Doin’ It Well

We’ve all seen the magazine covers that advertise for the latest tips to “drive women” or “drive men” wild.  Want a tip for some really hot sex? Try sensual massage.

Sensual massage is about expanding the sexual experience to incorporate the entire body and all the senses. Sensual massage can increase intimacy, build communication between partners, and increase sexual pleasure. In addition, those who choose to postpone or abstain from sex may find massage to be a great way to be intimate with a partner, without intercourse. It also can help partners experience pleasure if one partner has a sexual dysfunction, or an injury or disability that affects sex.

Sensual massage is a time to focus on your partner’s entire body. It may lead to sex, but the purpose of sensual massage is not necessarily arousal or orgasm. During a sensual massage, partners have an opportunity to focus on giving and receiving sensual touch and pleasure which can build the connection between partners.

Creating the Right Atmosphere

Because sensual massage is about awakening all of your senses, it is important that the environment for the massage helps you achieve this.

The physical location should be comfortable. The room should be warm/cool enough if you plan to be naked. You might also want to light candles or dim the lights. In addition, try to make sure your space is private and uninterrupted. Make sure you have enough time. At least 30 minutes to an hour should be carved out; you can’t rush relaxation.

Next, set up your needed materials. A sheet to cover the couch, bed, etc., some extra towels, and baby oil or scented massage oils and lubricant nearby.  For genital massage, water-based lubricants (such as Astroglide or Wet) may be gentler (and won’t wear down latex). Your partner may also want pillows to cushion their head, back, and hips during the massage.

Relaxing

Talk with your partner about whether this is a sensual/sexual massage, or simply a body massage, and if there any areas that they don’t want to be touched. Remember what happens when you assume! Additionally, massage can sometimes bring up powerful feelings of love, joy, connection, and sometimes, sadness or other feelings that partners may need to talk about either during or after the massage.

A Touching Moment

When both partners are ready, ask the receiver to lie down on their stomach on the sheet. The giver should warm the massage oil in their hands before applying it to the receiver’s body. Ask your partner if they have any injuries or soreness. You’re probably not a trained masseuse, so avoid painful or injured spots.

Most massage guides suggest beginning at the neck and shoulders, moving down the back to the small of the back/top of the buttocks. The giver can also move down their partner’s buttocks, to their thighs and calves, to their feet. The giver can alternate between heavy and light touch, using fingertips, palms, and knuckles to massage the receiver’s muscles.

While massaging your partner, pay special attention to sensitive areas. Touching their feet and toes, inner thighs, small of their back, scalp, fingers, neck, and ears can be especially erotic. Even though the focus on the massage is not genital, your touch can brush near your partner’s genitals to increase the sexual arousal.

Once you have massaged your partners back, you may ask them to turn over onto their back or you can switch and then become the receiver of touch.

Genital massage

During genital massage, the same rules apply as before. Your partner’s genitals are an extension of their body, and you can alternate touching your partner’s genitals with the rest of their body. Communicate with your partner about what feels good to them and how they like to be touched.

If you are using latex barriers or condoms for safe sex, be sure to keep them away from the massage oils and lotions as they will break-down the latex.

Better to Give than to Receive?

Sensual massage can be a moment for both partners to experience giving and receiving, either of which can be challenging. Regardless of the role you’re playing at the time, pay attention to the sensations, pleasure and feelings you experience.

The giver of the massage should also pay attention to the pleasure they are experiencing when giving the massage.  Many people believe massage is for the person receiving it, when in fact the giver should fully experience the sensations and pleasure of touching their partner’s body.

Next week, we’ll feature an interview with Terri McCarthy from the Greater Community AIDS Project discussing the upcoming AIDS Walk.

Sex 411: Sensual massage resources

• Mumford: Sensual Massage (2002)
• Russell & Kolb: The Tao of Sensual Massage (2003)
• Zeer: Lovers’ Massage (2007)

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of human sexuality and violence prevention.  Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

For many people, the idea of talking to their parents about sex feels weird and awkward. However, whether you’re a teenager, college student or older adult, opening up a dialogue that many people have never had with their parents can bring empowerment, closeness and a better understanding of our own sense of who we are sexually.  

We know that teenagers want to talk to their parents about sex, but some don’t get that opportunity. Our parents are sexual individuals, but we usually go through adolescence and continue into adulthood without ever having an honest conversation about sex and sexuality. What impacted their values about sex? What decisions did they make about sex for themselves?  

Well, it’s time we take matters into our own hands and not wait for our parents to initiate a conversation that might never happen. So whether you’re 13 or 35, sit down and have “the talk” with your parents or other adults in your family.  

Top 10 Things to Ask your Parents: 

• What do they remember thinking and feeling when they found out they were pregnant with you?
• What do they remember about giving birth to you? (Or adopting you?)
• How did you express gender when you were growing up? What things did you do that were “very boy-like?” What did you do that was “girl-like?”  What did your parents think of those things?
• Did you ever ask them where babies came from? How did they respond?
• What other questions do they remember you asking them as a child?
• How did your parents decide how many children to have?
• Did your parents ever do anything to try and prevent pregnancy? If so, what?
• What things do (or did) your parents want you to know about sex? Where did they think you learned it from?
• What are two values about sex that your parents have?
• What things did your parents learn (or not learn) about sex when they were growing up?  Is there anything they wish they would have learned?

Some of these questions may feel more comfortable than others. We suggest you start with the first couple because they are less threatening and build up to later questions. You may be surprised how your parents or other adults in your family will open up about some of these topics, especially if you express an interest in the answers. 

Learning the answers to these questions and others can help us understand the factors that influence who we are as sexual people. It helps us learn how our values were shaped and to decide what our beliefs are now. It can also allow us to be closer to our parents and gain an understanding of how myths and misinformation have shaped their beliefs about sexuality, too!  

It can also be cool to learn things about our parents we never knew before and to hear the stories of how they learned about sex.  People have told us how they thought their parents were totally against birth control, but later find out that their parents used the pill for years and are OK with people using birth control as long as they are married. Another person learned that her mother would have definitely used birth control if her father would have “let her.”  Yet another person was surprised to hear stories of aunts who got pregnant at a very young age, which was the reason behind their mother’s adamant “Don’t have sex, it will ruin your life!” comments. 

Talking to adults in our families about the topic of sexuality allows all of us to become more comfortable about the topic. It helps us understand the (lack of) information our parents had, how much information they wish they did have, and the reasons we may have learned very little about sex from them.  

Good Boundaries!

Don’t freak your parents out. An honest discussion doesn’t mean sharing stories of sexual experiences. Keep those conversations between you and your friends and partners. Don’t ask your parents about the details of their sex life, either. Respect their privacy and build good boundaries around your privacy as well.  

Also, this conversation may allow your parents to ask you some direct questions. It may be a good idea to think about in advance how you want to answer if your parents ask you if you are having sex, or have had sex. Of course you have the right to tell them, or not to tell them. Be prepared about how you want to answer. We all have the right to privacy in our sexual lives.  

Sex 411 Additional Questions for Parents

• What did they learn from their parents about sex? (or about puberty or menstruation or “the birds & the bees”)
• What kind of sex education did they get when they were in school?
• What concerns do they have about young people & sex today?

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of human sexuality and violence prevention.  Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com 

Although the term “swingers” may evoke images of ’70s suburbia and “key parties,” swinging is still alive and well.

The swinging lifestyle or “the lifestyle” describes individuals, but usually couples, who have sex with someone other than their partners, with the full knowledge and consent of their partners. Unlike polyamory - where the focus may be on developing other relationships - swinging generally refers to recreational sex with others. Swinging can happen in group settings at a swing party, swing club, between two or more couples in a more private setting, or by bringing a third person to enjoy sex with a couple - a threesome.

Who are swingers?
Swingers vary across race, gender, age, shape, size and sexuality. Although partners may have sex with other people by swinging, the primary connection is still between the couple. Single people may be involved in the swing scene, but single men are discouraged (or charged very high entrance rates at swing clubs) from attending. Single women, on the other hand, are often encouraged to attend, especially if they would be willing to be sexually intimate with other women. Gay and bi men, however, are often implicitly discouraged from attending many of the mostly straight swing clubs.

The Swinging Agreement
Swinging isn’t cheating; it is an agreement a couple makes. (In fact, “cheaters” who are caught may be shunned from future swinging interactions.) Couples that swing talk about being very secure in their relationships, and they see swinging as a way to enhance their relationships. The “lifestyle” requirements are very clear: both partners need to be completely comfortable and honest with each other to fully enjoy swinging.

Swinging couples also establish rules with one another about what their swinging interactions will look like. Some couples may agree to sex but no kissing because that may feel too intimate. Some couples may agree to touching, but not to penetrative sex. Establishing these ground rules before getting into a swing, as well as opening up communication during and afterwards, helps couples stay connected to one another and enjoy themselves more.

Where the Swingers Are
Swing parties may be “off-premise” - the swingers meet in one place but have sex elsewhere - or “on-premise” - the swingers meet and have sex in the same location.

Swing clubs are privately owned spaces where swing parties are held. There may be a cover fee or a membership fee to be part of the club. Swing clubs often have private memberships and may require couples or singles to complete an interview before being accepted. Just like swingers themselves, swing clubs vary, ranging from upscale night clubs to renovated western-style restaurants.

Contact lists and swing communities abound online. These may be categorized by location (like the East Central Illinois Swing Group) or interests (such as Central Illinois Campers That Swing). These online communities announce parties, seek out interactions and share resources.

Swinging Etiquette
Most clubs and groups post a list of etiquette to help members (especially first timers). First and foremost, no means no. Despite an expectation that people at a swing party will engage in any sexual interaction, all the swinging resources say swingers are able to say - and should graciously accept - a no. At the same time, they make it clear that swing parties are not for lurkers; people who come to the party should be willing to be sexual, although they should be able to define for themselves what that means. In addition, safer sex is important and expected, so be sure to bring condoms, latex barriers, and lube.

Every swing group is different, and it may be important to explore if you jive with the values and norms of the club. Do you like the people you meet? Do you like the community? Be patient. Take your time and find a group that is right for you.

Boys Who Like Boys Need Not Apply
In the swinging lifestyle, male-on-male sexual interactions seems to be discouraged. A recent article on the Chicago Tribune Red Eye interviewed a Chicago-based swing group called Tha’ Sex Kittens. At a party held by the group, rooms were provided for bisexual and bi-curious women to interact, but no similar room was made available for bisexual or bi-curious men.

Swinging can be a place to challenge assumptions about sex and sexuality, and we were disappointed to find that many communities did not encourage a full range of sexual expression, including males exploring sex play with other males.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. E-mail them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

We continue this week with the second part of our series on reducing the demand for prostitution and other forms of purchasing sex.

What Johns Think

Doin’ It Well interviewed Rachel Durchslag, the Executive Director of Chicago Alliance Against Sexual Exploitation (CAASE), an organization focused on reducing the demand for prostitution. CAASE recently interviewed over 100 men who had purchased sex about their experiences and feelings about buying sex, their general sentiments towards women, their acceptance of prostitution and rape and what they think it would take to deter men from purchasing sex.

These “johns” presented a range of reasons for buying sex, from feeling lonely to desiring to sexually dominate another person. A few of the men were survivors of sexual violence, and felt as though buying sex helped them feel more in control sexually. Also, they had a range of feelings about themselves before and after buying sex. Afterwards, most of the men talked about feeling disgusting or ashamed.

Empathy: the 2nd step

Last week we suggested that the first step to reduce the demand is to focus on the johns.  This week, we want to explore empathy. Somehow, it’s hard for people, including johns, to see the injustice in the treatment of women who are trafficked for sex. Sometimes people are unaware of the violence these women experience. Other times they simply believe that the women somehow ask for it, because of the profession they chose. In order to promote mutually satisfying, great sex for everyone, we all need to consider the people with whom we are sexual and their humanity.

When the johns interviewed by CAASE were asked how the prostitutes they bought sex from felt, many wanted to believe that these women were attracted to them, that they really desired the sexual experience. Others couldn’t produce “feeling” words, like happy or sad, for the woman in prostitution, such as happy or sad, since they disassociate the woman as a person and instead reduced her to an object.  Many johns were very unsettled by this question. They wanted her to be a fantasy that they could act out, not a real person who they were paying for sex.

This lack of empathy for the prostitute was at the core of the men’s justifications for their behavior. By being in touch with the experience of these women (or man or trans person), the ways that johns buy sex have to change; they must see this person for who they are, another human being who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, just as they do.  This may make them less likely to believe they have a right to harm or humiliate prostitutes, because the woman they have purchased is no longer an anonymous fantasy, but a real person. 

Empathy Exercise

In a workshop Ross has facilitated, men from an audience are asked to imitate poses from pornographic images. The group slowly realizes that getting into and maintaining these positions is more difficult than they had expected.  They become very aware of the vulnerability and degradation of the job when men in the audience say things to coach them into the poses, like “pout more,” “look drunk,” and “spread your legs wider.”   Everyone begins to realize that the alluring smile in the photograph doesn’t seem to fit with the contortionism the men are performing to imitate the pose.

The group will initially claim “she wants this” or “she likes it.”  But when they see men posing, they have a different take on what these images are selling. They also gain an understanding that porn is made in deliberate ways to sell the fantasy of a woman’s availability.

Shifting the demand

There’s a power differential that is being exploited whenever sex is bought from a prostitute. Eliminating the demand for paid sex work will ultimately create communities in which everyone is having the type of sex that they deserve; sex based on physical, emotional, spiritual and relational needs and desires and not on economics.

In the short term, we need to work for safer conditions, better healthcare and harm-reduction strategies for those working in the sex trade industry. But in a much larger way we need to address the conditions that allow the demand to continue.

Money talks and we have choices about how we choose to spend ours. We can begin to challenge ourselves to think about the sex we purchase and consume, whether at a strip club, porn shop or on the street. We can at that point be more informed consumers deciding for ourselves what we want to “buy.”

We can also begin to think more deeply about purchasing others for our sexual enjoyment and satisfaction. We can shift the focus from “but she’s selling it” to “why would I buy it?” and examine what this means for ourselves and our community.  This will allow us all to keep Doin’ It Well.

Sex 411: Illinois Resources

• Young Women’s Empowerment Project – safe spaces for young women impacted by the sex trade (www.youarepriceless.org)
• Christian Community Health Fellowship Footprints – resource for adults in the sex trade (www.cchf.org)
• Chicago Alliance Against Sexual Exploitation – organization focused on reducing the demand for prostitution (www.caase.org)

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention.  Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com