Doin’ It Well

I was wondering if we could read about some techniques for masturbation (and for keeping one’s mind excited years into it) in honor of the month.
Thanks!

T.

Dear T.,

Excellent suggestion! For those of you who missed our May 17^th column, May is international masturbation month. Here are some easy to follow tips to help you celebrate!

I’m okay, You’re okay

There’s a huge misperception that masturbation is only for single people. Actually, some research shows that those in relationships masturbate more often than single folks.  So whether coupled or single, touching yourself for pleasure is always in vogue. It allows us to experience sexual pleasure and relaxation, even when a partner is not available, does not desire sex or cannot have sex. 

Process vs. Outcome

When we’re younger, masturbation may be more focused on reaching orgasm, perhaps as quickly as possible. This may be due to the new sexual feelings we are experiencing or worry that someone will interrupt us. As we become more experienced self lovers, we can take the time to really get into the experience of self pleasuring without a focus on a quick orgasm. “Teasing” yourself and delaying orgasm may heighten the overall enjoyment of self love and create more intense orgasms. One way to keep the flame of desire burning bright is to add variety. In fact, masturbating can actually help to keep sexual desire afloat. The more we think about sex and experience sexual pleasure, the more we desire sex, both emotionally and physically. The more often blood flows to the genitals, the more our bodies “remember” the feeling of being turned on, which makes us more readily able to respond sexually.

So take your time and enjoy the sexual pleasure and sensations, noting which sensations are new, which ones you really enjoy, and what you might like to explore next time. Think about what kind of experience you’d like to have with yourself and then have it! One day you may want to slowly make love to yourself. The next time you may want a quickie for pure, sexual release. Later, you may want to experience wild, erotic love with yourself. The options are as endless as your fantasies.

Women: A Hands-On Approach

Many women state that they rarely fantasize about sex or sexual things. Developing fantasies that turn you on are the foremost way to get aroused. As many women know, you can stimulate your clitoris all day long, but without thinking sexual thoughts, pleasure - especially orgasm - will be hard to come by.

Although, women have been taught that the key to masturbation is using a vibrator, vibrators aren’t necessary. While many women do enjoy pleasure using sex toys, women can use their fingers to stimulate their clitoris or can insert them into the vagina. Learning how you like to be touched by your fingers may help you communicate with a partner how they can use their fingers to excite you. We question why men aren’t taught the same thing-that they need some outside source or inanimate object to turn them on.

Of course we have nothing against sex toys, and vibrators can allow a woman to sit back and enjoy stimulation without much work.  Vibrators and dildos are also good for women who want to experience penetration, or who are interested in exploring their G-spot, or anus/rectum.

Men: The Entire Package

You have more than a penis!  The focus for men during masturbation is usually stroking the penis to orgasm, and reaching orgasm rather quickly.  But men have sensitive nerve endings in many other places. Slow down and explore other parts of your body. Include stimulating your testicles during self loving, along with your perineum (the skin between your testicles & anus).  Don’t forget other parts of your body as well. You may want to try stimulating your nipples while masturbating, or rubbing other areas that feel good.

Also, many men enjoy rectal stimulation, and you may want to explore what it feels like to stimulate the outside of the rectum or anus. To experience this on your own, buy a vibrator or butt plug. Make sure to use lots of lube and go slowly!

Got a partner? Masturbate with them!

A great way to enhance intimacy and to learn about each other sexually is to masturbate with your partner. Many people get freaked out by the idea of stimulating themselves in front of their partners, but seeing a partner excite themselves can be a real turn on. It may be helpful to get used to this idea by lying next to your partner while you both masturbate, so the focus isn’t solely on one person. Showing your partner how you touch yourself for pleasure can teach them how you like to be stimulated.

Sex 411

• Cornog: The Big Book of Masturbation (2003)

Kim Rice & Ross Wantland are professionals in the field of sexuality & violence prevention. Email them your suggestions for future columns at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Kim and Ross,

I wanted to take some time to respond to a couple of points you made in your columns during April. … [A]s you said in your first installment, “there are still some myths about survivors that impact how survivors may view themselves as well as how others may view them.” It is in the spirit of continuing to address these myths that I write you today.

[Your column said,] “Doin’ It Well would like to dedicate this column to the powerful, resilient and amazing survivors and the people who love them!” First things first, survivors do not need to be coddled. The misfortune of being a victim of sexual violence does not make someone powerful, resilient and/or amazing. The fact of sexual abuse in my past does not make me amazing. … These empty kudos to survivors come off as condescending and fail to address the complexity of the trauma experience.

I appreciate what you both do and look forward to more Doin’ It Well in the future.

Best, AK 

Dear AK,

First, thank you for taking the time to write us. We wish that more readers would take the time to provide their perspective on our column. Remember, the e-mail address is buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com!

Second, we really appreciated your feedback on language that may feel patronizing for survivors of sexual violence. Our intent was not to “coddle” survivors, but we understand how it may feel that way. Although we have both have a lot of experience working in the sexual violence prevention field, this doesn’t mean that we have everything figured out. Moreover, your feedback is helpful, as it allows us to see how our support of survivors may feel insincere. When we said that survivors are “amazing,” we were thinking about survivors we know, rather than one generic survivor.

 Isn’t That Special?

The point that AK raises is an excellent one; survivors do receive some “special” treatment by people and institutions around them. Perhaps this is fair; survivors of sexual violence have experienced something which may feel traumatic, and certainly impacts them in some way. However, the treatment survivors experience frequently tends to be “feast or famine,” a faulty empowerment or a disbelieving blame. If those are our only two options (which they’re not), we aren’t sure which we’d prefer.

On the other hand, it isn’t fair to treat survivors differently. Sexual violence is unwanted by the survivor, which means that it should say a whole lot more about the perpetrator of that violence than about the survivor. Being an ally to someone who has experienced sexual violence means recognizing that they may be affected in many ways, while also waiting for the survivor to define those effects for themselves.

Falling Down

We expect survivors to crumble, to collapse. As Vanessa Veselka says in Bitch magazine, “A violated woman is expected to fall apart, and not just privately, either; she must disintegrate publicly, in front of friends, in front of professionals, in front of Starbucks. It satiates our craving for arena-style pathos.” Society – including the past ten years of television – has provided us with numerous examples of what a “good victim” should look like. She should be pure, and she should be profoundly affected.

This creates a story about what rape or other forms of sexual violence should look like and, as AK suggests, fails to address the complexity of survivors’ experiences. Moreover, it negates “other” stories that fall outside of this norm such as survivors who maintain a relationship with the perpetrator, survivors who refuse to label themselves as “survivors,” or survivors who work in the sex industry. Each of these survivors’ stories makes sense on its own terms, but our belief in a helpless, weak survivor limits the ways that we can celebrate the strength of all survivors.

Surviving

In some ways, this mirrors the shift in language we’ve seen in the rape crisis movement. The term “victim” has been replaced with “survivor,” to move from a passive experience of the violence to a more active resistance to the violence. But when the language of “survivor” becomes simple PC jargon that we use because we “should” rather than because we genuinely believe it, it can become a hollow kudos to survivors. Several survivors we have worked with have at various points in time labeled themselves as “victims,” “survivors,” or even refused to label the experience as sexual violence. We have to be careful not to take control away from the survivor further by labeling the experience for them.

Allies in Healing

Being an ally means working alongside, not working on behalf of, survivors. This can be awkward at times, but it is also critical that we listen to survivors in our lives, survivors who may be amazing – not simply because they are survivors, but because they are.

Sex 411:

The title and many of the points herein are inspired by “The Collapsible Woman” by Vanessa Veselka, which can be found in Bitchfest: Ten Years of Cultural Criticism from the Pages of Bitch Magazine.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the field of sexuality and violence prevention. Write to them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Re-writing the story of Onan

In 1716 a pamphlet was published called “Onania.” This text revealed the “heinous sin of self pollution” and outlined many dangerous consequences of masturbation. Cures were offered for purchase (skeptical yet?).  That led the notable Swiss physician Samuel-Auguste Tissot to publish L’Onanisme in 1760, which was his personal medical treatise on the ill-effects of masturbation .While most of us can look back on this and see the complete ignorance behind this work, it represents a major moment in the history of masturbatory madness: A doctor pronounced that it’s bad for you.

Lend Me a Hand

In the late 1800’s the electric vibrator was developed and used by doctors to help treat “hysteria” in women. It was thought that women needed a release of sexual tension-which was thought to be the cause of their hysteria. When vibrators starting popping up in early porn flicks, doctors no longer favored this treatment. Keep in mind, doctors didn’t state that they were providing orgasms to women or masturbating them (neither women nor their doctors identified it in this way).

We wonder if any of those doctors mentioned to women that they could get the same “release” of tension by stimulating their clitoris with their own hand…at home. That would mean they would have had to tell women they could get the same cure the doctor gave them, only it would then be called masturbation! 

Anti Masturbatory Inventions:

It’s a miracle that masturbation survived the late 1800s and early 1900’s. It was during this time that the US Patent office approved patents for anti-masturbatory devices. People were frightened about the mental illness, blindness, poor health and the evil that masturbation would produce (remember, a doctor had told them so). It was also the time that both Corn Flakes & Graham Crackers were developed as part of a bland diet, to prevent masturbation in boys. Patents were provided for chastity belts and spiked metal rings that would inflict pain during an erection.  This was an excellent way to capitalize on the ignorance of people who knew little about their own bodies. Too bad they didn’t recognize the larger market:  girls masturbate too!

And along came Ellis & Kinsey

Thank Goodness!

In 1897 Ellis published: Studies in the Psychology of Sex, which questioned Tissot’s work and, happlily named famous men of the era who masturbated.  With the help of other recent physicians, it also set out to disprove each of the claimed diseases that masturbation supposedly caused.  

However, it was Kinsey’s groundbreaking research on human sexual behavior of males & females that provided with the general public with a much needed shift in the way we viewed masturbation.  His work revealed that masturbation was popular - very popular in fact - and possibly the most common sexual behavior.

A Call to Action (for women!)

Considered by many the “grandmother” of masturbation, Betty Dodson published two groundbreaking works:  Liberating Masturbation (1974) and Sex for One (1986). Still classics in the field, these books gave women the permission and freedom to touch themselves for pleasure and to enjoy every wonderful moment of it!

The Madness Continues

In 1994 Dr. Jocelyn Elders was asked about the potential of masturbation being included in comprehensive sex education in schools. Her response? “I think that is something that is a part of human sexuality and it’s a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”  Dr. Elders was in no way suggesting that specific techniques should be taught, but rather that masturbation should be taught as being healthy, normal and a part of human sexuality.  As we know, she was promptly fired by President Bill Clinton for her comment.

And that led activists from the Good Vibrations sex toy store in San Francisco to rally with others to establish May as Masturbation Month! According to Good Vibrations: “We started National Masturbation Month to raise awareness, and because we wanted to highlight the importance of masturbation for nearly everyone: it’s safe, it’s healthy, it’s free, it’s pleasurable and it helps people get to know their bodies and their sexual responses.” They even host a Masturbation-A-Thon fundraiser to raise money for sexual health organizations!  Check out their website at www.goodvibes.com to learn more or participate!

Sex 411:  Learn more about masturbation

• Laqueur: Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation
• Cornog: The Big Book of Masturbation
• Mains: The Technology of Orgasm: Hysteria, the Vibrator and Women’s Sexual Satisfaction

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the field of sexuality and violence prevention. Write to them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Kim and Ross,

I read with interest your “Sex 411: Women’s Sexual Bill of Rights.” I was wondering if a woman has the right to grow larger… and still deserve sex. I lost 100lbs to get down to a size 6 and was traditionally pretty when my boyfriend-to-be first asked me out. We soon had a good exclusive sex life, but after about six months I started to gain weight back. My boyfriend constantly told me to get smaller again to be sexy, but the weight crept on. Finally he told me he did not enjoy sex with me because I was a fat woman, so I broke up with him, since I felt hopeless about losing the weight.

I would like to hear your comments on whether this is abusive behavior by a man towards a woman, or if it is just good sense, since medically we should all be thin? I haven’t gone out with a man in two years since I feel I don’t deserve a sex life–and perhaps cannot even get a sex life–as a larger woman of size 18.

Thanks for any information you can give me, or give to others in your column.

Yours sincerely,

Staying Large

Dear Staying Large,

The quick answer is yes, you deserve to be sexual and sexy at any size! And no one has the right to tell you to change. Unfortunately, we are taught that our bodies are only worth something if they match what society deems attractive: thin, tall, well-endowed. And very few of us meet that standard. Consequently, we wind up forced to love our bodies (and our partners’ bodies) in spite of the messages we are surrounded by, rather than with the support of positive messages. This is especially true for people of size. Once categorized as overweight or “fat,” we often begin to believe the lies that society has told us: that we’re unhealthy, lazy, that we’re unworthy of sexual attention, or that fat people are fat because they’re afraid of sexual intimacy.

As we have discussed in past columns, women are often expected to express their sexuality for the benefit and pleasure of men, rather than for the pleasure and satisfaction it brings themselves. We shouldn’t rob ourselves, or let society rob us of our sexuality and our right to full, passionate, sexual expression! That applies to partners as well. Not being attracted to someone is not abusive, but calling them names, being derogatory and threatening to break up with them if they don’t look or act a certain way, definitely is! Good for you for ending a relationship with someone who did not appreciate the woman you are; the full, whole, beautiful, sexual woman you are!

Staying Healthy

Deciding to lose weight is between you and your doctor or nutritionist. Each circumstance is different. Some “fat” people are very healthy. Some thin people are very unhealthy. It doesn’t sound like your previous partner had your health in mind when asking you to lose weight. Instead it sounds like he was thinking about his own sexual satisfaction. Nor does it sound like he approached the subject in a loving way. Only you should decide whether or not to alter your body, and you should only do so because it feels good to you, not to make someone else happy or satisfied.

Shame Shame

Research in sexuality has shown that self-image and body shame play a greater role than body size on a person’s sexual satisfaction. This means that the way you think and feel about your body, regardless of what the scale or the tag in your jeans reads, is more important in determining sexual satisfaction. Unfortunately we don’t see women of size portrayed in the media as being very sexually expressive, “sexy” or satisfied. As Hanne Blank says in Big, Big Love, “If you go by what you see in the media or read in most porn… fat people simply cease to exist when it comes to sex.” We can easily imagine what this invisibility does for self-image and therefore the sexual satisfaction we each deserve. What a loss! Changing these erroneous ideas about ourselves and others is the first step to reclaiming sexual satisfaction and expression at every size.

Loving me, Loving You

Too often we are expected to change our bodies for the pleasure of our partners, rather than expecting our partners to change their attitudes about our bodies. People of every size deserve sexual pleasure and satisfaction, and very much deserve to be with people who share this view.

Sex 411

For additional reading check out:

Blank: Big, Big Love: A sourcebook on sex for people of size

Dear Doin’ It Well:

I was reading a reply to someone asking about cock rings. I have a question about them, … I was born with Klinefelter’s Syndrome, and while I’m lucky enough to have a good sex drive, I do notice as I age things in the erection dept. are starting to wane. I have an average size penis, but my balls are, well, the size of a hummingbird egg, and my scrotum is very small as well.

Most cock rings do not work; there are no balls to grab a hold of for the rings. I was wondering if there are any cock rings that will just go over the base of the shaft of the cock and work just as well? Do they make rings that small or am I looking for the wrong-named product?

Me and my gal were at an adult store and a store clerk heard my problem, and said that possibly if I start to do ball/scrotum stretching, a cock ring would have something to hold onto. Though he said the process was long and at times painful. So here I am looking for advice, can’t realy go and ask most folks this, as its quite humiliating.

Dear reader,

Thanks for the awesome question! For readers who do not know, Klinefelter’s is a genetic condition in which a baby boy is born with an extra X chromosome, so instead of the XY configuration, he has XXY. About 1 in 500 to 1 in 1,000 babies are born with an extra X chromosome, although most people do not realize they have this condition, as it does not necessarily present any noticeable “symptoms.” But some people with Klinefelter’s do experience smaller penis or scrotum size, less facial and body hair or overdeveloped breasts.

To answer your question: Yes, cock rings can be worn around the base of the penis only, and there are rings that are adjustable to fit snuggly around the shaft. One style cock ring is a cyberskin “tube” that you can simply stretch and “tie” around your penis, tucking or trimming the remainder of the tubing to get the desired fit. Another variety is a silicone or rubber cock ring that is adjustable. Again, this can be worn on the penis only, and can be pulled tight.

Getting Crafty

Leather cock rings have snaps to allow users to adjust the size. If you want it tighter than the snaps will allow, simply head to a craft store, buy some snaps and superglue, and add additional snaps to the leather! While we’re on the topic of do-it-yourself cock rings, here’s a bit of advice: if making a cock ring at home, make sure the material is at least a half of an inch in width. Smaller strings, rubber, etc., can cause damage to the skin and the capillaries of the penis or may cut into the skin! Save yourself the pain; buy a cock ring that can be adjusted to meet your needs.

Erectile Difficulties:

Sometimes folks use cock rings and other devices as a way to address erectile difficulties. Keep in mind, the erection problems you mention may or may not have anything to do with Klinefelter’s. There may be other reasons - and therefore other solutions - for erectile problems. Sometimes lower testosterone production may impact erections; talk with your doctor to explore if testosterone replacement is something that might be an option.

Of course, lots of other things could be causing the erection problems, and you mention that you have noticed this as you age. It may be helpful to think about whether this has started to happen recently or has been on-going, if you experience erection difficulties during masturbation or if erections are more difficult to get and maintain in some situations but not others. Paying attention to when, where and with whom these difficulties surface can help you see patterns and seek solutions.

Problems with erections can be hormonal, physical, emotional, interpersonal or a combination of all these dimensions. Sometimes it can be difficult to tease out all the contributing factors. You may want to ask your doctor about a referral to someone who specializes in sexual difficulties who can suggest alternative ways to address erection problems before you attempt the long, painful process of stretching your scrotal sack.

Sex 411 Resources for Erectile Difficulties:

• University students: Talk to your primary care provider at McKinley, or make an appointment with Kim Rice, the sexual health educator.
• Birch Tree Counseling Center: 217-398-0744.
• Sex Therapist Tom Niebur ( Bloomington, Ill. ): 309-451-2910
• Metz & McCarthy: Coping with Erectile Dysfunction

Survivors of sexual violence may find flashbacks triggered especially during sex. And some have to deal with the duality involved with dissociation from the current sexual experience and experiencing flashbacks from past sexual trauma. Flashbacks and dissociation help a person survive the abuse and its aftermath; at the same time, these experiences may feel very out of control in the present.

Dissociation is a very adaptive way to “leave” a traumatic situation, even if one cannot get away physically. It is the act of emotionally and psychologically splitting away from a situation because it is psychologically unbearable . . However, many people who dissociate may find that they are not always in control of when or where they “leave.” Sexual intimacy becomes a time that can be especially fraught with dissociation. During consensual sex, survivors may find themselves floating away, making a grocery list, or just not being present.

Flashbacks, on the other hand, are intrusive memories – whether experienced through touch, smell, taste, or sight – that in some way replay the abuse. Whereas dissociation is a way to temporarily remove oneself from the abuse, flashbacks are the body’s way of remembering and sorting through the traumatic memories

These intrusive memories may jolt a survivor back to a traumatic event. Although they are obviously frightening, flashbacks serve a crucial role in the healing process: they help the survivor remember and integrate the trauma. At the same time, these flashbacks don’t feel very helpful if they are interrupting our day-to-day lives. For sexual abuse and rape survivors, sex can become especially complicated due to some of these reactions.

Staying Grounded

Although dissociation and flashbacks seem different, both are experienced as a temporary departure from the here and now, so it becomes very important to stay grounded. For many survivors and their sexual partners, this may be as simple as reminding them where they are, who they are with, and what is going on in the present.

What is it like?

Sometimes reflection can be helpful so survivors can begin to chart their dissociation or flashbacks. Afterward, ask yourself how did it feel when it began to happen? How did your body change? Your breathing? What was the trigger this time? What did you tell yourself when you went away? These are usually not easy questions, but by being gentle with yourself, you may discover there are patterns to this experience.

Body Work

Because dissociation and flashbacks involve many physical responses, being mindful of bodily movement can be very helpful. By yourself, you can begin to pay attention to how your body feels: your arms, your legs, your breath. As you pay attention, you may begin to center yourself. With a partner, you might find that paying attention to each other’s bodies helps to build trust. This body work can be sexual, but because survivors may have been told that they are only good for sex, it can be important that this touch not be solely focused on sexual pleasure.

Masturbate!

For many survivors, the ability to be sexual for their own gratification has often been robbed from them. Masturbation can be a wonderful – and sometimes terrifying – way to reclaim your own sexual pleasure. Remember, masturbation doesn’t just mean paying attention to your genitals, and it doesn’t have to end in orgasm. It is a self-loving way to get to know your own body.

Access Support

Talking with a therapist who has knowledge and experience in trauma and who can also address issues of sexuality after trauma can be very helpful for survivors. Support groups for survivors also serve as a powerful venue to talk about common struggles, including sexuality. Healing is more than a possibility; it is a powerful and strengthening process. Accessing support, paying attention to our needs and desires, and working with our sexual partners to have positive, present sex lives - that is the real radical work.

Sex 411: Additional Resources on Sexual Healing

• Bass and Davis: The Courage to Heal
• Haines: The Survivor’s Guide to Sex
• Maltz: The Sexual Healing Journey
• Rape Crisis Services 217-355-5203 (24hr hotline)