Doin’ It Well

“We’ll have to talk about sex, it kills the mood, it’s awkward”

This is what we hear, but good sex is when both partners are really into it and are fully engaged and enjoying themselves. Despite what we’ve seen in the media, good sex takes work and communication. 

Unfortunately, very few of us sat down with parents or teachers who explained to us how to communicate with our partners when it comes to sex. Given this, we all need to work hard to make sure that our partners are totally into what is happening between us sexually. 

“They may not want to have sex”

When we begin communicating about sex, we have to open ourselves up to hearing “No.” Sometimes it feels easier to just keep trying without talking or listening. This don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy about sex can lead to sexual violence.  When someone ignores the other person’s feelings, they become concerned solely with getting what they want, rather than making sure both people are into it.  When we do not take the other person’s humanity into consideration, the situation becomes abusive.

If there are any questionable signs or signals, even brief ones, stop and check in. Most people are aware of cues from the other person indicating that they might not be into what is happening. If we stop and honor these cues, we open a space for the other person to say “No” or to give us the freely given “Yes” we both deserve.

What’s Legal?

Often when we talk to college students about consent, they are very well versed in the legal definition of consent.  It’s good we have this knowledge but do we get consent only because not getting it is illegal? What about the ethics and morals involved? Do we really want to have sex with someone who isn’t fully into it, or who doesn’t actually want it? 

To have sex with someone without their consent is rape. Certainly, no one wants to consider themselves a rapist. In addition, do we really want to put someone else through the pain and trauma of sexual violence? Most people who commit rape are not “crazy”; they are normal, everyday folks. The difference is they chose to ignore their partners’ cues when their partner was not consenting to sex.

The power of checking in…

Checking in with our partners is a simple tool that can be used to make sure that everyone is down with what’s happening. Checking in also allows partners to feel comfortable with moving forward, if everyone is OK with it.

Checking in with our partner(s) means slowing down a bit, focusing on our partner, and asking some simple questions to see where they are emotionally and physically.  Not only will we better please our partners, but the consent will ensures that whichever activities we engage in together, we will be equally involved. If we check in with someone and they say - with words, body language or non-verbal cues - that they are not OK, it allows us to ask them what they would prefer. This allows us to arrive at a mutually comfortable place.

Advocate for good sex that’s free of violence!

We need to band together, women and men, to ensure that everyone in our society, on our campuses and in our communities is Doin’ It Well, completely mutual, pleasurable and free from coercion and violence.  Come out and show your support of good, consensual sex at the awesome events planned over the next week for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Check out the calendar of events at:  www.odos.uiuc.edu/women. Resources are also available on the website and at the events.

Sex 411 Ways to talk about consent & sex

• “Is this cool with you?”
• “Are you down with this?”
• “Can I go down on you?”
• “Hey, are you into this?”
• “Is this ok?”