Doin’ It Well

We don’t have any proof, but sex and music must have a long-standing relationship. Music and sex both have a rhythm, energy, and meaning. From mixed tapes to the tunes on your I-Pod Shuffle, music has been given to others to express love, crushes, desire or to turn people on. Doin’ It Well wanted to investigate these sexy noises further.

Listen Up

Music can set the tone, communicate or express feelings to your partner that may be hard for you to say. It can increase energy and excitement, drown out background noises (like the washing machine), or help cover the sounds of lovemaking if you’re in the dorms, an apartment or have children.

Music can hit us at our core, and bring to the surface deep feelings of love, joy, arousal, and raw sexual energy. Sometimes music holds associations for us to other things, like a certain person, a time in our life or a specific sexual encounter. Soundtracks can often carry a whole host of connotations! An excellent example is the soundtrack to Brokeback Mountain. While the songs themselves aren’t necessarily romantic, the heart-wrenching scenes from the movie, the deep love, sadness, and longing portrayed, and the themes of forbidden love and sex can fill us with deep passion and turn us on.

According to Don Campbell, author of The Mozart Effect, music can slow down brain waves, change respiration, heartbeat, pulse rate, and blood pressure, reduce muscle tension, increase endorphin levels, enhance endurance, regulate stress hormones, generate a sense of safety and well-being and enhance romance and sexuality.  All of these are positive conditions that allow people to respond sexually.

Stereo Tested, Reader Approved

Doin’ It Well asked readers to identify their favorite sex songs.  Below are posts made to our blog (http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/).  Reader comments are in parenthesis. Thanks to all our readers who posted!  We hope the following list might help you create your own mixed tape/shuffle and enhance your sex life.

Feelin’ Love by Paula Cole. (Yum.)

Drive by Mellisa Ferrick

Rock the Boat by Aaliyah

One in a Million by Aaliyah

Brown Sugar by D’Angelo (Double Yum.)

Pony by Ginuwine

MKLVFKWR by Public Enemy and Moby. (It is something you can both dance and revolt to.)

Do What You Do by Chuck Ragan

I’m a Man by Fifteen

Jane’s Addiction’s cover of Sympathy for the Devil. (WOO WOO! WOO WOO!)

Goodtime Music from The Brady Bunch season 5, episode 98 (I can’t explain exactly why the song stokes the fires within… aside from memories of the bulge Greg’s weenie made in the costume.)

Closer in Da Club - In Da Club by 50 Cent and Closer by Nine Inch Nails mash-up (it’s a guilty pleasure)

Most of Prince’s early stuff (especially “Darling Nikki”!!)

So Anxious by Ginuwine

Possession by Sarah Mclaughlan

Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. (AH….college years……)

Sade and John Legend

Justify My Love by Madonna. (Gets me hot just thinking about it! I don’t know about the lyrics, but her voice and the music is so f$*&ing hot!)

Pretty much anything by Jeff Buckley (Though his songs were mostly about heartache and sadness, it’s the raw passion in his voice that is unbelievably hot.)

(And to me, the Massive Attack album, Mezzanine, is pure sex.)

Kiss You All Over by Exile (Years ago, when I worked at Red Lobster, some customers complained when that song came over the Muzak. Sexy AND controversial - yummy!)

Read Your Mind by Avant

Listening Tips

Compilation CD’s may help you create the soundtrack that’s perfect. Some may want to start out with slow romantic (possibly R & B) music and move into more electronica once the energy of the sexual scene picks up and becomes more erotic. Pay attention to what both you and your partner like, and you may just discover the secret ingredient needed to spice up your sex life.

Pick the tunes according to the type of sex you are going to have. Death metal may not be appropriate for a slowed down romantic evening, but hey, who are we to judge?

The Sounds of Sex

If it’s the sounds of sex you want to hear, you might be interested in a CD featuring people making orgasmic sounds. Check out http://www.tritriadproductions.com/index.html for CD’s with titles like “Live Orgasms in Concert.” But heck, if you’re going to pay for a recording, why not cut your own album?

Stay tuned until next week, as Doin’ It Well discusses the ins and outs of gay bathhouses!

Sex 411: Solo Performance

Don’t forget, you don’t need a partner to enjoy sexy songs; press play when you’re going at it solo for a different experience.  

Doin’ It Well wants to hear your ideas and stories of standing up against actual drug-facilitated sexual assault or even joking comments about it. We will be publishing a column of the best - and most realistic - responses of our readers! Please send us your witty responses or actual stories of telling some one that intoxicating someone to have sex isn’t okay.

Glamour Clamor

Last Tuesday, WCIA-3 did a story about “Purity Balls.” At a purity ball, fathers bring their daughters as their date, to a dance where both pledge to preserve the virginity of the girl - who is often about 12 years old. Purity Balls are a lavish wedding-esque party, where they dance, eat, Dad pledges to “war” for his daughter’s purity, and she pledges to remain “pure.” Glamour, Marie Claire, and Cosmo have each discussed the good, bad, and ugly about Purity Balls.  However, the authors stop short of totally vilifying them. Perhaps because they know many of the girls enjoy the attention and pomp surrounding their “big day.”

WCIA-3 interviewed several supporters of purity balls, who stated that men / boys only think about one thing (sex) and will continue to only think about one thing (still sex). Therefore, they conclude that fathers need to protect girls from this menace.  This paints a pretty poor picture of Christian men - and all men generally. So we need to keep girls safe from sex-seeking maniacs until we turn them over to these (same) men via marriage?  Where’s the logic in that?

Purity Pledges Don’t Work

Newscasters invited viewers to share their opinions about purity balls on their webpage.  Overwhelmingly, viewers posted responses saying how they thought purity balls were a “great idea, particularly given the high rates of STI’s and unplanned pregnancy.”  Unfortunately by forcing abstinence and refusing to  provide sex education,  this doesn’t reduce STI & pregnancy rates, but might do the opposite.  

Many Americans are in denial about teenage sexual activity. While purity pledges delay sex for some pledgers, 88% of those who sign a purity or abstinence pledge engage in sex before marriage.  In effect, pledges don’t work.  And, there’s worse news.  Research shows that pledgers who go on to have sex (remember, that’s 88% of them) are more likely to have unprotected sex than those who never signed a pledge of abstinence. That’s not so wonderful.

Not So Pure

Research also suggests that for youth who report having engaged in only oral and anal sex, those who signed purity pledges were over-represented in the sample.  This is probably due to their desire to “remain pure” by avoiding vaginal intercourse.  Keep in mind youth who have vowed to remain pure have usually never been given information about STI or pregnancy prevention strategies, because they didn’t need it. Unfortunately, oral and anal sex can pose health risks.

Denial is Wonderful

Who do these purity balls really serve? Do big balls really help girls? Or are they simply designed for parents and other adults to feel more comfortable?  What is more important: the message we preach or the impact it has on young people? 

If we are truly interested in the health and safety of our youth, we need to equip them with information to help them make good decisions. Promoting abstinence among young people is an excellent idea, but abstinence information has to be coupled with information about birth control and STI prevention for the majority of youth who will have sex anyway. 

What about boys’ balls?

Similar events for boys do exist, called Integrity Balls, though these aren’t nearly as marketed as the Purity Balls.  Boys go with their mothers as their date, but the inspirational speeches focus on respecting a girl, and helping her stay pure.  Speakers ask questions like “how would you feel if someone was touching your future wife and pressuring her to have sex?”  There is absolutely no mention of the mothers protecting or guarding their son’s “purity.”  Again, the focus isn’t on men delaying sex because it benefits them to stay “pure” but because they need to protect the reputation not only of their future wives, but the wives of all mankind.

True love waits until I’m ready

Deciding to have sex should be a personal decision based upon our own values. Choosing to abstain for our fathers (or other authority figure) removes our sexuality from us. Sex paradoxically becomes the horrible curse that we should save for someone we love. That is a lot of moral baggage that most of us don’t want to bring to our long term unions.

We recommend that mom and dads talk to boys about sexuality, too and stop perpetuating that all boys think about is sex. This reduces boys to - and normalizes them as - sex seekers, but it doesn’t give permission for boys to say no to sex and still maintain their sense of masculinity. Boys and girls need honest conversations and options, including abstinence. Talk to your children about how sexual feelings, curiosity and experimentation are normal for both young men and women, but that we have choices about how we act on them.

Stay tuned to next week when Doin’ It Well takes a look at the music that gets our readers’ groove on!

Sex 411: Whatever Your Age, Get the Facts & Decide for Yourself:

• www.teenwire .com
• www.siecus.org
• www.advocatesforyouth.org

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Write to them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Recently, several people have asked us about our thoughts on male circumcision. Male circumcision is a practice that removes the top portion of the foreskin (the outer sheath) of the penis. Although sometimes performed for religious beliefs, circumcision is also a cultural, moral, medical and social practice, taking on different meanings at different times.

Anatomy of a Penis

As a quick review, the shaft of the penis ends in the bulb-like glans. The foreskin is the soft membrane skin that doubles over the penis, covering the glans. In circumcised males, the amount of remaining foreskin varies, but is usually a ring of extra skin below the glans. For uncircumcised males, the foreskin covers the glans completely, except when erect. Foreskin proponents cite the uncircumcised penis’s natural “gliding action” - where the foreskin can completely engulf the penis during stimulation - as one of many foreskin benefits.

Foreskin Facts

Worldwide, approximately 1/6th to 1/3rd of the world’s male population is circumcised. The U.S., however, has the highest rate of circumcision in the developed world (which some estimates place around 60%). This varies greatly by geographic region, culture, and race, with the Midwest having one of the highest percentages of circumcision. Most of the circumcisions in the U.S. are performed for non-religious reasons.

A Brief History

Male circumcision has been practiced for thousands of years throughout the world. Historically, circumcision is seen as both a rite into manhood and a ceremony of cleanliness. In Judiasm, Islam, and Christianity, circumcision can be part of a religious ceremony for newborn boys.

Circumcision has long been seen as a hygienic intervention to help boys keep themselves clean and free from disease. But there has always been a moral meaning behind circumcision, too. In the 1800’s, anti-sex advocates, such as John Kellogg, advocated circumcision to prevent extensive “self-abuse”(aka masturbation).

Medical Thoughts

Recently, the World Health Organization began advocating circumcision as a step towards HIV-prevention in Africa, as some research suggests that circumcised men have lower rates of transmission than uncircumcised men. In addition, some research suggests that circumcision may be linked to lower rates of penile and cervical cancer (in female sexual partners). However, much of this research may not control for other variables, such as economic factors and is much debated in medical and sexual science.

In the U.S., circumcision has not slowed the spread of sexually transmitted STIs or heterosexually transmitted HIV. Nationally, the American Academy of Pediatrics has stated that they believe the benefits to circumcision do not merit routine circumcisions. Additionally, they strongly advocated the use of pain relievers during the procedure, as research increasingly shows that pain has a negative impact on infants.. The American Academy of Family Pediatricians similarly recommended that doctors discuss the benefits and risks of circumcision thoroughly with parents.

Take Back the Foreskin

There is a movement of men and some women to challenge circumcision (or as some of these groups call it, male genital mutilation). Many of these men have been circumcised and believe that this circumcision was a non-consensual alteration of their bodies. And, some of these men are quite angry.

There are surgical and non-surgical methods for “restoring” foreskin, many of which can be painful, expensive or minimally effective. Whereas surgical methods involve skin grafting from the scrotum, non-surgical methods usually involve stretching the remaining foreskin with weights or elastic cords.  

What’s the Difference?

It depends on who you talk to as to whether circumcision makes a difference, particularly on sexual pleasure. Legendary sex researchers Masters and Johnson determined that there was no difference in the tactile sensations on the glans of the penis between circumcised and uncircumcised men. Opponents of circumcision suggest that the loss of nerves, as well as the loss of the protective foreskin around the glans, produces a loss of sensitivity in the penises of circumcised men. At the same time, research on the impact of circumcision on penile sensation and sexual satisfaction is inconclusive.

Hygiene is sometimes a reason for recommending circumcision. But an uncircumcised penis need not be more difficult to keep clean than a circumcised penis. Teaching proper hygiene to young boys - circumcised and uncircumcised - can help them take proper care of their penises. At the same time, because circumcised penises are the majority in the U.S., uncircumcised boys & men may find themselves ridiculed because their penis doesn’t look like the “norm.” By discussing this issue early on with uncircumcised boys, parents or caretakers can help them understand their bodies and prepare them to respond to questions or teasing.

Make Your Own Decision

Circumcision is a personal decision for parents/legal guardians, or for adult males. In the U.S., the medical and sexual effects of circumcision are negligible. But circumcision holds social (looking like dad or other males) and religious importance. Before you snip, consult with your medical provider and do your own research.

Next week, join Doin’ It Well as we talk purity balls.

Sex 411: It’s all in how you wear it

Check out http://www.teenwire.org/ to see pictures of both uncircumcised and circumcised penises.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention.  Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Hello intrepid duo,

I’m hoping you can help me.  I know there are a few sex shops in town (I pass Urbana News all the time), but I wonder if there are any that are specifically GLBTQ or women-friendly?  Is there a clean, safe place to explore and purchase porn in C-U, or will I have to brave the dark, creepy shops of my imagination to find the good stuff? And who has the best variety? 

Thanks,

Trepidatious but Curious

Hello TbC,

Thanks for the great question. As you may know, there are four sex shops in town:  Illini Arcade, Fantasy’s, I-Block, and Urbana News. While gay or questioning men may find different needs met at any of the four stores, for women we recommend Illini Arcade and Fantasy’s.

When you walk into Illini Arcade & Fantasies, you’ll notice they are both well lit, clean, and most of the time, have women working behind the counter. In fact, Illini Arcade and Fantasy’s are designed to meet the needs of female consumers. When we visited them and talked to the managers (who are, incidentally, women), they told us that they have designed their stores to be the “women-friendly” shops in town. These two stores, along with Urbana News are owned by a female-run parent company out of Chicago. If you want to ensure that a woman is working, call ahead to either place, and they can let you know. The staff we encountered at both places was very friendly and willing to answer questions we had about products and films.

Illini Arcade & Fantasy’s periodically host ladies’ night.  At ladies’ night, men are not allowed, and the women learn about different aspects of sexual health, based on what those particular women are most interesting in discussing. Almost thirty-five women attended the last ladies night.  Past topics have included Introduction to Sex Toys and Anal Sex 101. Check their website to find out the next date or sign up to receive email alerts of upcoming events: http://www.loversplayground.com/.

Both stores were equally stocked with porn designed specifically for women but the selection was small, which reflects the larger pornography market. As you might suspect, the vast majority of the porn there is marketed towards straight males, with gay male films making up less than a quarter of the titles. The lesbian , bisexual, or trans titles are limited, but both places had several to choose from. The managers said that it is difficult to get good lesbian porn, especially the variety that is not “girl on girl” produced mainly for the benefit of straight men.  We found (mostly-straight) films directed by women including Nina Hartley, Viv Thomas and Candida Royalle. The lesbian films were the most limited, but a few recommended production companies of lesbian films included Abbey Winters, Lez Love Video, and Girlfriends Films.

The reading materials directed at women were more limited than the films. Both stores had a few educational books, including Sex Toys 101 (required reading for all store clerks) and Women’s Travel books.  Fantasy’s had Transgender Tapestry magazine, but the LGBT magazines at both places were limited, due to a number of these publications going out of business.  At both places, you can request that they order a product for you, including specific movie or magazine titles.

Illini Arcade and Fantasy’s have an array of sex toys, lubes, condoms, and lingerie as well. From vibrators to dildos to BDSM items, most any toys you would be looking for are there. The stores keep a few demo toys with batteries in them so customers can get an idea of how they work, but any customer can bring a toy to the clerk if they have questions. In addition, women can try on lingerie before they buy it.

Both shops have active arcade booths, small viewing rooms that require tokens to view films. Illini Arcade has a wheelchair accessible arcade booth.  Movie requests can be made for the arcade; they change their movie titles on Fridays.

Illini Arcade and Fantasy’s are open 24/7 with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Busy arcade (movie watching) hours that draw mostly men are lunch hours and Fri & Sat. nights. If you want to avoid the crowds, visit the shops during dinner time or during the day. 

Although geared toward women, men do visit these two shops. We were told that the staff is trained to intervene if a man is in any way making someone feel uncomfortable. Although these two shops are definitely not the dark and creepy shops of your imagination, you might want to check it out with a friend until you feel comfortable heading out solo.

If you visit either of these shops and can’t find what you’re looking for, or are intimidated to go to an adult shop, our top picks for women-owned, LGBT-friendly shops online are: Early to Bed, Good Vibrations and Toys in Babeland.

Happy shopping! Next week we’ll be interviewing staff members from Chicago’s very own Early to Bed sex toy shop.

Sex 411:  Women & LGBTQ Friendly Sex Shops

Illini Arcade, 33 E. Springfield Ave. in Champaign

Fantasy’s, 3604 N. Cunningham Ave. in Urbana

http://www.goodvibes.com/

http://www.early2bed.com/

http://www.babeland.com/

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention.  Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Doin’ It Well recently answered a reader question about women and queer friendly sex shops in the Champaign-Urbana area, so we decided to branch out and check out Early To Bed (E2B), a self-identified feminist sex toy shop in Chicago. According to their website, the owner founded E2B because Chicago was “in dire need of a place where people of all genders (and in particular women) could shop for sex toys in a clean, welcoming space.” We met up with E2B sex educators Margo Scott and Lee Jacobs Riggs to talk about their thoughts on working in a feminist sex toy shop.

DIW: What is your favorite part about working at E2B?

Margo: I love helping people!  I love hearing people talk about how excited they are about trying something new, or how something has made their relationship sizzle again. There is a sense as though you can have a profound affect on someone’s relationship with themselves and their bodies.  It’s quite liberating and important work, in my opinion.

Lee:  Uhhh, I get a good discount…

DIW: Why do you work for E2B?

Lee: When I started here, I had just left two and a half years of rape crisis work and was really traumatized by seeing the work I cared about co-opted.  Working in a low stress environment that related to sex primarily as a joyful thing was exactly what I needed. 

In rape - sex is used as a tool of oppression and therefore one’s future relationship to [sex] is really seriously impacted.  [W]e need to talk not just about what we don’t want, but what we do want.  But, a lot of days I just talk about lube and, well, that’s rewarding and not stressful, too…

DIW: What does it mean to work at a feminist sex toy shop?

Margo: [F]or me, being a feminist sex toy shop employee is all about recognizing humanity’s sexualities.  For us, we have chosen to focus mainly on women’s sexualities, be they straight, queer, kinky, some combination therein or otherwise. 

Lee: My job title is “sex educator” here.  At a feminist sex toy store, you’ll find an emphasis on knowledge.  [The] staff is educated about the products so that we can support customers in buying what’s right for them, not just making a sale.  The environment we create attempts to diffuse the shame and secrecy about sex that we inherit from the larger misogonist, ableist, fat-phobic, queer-phobic, racist culture around us. 

DIW: Do you have any videos at the shop? What do you think makes them feminist? 

Lee: There’s two types of movies we have, educational videos and” porn.” Educational videos  can be a really useful tool for folks who don’t find sitting down with a book an appealing option.  As for porn, I don’t think there’s anything innately anti-feminist about erotic imagery.  Most of us are very visual creatures.  Good porn can be a useful sex toy, just like a vibrator, to add some variation and creativity to sex play. 

I wouldn’t necessarily hold up each and every video we have as a representation of “feminist” film. We look for films directed and/or produced by women, that feature women in control of their own sexuality and clearly enjoying what’s going on.  We look for real orgasms.  Yes, the larger porn industry and a lot of what it produces reflects misogynist, patriarchal, racist, ableist values, but,  it’s a reflection of the culture we live in. 

DIW: What is difficult about working at E2B?

Lee: Once in a while it’s difficult to figure out what people really need because shame and embarrassment gets in the way of them being able to articulate it. 

Margo: Certain couple’s dynamics, mostly among straight couples [such as] the guy spending two seconds on picking out a toy for his girlfriend; or the woman who tells me her husband loves anal sex with her, but it hurts, so do we have Analease.

DIW: What are some common misconceptions about a feminist sex toy shop?

Lee: I think the biggest one is that men are not welcome here.  Of course men are welcome and encouraged to come here, male supremacy just is not. 

Margo: A lot of men shop with us because just as seedy sex shops have made women uncomfortable, there are plenty of men that are uncomfortable in those places as well!  Who wouldn’t want to frequent a nice, comfortable, well lit, friendly place?

DIW: Any final words?  

Margo: I think folks need to know that we are always willing to listen and will try our hardest to help.  Even if we don’t know the answer to your question right then, everyone at the store is willing to do the research and help you figure out a workable solution.

Lee: Lube makes everything better. Butt sex doesn’t have to hurt. There are as many intersex people in the world as there are redheads.  Don’t buy things to make your pussy tighter or smell like flowers or your dick bigger or your body numb. 

Sex 411: Field Trip!

Early to Bed

5232 N. Sheridan Rd., Chicago

http://www.early2bed.com/

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention.  Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com