Sexy Mamas: Sex While Pregnant, Part 2
Making Babies
Last week, we started discussing the joys of sex while pregnant. As we said, pregnancy doesn’t mean the end of sex. Sex during pregnancy is normal, but the ways in which others begin talking with pregnant people about their sex lives at times seems a little strange.
Consider the ways we talk about sex when a couple is trying to get, or has become, pregnant. Normal, kind people who would never dream of asking about your sex life suddenly ask how often you are “trying” or “did you try long?” A curtain seems to drop, and casual acquaintances feel like they have permission to inquire about the specifics of your sex life. In addition, it seems that when a woman is pregnant, everyone around her begins to feel more comfortable sharing information about their own sex life, as in “my husband and I tried for two years.”
Keep in mind that these conversations often take place in public, in a meeting at work, at the grocery store, in front of parents and grandparents and with people the pregnant couple may barely know.
It’s a dramatic split from the usual ways we (don’t) talk about sex. Either you’re having sex for your own pleasure and it’s not discussed, or you’re having sex towards the “noble” end of reproducing and everybody’s talking about it, even if you don’t want them to be. This is another example of the beliefs we hold about sex and sexuality as being taboo, shameful, and wrong, unless new life is involved. This seems weird to us, considering what we know: most people who have sex are not trying to conceive.
Madonna’s a Whore?
Pregnant women and their partners may struggle with what pregnancy means about their sex life, and their sexuality - all the ways that they see themselves as sexual beings. Non-pregnant partners may be very aware that they are being sexual with a sweet, dear mother of a child. For pregnant couples, both partners may need to talk about their ideas about motherhood, parenthood, and the ways in which their view of themselves and their partner as sexual beings may be changing.
There must be something very taboo about sex with a pregnant woman, because a whole fetish exists around this behavior. It may speak to the ways in which we need to compartmentalize women and their sexuality. Women, over here, can be sweet and motherly. Women, over there can be sexy and whorish. But, these women cannot exist together in our minds. This is bullshit.
Being sexy only because of one small part of who you are can leave the pregnant woman feeling like less of a person. Pregnant women, like all women, sometimes feel sexy and sexual. At other times they don’t. The important piece is that a pregnant woman’s sexual allure is part of her whole person.
Hot Mama
Happily, many people find their pregnant partners to be very sexy and are attracted to them in a new way. Perhaps this is because a pregnant woman is a sign of fertility or because of the promise of something new, but feelings of love and excitement about the new baby and toward a partner may appear. These feelings of closeness & connection by both partners can lead to really great sex.
But pregnant women may not be internalizing a sense of sexiness or have a picture of the “great fertile mother,” and she might begin to feel self conscious about her body. It’s important to talk about these feelings with your partner to get the reassurance you may need.
Fears
Sometimes, fears - not necessarily related to sex - can leak into the bedroom undetected and unnoticed. There’s an awful lot of pressure especially for first time parents. Fears about inadequacy as a parent can become generalized and internalized in a way that can then affect a person’s confidence and comfort in the bedroom.
Sex during pregnancy can also bring up a lot of values and beliefs people have in general about sex. Some people think it’s inappropriate to have sex “in front of the baby.” Trust us; the unborn baby can’t see what you’re doing. But, the baby does probably have a sense of how good the mom feels and when mom feels good, baby feels good.
Even if you’re already pregnant, keep on tryin’!
We Will Not Misspell the Former Surgeon General’s Name
We will not misspell the former surgeon general’s name.
We will not misspell the former surgeon general’s name.
Dr. Joycelyn Elders was the surgeon general under President Clinton. Don’t be like us. Spell it correctly!
Sex 411: Pleasurable Readings for Pregnant Women and their Partners
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Margot, Herman, & Robino - The Pregnant Couple’s guide to Sex, Romance, and Intimacy
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Semans & Winks - The Mother’s Guide to Sex
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Westheimer & Grunebaum: Dr. Ruth’s Pregnancy Guide for Couples
Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com
