Doin' It Well

Over the past few weeks, Doin' It Well has focused on sensual massage, paying attention to our bodies, and slowing sex down.  But what if you don't have that kind of time? Pick up the pace, and have a "quickie!" Quickies are fast, intense sex. Quickies can be free from connection or emotions, or they can deepen connections, spontaneous or scheduled.  Quickies can happen almost anywhere and include anything, but the main feature is they're fast, fast, fast!

Quickie for Two

When people talk about quickies, they're usually talking about both people getting off fast.  However, many people think quickies are designed for quick, physical pleasure for men. It's no wonder that women don't always see them as a turn on. After a few quickies, the excitement can fade, because she may not be experiencing her own excitement or quick physical release through orgasm.

Quickies place the focus on physical pleasure. This can sometimes be harder for women, because they are socialized to have sex for the connection it provides. Focusing mainly on the physical sensations and pleasure - as opposed to the emotional interaction - can be freeing for some people when the quickie is part of the overall sexual repertoire. Ever fantasize about sex without connection?  A quickie with your partner might be your opportunity. You could also build fantasies around the quickie, by pretending you don't know your partner, or that you've just met and hooked up.

Because no one knows better than you how you get off fastest, mutual masturbation can be an exciting experiment. And remember: practice makes perfect! Learning how to get yourself off quickly can help you and your partner know what will keep the quickie quick and sexy. If you can't get yourself off quickly, your partner probably won't be able to get you there fast, either.

Quickies don't have to get both people off, but both should enjoy it.  As it can be difficult to get both people revved up quickly, try making the quickie all about your partner's pleasure one time and all about yours the next.

Setting the Mood

Just because quickies are fast and sometimes spontaneous doesn't mean the quickie has to start when you have sex. Quickies may not have the typical foreplay that sex usually includes, but excitement can begin long before the actual sex. In fact, talking, fantasizing, or thinking about the quickie can increase arousal, excitement and intensity. Talk with your sexual partner throughout the day and/or fantasize about what you'd like from a quickie. What do you find attractive about your partner? Where would you like to have a quickie? What would you like to do to your partner? What would you like them to do to you?  Don't be afraid to get turned on before the quickie starts; touching yourself or fantasizing can help give you the motivation you need.

Location Location Location!

Think about where you might have your quickie. At home before your day starts, or before going to bed?  Or maybe your quickies are in semi-private spaces that don't allow you to dilly-dally. Whether you're in your car, on a rooftop, or in your kitchen, thinking ahead about location can help your quickie be uninterrupted and fun. If you need to, plan an "escape route" to keep your privacy (and perhaps dignity). You can also dress for success; wearing clothes that can be easily removed, like skirts, sweatpants, or shorts, can allow for easier access.

Getting Closer

Quickies can also deepen connection between partners. Experiment with taking 10 minutes in the morning to simply gaze into each other's eyes, doing deep breathing together.  Quickies throughout the day can also build connection in your relationship. In fact, quickies can help get you awake and ready for your day, or energized to continue your day. Many people think that orgasms induce sleep and so quickies may lead to feeling tired. While both men & women feel relaxed and perhaps sleepy after experiencing orgasm, the excitement of a quickie can increase energy levels.

No Pressure

Quickies are about having fun, quick, sex. But not all partners are willing or able to drop everything for a romp.  Think about what's going on for your partner before you ask about having a quickie. If your partner is completely swamped at work, asking them to leave for quick sex at lunchtime can seem callous. On the other hand, if you're the one who is stressed out, consider a quickie to get you through that rough day with smile!  A quickie should be fun and stress relieving for both of you. Talk with your partner to find out what you both want (and when you want it).

Next week, we'll answer a reader question about local sex shops.

Sex 411

Quick, spontaneous sex can also be somewhat "planned" so that you don't have to interrupt the flow: make sure the condoms and lube are readily accessible!

Block, J. The Art of the Quickie (2006)

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention.  Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Hello,

I have been reading your interesting articles and have a question for you. I do not have a problem in managing or maintaining an erection (In fact it can cause a little embarrassment with my quick erections). I sometimes find that after getting really excited and turned on during foreplay I only tend to last a few minutes during penetration before I ejaculate. Is this normal, as you hear of these porn actors who go on for hours? Would you say I would benefit from a cock ring under these circumstances just to prolong penetration?

Thank you,

R.H.

Dear R.H.

Thanks for the question. Sounds like the problem you are having is premature ejaculation or PE. We're not sure a cock ring will actually help that condition. As you know, cock rings are designed to keep blood in the penis. Using a cock ring may have a slight numbing effect, but that is usually not helpful in managing PE.

In fact, the main goal to address PE is increased sensory awareness. That means it's important that men be very aware of the sensations they are experiencing. But, there's good news!  PE is actually very treatable. In fact, it's the most common sexual problem men experience.

Keep in mind that on average men ejaculate within three minutes of penetration. Having said that, many men want to control how long it takes them to ejaculate, so they have the option to climax quickly or to prolong it, depending on the situation. Learning to control your level of arousal, and therefore ejaculation, is possible and desired by many men, whether or not they have "premature ejaculation." Here are some tips.

Masturbation exercise

Try this exercise: gain an erection, and stimulate yourself but stop stimulation before you climax. Let your arousal subside a bit (it may be helpful to use a 1-10 scale, with 10 being you've just ejaculated). Once arousal has decreased, resume stimulation-slowly. Repeat this without climaxing twice and on the third time, ejaculate normally. First, try this exercise without lube or other stimulus (i.e., porn). It will help you begin to control your levels of arousal and help build your confidence that this is possible. Using the scale may help give you a measure to use to tell you how close to climax you are.

Don't Think of Something Else

Recalling baseball stats or making a mental grocery list won't help you here. Thinking of something else is usually ineffective in managing PE. The goal is for you to recognize how aroused you are, and thinking about something less arousing distracts you from what you are experiencing. From the beginning of sexual activity, pay attention to how excited you are, (you may want to use your arousal scale). If you start kissing your partner and realize you're already at a 7, you might want to take a breather to allow your arousal to decrease a bit. Don't rush it. Slow down, take some deep breaths and focus on not only how aroused you are, but what stimulus is arousing you.

Relaxation

It can be helpful to do deep breathing exercises, and progressive muscle relaxation before sexual activity to relax your body, including your pelvic muscles. You may want to ask your partner to give you a massage as a way to relax before starting sexual activity.

Stop-start technique

Slow down or stop stimulation if you are too aroused. Wait to enter your partner until you feel your arousal is under control. Once you do enter your partner, don't start thrusting right away. Simply remain still inside of them, paying attention to your level of arousal. Once you feel in control, begin thrusting slowly, stopping when you get too aroused and before you climax (like in the masturbation exercise).  Practice makes perfect, so be patient.

General Anxiety?

Sometimes anxiety in general can affect PE. If you think you experience this in your life, consult a therapist or doctor.

Alternative sexual behaviors

If you ejaculate before you want to, this doesn't mean sex has to end. There are lots of ways to continue to be intimate with your partner, including ways you can stimulate them to orgasm, if that's the concern. Talk with your partner about other ways to enjoy sexual pleasure that do not require an erect penis or penetration!

Remember, most porn is a poor example of realistic (or healthy) sexuality. Most men don't last for hours, and usually aren't able to thrust in various positions without getting even a leg cramp. Although porn may be arousing, it often misinforms us about healthy sexuality.

Stay tuned until next week when we discuss the "art" of the quickie.

Sex 411: Resources on PE

Kaplan (1989):  PE:  How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation

Metz & McCarthy (2003):  Coping with Premature Ejaculation

Consult a sex therapist in your area for further help.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Some of you have probably heard or perhaps thought this question before. The short answer: The same way straight people do. They meet each other, touch each other, kiss each other, stimulate each other's genitals, go down on each other, penetrate each other (perhaps) and experience orgasm. 

So now that we've cleared up the details of that, there is something else that LGBT people sometimes have to work through in order to have satisfying, safe, pleasurable, hot sex lives:  internalized homophobia.  

How Can LGBT People Be Homophobic?

In our society, LGBT people not only have to fear anti-gay violence, but they also are subjected to beliefs that say they are deviant or abnormal. Internalized homophobia happens when LGBT people take the negative messages from the larger society and internalize those negative characteristics, believing them about themselves.  Consequently, it can be more difficult for LGBT people to accept their sexuality, come out, and fully enjoy their sexual and romantic lives. In addition, it may limit their sexual expression.

Feeling shame about sex blows! 

We all have the right to express ourselves sexually and to experience sexual pleasure in ways that feel satisfying to us (assuming they are not harmful to others).  But when our sexual expression is limited or we receive messages which say that what turns us on is wrong, we may begin to feel bad about who we are and what we do sexually, whether we are by ourselves or with a partner.

For example, internalized homophobia can affect the way we think we are supposed to look or act. If "butch" is a negative term, then it may feel like you have to be more "feminine" in order to fit into societal expectations. If you are a gay man, you might be a big nelly bottom, but have to act like a top both in and out of the gay community, based on gender expectations for "real men."  Even gay personal ads buy into this "the straighter the better" philosophy with requests for "straight-acting" men.  It's hard to keep your internalized fear or dislike of gay people repressed with a flamboyant queen caressing your ass. 

Gender expectations and acceptance are heavily tied to homophobia, and we all need to check ourselves when it comes to how we think others should act.  

Internalized homophobia can also lead to quick or unprotected sex, or sex that we try not to think too hard about (excuse the pun) as a way to avoid negative feelings we might have about gay or lesbian sex being "bad."

Whether LGBT or straight, think about what sexual behaviors you shy away from based on homophobia. How would your sexual expression be different if homophobia didn't exist? Would you make out with your same-gendered partner while stopped at a red light?  As a straight man, would you ask your partner to massage your anus when she performs oral sex?  If you're straight, would you feel more comfortable watching images of gay, lesbian and trans sexuality in the media (ex:  Brokeback Mountain) and maybe even get turned on? As a lesbian, would you go on more dates, feeling more freedom to be openly romantic in public? If you're trans, would you feel more comfortable letting your partner know your gender identity? If you're bi, would you feel less likely to hook up with someone secretly so that you didn't have to again explain to your LGT or straight friends that you're bi?

Once you figure out what behaviors feel limited to you, you can then begin to work through your own negative feelings to allow you to broaden your sexual expression.  Some people may not have thought about this before. You may begin to think about what it would be like for you to slowly make love to a same-gendered partner, being fully sober and present with them, experiencing every last detail of the sexual experience.  Or you might wonder what feelings - both negative and positive - might come up for you if you participate in LGBT social events. Once the negative feelings are identified and attached to certain situations, relationships or sexual behaviors, you are then empowered to examine them either by yourself, within a support group, with a therapist, friends or other LGBT people. This will help you ditch those negative thoughts and feelings and get on with your sex life.

It's up to all of us

The solution is not simply for LGBT people to work through their internalized homophobia. Internal work is only half the story if we live in a society where it isn't physically safe to walk down the street and hold your same-sex partners hand. The larger society needs to get rid of homophobia, because eliminating it will have a positive influence on all of us. By checking our homophobia, we can all ensure that we are able to have the best sex lives we can have, whether by ourselves, or with a same- or different-gendered partner.

Sex 411: Happy Coming Out Day!

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. Celebrate!

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of human sexuality and violence prevention.  Email them your questions at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

What is the purpose of the AIDS Walk? 

The AIDS Walk has a dual purpose.  One is to raise funds for GCAP who provides services to people in Champaign County and the surrounding areas who are living with HIV/AIDS.  The second (and frankly much more important to us) is to raise awareness about HIV/AIDS in our own backyard and how it affects everyone.

What do you think it will take to reduce the rates of HIV? 

I truly believe that two simple things need to happen to decrease or eliminate the spread of HIV/AIDS.  The first thing is communication: talking about sexuality with your family, friends and especially your partner(s).  Fear of being embarrassed has been at the root of many people making decisions they later regretted, or that impacted their health. 

The second thing is more difficult and that is to remove the stigma that surrounds HIV.  Sadly, the stigma that surrounds HIV is perpetuated by people and organizations that don't have the facts or are scared to find them out.  Since this disease was originally thought to be a "gay disease" or one that can be associated with drug use, it made it easy for some groups to feel that people got what they deserved.  The fact that HIV is a sexually transmitted disease only adds to the taboo.

What is the biggest misconception that people have about HIV or AIDS or both? 

Plain and simple, that it can't or won't happen to them.  A friend of mine who is HIV+ said that he got that way because he was too lazy to go to a convenient store to get a condom because he was sure this wasn't something he had to worry about.
 
How can the community help combat HIV/AIDS? 

By knowing the facts and how the disease is transmitted and taking that information to heart.  By supporting groups and organizations like Planned Parenthood's Teen Awareness Group (who does peer to peer sexual health counseling) and the Greater Community AIDS Project and all of their efforts.  Folks can also volunteer for these and other agencies that provide HIV prevention and AIDS support services.
 
How can people get involved with GCAP? 

At GCAP we welcome volunteers to help us with everything from preparing mailings, being a member of fundraising planning committee (like for Artists Against AIDS), to setting up speaking engagements for the GCAP Director at your service club, church or student organization.  Unfortunately, there are few direct interactions with our clients due to confidentiality issues.  And of course, people can donate their time, money, furniture or gently used household items.
 
What messages do you think people need to hear about healthy sexuality or to help them have good, safe sex?  

HIV, as well as most other sexually transmitted diseases can be prevented.  The most common way to avoid STD's is by correctly using a condom every time you have sex.  Personally, I still believe that open communication will accomplish the same thing and also open the door to a healthier, more satisfying and fun sexual relationship.  Imagine the adventures you could have if you only opened up to your partner and they did the same!
 
What are the details of the AIDS Walk? 

The 19th Annual All Walks of Life, AIDS Walk will be held on Sunday, October 7 with registration at 11:30 am and the walk beginning promptly at 12 noon.  The Walk begins and ends at the Illini Grove pavilion (located at the corner of Lincoln and Pennsylvania Ave in Urbana) and consists of a 2 mile walk from the pavilion to the Alma Mater statue and back.  There is no cost to be involved in the Walk, but we do encourage people to register a team for $60 which gives you 5 t-shirts.  Others have solicited pledges from friends and family, the proceeds will benefit GCAP.  We will have several quilt panels on display of local people who lost their battle with AIDS.  We will have free food and beverages on hand for all walkers and there will be live music following the walk.  Any inquiries about the walk or how to get more involved with GCAP can be addressed by calling 351-2437 or e-mailing me at terimccarthy@hotmail.com

Prevention is the key to stopping the spread of HIV.  It's also important that we all support individuals living with HIV & AIDS in our own community. Come out this Sunday to show your support for GCAP, HIV education & prevention! 

Sex 411:

• The 19^th Annual Alpha Epsilon Phi AIDS Walk
• 12-2pm (11:30 registration) Sunday, October 7th
• Illini Grove Pavillion (Pennsylvania & Lincoln, Urbana)

Kim Rice & Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality & violence prevention.  As next week is National Coming Out Day, stay tuned as they tackle internalized homophobia.