Doin’ It Well

This past spring, we facilitated a workshop to a group of college-aged men about drunk sex. We asked the men to create a list of the qualities of “good sex.” One group drew stick-pictures of a man having “doggy-style” sex with a large-breasted woman and a list of qualities such as “handcuffs” and “rough.” The other group made a list of items that included “mutual,” “consent,” “foreplay,” and “orgasms for everyone.” The first group laughed and poked at each other while they generated their list. The second group pondered their answers in a more somber way.

Later in the workshop, we asked them about the generation of their lists, and whether that was the type of sex that they believed their peers were having. Both groups said no. When asked how they can work for the type of sex they want, one member insightfully said that the way he often jokes with his friends about sex makes it difficult to have an honest conversation with other guys about the topic.

Sometimes in our workshop, groups of men create something more like a grocery list than a list of qualities of good sex. These lists usually include whipped cream, strenuous sexual positions, and the physical characteristics of a well-endowed (female) partner. When men in the group add words like “mutual,” they are made fun of. It is clear that men don’t often have a forum in which to talk openly with other men about good sex. Good sex that, by their own admittance, they want but aren’t having!

Men supposedly think about and talk about sex all the time. But we wonder whether guys are really being honest with each other when they talk about it, and when we ask men, they say they aren’t! Because of this, men are susceptible to receive misinformation from each other.  Society sets men up for this, and plays a role in the messages they receive and therefore internalize.

For example, men are told (sold) that they are supposed to know what they are talking about when it comes to sex. The media tells them that they should possess incredible sexual endurance, be well-endowed, and innately know what goes where. Part of pretending to know everything about sex also means filling the conversation with jokes-jokes that help us not to be accountable in the event our lack of knowledge is evident (aw, man, I was just kidding).

At the same time, it’s really vulnerable to talk about our sexual desires and questions with anyone, whether a partner or close friend. Vulnerability isn’t a celebrated male trait and talking about sex reveals a more vulnerable side. It may be easier to joke about the outrageous than talk about the serious.

We believe that men lose out when they buy into this way of relating to each other. They miss a valuable place to share real information. Rather than focusing on conquests or specific sex acts, conversations could be about sharing sexual feelings, experiences, questions and frustrations with each other.  This dismantles the front that men may have to put on for each other, and their sexual partners.

We read an article recently that spoke about a man who had been put in charge of his best friend’s bachelor party. He wanted to create an environment where the men could celebrate their male bond and the impending wedding. But he didn’t want to recreate the stereotype of a sexist bachelor party; he insisted that he would not hire a stripper. But what would be fun about that?

Determined to change this perception, he invited the men together for a party, but instead of talking about sex while focusing on a stripper or porn, he started talking with his friends about what he had hoped for the party, what they liked about their sexual experiences with partners, what they themselves enjoyed sexually, and even what their feelings were about sex and sexuality. Now that’s outrageous sex talk! And, the men had a great time.

Women and gay men often have conversations about sexuality with each other while straight men are left out of the loop when it comes to these important conversations, to their detriment. How can men combat the fear of being labeled “soft” “gay” or “a wuss” and start having conversations that many men crave and from which all men would benefit? After our workshops with men, they overwhelmingly agree that it was nice to be able to talk seriously about sex with other guys, an opportunity they rarely have.

Sex 4-1-1: Calling all men: talk to your friends about sex! (They want you to).

• Take the challenge: host a sex party that involves conversations between men about sex & sexuality, without a focus on women or pornography.
• Show other men this article and ask them what they think
• Get a group of men together and have them brainstorm a list of qualities of “good sex” and then talk about your lists

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Hey guys, email us at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com