Doin’ It Well

Doin’ It Well would like to dedicate this column to the powerful, resilient, and amazing survivors and the people who love them!

Over the past thirty years, there have been amazing changes in the ways we talk about sexual violence. What it means (and what it doesn’t mean) to be a survivor - , even the word “survivor” has been radically shaped by the feminist rape crisis movement.  But there are still some myths about survivors that impact how survivors may view themselves, as well as how others may view them.

In the popular media, we’re caught between two depictions of survivors. Either they are broken, crying, and afraid of sexual intimacy a la Law & Order: SVU, or they are hypersexual, out of-control, crazy. Obviously, neither of these is totally descriptive of every survivor’s healing process. For both survivors and their sexual partners, figuring out sex(uality) after sexual trauma is a difficult process.

For survivors, disclosing histories of sexual trauma to a partner can be a nerve-wracking experience. Will they believe me? Will they use the information against me? Will they coddle me, or try to “fix” me? Will it make sex awkward? Survivors may face a variety of questions when disclosing to partners. Also, telling their story is a very personal experience, and it should be up to the survivor to tell as much (or little) as they choose. For a partner to provide support, details aren’t that important.  

At the same time, deciding to tell can be very rewarding, as loved ones may provide support in a new way. Survivors may have been told that all they are good for is sex, and saying no to sexual intimacy may be tied up in feelings of self-worth, terror, and a host of other emotions. So part of healing may be working together with a sexual partner to understand what saying yes or no to sex may look like. Discussing trauma with a sexual partner may also allow survivors to begin to fully enjoy their sexual lives. 

If you are the sexual partner of a survivor, this may be your first time hearing a personal disclosure. If they are telling you, this means that they trust and value you. Don’t screw it up! The survivor is on their own healing journey, and they may graciously allow you to accompany them on that journey. But you are not the one in charge of that process. Many survivors describe simply wanting their partners to listen and accept, especially when it comes to boundaries around sex.

As a supporter, it may be tempting to freak out, or want to “get revenge” upon the perpetrator, but the survivor will take cues from how their partner reacts. An extreme reaction may discourage the survivor from discussing this subject with you in the future. At the same time, it is totally natural to experience sadness, anger, and loss when we find out that someone we care about has been hurt. However, the survivor doesn’t need to be placed in a position to console you about this; find a confidential place to get support for yourself so you can better support your partner.

Together, survivors and supporters can build positive ways of communicating about sex. Although a lot of these discussions may occur in the time leading up to sexual intimacy, it might be important to talk about sexual boundaries and desires not during sex.  As couples begin to figure out how to talk with each other about sex, identifying “safe words” or phrases can help communicate to slow down or stop. Also, partners can figure out ways to “check-in” with each other during sex to find out what the other person wants and needs. As we will discuss next week, communication around sex doesn’t need to be robotic. It can be romantic, erotic, safe and sexy.

For a calendar of Sexual Assault Awareness Month events, go to www.odos.uiuc.edu/women

Sex 411: Resources for Survivors and their Partners

• Bass & Davis The Courage to Heal
• Davis Allies in Healing
• Haines The Survivor’s Guide to Sex
• Maltz The Sexual Healing Journey
• Matsakis ‘I can’t get over it’ A Handbook for Trauma Survivors
• Matsakis Trust After Trauma: A Guide to Relationships