Flipping the Script: Talking to your parents about sex
For many people, the idea of talking to their parents about sex feels weird and awkward. However, whether you’re a teenager, college student or older adult, opening up a dialogue that many people have never had with their parents can bring empowerment, closeness and a better understanding of our own sense of who we are sexually.
We know that teenagers want to talk to their parents about sex, but some don’t get that opportunity. Our parents are sexual individuals, but we usually go through adolescence and continue into adulthood without ever having an honest conversation about sex and sexuality. What impacted their values about sex? What decisions did they make about sex for themselves?
Well, it’s time we take matters into our own hands and not wait for our parents to initiate a conversation that might never happen. So whether you’re 13 or 35, sit down and have “the talk” with your parents or other adults in your family.
Top 10 Things to Ask your Parents:
- What do they remember thinking and feeling when they found out they were pregnant with you?
- What do they remember about giving birth to you? (Or adopting you?)
- How did you express gender when you were growing up? What things did you do that were “very boy-like?” What did you do that was “girl-like?” What did your parents think of those things?
- Did you ever ask them where babies came from? How did they respond?
- What other questions do they remember you asking them as a child?
- How did your parents decide how many children to have?
- Did your parents ever do anything to try and prevent pregnancy? If so, what?
- What things do (or did) your parents want you to know about sex? Where did they think you learned it from?
- What are two values about sex that your parents have?
- What things did your parents learn (or not learn) about sex when they were growing up? Is there anything they wish they would have learned?
Some of these questions may feel more comfortable than others. We suggest you start with the first couple because they are less threatening and build up to later questions. You may be surprised how your parents or other adults in your family will open up about some of these topics, especially if you express an interest in the answers.
Learning the answers to these questions and others can help us understand the factors that influence who we are as sexual people. It helps us learn how our values were shaped and to decide what our beliefs are now. It can also allow us to be closer to our parents and gain an understanding of how myths and misinformation have shaped their beliefs about sexuality, too!
It can also be cool to learn things about our parents we never knew before and to hear the stories of how they learned about sex. People have told us how they thought their parents were totally against birth control, but later find out that their parents used the pill for years and are OK with people using birth control as long as they are married. Another person learned that her mother would have definitely used birth control if her father would have “let her.” Yet another person was surprised to hear stories of aunts who got pregnant at a very young age, which was the reason behind their mother’s adamant “Don’t have sex, it will ruin your life!” comments.
Talking to adults in our families about the topic of sexuality allows all of us to become more comfortable about the topic. It helps us understand the (lack of) information our parents had, how much information they wish they did have, and the reasons we may have learned very little about sex from them.
Good Boundaries!
Don’t freak your parents out. An honest discussion doesn’t mean sharing stories of sexual experiences. Keep those conversations between you and your friends and partners. Don’t ask your parents about the details of their sex life, either. Respect their privacy and build good boundaries around your privacy as well.
Also, this conversation may allow your parents to ask you some direct questions. It may be a good idea to think about in advance how you want to answer if your parents ask you if you are having sex, or have had sex. Of course you have the right to tell them, or not to tell them. Be prepared about how you want to answer. We all have the right to privacy in our sexual lives.
Sex 411 Additional Questions for Parents
- What did they learn from their parents about sex? (or about puberty or menstruation or “the birds & the bees”)
- What kind of sex education did they get when they were in school?
- What concerns do they have about young people & sex today?
Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of human sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com
