Doin’ It Well

Glamour Clamor

Last Tuesday, WCIA-3 did a story about “Purity Balls.” At a purity ball, fathers bring their daughters as their date, to a dance where both pledge to preserve the virginity of the girl - who is often about 12 years old. Purity Balls are a lavish wedding-esque party, where they dance, eat, Dad pledges to “war” for his daughter’s purity, and she pledges to remain “pure.” Glamour, Marie Claire, and Cosmo have each discussed the good, bad, and ugly about Purity Balls.  However, the authors stop short of totally vilifying them. Perhaps because they know many of the girls enjoy the attention and pomp surrounding their “big day.”

WCIA-3 interviewed several supporters of purity balls, who stated that men / boys only think about one thing (sex) and will continue to only think about one thing (still sex). Therefore, they conclude that fathers need to protect girls from this menace.  This paints a pretty poor picture of Christian men - and all men generally. So we need to keep girls safe from sex-seeking maniacs until we turn them over to these (same) men via marriage?  Where’s the logic in that?

Purity Pledges Don’t Work

Newscasters invited viewers to share their opinions about purity balls on their webpage.  Overwhelmingly, viewers posted responses saying how they thought purity balls were a “great idea, particularly given the high rates of STI’s and unplanned pregnancy.”  Unfortunately by forcing abstinence and refusing to  provide sex education,  this doesn’t reduce STI & pregnancy rates, but might do the opposite.  

Many Americans are in denial about teenage sexual activity. While purity pledges delay sex for some pledgers, 88% of those who sign a purity or abstinence pledge engage in sex before marriage.  In effect, pledges don’t work.  And, there’s worse news.  Research shows that pledgers who go on to have sex (remember, that’s 88% of them) are more likely to have unprotected sex than those who never signed a pledge of abstinence. That’s not so wonderful.

Not So Pure

Research also suggests that for youth who report having engaged in only oral and anal sex, those who signed purity pledges were over-represented in the sample.  This is probably due to their desire to “remain pure” by avoiding vaginal intercourse.  Keep in mind youth who have vowed to remain pure have usually never been given information about STI or pregnancy prevention strategies, because they didn’t need it. Unfortunately, oral and anal sex can pose health risks.

Denial is Wonderful

Who do these purity balls really serve? Do big balls really help girls? Or are they simply designed for parents and other adults to feel more comfortable?  What is more important: the message we preach or the impact it has on young people? 

If we are truly interested in the health and safety of our youth, we need to equip them with information to help them make good decisions. Promoting abstinence among young people is an excellent idea, but abstinence information has to be coupled with information about birth control and STI prevention for the majority of youth who will have sex anyway. 

What about boys’ balls?

Similar events for boys do exist, called Integrity Balls, though these aren’t nearly as marketed as the Purity Balls.  Boys go with their mothers as their date, but the inspirational speeches focus on respecting a girl, and helping her stay pure.  Speakers ask questions like “how would you feel if someone was touching your future wife and pressuring her to have sex?”  There is absolutely no mention of the mothers protecting or guarding their son’s “purity.”  Again, the focus isn’t on men delaying sex because it benefits them to stay “pure” but because they need to protect the reputation not only of their future wives, but the wives of all mankind.

True love waits until I’m ready

Deciding to have sex should be a personal decision based upon our own values. Choosing to abstain for our fathers (or other authority figure) removes our sexuality from us. Sex paradoxically becomes the horrible curse that we should save for someone we love. That is a lot of moral baggage that most of us don’t want to bring to our long term unions.

We recommend that mom and dads talk to boys about sexuality, too and stop perpetuating that all boys think about is sex. This reduces boys to - and normalizes them as - sex seekers, but it doesn’t give permission for boys to say no to sex and still maintain their sense of masculinity. Boys and girls need honest conversations and options, including abstinence. Talk to your children about how sexual feelings, curiosity and experimentation are normal for both young men and women, but that we have choices about how we act on them.

Stay tuned to next week when Doin’ It Well takes a look at the music that gets our readers’ groove on!

Sex 411: Whatever Your Age, Get the Facts & Decide for Yourself:

• www.teenwire .com
• www.siecus.org
• www.advocatesforyouth.org

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Write to them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com