, it impacts how we see all women. Whether we’re expecting sex because we paid for a date, or buy women’s bodies through porn, thinking about the woman as a whole, real person is imperative.  It changes the sexual experience; it forces us to recognize that the woman we have purchased is just as human as we are.

Next week will continue our two part series to address “johns” more in depth and how to further reduce the demand through increased empathy.

Sex 411: Addressing the Demand

• Chicago Alliance Against Sexual Exploitation - www.caase.org

  • $pread Magazine - www.spreadmagazine.org

  •  But you put syrup on that!

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Our thanks goes out to our faithful reader, BP, who let us know that people get struck in the crotch with a whiffle ball bat, not a “waffle” bat, as we mistyped in “All About Balls” (8/9/07). Our apologies to all of our confused readers.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Write to them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com.

What's the big deal?
People have various reactions to the thought of having sex in public. For some, it's the ultimate fantasy, for others sex is viewed as something private and therefore should be done at home behind closed doors.

Sex in public can be exciting for some people simply because it's seen as "wrong" or taboo. The arousal that we experience during moments of danger or fear can feel similar to, or add to, sexual arousal. Other people may experience a rush of excitement due to the possibility of being seen or caught.

Having sex in public is a common fantasy and can include anything from rubbing your partner's thigh or genitals under the table at a restaurant, to having intercourse in the Morrow Plots. Whether it's the thrill of being watched or caught, or because you don't have a private place to go (roommates), there are some things you should know to keep public sex hot and safe.

Come prepared
It can be really exciting to suddenly realize that both you and your partner want to have sex, and that doing so in public would add to the thrill. Planning ahead can make it all the better. Talk to your partner about your fantasy to make sure they too want to expose that side of themselves. Public sex is not for everyone and pressuring a partner who is reluctant is not cool.

Think of it as an impromptu sex picnic: Bring a backpack with a blanket, condoms and lube. Wear clothing that can easily be pulled down or off and put back on again quickly. Having public sex at night will help you go unnoticed.

On the other hand, a poorly thought-out plan can be a disaster. Coming home after a night out to find your roommate home and then having sex in the resident hall lounge is almost guaranteed to end in a bust that neither you nor your partner may be prepared for. In addition, sloppy sex is rarely hot and deciding to hook up on the quad when both you and your partner are drunk may not seem as "spontaneous" and "fun" the next day when it's featured in the Booze News. Keep public sex sober, safe and always consensual.

Private Eyes … Are Watching You …
Some people enjoy sex in public because there is a chance that someone might see them. Keep in mind, those people might have cameras, might be police officers or, worse, might be minors.

Some people may enjoy the voyeurism of watching people having sex, and it might add spice to their own sex lives. At the same time, you and your partner may not be prepared for your lovemaking to appear on YouTube. Be aware of who's around when getting down in public. Aside from possibly taking pictures or filming you, those who can see you might not share in your fantasy of exhibitionism. It's hard to tell, so consider the consequences. You might offend them. They might call the police.

Most states (and campuses) have laws against indecent exposure, public lewdness and trespassing. If you get caught by a police office or a Resident Advisor you might get into trouble. Part of the thrill of public sex is the idea that you might get caught. Actually getting caught or, worse, arrested usually dampens the mood you've created.

Although part of the thrill may be getting caught, public sex should not be about forcing other people to watch you. This crosses the line from sexy to creepy very quickly, and it's frankly disrespectful of other people's rights to NOT see you exposing yourself or having sex. Also, never, ever have sex in an area where children might see you. This is abusive and, for good reasons, illegal. Whether it is your roommate or an innocent bystander, think how your romp may affect others before you get it on.

Keep It Clean, Folks
Most people who see condoms or condom wrappers on the ground think "Gross!" Here at Doin' it Well, we think, "Awesome! They were safe! Except, they littered." Picking up after you have sex will ensure that you don't ruin the public hot spots for the rest of us and it'll help the environment, too. Kindly throw away your condoms when you're done.

Sex 411  Public Thrills

• Stimulate your partner manually or orally while they are driving (get permission first)
• Pull into a rest area, or off a dirt road and get it on the backseat
• Have sex in a public restroom on a city street that has one way windows-you can see out but no one can see in!
• Try it on the balcony of your apartment
• At home, pull up the blinds. You can leave the lights off, or increase the thrill (at night) by turning them on.

  Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. E-mail them your favorite places for public sex at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

You've saved your money. You went to the shop. You may have even shopped around and compared. You've finally selected the toy that's right for you. When you bring it home, it even has that new toy smell. But how can you make sure that your sex toy will last?

Whether it is a dildo, a vibrator, anal beads, a butt plug, or something else, your sex toy deserves to be well cared for. The better you care for it, the longer it lasts, and the more fun you can have with it.

Before You Drive
Before you jump right into bed, check for any cracks or manufacturer defects. If it is battery operated/electric, make sure that the mechanical parts are in working order. As you may imagine, you're not likely to be able to return a used toy.

There are several different materials that sex toys are made from. Silicone, plastic, glass, acrylic, rubber/latex, jelly, or synthetic skin (which has a variety of brand names) are used to make a variety of your toys. When you buy your toy, note what material it is made out of.

Riding Safely
As you take your new toy for a spin, you might find that you'd like to share it with friends or even use it on different parts of your body. If you are going to use a toy with a partner, or use a toy both anally and vaginally (or orally), using a new condom (or a latex glove on larger toys) can both minimize clean-up and wear and tear on your toy, but it also helps you decrease the risk of transmitting STIs or other infections to yourself or your partners.

Wax On
When using your toy, knowing what kind of lube to use is important. Water-based lubricant, which is widely available, can be used on any toy. If your toy is made of rubber, latex, "jelly," or any synthetic skin or you are using a condom, you should avoid using oil-based or petroleum jelly lubricants, as these will wear away the latex. Also, silicone based lubricants should not be used on silicone toys or with synthetic skin materials because using these together can cause wear to the toy over time.

Wash Me!
To know the best way to clean your toys, it helps to know the toy's material and whether or not it is mechanical. If your toy has mechanical parts, don't submerge it or get water inside.

Silicone, glass, and acrylic toys (without mechanical parts) can be placed in boiling water for a couple of minutes to sterilize, or use your dishwasher. Plastic, rubber/latex, and jelly materials can be cleaned with warm water and antibacterial soap, and rinsed thoroughly. Because rubber and jelly are more porous, be sure to wash thoroughly. Synthetic skin toys should also be washed in warm (not hot) water with soap. Avoid harsh detergents or bleach, as they will wear down the toy faster, not to mention that they'll be touching some very sensitive body parts!

There are also products specifically for cleaning sex toys. ForPlay Adult Toy Cleaner is a mild detergent with Nonoxynol-9 (a sperm killing chemical). Also, Afterglow Toy Tissues are disposable moist cloths with rubbing alcohol and aloe, for cleaning off your toy or yourself. Soap and baby wipes may do the trick just as well.

Synthetic skin should be powdered with the "renewing powder" they come with, or cornstarch, to keep their silky feel. Don't use talc or baby powder, because this may cause infection or other problems.

Ride Hard and Put Away ...
After you've washed and dried (to avoid mildew) your toy, finding the right place to store it is important.

Storing your toys in special bags may work, but be sure that the bags won't leech dye onto your toy. We were giving a presentation and the phallus for the condom demonstration had been stored in a small bag, which caused a bizarre tie-dye effect all over the phallus. Unless you're looking to create a whole new look with your toys, T-shirts and underwear are great to wrap your toys in. They will keep them dry and dust-free, and they probably won't stain your toys.

If your toy has batteries, be sure to remove the batteries before putting it away. This will help the batteries and the toy last longer, and it will reduce corrosion in your toy.

Know When to Say "New"
Sadly, there is always a time when you must say goodbye. If your toy has cracks, mildew, mechanical problems, or corrosion from batteries, it is probably time to find yourself a new toy, and begin the fun all over again.

Sex 411: Making Your Toys Last

•Use lube that is appropriate for your toy's material
•Clean your toys thoroughly and gently.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sex education and violence prevention. E-mail them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

BELOW THE BELT
We know that balls are where sperm cells are produced. However, most of what we know about men's balls is that if they get hit, men double over in pain. Think of every episode of America's Funniest Home Videos you've ever seen; it isn't funny until someone gets a waffle bat to the crotch. Because of this, some might be reluctant to touch the balls, even for pleasure. This is unfortunate because many men enjoy their scrotum being held, tugged, massaged, licked or pulled during sexual encounters. It's also unfortunate because there is so much more to learn about balls than how sensitive they are.

BALL BASICS
Most men have two testicles located in the scrotum, the sack of skin that contains the testicles (although men only need one testicle to be fertile and to have a normal sex drive). One testicle, or "ball," is usually bigger and hangs lower than the other. On the top and back of the testicles you will be able to feel the epididymis, a soft, cord-like structure that stores and transports sperm. This might feel like a lump and might be tender to touch or pressure. The skin that makes up a man's scrotum, or ball-sack, starts out as the same tissue that would have turned into the lips of the vulva for a female during prenatal development. Men and women really aren't that different ­- we all started out pretty much the same. 

A male's balls actually form inside his abdomen, and don't descend to outside of the body until a month or two before birth. For about 3.5 percent of boys, one of the testicles can remain "undescended" at birth, but it usually descends on its own. For those that don't, surgical intervention is usually prescribed.

Balls hang lower than the body because sperm like air conditioning; they need to be cooler than the body's core temperature. But when a man becomes cold, the testicles will lift closer to the body to moderate the temperature for the sensitive sperm. The testicles also lift and swell when a man is sexually excited.

SCROTAL STIMULATION
Adding ball stimulation can bring variety to your sex life and possibly open the door for new pleasurable sensations you haven't had before. The balls can provide sexual pleasure, but it may be less intense and more subtle than pleasure from the penis. Experiment during masturbation with holding, rubbing, caressing, or tugging your balls. You may find it feels quite nice. Or, you might not like it at all. If you do like it, you can suggest to your partner(s) that they include stimulating your scrotum during oral, vaginal or anal sex, or you could do this yourself, too. You might try different positions that allow your partner to have better access to your balls. Or you might find you like oral stimulation of the scrotum better than manual touch. Keep in mind that for partners who don't have testicles, more guidance might be needed to know what feels good versus unpleasant.

AM I BLUE?
Blue balls, also known as pelvic congestion, occurs when blood and fluid flow into the pelvic area and remain there, increasing "tension." As sexual stimulation without orgasm is prolonged, the fluids may remain in the area, causing discomfort or pain. The sensation usually dissipates in a short while, but masturbation, massaging the testicles, lying down, or even heavy lifting can help return blood flow and alleviate the sensation faster. But don't buy the hype: experiencing blue balls is not debilitating, and there are many ways other than partner sex that men can relieve the sensation.

Women get blue ovaries, too, sort of. Women also experience pelvic congestion, as blood may engorge the pelvic area, which may result in heaviness or discomfort during sexual stimulation without orgasm.

TAKE YOUR BALLS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS!
Once a month, or every 3,000 strokes (whichever comes first), a man should check his balls for lumps or abnormalities that could be a sign of testicular cancer. A partner can also check your balls while performing oral sex, for example. Although testicular cancer only accounts for 1% of all cancers in men, it is the top cancer killer for men in their 20s and 30s. Check early, check often. When found early, ball problems are very treatable - 90 percent are curable.

A Testicular Self-Exam is best performed by a guy (or his partner) after he has showered or taken a hot bath. This makes the testicles hang lower from the body, allowing a man or his partner to notice any abnormalities. It takes balls to see a doctor for some men, but if you have any questions or notice anything unusual, it's both ballsy and smart. 
 

SEX 411

For diagrams and more information about testicular self exams and health, check out:

• http://www.teenwire.com/
• http://www.mckinley.uiuc.edu/
• http://www.cancer.org/

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the field of sexuality and violence prevention. E-mail them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

This past spring, we facilitated a workshop to a group of college-aged men about drunk sex. We asked the men to create a list of the qualities of "good sex." One group drew stick-pictures of a man having "doggy-style" sex with a large-breasted woman and a list of qualities such as "handcuffs" and "rough." The other group made a list of items that included "mutual," "consent," "foreplay," and "orgasms for everyone." The first group laughed and poked at each other while they generated their list. The second group pondered their answers in a more somber way.

Later in the workshop, we asked them about the generation of their lists, and whether that was the type of sex that they believed their peers were having. Both groups said no. When asked how they can work for the type of sex they want, one member insightfully said that the way he often jokes with his friends about sex makes it difficult to have an honest conversation with other guys about the topic.

Sometimes in our workshop, groups of men create something more like a grocery list than a list of qualities of good sex. These lists usually include whipped cream, strenuous sexual positions, and the physical characteristics of a well-endowed (female) partner. When men in the group add words like "mutual," they are made fun of. It is clear that men don't often have a forum in which to talk openly with other men about good sex. Good sex that, by their own admittance, they want but aren't having!

Men supposedly think about and talk about sex all the time. But we wonder whether guys are really being honest with each other when they talk about it, and when we ask men, they say they aren't! Because of this, men are susceptible to receive misinformation from each other.  Society sets men up for this, and plays a role in the messages they receive and therefore internalize.

For example, men are told (sold) that they are supposed to know what they are talking about when it comes to sex. The media tells them that they should possess incredible sexual endurance, be well-endowed, and innately know what goes where. Part of pretending to know everything about sex also means filling the conversation with jokes-jokes that help us not to be accountable in the event our lack of knowledge is evident (aw, man, I was just kidding).

At the same time, it's really vulnerable to talk about our sexual desires and questions with anyone, whether a partner or close friend. Vulnerability isn't a celebrated male trait and talking about sex reveals a more vulnerable side. It may be easier to joke about the outrageous than talk about the serious.

We believe that men lose out when they buy into this way of relating to each other. They miss a valuable place to share real information. Rather than focusing on conquests or specific sex acts, conversations could be about sharing sexual feelings, experiences, questions and frustrations with each other.  This dismantles the front that men may have to put on for each other, and their sexual partners.

We read an article recently that spoke about a man who had been put in charge of his best friend's bachelor party. He wanted to create an environment where the men could celebrate their male bond and the impending wedding. But he didn't want to recreate the stereotype of a sexist bachelor party; he insisted that he would not hire a stripper. But what would be fun about that?

Determined to change this perception, he invited the men together for a party, but instead of talking about sex while focusing on a stripper or porn, he started talking with his friends about what he had hoped for the party, what they liked about their sexual experiences with partners, what they themselves enjoyed sexually, and even what their feelings were about sex and sexuality. Now that's outrageous sex talk! And, the men had a great time.

Women and gay men often have conversations about sexuality with each other while straight men are left out of the loop when it comes to these important conversations, to their detriment. How can men combat the fear of being labeled "soft" "gay" or "a wuss" and start having conversations that many men crave and from which all men would benefit? After our workshops with men, they overwhelmingly agree that it was nice to be able to talk seriously about sex with other guys, an opportunity they rarely have.

Sex 4-1-1: Calling all men: talk to your friends about sex! (They want you to).

• Take the challenge: host a sex party that involves conversations between men about sex & sexuality, without a focus on women or pornography.
• Show other men this article and ask them what they think
• Get a group of men together and have them brainstorm a list of qualities of "good sex" and then talk about your lists

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Hey guys, email us at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com