Friday, April 20, 2007

I Will Survive: Sexual Violence in the LGBT Community

Research shows that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender folks experience sexual violence at equal or greater rates to heterosexuals. Unfortunately, due to a culture of homophobia (the irrational fear and hatred of LGBT people), LGBT survivors may have difficulty finding support they need.

Homophobia and ignorance have led to misinformation and misunderstandings about sexual violence against LGBT folks. So when LGBT people do access support, they may be met with police officers, health care workers or counselors who may believe, for example, that rape always involves penetration by a penis and if there is no penis involved, sexual violence cannot take place. Even worse, the assumption of heterosexuality (or gender normality for trans folks) from these institutions may render LGBT survivors' experiences invisible.

This is unfortunate for all of us, because sometimes members of the LGBT community also hold onto the myths they have learned from the larger society. We hope to dispel some myths and offer support to the LGBT community and their allies in honor of both Sexual Assault Awareness Month and LGBT Awareness Days.

A broader view: sexual violence

According to Illinois law, sexual assault is defined as any type of sexual penetration which involves force or threat of force. This law is gender neutral, meaning that victims or perpetrators can be of any gender.

But moving away from a strictly legal definition, sexual violence can take many forms and may be very confusing for a survivor to identify. For LGBT people, perpetrators may use the threat of "outing" them to friends, family, or work to force them to have sex. The survivors may stop fighting, but this is not the same as consent.

Sexual harassment is also a form of sexual violence that sometimes gets overlooked, particularly when it applies to LGBT people. Derogatory statements about a person's sexual orientation (whether accurate or not) not only create a homophobic environment, but are also - unfortunately - a socially accepted form of sexual violence.

Sexual Violence as a Hate Crime

Sexual violence as a hate crime is more common for LGBT people than it is for other marginalized groups. Perpetrators may use rape or another form of sexual violence as a way to punish LGBT people for their perceived sexual "transgressions." To address sexual violence within the LGBT community, we must work to change the cultural climate that makes this violence acceptable.

It's Not Just "Drama"

We have both heard examples of sexual or domestic violence in the LGBT community being referred to as "drama." Just like straight people, LGBT people can experience sexual violence within their intimate relationships. For example, 15 percent of men living with a male intimate partner report being raped, assaulted or stalked by a male cohabitant. And marginalization of LGBT folks can pose a significant barrier to seeking help from supportive services, criminal justice systems and alternative housing. Because of myths about (the lack of) violence within LGBT relationships, people who should be supportive may instead disbelieve or minimize violence or blame survivors for it, simply because they do not want to believe it could happen. Not only does this hurt the survivor, but this ultimately excuses the behavior of the perpetrator, leaving everyone more vulnerable.

In addition, LGBT people experience childhood sexual abuse just like non LGBT people. Because of the myth that abuse "caused" them to be gay, lesbian, bi or trans, LGBT folks may be more reluctant to begin the healing process they deserve. As Dorothy Allison, lesbian author and survivor of childhood sexual abuse, says, "If people really believed that rape made lesbians, and brutal fathers made dykes, wouldn't they be more eager to do something about it?" Healing from violence is difficult enough, without someone calling your sexual orientation into question based on the abuse.

Anti-LGBT Violence in an Anti-LGBT World

When addressing violence against LGBT individuals, it is important to remember that this violence does not occur in a vacuum. The structures that ignore or condemn LGBT people make this violence especially likely. If our society doesn't see LGBT folks as fully human, it becomes much easier to perpetrate violence against them. Rather than placing the blame upon the LGBT community, we have to examine the ways in which everyone - LGBT and straight folks - allows and encourages this violence through homophobic slurs and discrimination. When anyone is targeted because of their sexuality, we are all harmed.

Sex 411

Challenge the myths that surround sexual violence

Show support to the LGBT community and fight homophobia.

Attend LGBT Awareness Days events. See the calendar at http://www.odos.uiuc.edu/lgbt/

Educate yourself on sexual violence against LGBT individuals.

  • Girshick: Woman to Woman Sexual Violence
  • Scarce: Male on Male Rape
  • National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs: www.ncavp.org
  • Gender Public Advisory Coalition: www.gpac.org 
Posted by Kim Rice & Ross Wantland at 09:08:40 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

For one and for all! mutually satisfying, pleasurable, good sex

Sexual consent means being able to freely and comfortably choose which sexual activities one wants to engage in. It seems like a pretty easy concept, right? Yet the lines of consent often get blurred.  Although an easy concept, the reality is that not everyone gets consent when they are sexual with another person. So we must ask ourselves, what makes the process of obtaining consent so difficult?

"We'll have to talk about sex, it kills the mood, it's awkward"

This is what we hear, but good sex is when both partners are really into it and are fully engaged and enjoying themselves. Despite what we've seen in the media, good sex takes work and communication. 

Unfortunately, very few of us sat down with parents or teachers who explained to us how to communicate with our partners when it comes to sex. Given this, we all need to work hard to make sure that our partners are totally into what is happening between us sexually. 

"They may not want to have sex"

When we begin communicating about sex, we have to open ourselves up to hearing "No." Sometimes it feels easier to just keep trying without talking or listening. This don't-ask-don't-tell policy about sex can lead to sexual violence.  When someone ignores the other person's feelings, they become concerned solely with getting what they want, rather than making sure both people are into it.  When we do not take the other person's humanity into consideration, the situation becomes abusive.

If there are any questionable signs or signals, even brief ones, stop and check in. Most people are aware of cues from the other person indicating that they might not be into what is happening. If we stop and honor these cues, we open a space for the other person to say "No" or to give us the freely given "Yes" we both deserve.

What's Legal?

Often when we talk to college students about consent, they are very well versed in the legal definition of consent.  It's good we have this knowledge but do we get consent only because not getting it is illegal? What about the ethics and morals involved? Do we really want to have sex with someone who isn't fully into it, or who doesn't actually want it? 

To have sex with someone without their consent is rape. Certainly, no one wants to consider themselves a rapist. In addition, do we really want to put someone else through the pain and trauma of sexual violence? Most people who commit rape are not "crazy"; they are normal, everyday folks. The difference is they chose to ignore their partners' cues when their partner was not consenting to sex.

The power of checking in...

Checking in with our partners is a simple tool that can be used to make sure that everyone is down with what's happening. Checking in also allows partners to feel comfortable with moving forward, if everyone is OK with it.

Checking in with our partner(s) means slowing down a bit, focusing on our partner, and asking some simple questions to see where they are emotionally and physically.  Not only will we better please our partners, but the consent will ensures that whichever activities we engage in together, we will be equally involved. If we check in with someone and they say - with words, body language or non-verbal cues - that they are not OK, it allows us to ask them what they would prefer. This allows us to arrive at a mutually comfortable place.

Advocate for good sex that's free of violence!

We need to band together, women and men, to ensure that everyone in our society, on our campuses and in our communities is Doin' It Well, completely mutual, pleasurable and free from coercion and violence.  Come out and show your support of good, consensual sex at the awesome events planned over the next week for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Check out the calendar of events at:  www.odos.uiuc.edu/women. Resources are also available on the website and at the events.

Sex 411 Ways to talk about consent & sex

  • "Is this cool with you?"
  • "Are you down with this?"
  • "Can I go down on you?"
  • "Hey, are you into this?"
  • "Is this ok?"
Posted by Kim Rice & Ross Wantland at 08:50:08 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sexual Healing: Talking with Partners about Sexual Trauma

 April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. In recognition of this month, we are dedicating the next four columns to an issue that isn't commonly discussed in the realms of positive sexuality: sexual violence. According to the Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 33 men will experience sexual assault in their lifetime. When we look at statistics for childhood sexual abuse, the number raises to 1 in 3 women/girls and 1 in 5 men/boys. So it is likely that we'll need to communicate about past sexual trauma in an intimate relationship.

Doin' It Well would like to dedicate this column to the powerful, resilient, and amazing survivors and the people who love them!

Over the past thirty years, there have been amazing changes in the ways we talk about sexual violence. What it means (and what it doesn't mean) to be a survivor - , even the word "survivor" has been radically shaped by the feminist rape crisis movement.  But there are still some myths about survivors that impact how survivors may view themselves, as well as how others may view them.

In the popular media, we're caught between two depictions of survivors. Either they are broken, crying, and afraid of sexual intimacy a la Law & Order: SVU, or they are hypersexual, out of-control, crazy. Obviously, neither of these is totally descriptive of every survivor's healing process. For both survivors and their sexual partners, figuring out sex(uality) after sexual trauma is a difficult process.

For survivors, disclosing histories of sexual trauma to a partner can be a nerve-wracking experience. Will they believe me? Will they use the information against me? Will they coddle me, or try to "fix" me? Will it make sex awkward? Survivors may face a variety of questions when disclosing to partners. Also, telling their story is a very personal experience, and it should be up to the survivor to tell as much (or little) as they choose. For a partner to provide support, details aren't that important.  

At the same time, deciding to tell can be very rewarding, as loved ones may provide support in a new way. Survivors may have been told that all they are good for is sex, and saying no to sexual intimacy may be tied up in feelings of self-worth, terror, and a host of other emotions. So part of healing may be working together with a sexual partner to understand what saying yes or no to sex may look like. Discussing trauma with a sexual partner may also allow survivors to begin to fully enjoy their sexual lives. 

If you are the sexual partner of a survivor, this may be your first time hearing a personal disclosure. If they are telling you, this means that they trust and value you. Don't screw it up! The survivor is on their own healing journey, and they may graciously allow you to accompany them on that journey. But you are not the one in charge of that process. Many survivors describe simply wanting their partners to listen and accept, especially when it comes to boundaries around sex.

As a supporter, it may be tempting to freak out, or want to "get revenge" upon the perpetrator, but the survivor will take cues from how their partner reacts. An extreme reaction may discourage the survivor from discussing this subject with you in the future. At the same time, it is totally natural to experience sadness, anger, and loss when we find out that someone we care about has been hurt. However, the survivor doesn't need to be placed in a position to console you about this; find a confidential place to get support for yourself so you can better support your partner.

Together, survivors and supporters can build positive ways of communicating about sex. Although a lot of these discussions may occur in the time leading up to sexual intimacy, it might be important to talk about sexual boundaries and desires not during sex.  As couples begin to figure out how to talk with each other about sex, identifying "safe words" or phrases can help communicate to slow down or stop. Also, partners can figure out ways to "check-in" with each other during sex to find out what the other person wants and needs. As we will discuss next week, communication around sex doesn't need to be robotic. It can be romantic, erotic, safe and sexy.

For a calendar of Sexual Assault Awareness Month events, go to www.odos.uiuc.edu/women

Sex 411: Resources for Survivors and their Partners

  • Bass & Davis The Courage to Heal
  • Davis Allies in Healing
  • Haines The Survivor's Guide to Sex
  • Maltz The Sexual Healing Journey
  • Matsakis ‘I can't get over it' A Handbook for Trauma Survivors
  • Matsakis Trust After Trauma: A Guide to Relationships

 

Posted by Kim Rice & Ross Wantland at 08:40:10 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

The Spring Break Issue(s): Redefining what it means to have a hot, sexy spring break

Ross recently had an opportunity to do a call-in program on the “horrors” of Spring Break. The program focused on a very stereotypical (and expensive) version of the Spring Break: traveling to some exotic warm location, drinking a lot, hanging out on a beach, and having sex. Included in this discussion were some of the facts about drinking & sexual safety; for instance, individuals who have been drinking are 7 times less likely to use condoms. But the overarching question the hosts wanted answered seemed to be: how can we protect the women on Spring Break from the unsafe conditions into which they place themselves? One problem we see with conversations like this is they totally erase men’s involvement and responsibility during Spring Break. It is pretty offensive to just assume that men’s violence is inevitable. Because we believe and perpetuate this, we suggest that women keep away from men, because all men are violent (or have the potential to be). Another big problem with this type of messaging is that we’re also “protecting” women from their own sexuality. When we tell women to watch what they drink, who they are with and what messages they are sending, we are telling women, “don’t be too sexy, that will get you into trouble.” Doin’ It Well is not about to repeat those messages.

Spring break issue #1: (Some) Men’s Violence

Men’s violence against women is about men’s behavior, yet we usually focus on women’s behaviors as the solution. What would it look like if men were seen as the solution for the violence some men perpetrate? What if the spring break call-in show featured a group of men who were asked questions like “how come some men perpetrate violence against women?” “What violence prevention messages should men be aware of to have a safe spring break?”  This approach would make the responsibility more equal, instead of the current assumption: “Men: go have fun, women: be careful!”

Spring break issue #2: Hot & sexy women

The messages around women’s sexuality are clear. When they’re sexual, they’re putting themselves “a t r isk” (of violence, of being called names, etc.). When they’re hurt, they shouldn’t have been so sexual. Certainly, women may self-limit their sexuality based on their intuition. This doesn’t change the fact that women have the right to be sexual in ways that feel right to them. What would self-defined sex for women look like? That’s just it; we don’t know what it would look like because it would be self-defined. Maybe it would look a lot like the list of Women’s Sexual Rights from last week. And here are a few more:  Women have the right to be sexual on spring break and not be blamed for it. Women have the right to drink; and they also have the right not to be targeted with alcohol by men for sex (or for making Girls Gone Wild videos). Women have the right to experience their sexuality for themselves, not solely for the benefit of men.

Spring break issue #3: Hot & sexy men

Most men do not perpetrate violence against women. While not all men perpetrate, men do have a role in perpetuating a culture of violence against women, and it’s up to men to change this. It’s time for men to “take sexy back” and redefine what this means. Sexy is not standing around a keg commenting on women’s bodies as objects, based on size, shape, or features. Sexy is not joking about or making comments about using alcohol as a way to get sex (i.e, one more drink and she’ll be good to go). Sexy is not pressuring other men to have sex at all costs in order to prove masculinity.

Sexy men respect women, and seek relationships (whether long term or for one night) based on mutual involvement, sexual pleasure and expression.  Sexy men challenge other men when they objectify women, by saying things like “that’s not cool, dude, she’s a person.” Sexy men call out their friends when they notice how drinking events are targeted toward women (buying women drinks).  Sexy men talk with their friends about how hot sex is consensual and, possibly, sober. Sexy men challenge other men that there is more to sex than just having it; the experience of it can make a huge difference.

By all means, be sexy. Be sexual, or choose not to. Just make sure it’s on your terms, and is deliberate, not based on what MTV tells you about how spring break should be.

Posted by Kim Rice & Ross Wantland at 08:35:32 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |