Doin’ It Well

In honor of Father’s Day, Doin’ It Well thought it would be a good idea to address how fathers can be actively involved in a positive way in their daughters’ sexual development. A father (and other men who are primary caretakers to kids) has a huge responsibility of raising his daughter and may share a special bond with her as one of the earliest men in her life. Because of this, fathers have an important role in helping their daughters understand sex.
 

The Current Script
We’re all familiar with how differently girls and boys are raised when it comes to sexuality, sex education and gender roles. Boys are given condoms, told not to get anyone pregnant and, in general, have later curfews. Girls are told to avoid sending the “wrong message” and that they should be firm against sexual pressure from boys.

What strikes us about this script is it completely denies female sexual desire. It’s also really condescending to girls (they need to be protected … by men). Of course all parents want to protect their children, but when it comes to sexuality, this plays out very differently for girls. Also, this sets the stage for how women begin to view themselves as sexual people.

Take the example of “Purity Balls.” The intention of these events is to strengthen the relationship between a father and his daughter, and to encourage abstinence until marriage. A girl attends a dance with her father as her date, and vows to remain abstinent until marriage - for herself and for her father. As one father put it: “[In] today’s day and age, if the daughters are sexually active before they’re married that ceremony really is meaningless because the father’s not giving anyone away.”

Another example of how girls are taught that men “protect” them from sexuality and are also the guardians of all things sexual is a recent cell phone commercial. A father sits with a young man while his daughter gets ready for a date. The father lets the gentleman caller know that his picture/number is in his daughter’s cell phone. The father threatens, “It’s almost like I’m watching you, all the time,” which is clear code for “Don’t try anything with my daughter.”

In both of these examples, the message is that sexual drive for a teenage boy is normal and that the girl’s father will protect his daughter from it. These messages reinforce the idea that girls need men to protect them from boys’ sexual desire and to a lesser degree, their own sexuality. It also places an emphasis on a female’s sexuality as property and that her sexual “innocence” defines her worth.
 

What a Girl Needs
We have to wonder: why don’t fathers actually talk to their daughters about their romantic and sexual desires, feelings and emotions, and help her make sense of them? It would be awesome to see dads sitting down with their daughters before a date and asking them if they have questions about hand holding, kissing, or sex.

Simultaneously, helping both girls and boys understand sexuality when they’re children requires respect and patience. Some of us may shudder at the thought of our father-figure talking to us openly and honestly about sex. So fathers need to respect that children may not want to talk about this, and instead help them find an appropriate person to talk to. Sex education - when done right - is not about being salacious or creepy; it is about respecting our daughters as sexual beings who deserve whatever support or guidance we can give them.

Girls are denied their sexual desire from the moment they enter puberty. It’s not surprising that 10 or 15 years later, they enter sex therapy and state, “I just don’t desire sex as much as my husband.” We’re not suggesting that low desire is solely the result of early influences on how girls are expected (or not expected) to experience their sexuality, but we believe it plays a role. And we think it can be changed.

Dads can normalize their daughters’ sexual feelings as natural and wonderful and they don’t have to be acted upon unless she chooses. Dads can give their daughters the comfort level and skills to talk about sex, which would then make it easier for the daughters to bring the topic up with their partners. Fathers can provide information to their daughters about anatomy, reproduction, sexual desire, STIs, safer sex, birth control and emergency contraception, so they are equipped with all the information to become a sexually healthy adult. And while he’s at it, he can talk with her about his values about love, sex and relationships. It’s up to you, Dads!
 

Sex 411
Check out this great resource for dads and daughters: dadsanddaughters.org. They have suggestions on how to empower girls, how to talk to them about sexuality, body image and a range of other topics.
 

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the field of sexuality and violence prevention. Write to them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com