Doin’ It Well

Dear Kim and Ross,

I read with interest your “Sex 411: Women’s Sexual Bill of Rights.” I was wondering if a woman has the right to grow larger… and still deserve sex. I lost 100lbs to get down to a size 6 and was traditionally pretty when my boyfriend-to-be first asked me out. We soon had a good exclusive sex life, but after about six months I started to gain weight back. My boyfriend constantly told me to get smaller again to be sexy, but the weight crept on. Finally he told me he did not enjoy sex with me because I was a fat woman, so I broke up with him, since I felt hopeless about losing the weight.

I would like to hear your comments on whether this is abusive behavior by a man towards a woman, or if it is just good sense, since medically we should all be thin? I haven’t gone out with a man in two years since I feel I don’t deserve a sex life–and perhaps cannot even get a sex life–as a larger woman of size 18.

Thanks for any information you can give me, or give to others in your column.

Yours sincerely,

Staying Large

Dear Staying Large,

The quick answer is yes, you deserve to be sexual and sexy at any size! And no one has the right to tell you to change. Unfortunately, we are taught that our bodies are only worth something if they match what society deems attractive: thin, tall, well-endowed. And very few of us meet that standard. Consequently, we wind up forced to love our bodies (and our partners’ bodies) in spite of the messages we are surrounded by, rather than with the support of positive messages. This is especially true for people of size. Once categorized as overweight or “fat,” we often begin to believe the lies that society has told us: that we’re unhealthy, lazy, that we’re unworthy of sexual attention, or that fat people are fat because they’re afraid of sexual intimacy.

As we have discussed in past columns, women are often expected to express their sexuality for the benefit and pleasure of men, rather than for the pleasure and satisfaction it brings themselves. We shouldn’t rob ourselves, or let society rob us of our sexuality and our right to full, passionate, sexual expression! That applies to partners as well. Not being attracted to someone is not abusive, but calling them names, being derogatory and threatening to break up with them if they don’t look or act a certain way, definitely is! Good for you for ending a relationship with someone who did not appreciate the woman you are; the full, whole, beautiful, sexual woman you are!

Staying Healthy

Deciding to lose weight is between you and your doctor or nutritionist. Each circumstance is different. Some “fat” people are very healthy. Some thin people are very unhealthy. It doesn’t sound like your previous partner had your health in mind when asking you to lose weight. Instead it sounds like he was thinking about his own sexual satisfaction. Nor does it sound like he approached the subject in a loving way. Only you should decide whether or not to alter your body, and you should only do so because it feels good to you, not to make someone else happy or satisfied.

Shame Shame

Research in sexuality has shown that self-image and body shame play a greater role than body size on a person’s sexual satisfaction. This means that the way you think and feel about your body, regardless of what the scale or the tag in your jeans reads, is more important in determining sexual satisfaction. Unfortunately we don’t see women of size portrayed in the media as being very sexually expressive, “sexy” or satisfied. As Hanne Blank says in Big, Big Love, “If you go by what you see in the media or read in most porn… fat people simply cease to exist when it comes to sex.” We can easily imagine what this invisibility does for self-image and therefore the sexual satisfaction we each deserve. What a loss! Changing these erroneous ideas about ourselves and others is the first step to reclaiming sexual satisfaction and expression at every size.

Loving me, Loving You

Too often we are expected to change our bodies for the pleasure of our partners, rather than expecting our partners to change their attitudes about our bodies. People of every size deserve sexual pleasure and satisfaction, and very much deserve to be with people who share this view.

Sex 411

For additional reading check out:

Blank: Big, Big Love: A sourcebook on sex for people of size