Doin’ It Well

Silence in the Courtroom
Recently you may have heard about the judge in Lincoln, Neb. who allowed a defense motion to ban the words “rape,” “sexual assault,” “victim” and “assailant” in a sexual assault trial that took place this year. The judge ordered the victim and prosecutors not to use these words, along with “sexual assault kit” and “sexual assault nurse.” The defense lawyer in the case stated that these words needed to be restricted in order to keep the trial fair. Instead, the alleged victim was allowed to use the words “sex” or “intercourse” to describe the assault.

What the F?

Can you imagine a murder trial at which the words murder, beaten, strangled, bludgeoned to death, or killed were not permitted? Of course not, because this would be ridiculous.

What does this have to do with our sex column? It led us to think about whose voices are silenced and whose are not, especially when it comes to sex.

Silence in the Classroom
For example, in our country there is no standardized curriculum of sex education to give young people the information and skills they need to become sexually healthy adults. Most states do have guidelines that say abstinence should be taught. School districts can go above and beyond the state guidelines and teach abstinence and pregnancy and STI prevention methods, but most schools do not.

Additionally, many schools limit the language that can be used in sex education. Locally, rape prevention educators are frequently discouraged from saying “sexual assault” because they can’t say the word “sex” in school.

And in those schools that do provide “really good” sex education, students receive, perhaps, a whole semester of sex ed. A whole semester. That’s what, 15 weeks, maybe an hour a week to prepare young people to understand sexuality?

There’s no consistent policy for sex education in this country. Saying the words “sex,” “condom” or “vagina” might, after all, ruin the minds of our youth.

The Loudest Voice
On the other hand, pornography, which has proliferated the Internet, is filled with Web pages that anyone can access with the click of a button. These pages promise to tell us everything that our parents, schools, friends and partners can’t. The real deal. This is a very different story about sex from what we learn in school.

Youth (and adults) crave information to help them understand what is happening and to make sense of their sexual desires and feelings. As young people are developing, and become - in a very healthy way - interested in sex and what sexuality means, they can find a host of information on the Internet to show them exactly what this country thinks of sex and how sex looks. It’s the most accessible form of sex education available today in this country.

What does it tell us? According to mainstream online pornography, sex is violent, mean, degrading (mostly towards women), doesn’t take place within any kind of relational context, and is focused on genital pleasure (of men). When we look at the language, we find that sex is racist, that women are “whores and sluts,” and men, simply “cocks.” It shows boys that their penises are weapons used to pound, slam, rip, kill, torture and bang women, all for the women’s pleasure. Because in the world of pornography this is what women love.

Makes us wanna holler
We live in a society that doesn’t allow words like “sexual assault” to enter a courtroom because it might make a sexual assault trial “unfair.” In the classroom, we restrict words like vagina, penis, sexual intercourse, sex, condom, emergency contraception and abortion because students might get the wrong impression about what our values are and what we’re teaching them about sex. We want to ensure that courtrooms are “fair” and that the minds of jurors are not tainted by hearing these words, therefore resulting in an unjust trial. To the contrary, it seems very clear where society’s values lie.

What the Fuck?

So in our society, certain voices are allowed to speak for us, to tell us what sex is and isn’t. Our concern is that very few people seem to raise their voices when rape victims are silenced in the courtroom or when sex ed is silenced in classroom, but we shy away from silencing what porn screams at us.
Good sex means sex on our own terms, and it means access to positive, healthy, accurate information about sex and sexuality. And this takes OUR voices. So scream, yell, moan, or holler, but most of all, make your voice heard.

Sex 411: Speaking Up, Speaking Out
• Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment: www.pavingtheway.net
• Illinois Campaign for Responsible Sex Ed: www.responsiblesexed.org

Kim Rice & Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sex education and violence prevention. E-mail them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Sex doesn’t come with a manual. Anal sex - penetration of the anus/rectum by a penis or phallus - can be especially tricky to figure out. For some obvious (and some not-so-obvious) reasons, anal sex requires planning, communication, practice and etiquette. Never fear: Doin’ It Well is here!

Although we often associate anal sex with gay sex, not all gay men have anal sex. In fact, many opposite sex and lesbian couples engage in anal sex play. However, anal sex has some particular terminology within the gay subculture. For instance, a “top” is the term given to the person who is penetrating the “bottom.” This should be pretty self-explanatory. Although someone may prefer to give or receive anal sex, these are often fluid and flexible roles. A self-proclaimed top may enjoy bottoming and vice-versa.

Anal anatomy

The anus is the entry to the rectum; it’s about two inches long and surrounded by two rings of muscles: the external sphincter and the internal sphincter. The external sphincter can be controlled at will, whereas the internal sphincter is an involuntary muscle. The rectum is the canal inside the body and is about eight inches in length. The rectum is able to expand, like the anus or vagina. There are lots of nerve endings around the anus, and for some people, the anus is an erogenous zone that responds to sexual touch. Because the anus doesn’t produce lubrication like the vagina, it is important to use lots of lube to minimize tearing and to always wear a condom.

Shitty bottom

The primary bodily function of the anus/rectum is to expel fecal matter. Everybody poops, right? Generally, the rectum is not a place where feces are stored before expulsion, but some fecal matter will remain in the rectum and on or around the anus. Certainly, anal sex can stir up some fecal matter. However, if a partner has not cleaned themselves beforehand or expelled their bowels, it is not only messy, it is inconsiderate. No one wants a shitty bottom! So here are some tips for keeping your bottom clean.

Wash behind

First, be sure to clear your bowels. This may also mean avoiding foods that may produce diarrhea. After that, the easy answer is to just use your hands. One recommended method is to lightly soap a washcloth, and insert the washcloth with two fingers into the rectum. You do not have to use a lot of scrubbing for cleaning internally, and avoid using harsh soaps or shampoo. Remember to pay attention to both the inside of the anus/rectum and also to the outside. For individuals with a lot of pubic hair, you could be storing last week’s corn-on-the-cob. Wash well.

Enema mine

Another popular way to clean the rectum is the enema. Enemas are basically fluid inserted into the anus, which triggers a bowel movement. Commercial enemas have a chemical that reacts in the rectum, but an enema bag simply uses water to create the same reaction (and it is more environmentally friendly). Enemas are usually used to relieve constipation, and the instructions frequently suggest to “hold” the enema inside briefly by contracting the anal sphincter. Our sources suggest that for a simple cleaning, it is not necessary to retain the fluid in the rectum, but to simply insert and release (leading some people to term this “douching”). Holding the fluid may produce unfortunate and ill-timed bowel movements. Give yourself a few hours before engaging in anal sex, and also be sure to wash externally.

Be careful about over-using enemas; overuse cause your body to lose important fluids, which can create a chemical imbalance. Pay attention to your fluids, and consult your doctor.

Don’t even go there

There may be moments when, although you may wish to engage in anal sex, the timing is just not right. Only you can prevent shitty bottoms! We’ve heard a lot of clever one-liners to communicate to a partner that now is not the right time, but our favorite is, “I’m saving that for marriage.” Whatever you tell your partner, drawing a boundary can make everyone a little happier. Just because it isn’t the right time for anal intercourse doesn’t mean that the night is over.

Safer and cleaner!

As always, it is important to use a condom to help prevent the spread of STIs, including HIV/AIDS. But during anal sex, condoms also allow for an easier clean-up process. Safe and clean! Now there’s a safer sex message we can all stand, er … behind.

Sex 411: Anal Sex Resources

-Teenwire: www.teenwire.org - Excellent resources for teens with questions.
-Morin: Anal pleasure and health

Thanks to Jesse Pierce for his invaluable assistance to this column.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sex education and violence prevention. E-mail them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Making Babies

Last week, we started discussing the joys of sex while pregnant. As we said, pregnancy doesn’t mean the end of sex. Sex during pregnancy is normal, but the ways in which others begin talking with pregnant people about their sex lives at times seems a little strange.

Consider the ways we talk about sex when a couple is trying to get, or has become, pregnant. Normal, kind people who would never dream of asking about your sex life suddenly ask how often you are “trying” or “did you try long?” A curtain seems to drop, and casual acquaintances feel like they have permission to inquire about the specifics of your sex life. In addition, it seems that when a woman is pregnant, everyone around her begins to feel more comfortable sharing information about their own sex life, as in “my husband and I tried for two years.” 

Keep in mind that these conversations often take place in public, in a meeting at work, at the grocery store, in front of parents and grandparents and with people the pregnant couple may barely know.  

It’s a dramatic split from the usual ways we (don’t) talk about sex. Either you’re having sex for your own pleasure and it’s not discussed, or you’re having sex towards the “noble” end of reproducing and everybody’s talking about it, even if you don’t want them to be. This is another example of the beliefs we hold about sex and sexuality as being taboo, shameful, and wrong, unless new life is involved. This seems weird to us, considering what we know:  most people who have sex are not trying to conceive.

Madonna’s a Whore?

Pregnant women and their partners may struggle with what pregnancy means about their sex life, and their sexuality - all the ways that they see themselves as sexual beings. Non-pregnant partners may be very aware that they are being sexual with a sweet, dear mother of a child. For pregnant couples, both partners may need to talk about their ideas about motherhood, parenthood, and the ways in which their view of themselves and their partner as sexual beings may be changing.

There must be something very taboo about sex with a pregnant woman, because a whole fetish exists around this behavior.  It may speak to the ways in which we need to compartmentalize women and their sexuality.  Women, over here, can be sweet and motherly.  Women, over there can be sexy and whorish. But, these women cannot exist together in our minds. This is bullshit.

Being sexy only because of one small part of who you are can leave the pregnant woman feeling like less of a person. Pregnant women, like all women, sometimes feel sexy and sexual. At other times they don’t.  The important piece is that a pregnant woman’s sexual allure is part of her whole person.

Hot Mama

Happily, many people find their pregnant partners to be very sexy and are attracted to them in a new way. Perhaps this is because a pregnant woman is a sign of fertility or because of the promise of something new, but feelings of love and excitement about the new baby and toward a partner may appear. These feelings of closeness & connection by both partners can lead to really great sex.

But pregnant women may not be internalizing a sense of sexiness or have a picture of the “great fertile mother,” and she might begin to feel self conscious about her body. It’s important to talk about these feelings with your partner to get the reassurance you may need.

Fears

Sometimes, fears - not necessarily related to sex - can leak into the bedroom undetected and unnoticed.  There’s an awful lot of pressure especially for first time parents. Fears about inadequacy as a parent can become generalized and internalized in a way that can then affect a person’s confidence and comfort in the bedroom.

Sex during pregnancy can also bring up a lot of values and beliefs people have in general about sex. Some people think it’s inappropriate to have sex “in front of the baby.”  Trust us; the unborn baby can’t see what you’re doing. But, the baby does probably have a sense of how good the mom feels and when mom feels good, baby feels good.

Even if you’re already pregnant, keep on tryin’!

We Will Not Misspell the Former Surgeon General’s Name

We will not misspell the former surgeon general’s name.

We will not misspell the former surgeon general’s name.

Dr. Joycelyn Elders was the surgeon general under President Clinton. Don’t be like us. Spell it correctly! 

Sex 411: Pleasurable Readings for Pregnant Women and their Partners

• Margot, Herman, & Robino - The Pregnant Couple’s guide to Sex, Romance, and Intimacy
• Semans & Winks - The Mother’s Guide to Sex
• Westheimer & Grunebaum: Dr. Ruth’s Pregnancy Guide for Couples

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

In The Family Way

Most people have sex for pleasure and intimacy, not to get pregnant. Said another way, the majority of the time that people engage in sex, it is not to create new life. So it makes sense that once a pregnancy is established, sex will continue. And well it should.

We want to state from the onset that we recognize that all pregnancies are unique and all situations different. While it’s perfectly safe for healthy women to have sex and experience orgasm throughout her pregnancies, each woman and/or couple should consult with her doctor or midwife about any questions she has about sex during pregnancy.  A doctor or midwife will tell you if you should avoid sex for any reason due to your pregnancy.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

The main thing to keep in mind for sex during pregnancy is the woman’s comfort. In fact, either partner may not want to have sex during certain times of pregnancy.  Particularly during the first trimester when a woman may experience increased fatigue, morning sickness or nausea throughout the day, breast tenderness, and changing hormone levels, sex may not feel like a “fun” activity.  Sleep and not throwing up might take priority over sex.  But all women and pregnancies are different. Some women may feel great during their first trimester and may feel very horny and interested in sex.

In the second trimester, many women experience an increase in energy and sexual desire. Morning sickness may go away, and in general, a woman may become more used to being pregnant as well as to her changing body. Also, during the second trimester the vagina becomes more engorged and vaginal lubrication increases. As a result, many women report being more easily aroused and enjoy sex a lot more during this time.

What Goes Where

Sex during pregnancy allows intimate partners to explore different sexual positions and additional ways to experience both emotional and sexual intimacy.  As a woman’s body grows during pregnancy, partners will need to explore more ways, beyond the traditional “missionary position,” of giving and experiencing pleasure, because weight on the woman’s abdomen may become uncomfortable. Also, according to pregnancy books, pregnant women are instructed not to lie on their backs after 16 weeks, as it may affect blood circulation. Intimate partners can try lying side by side, either facing each other or not while stimulation or penetration occurs.  A rear entry position where the woman is on her knees can also be comfortable and pleasurable. In addition, sex with the woman on top allows her to control the depth and speed of penetration without the weight of her partner causing discomfort.

And remember, penetration isn’t all there is to sex! Massage, kissing, mutual masturbation, using sex toys and oral sex are all options during pregnancy as well. The sex you have during pregnancy may not look like the sex you had before pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean it can’t feel good.

Face Value

Sometimes as intimate partners experiment with these positions, they may worry that intimacy may be lost, particularly if they are not facing each other. This is a valid concern, and talking with your partner is important to make sure you are feeling as connected as you want to be. Any sexual position can increase intimacy, love and connection, as long as both partners are able to talk openly so expectations and needs can be met.

Non-Pregnant Partners

Keep in mind that the non-pregnant partner is also going through emotional changes during pregnancy and they can affect his or her feelings about and interest in sex. For example, in straight relationships, a man may have difficulty handling the idea of the sweet, mother figure versus that of a more sexual image of his partner. This “Madonna-Whore” complex can be difficult to navigate.  Whether they are in same- or opposite-gender couples, people are just now getting used to their new roles and those of their partners and can experience fears about parenting that may affect their sexual desire or performance. Communication is as important as ever during pregnancy, especially when it comes to sex. 

Oh, baby!

Most pregnancy books have a section that addresses sex. One warning you may read: intimate partners should be careful not to blow into the vagina, because this can lead to dangerous air embolisms. Again, consult your doctor or midwife with any questions you have. Sex is like other activities during pregnancy, and some precautions should be taken. But don’t worry; sex during pregnancy is very normal and safe. Be smart, be creative, and have fun.

Sex 411: Being Safe

Condoms aren’t just for pregnancy prevention. Contracting an STI during pregnancy can be harmful either to the pregnancy or to the baby. If your current partner has a known STI - like herpes - or if you have a new sexual partner during pregnancy, make sure to use condoms during sex.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com