Doin’ It Well

The consumerism of the holiday season is upon us and Doin’ It Well didn’t want to be left out of the loop. Many partners will give sexual gifts this holiday season, and some of those will be received well while others will fall totally flat!  So whether you’re looking to buy yourself something to increase the holiday “cheer” or on a quest to find the perfect gift for someone else, here are some tips to help you make the most of the most wonderful time of the year.

What’s on their list?

Some people are very good at giving gifts; all year they quietly record desires and needs of the receiver-to-be. But for many people - especially when you are giving a sexual gift - this is an acquired skill. Listen carefully to the receiver to learn what they enjoy. Talk casually about these desires in non-sexual settings to find out what they like. Or just pay attention. Has their toy recently run out of batteries? Is it in need of a replacement? There’s nothing shameful about placing some batteries for their favorite vibe in their stocking, or getting them a new toy altogether. It’s practical and sexy. Maybe they’ve asked to use toys during sex play and you were unsure. If you’ve reconsidered, now may be a good time to give a toy as a gift to your partner! Maybe they read our last column and exclaimed “I want to explore my G-spot.” A vibrator or video designed to enhance G-spot pleasure may be the perfect gift this year.

Sexy Lingerie

There’s nothing more cliché than a male partner buying lingerie for a female partner from a place like Victoria’s Secret. That doesn’t mean it can’t be nice, but whether you’re male or female, consider if the lingerie you’re buying is for your partner’s enjoyment or your own. Find out what your partner really enjoys wearing, and what makes them feel sexy. Is it a black lace teddy with high-heel boots, or cotton underwear and warm socks? Rather than playing into societal standards of what is sexy, find out (or just listen) to what your partner actually likes. And sexy clothes aren’t just for female partners, either. Think about what makes your male partner feel sexy and buy it for him. Or better yet, you could each buy yourself something that makes you feel sexy, that you’ll reveal to one another during the holidays.

One-Handed Reading

Depending on your partners’ feelings, giving a sex toy or sexy lingerie may not be received very well. Written erotica or educational books can be an exciting gift that you and/or your partner may enjoy. Most erotica collections are themed, so the introduction or cover should give you a sense of what’s in store. Each of the local bookstores carries a small section of informational and erotica sex books, including books specific to gender and sexual orientation. Again, think about what the receiver would enjoy reading - and what might freak them out - and buy accordingly.

Shopping For Two

Go with your partner to a local sex toy shop (like Fantasy’s) or shop online together for a gift that you could share, whether a vibrator, game or massage oil. Not only can this be an exciting way to discuss fantasies and try out new things, but it can be an opportunity to think about what you might like for yourself solo. Additionally, instructional videos and books can be a nice way to learn about your bodies while also exploring new aspects of your sexuality. There are also board games for couples that combine sexual fantasies, communication, and touch to build intimacy. When you shop together, you might be surprised about what is out there, and you might also learn more about what your partner likes (or doesn’t like!).

DIY Sex Gifts

While making your own sex toy isn’t a good idea, those strapped for cash (or good ideas) can create a coupon book.  Coupon books can be hand-made or created on the computer. The coupons can then be redeemed throughout the year by your partner. Coupons can range from “a romantic dinner that I’ll cook for you” to “phone sex” to “oral sex” to “a night where the pleasure is all about you!”  Just remember who this gift is for; no one likes a gift that is what the giver really wants. Remember, only give what you are comfortable giving. Even though your partner really enjoys something doesn’t mean you have to give it.

Or together, you and your partner could each write down ten (or more) things that you would like to do sexually and/or romantically over the next year. Throughout the year, you can draw one out of a hat and celebrate the holidays all year long.

Spirit of the Season

The holidays often leave folks with a sense of charity. Early to Bed, a Chicago sex toy shop has combined charity and pleasure in their “Give Back Gift Set.” By purchasing these gift baskets - replete with sex toys, lubes, massage oils, and other items - a portion of the proceeds go to non-profits like the Chicago Women’s Health Center or the Prostate Cancer Foundation.

We’ll be taking a break for the holidays, but look for us in the New Year and keep doin’ it well!

Sex 411: Shopping Spree!

Good Vibrations: http://www.goodvibes.com/

Early to Bed: http://www.early2bed.com/

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Most people have heard about the G-spot, but have unanswered questions about this “mysterious” pleasure spot in women. Doin’ It Well decided to explore the history, mystery, and controversy of  the G-spot.

About 400 years ago, a Dutch anatomist, Regnier DeGraaf identified the glands and ducts around the urethra in the female and claimed they were analogous to the male prostate. Early on, these tissues that surrounded the urethra, what’s known as the “urethral sponge”, were referred to as the female prostate. In a rare female oriented shift in language, the male prostate is now referred to as the male G-spot!

In 1950, Dr. Ernst Grafenburg identified the urethral sponge as an erogenous zone that enlarges when stimulated.  Later, renowned sex researchers Master’s and Johnson - in an attempt to increase “clitoral awareness” - asserted that the clitoris was the only source of female sexual pleasure. Thus, the controversy over orgasm and pleasure for women began.  Much later (1981), the urethral sponge was named the G-spot to honor Dr. G.

Finding It

The G-spot is a cushion of tissue wrapped around the urethra. It is parallel to the vagina about 3-5 centimeters inside the vagina toward the front of the body (belly button). The spongy tissue of the G-spot is dense with blood vessels, which makes it sensitive. Fingers, sex toys or penises can be used to stimulate the G-spot.  Many vibrators and dildos now come in curved shapes designed to maximize G-spot stimulation. 

Women’s reaction to G-spot stimulation varies from indifference, irritation, to extreme pleasure. What’s important to remember is that some women find G-Spot stimulation highly arousing, while others don’t. Both responses are normal and OK. Women vary, and the kinds of stimulation they enjoy also vary.

Exploration during masturbation can help you discover responses and pleasure.  You can insert a finger or two and put pressure toward the front of the body. Using a “come here” motion with the hand or fingers feels very pleasurable to some women.  When stimulation first occurs, a woman may feel like she needs to urinate. Shortly, this feeling usually gives way to pleasurable sensations. But remember, responses to G-spot stimulation vary widely, and all of these are normal.

Many women do not find their G-Spot on the first try. Don’t pressure yourself; if it is something you want to continue to explore, keep trying. If not, just keep pleasuring yourself in the ways you enjoy. Remember, pleasure, not pressure!

The G-Spot Orgasm

For women who respond to G-spot stimulation, some report a distinct orgasm from what they experience with clitoral stimulation. Women describe G-spot orgasms as “different”, “more intense” but “not necessarily better than clitoral orgasms.” Keep in mind that in general, it’s still much easier for women to experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation than G-spot or vaginal stimulation. 

Just like with clitoral stimulation, orgasms through G-spot stimulation usually become easier to achieve the more you have them. Remember, an orgasm is an orgasm - the rhythmic contraction of muscles accompanied by a release of tension and pleasurable sensations - regardless of where stimulation takes place.  The stimulation of the G-spot may cause contractions in slightly different parts of the body, which may cause a different feeling.

Involving Partners

Partners can stimulate the G-spot or help a woman find and explore her G-spot.  Explore different angles and positions that feel the most pleasurable, noting new sensations without “expectations.”  Women can guide their partners with words or with their hands, explaining where to put pressure, how fast or slow to thrust, when to stop stimulation, etc.  It may be easier to guide a partner if you’ve explored G-spot stimulation by yourself first.  Partners:  ask for guidance and remember that your partner knows her body best and what feels good to her. Allow her to dictate her interest in exploring her G-spot and respect her boundaries.

Squirting

Stimulation of the G-spot can lead to a slight sprinkle or a gush of fluid released from the female known as “squirting” or female ejaculation. This fluid is not urine!  It is released from the urethra or the glands surrounding the urethra. Not all women who experience G-spot stimulation will release this fluid and not all the time. Those who do experience ejaculation are usually excited by it and proud that they “did it.”  Partners of those who ejaculate are also usually very turned on by the experience.  But for those who aren’t expecting it, the worry that they urinated can be a turn-off. 

It can be disappointing to a woman, or her partner, if the G-spot isn’t found, or if stimulation of the tissue does not increase pleasure. Women should explore additional sources of pleasure for her enjoyment, sharing this enjoyment with her partner, and not simply to please a partner. As always, finding different sources of pleasure from our bodies should be fun and exciting and not demanding.

Sex 411: A Good Education

Check out Maximizing G-spot Pleasure (2007), produced by the Sinclair Intimacy Institute (www.bettersex.com). It is a great educational video showing women and couples experimenting with G-spot pleasure, female ejaculation and the use of sex toys - our only critique is that all the couples are male/female.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Gay bath houses are a noble part of history. From Ancient Rome to San Francisco, bathhouses, or baths, have been a semi-public space for men to have sex with other men. Doin’ It Well decided to see what all the fuss was about, and we were in for a surprise. Bath houses may be intimidating for a first time user - and they’re definitely a culture of their own - but with a little preparation, you’ll be in for a good time.

Lathering Up

Although Champaign-Urbana doesn’t have any men-only bathhouses that we know of, there are four in the vicinity: Steamworks and Man’s Country in Chicago, Club Indianapolis in Indy, and Club St. Louis in…well, you get the idea. Based on a few recommendations, we checked out Steamworks and sent Ross out with a friend to get the inside scoop.

The baths operate much like health spas; you can get a one-time membership for your visit or a longer-term pass if you plan on being a regular. Steamworks requires that everyone entering rent a locker or a room for the duration of their stay. The rentals last six hours, but the rental is renewable. A few people have told us that they sometimes renew their room and spend the night at the bath.

Working out at the baths is a possibility, but not necessary. Don’t worry! Even though some websites may advertise attractive, muscular men as their patrons, most of the men there look like average guys with a wide age range. At Steamworks, some people use the workout equipment, but most people just hang out or actively cruise. At Steamworks and the Clubs, a towel is the required/preferred outfit. At Man’s Country, the towel rule is not as enforced. Although it may seem more comfortable to wear regular clothes, the towel dress-code proves to be a great equalizer.

Tying the towel can be a difficult lesson. This isn’t a quick trip from the shower to the bedroom; you will get your “steps” in at the baths. Go with what works best for you, but wrapping the towel around tightly and rolling the entire top edge down several times seems to work best.

On a tip, we were encouraged to buy flip flops for our visit. It’s not only good public shower etiquette, but there may be bodily fluids on the floor. At Steamworks, disposable flip-flops were on sale in the vending machines, as were performance enhancers, cock rings, cigarettes, extra large condoms, enema tubes, and lubes. If you’re going to need these, it would probably be cheaper to bring your own, but it is convenient in case you forget.

As for the enema tubes, Steamworks had temperature adjustable spigots for cleaning yourself out before getting hot and heavy. And for the other end: a mouthwash fountain. (Seriously, Ross wants to live there.)

The rental rooms at Steamworks come in a variety of sizes and features. Specialty rooms include a faux doctor’s office.  Many of the rooms come equipped with a television with a variety of porn channels and even a channel displaying the club’s surveillance cameras (for lazy cruisers).

Room etiquette in the baths suggests that if you leave your door open, you would like someone to walk in. Men lying naked on their stomach cue passersby that they would like to “bottom” during sex. Men lying on their back, naked or toweled, want a blow job or to “top.”  It’s difficult to misread those cues.

Other public areas have spaces for watching or for participating. Many open spaces had dividers with glory holes for hand or blow jobs. Anything goes, but the etiquette also means that people (should) listen to “No.”

Sex is a possibility most anywhere, but the better lit an area, the less you’re supposed to have sex there. Just pay attention to the cues and the tone, and you’ll figure it out.

Do’s and Don’ts

Some baths have very rigid policies against alcohol and drugs. Although our bags weren’t checked at the door at Steamworks, it’s common policy to check bags for cell phones (because you’d take pictures!), drugs, alcohol, or weapons. So don’t bring these in!

Otherwise, you can bring in almost anything. Bring your own toys, lube, or even items to decorate your room! At Steamworks, you don’t need to worry about bringing your own protection; there are free condoms all over, lubed and un-lubed. For other baths, be sure to come prepared.

The biggest no-no of all is “chatting.” The code of the baths is non-verbal, making eye contact, sizing someone up, and moving into physical touch. Talking interrupts the mystique that regulars enjoy about the baths. Be respectful, don’t lose the magic.

Why We Love ‘Em

While we can’t speak for every bath, Steamworks was impeccably clean and well-maintained. Also, safe and mutual sex was explicitly encouraged. Condoms and informational materials about everything from safe leather play to STI’s were available for free. Additionally, signs were posted promoting healthy behaviors and consent. Also, regular STI/HIV testing was available at the club. Sex and sex education? It’s a winning combination!

To read a full account of Ross’s bath adventures, click here.

Thanks to Jesse Pierce and Khristian Kemp-DeLisser for their gracious assistance with this column.

Stay tuned next week as Doin’ It Well explores the G-spot!

Sex 411: Get Your Bath On

Club Indy and Club St. Louis: http://www.the-clubs.com/

Man’s Country: http://www.manscountrychicago.com/

Steamworks: http://www.steamworksonline.com/

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are experts in the field of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Send them your questions at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com