Doin’ It Well

Survivors of sexual violence may find flashbacks triggered especially during sex. And some have to deal with the duality involved with dissociation from the current sexual experience and experiencing flashbacks from past sexual trauma. Flashbacks and dissociation help a person survive the abuse and its aftermath; at the same time, these experiences may feel very out of control in the present.

Dissociation is a very adaptive way to “leave” a traumatic situation, even if one cannot get away physically. It is the act of emotionally and psychologically splitting away from a situation because it is psychologically unbearable . . However, many people who dissociate may find that they are not always in control of when or where they “leave.” Sexual intimacy becomes a time that can be especially fraught with dissociation. During consensual sex, survivors may find themselves floating away, making a grocery list, or just not being present.

Flashbacks, on the other hand, are intrusive memories – whether experienced through touch, smell, taste, or sight – that in some way replay the abuse. Whereas dissociation is a way to temporarily remove oneself from the abuse, flashbacks are the body’s way of remembering and sorting through the traumatic memories

These intrusive memories may jolt a survivor back to a traumatic event. Although they are obviously frightening, flashbacks serve a crucial role in the healing process: they help the survivor remember and integrate the trauma. At the same time, these flashbacks don’t feel very helpful if they are interrupting our day-to-day lives. For sexual abuse and rape survivors, sex can become especially complicated due to some of these reactions.

Staying Grounded

Although dissociation and flashbacks seem different, both are experienced as a temporary departure from the here and now, so it becomes very important to stay grounded. For many survivors and their sexual partners, this may be as simple as reminding them where they are, who they are with, and what is going on in the present.

What is it like?

Sometimes reflection can be helpful so survivors can begin to chart their dissociation or flashbacks. Afterward, ask yourself how did it feel when it began to happen? How did your body change? Your breathing? What was the trigger this time? What did you tell yourself when you went away? These are usually not easy questions, but by being gentle with yourself, you may discover there are patterns to this experience.

Body Work

Because dissociation and flashbacks involve many physical responses, being mindful of bodily movement can be very helpful. By yourself, you can begin to pay attention to how your body feels: your arms, your legs, your breath. As you pay attention, you may begin to center yourself. With a partner, you might find that paying attention to each other’s bodies helps to build trust. This body work can be sexual, but because survivors may have been told that they are only good for sex, it can be important that this touch not be solely focused on sexual pleasure.

Masturbate!

For many survivors, the ability to be sexual for their own gratification has often been robbed from them. Masturbation can be a wonderful – and sometimes terrifying – way to reclaim your own sexual pleasure. Remember, masturbation doesn’t just mean paying attention to your genitals, and it doesn’t have to end in orgasm. It is a self-loving way to get to know your own body.

Access Support

Talking with a therapist who has knowledge and experience in trauma and who can also address issues of sexuality after trauma can be very helpful for survivors. Support groups for survivors also serve as a powerful venue to talk about common struggles, including sexuality. Healing is more than a possibility; it is a powerful and strengthening process. Accessing support, paying attention to our needs and desires, and working with our sexual partners to have positive, present sex lives - that is the real radical work.

Sex 411: Additional Resources on Sexual Healing

• Bass and Davis: The Courage to Heal
• Haines: The Survivor’s Guide to Sex
• Maltz: The Sexual Healing Journey
• Rape Crisis Services 217-355-5203 (24hr hotline)