Doin’ It Well

Hi guys, I’m an older mwm (married white male) who would enjoy cybersex but I’m concerned about leaving a trail on my computer for my family (especially computer savvy kids) to find. What can I do to insure my privacy? Are some chat rooms more private than others? Thanks for your help…

Dear reader, thanks for writing us with this great question. Given that computers and the internet specifically are used so frequently for sex and sex-related information sharing, the question of privacy is a big one. Of course, there’s a huge technological aspect to your question and there’s also a question about what and how we hide our sexual lives from those around us, both for propriety as well as our own privacy. These are both excellent things to consider as the internet is a big part of many people’s sex lives.

Doin’ It Well defines cybersex as any kind of sexual activity between two or more persons via the internet. However, people may also use the term “cybersex” to refer to any sexual activity, including viewing sexual images or videos, for arousal purposes. Traditional cybersex has historically been text-based, through chat rooms, role playing games (such as MUDs), and instant messaging. However, the availability of web cams have added a visual component to cybersex, which can be incorporated into Skype or other video communicating, so the partners are able to see each other - or others may be able to see them. The increased technology behind role-playing sites, such as The Second Life, also allows for cybersex to become a component of the avatar’s activities.

A Trail of Cookie Crumbs

In some ways, your computer, your browser (such as Firefox or Explorer), and the websites themselves are at a tension with “privacy.”  In order to respond efficiently to the request when you log into a particular website, your internet browser may help by remembering your password, the internet address history, and the website. Websites rely upon “cookies” and “cached files”  - files that are downloaded to your computer from the website - to help the website operate smoother. Some of these files contain information from the website to help it download faster, while other cookies help remember your information so that you don’t get asked the same questions each time.

Additionally, the internet provider, website you visit, and - potentially - your employer (if you’re surfing at work) can know the websites you visit and files you download. We don’t believe that internet activities are ever completely private. We may be able to take steps to maximize our privacy, but someone with enough computer “savvy” can find your web activities. It is always best to assume that your cyber activities are never entirely secret.

Private Eyes Only

Most internet browsers have functions that clear recent browsing history and ways to browse “privately” (called InPrivate for Explorer and Private Browsing for Firefox). These privacy functions keep the websites out of the browsing history and eliminate or minimize the downloaded files from the websites. Additionally, these browsers have created functions (such as Firefox’s BetterPrivacy) that delete other sorts of files that might not be recognized as cookies.

Many chat rooms collect personal information, and it may be useful to read the privacy policy of a chat room before joining. It is also important to be careful of the information you may give to individuals you are talking with. Many people who cybersex use a nickname, create a private e-mail address, and avoid giving identifying information, such as phone numbers or specific locations. Some people may create e-mail addresses specifically for their cybersex activities.

Secrets

One thing that struck us both about your question was the concern about privacy from family. You note that you are married, so we are also wondering if you are concerned about your partner finding out about your sexual activity, especially in committed sexual relationship. Certainly, some couples may allow and encourage one another to engage in cybersex as a part of their sex lives, and other individuals in relationships engage in cybersex without their partner’s knowledge. We believe that all of us are working to achieve a balance between independent sexual lives and intimate, sexual connection shared with others. This balance is an essential part of our development as sexual beings.

There are many reasons why it might be difficult to talk to your partner about the sexual needs and desires you might hope to get from a cybersexual encounter. In talking with your partner about the reasons for seeking cybersex, it may open up a conversation about some of the other reasons we have sex - the need for connection, to be desired or loved, for attention - all of which can be just as important as the sexual release itself.

Check us out next week for our special Valentine’s Day column!

Send Jo and Ross your thoughts and questions to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Gardasil, the vaccine protecting against the Human Papillomavirus (HPV), has provided a way for women and girls to protect themselves from the leading cause of cervical cancer and genital warts. Since the HPV vaccine became available to girls and women, people have been asking about men and boys getting vaccinated, too. Until recently, this wasn’t possible. But in October, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) approved Gardasil-the same vaccine used to prevent HPV in girls and women-for use in boys and men. Woo hoo!

Men’s Health

Just like for females, Gardasil is approved for males ages 9 to 26 and works best if administered before any exposure to HPV (i.e. before the onset of sexual activity). Vaccination in males would require the same three-shot series at a cost of $360 (total).

Currently, Gardasil has only been shown to protect men against HPV types 6 and 11, which are responsible for 90% of genital warts. According to the CDC, each year in the U.S. doctors detect genital warts in about two out of every 1,000 men. It is anticipated that the HPV vaccine will also offer protection to men against the high risk cancer causing HPV types 16 and 18, as it does for females. This would reduce precancerous lesions that can lead to penile, anal and oral cancers in men. These cancers are rarer than cervical cancer but rates are higher in men who have sex with men (2 cases per 100,000 for heterosexual men and 35 cases per 100,000 for men who have sex with men). However, these rates have steadily increased over the last three decades.

Sexual Transmission

HPV is a sexually transmitted virus, but for men, there isn’t an easy test for men to know if they were infected. Men could transmit HPV to their partners without even knowing it. Approving the vaccination for men provides many more options. As sexual transmission of HPV is high, vaccination of boys and men can offer additional protection to their female counterparts, reducing cervical cancer rates as well. Public health officials hope that the approval of the vaccine for use in males will help increase the collective “herd immunity,” meaning men’s protection against HPV will lead to lower transmission to women and lower rates for everyone.

Not Immune to Controversy

The HPV vaccine, like most newly created vaccines, has had its share of controversy.  People worried that vaccination would lead to an increase in sexual activity - although widespread seatbelt usage never increased reckless driving, nor was there widespread panic that it would. Reports about a lack of long term studies, mandatory vaccinations laws, how long immunity would last, and whether or not the people who really needed the vaccination the most would ever have access to it have all been topics of discussion among parents, medical providers, policy makers, politicians, activists and adults trying to make good decisions about their sexual health.

While those considerations are still there, vaccinating boys and men adds additional concerns, particularly about the cost effectiveness of preventing relatively rare diseases that occur in men due to HPV infection. While it is important to consider the higher rates of potentially preventable diseases in men who have sex with men and the added benefit of reducing cervical cancer in women, it is now time for men and parents of boys to weigh the pros and cons of this newly available vaccine.

Recommendations:

Currently there is no official recommendation from the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) for males to get vaccinated, especially since it’s not cost effective at the vaccine’s current pricing. We believe that folks need to be informed about what’s available and decide what is best for them. Whether you decide to get the HPV vaccine for yourself or your child(ren) or not, it’s important to be aware of infections that affect sexual health and the choices we have in trying to prevent them.Ideally, limiting sexual partners and using condoms each and every time would significantly reduce HPV infection. But, history has shown us that while feasible, this option may not be practical or effective in reducing new cases of HPV infection.

“Doin’ It Well” values both the amazing advancements in sexual medical science and choices for individuals around their sexual health. In the end, we have to consider what benefits the most amount of people with the fewest possible consequences for our communities and on an individual level, the personal benefits versus any realistic consequences of any medical procedure or intervention.  These are never perfect choices, but that’s the beauty of making these informed choices together.

Check us out next week as we answer a reader question about chat room privacy.

Sex 411

• January is Cervical Cancer Awareness Month
• McKinley Health Center now offers the HPV vaccine for men under 26 years of age
• Illinois Vaccine Awareness Coalition:  www.vaccineawareness.org

 Send Jo and Ross your suggestions telepathically…or just use our e-mail -  buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com!

Cheating is something that we are perversely fascinated by, especially when committed by rich, famous, powerful men. From the President Clinton impeachment hearing to tabloid stories to Tiger, we eagerly watch the spectacle of the cheater and his family unfold. In the month since the story about Tiger Woods’ relationships with other women emerged, the tone has slowly changed, from shock, to outrage, to coy elbow nudging. On a recent morning news show, a commentator discussed how Tiger now had the opportunity to move from his squeaky clean image to create the image of a “bad boy,” someone who could behave poorly but continue to be admired.

About the same time, Charlie Sheen was arrested for allegedly threatening his wife with a weapon. Although one of the top paid television performers and star of the most watched sitcom, Sheen’s violence - even his wife’s 911 call - made little splash. On another morning news program, a commentator chuckled that Sheen had “always been a bad boy.” Apparently a life of drugs, alcohol, and sexual conquests allows you to also be downright silly when you’re threatening someone’s life. That cad!

“Doin’ It Well” is a little late in the game to comment on the Tiger Woods (or David Letterman) infidelity drama. And we are even a little late to comment upon Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen’s arrest for threatening to stab his wife. Rather than re-hash conversations about whether men are evolutionarily programmed to cheat (they aren’t), we want to explore the media discussions about both of these men labeled as “bad boys” (or bad boys in the making).  What makes someone into a bad boy? And why do we love to hate the bad boys we love?

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

Like cheating, our fascination with bad boy icons is layered. Being “bad” describes a form of masculinity that is trailblazing and independent a man who doesn’t play by the rules. This is the man who other men long to be, and who others (men and women) imagine being with. Sure, he has difficulty maintaining relationships with, well, anyone. And he’s got a huge ego. But there’s something attractive about how he lives outside of social norms. Sexually, this is pretty particular to our views of masculinity; women who live outside of the norms of monogamy are quickly labeled whores or sluts.

When behaviors - from lying to overt violence - injure others, bad boys have crossed a line from self-destructive behaviors to behaviors that harm their relationships and their community. But the label allows them to forego accountability, which may be harmful to them as well as others. Of course having sex with a number of partners isn’t unhealthy or wrong, when safe and consensual. Some of the stigma about cheating is about our society’s moral judgment about another person’s sexual choices. Monogamy does not need to be the standard for relationships; some couples may have varying levels of open relationships and/or polyamory (loving relationships with multiple people at the same time). For Doin’ It Well, it is the broken promise of monogamy to a partner that is a larger issue reflecting trust, honesty, and respect within the relationship.

Bad Boys, Hurt Men

Blogger Hugo Schwyzer - in reflecting on the Tiger Woods story and his own journey - talks about the emotions of men who may feel insecure in their relationship to their sexual partner, and encourages men to dig deeper emotionally. He encourages men to write down their thoughts/emotions when they feel sexually rejected. Schwyzer says, “Acknowledging that horniness is real and that lack of release is annoying, push deeper. What other need isn’t getting met? The reward of seeing how it is that we so often use sex to cover for the myriad other hidden needs we have is an immense one.”

Jo and Ross both read The Rules of the Game, a book written by a man who claimed to have a strategy for getting women to have sex with him. After reading it, Jo made the astute comment that the man’s story actually sounded quite sad, and that he was perhaps struggling with sex addiction-an issue that is not simply about sexual release. Re-reading it through that lens, Ross saw how this “bad boy” was someone who was quite lonely and struggled to make connections that were often temporary or unfulfilling.

Although bad boys appear to be rugged independents, they are trapped within a socially isolating loop that hurts everyone. Rather than celebrating this bad boy image, we need to call out how perpetuating it hurts others. We have to look for new images of what it means to be a man. Caring fathers. Listening brothers. Compassionate lovers. As men, we can’t afford to be isolated from those around us.

Check us out next week as we take a look at the HPV vaccine now available for boys and men.

Send Jo and Ross your ideas, comments, and questions to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Jo & Ross: Here’s a question for you: why do women who live together eventually “sync up” and have their periods all at the same time?-JTT

Dear JTT:
Great question; thanks for writing in! Most of us have either experienced this phenomenon-if we are menstruating women-or have heard about it from our fertile female friends. Although many people believe that women who live or spend a lot of time together will have periods that adjust slightly to eventually sync up, the science to prove this actually happens is lacking.

Cycle Basics
The 28-day model is often used as the example when explaining the monthly menstrual cycle of women. However, cycles vary in length from around 24 to 38 days; they can also be shorter or longer. Cycles vary from women to women but can also differ for an individual woman from month to month. It is because of this that women who live together who did not start out experiencing periods at the same time can, over time.
A menstrual cycle can be divided into two parts: pre-ovulation (when an egg is released) and post-ovulation. It is the time frame pre-ovulation that varies, while post-ovulation usually lasts a consistent 14 days. Factors that affect the length prior to ovulation include stress, weight change, medication, illness or hormone changes. Shorter cycles (24 days) indicate that there were fewer days before ovulation than during a longer cycle (38 days).
N’Sync
There are a couple of theories that attempt to explain why women’s cycles change and become in sync. One theory suggests that women who spend time together experience similar stressors that delay ovulation and therefore alter their menstrual cycles so they eventually all have their period around the same time. The problem with this theory is that if four women had different periods and all experienced a delay in ovulation, they should still experience periods at staggering intervals.
The McClintock Effect
Another theory is based on research done in 1971 by psychologist Martha McClintock, published in Nature. McClintock’s study showed that the pheromones released by women are detected by other women in close proximity, which shortens or lengthens their menstrual cycles. This is also known as the McClintock Effect and is the mostly widely known study of this aspect of menstruation.
Nature’s Normal
Others believe that the normal variation from women to women each month simply causes women over time, to coincidentally get their periods at the same time. For example, a woman with a 27-day cycle might originally have her period at a different time than her roommate who has a 29-day cycle. Over time, the first women will ovulate (if her cycle is consistent each and every month, which is rare) two days earlier than her roommate. The next month, she would ovulate four days earlier than her roommate and eventually, these two women will get their period at the same time.
Nothing to Prove
In fact, most studies are based on McClintock’s original research model, and scientists have found errors in her research design. When these errors are corrected, no significant levels of menstrual synchrony occur.
A research study done in 1998 by McClintock confirmed her earlier findings of synchrony. When underarm odors of women who were ovulating were put under the noses of women in the study it delayed their ovulation and lengthened their cycles. However, no studies have shown that women with the same cycle length have synchronized successfully or that if their cycles started out at different lengths that by being in close proximity their cycles have changed in ways not normally expected.
Theory Behind the Theories
Evolutionary biology provides one theory as to why women’s cycles would sync up. In ancient societies, many women would have sex with one man. Pheromones released from women unconsciously increased sexual desire in men. If a man felt horny with multiple women around, it would be very difficult to pick the woman who was actually ovulating to have sex with her. But if all the women were ovulating at around the same time that a man desired to have sex, the chances of pregnancy and reproduction would increase when mating occurred.
Many women we’ve talked to stick by the claim that when they have lived with other women, their cycles not only synced up, but their periods also started within a day or two of each other every month thereafter. Although science has not yet proven this, there may be more to understand about women, menstruation, fertility and sexuality.
Thanks for the great question, and keep doin’ it well!
Sex 411: Must Be The Moon
• Lunaception- the idea that menstrual cycles synchronize with the moon, is not currently accepted by the scientific community.
Jo & Ross wish you a wonderful New Year! Send them your questions to: buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com.

Dear Doin’ It Well,

I have heard two different stories: one, that using a vibrator can do no harm, and two that using a vibrator can do worlds of harm! I have heard that using one will desensitize the area and make sex with a real person totally unenjoyable and dissatisfying. Which theory is true?

- Vexed About Vibrators

Dear Vexed,

Thank you for writing us this valuable vibrator question. Whether about masturbation generally, or using toys during sex specifically, we’ve heard the message that self-pleasuring can be dangerous for our “real” sex lives. “Doin’ It Well” wants to look at the science and the scare-tactics behind vibrators.

Shaking It Up

Vibrators are designed to provide external or internal stimulation. Sometimes marketed as “back massagers,” these devices have been around since the late 1800s. Doctors, concerned with what they called “female hysteria,” began prescribing vulvular stimulation to orgasm (although the medical field saw nothing sexual about this treatment). But doctors complained about how tiring it was! Vibrators were invented to help  weary doctors treat their patients and the vibrator became the fifth household device to be electrified.

The use and variety of vibrators has changed considerably since that time, but the basic technology remains the same. As the vibrator comes into contact with erogenous zones, it provides more intense stimulation than hands or genitals alone may provide.

Will a vibrator desensitize the area? The consistent vibration on one specific area of the body for a period of time can cause numbness or desensitization, but that disappears after the vibration is removed and has no long term effects. Think about using other “power tools,” like a lawn mower or a hand mixer; the vibrations from the machine may make your hands temporarily tingly or numb, but stops quickly. There is nothing we could find to suggest that vibrators either desensitize an area or provide such intense pleasure that sex with another person wouldn’t be desired.

“Real” Sex?

For most people, there is an assumption about what sort of sex is real or good. Is sex only sex if it is with another person? Is masturbation sex? For us, all of these (and more) are “real” sex! Sexual behaviors feel differently and may be experienced for different reasons (for instance, sex with a partner for connection, or sex alone to release tension), but that doesn’t make the sexual experience any less real. But this assumption that real or good sex is only with a (married, heterosexual) partner is  damaging and shaming. It limits our sexual choices.

Blinded by the Fright

But the other idea - that using a vibrator will make sex unenjoyable - may be the real dangerous message. We put this in the “masturbation will make you blind” category of scare tactics. Most of us heard some version of these growing up, and all of them are myths designed to curtail our sexuality. Because of the shame many of us have been taught about our sexual desires, it is easy to believe that they could be real. If you have been told you shouldn’t be sexual, then it isn’t hard to imagine you might be punished for enjoying it.

Masturbation does not make you blind or cause hair to grow on your palms. Using a vibrator does not ruin sex! Worst case scenario, some individuals may experience their first orgasm with a vibrator, and they may then desire an orgasm during future sexual encounters!  A vibrator doesn’t have to be used only during solo play and some people may find that a vibrator becomes a part of their everyday sex lives.

Will solo sex with a vibrator be different than sex with a partner? Most definitely! But a vibrator, when used as directed, cannot cause desensitization, just like desiring sexual pleasure doesn’t make someone bad.

Doin’ It Well General Warning

Of course there are harmful ways that one could use a vibrator, or unsafe items people could use as vibrators or toys. That’s why we believe it is important to use only store-bought vibrators intended for sexual pleasure. Some items called “novelty items” may not meet the proper health requirements. As we wrote recently, you may want to think about the materials your toys are made of. There is some research that suggests phthalates - a chemical added to plastics to make them more elastic - may be linked to health problems. But there are many other materials and vibrators out there, and you can find one that is right for you.

Vibrators aren’t for everyone. Some people may enjoy using them, and others may not find them much of a turn-on. Whatever your pleasure, you are the best judge as to whether it is a healthy and good thing for you.

Catch us in the New Year and keep doin’ it well!

Sex 411: Last Minute Stocking Stuffers?

Still looking for the partner that has everything, check out sex shops locally or shop online from some of our favorite stores

• Early to Bed Chicago - early2bed.com
• Good Vibrations (San Francisco) - goodvibes.com

Jo and Ross wish you a happy New Year! Send us your questions for 2010 at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Recently a friend suggested we write about Juicy Campus, a website notorious for sex gossip. Websites that spread rumors about individuals sexual lives and health are increasingly common, as many readers have pointed out to us. So this week, Doin’ It Well decided to take a look at another aspect of sex and the internet.

Juicy Campus
Juicy Campus began in 2007 as a site for college gossip. It shut down in February 2009 due to a lack of revenue, but has been replaced by www.collegeacb.com. What intrigues us is that much of that gossip is related to sexuality, and more specifically, certain people’s sexuality. In addition to the general bravado and provocative postings we might expect, many posts name specific individuals by campus.

In our last column we talked about our culture’s fascination with the private lives of others. If we have the opportunity to read the dirt on someone, our eyes widen; we’re drawn into a good story. It may feel harmless or funny, especially if we don’t know who the post is about. At the same time, those posts usually are about a real person; what’s missing is empathy and respect for their sexuality.

Sexual Put Downs
The theme we noticed with sites like collegeacb.com is the way they give voice to sex negativity. Posts repeatedly attack sexuality, especially targeting (surprise, surprise) women and gay men. Another theme is to call men’s masculinity into question with homophobic, hateful put-downs like “fag.” Maybe we should just laugh this off as entertainment, but we still wonder, why are we laughing?

An occupational hazard of working in the fields of sexuality and social justice is the tendency to de-construct everything. Sometimes, even we feel like we should lighten up a little. But each of these seemingly insignificant outlets for sexism, homophobia and sex negativity helps create a culture that doesn’t allow the full sexual expression and freedom of everyone, equally.

For example, postings like which girl (woman!) has the best booty on campus or has the biggest tits (they can’t be “fake” by the way) contribute to a campus climate that says women’s bodies and sexual choices will be scrutinized and judged and women who are sexual are to be criticized. In this way, it perpetuates for women an anxiety around being sexual. Similarly, anti-gay slurs shut down men’s abilities to fully explore their sexual identities and expressions. If anyone is publicly humiliated and criticized about their bodies and sexual behaviors, they will be less likely to feel the freedom to be fully sexual, to celebrate and enjoy their sexuality.

STDCarriers.com
STD Carriers.com was created by a man who became infected with an STD and blamed his partner for it – publicly and online. Believing it would be a good idea to “out” everyone who allegedly had been infected with an STD, he created a site that allows people to check to see who is infected. Aside from the obvious pitfalls from a public health perspective (i.e., this doesn’t decrease STD rates), it’s the sex shaming approach bothers us at ”Doin’ It Well,”`

When someone is diagnosed with a chronic STD, it’s natural to be angry or shocked, especially when contracted from a trusted partner. At the same time, it’s a little strange to blame someone else for the risks we took in the bedroom. Many people laugh it off because there is no way to prove that anyone listed on the site actually has an STD. But true or not, imagine if your name was publically listed. From elementary school to college, hearing a rumor about you rarely feels good. And because of the social stigma and misinformation around sexuality and STDs, these rumors can be particularly hurtful.

Imposing Sexual Limits
Often, conversations about public websites focus on issues of libel or First Amendment – whether or not the site should be available. Our concern is more with the respect and empathy involved in public posts and how that affects sexuality.
Have you ever felt limited in your sexual behaviors due to worry about stories - whether real, exaggerated or completely made-up - being told about you? We hear stories from young people – men and women - about their fears in this area and how it limits their sexual expression. Jo has talked to many men who worry that their partners will tell others if their penis isn’t big enough, if they don’t have an erection right away or at all.

So whether we’re posting or viewing, if we can shift the way we talk about sexuality in our community by making decisions that are sex positive for us and everyone else. In a way, we are responsible for the reputations of ourselves and everyone else. We might begin to truly celebrate sexuality-going against an age old puritan cultural climate that hopes we wouldn’t.

Check us out next week as we answer a vexing vibrator question.

Jo & Ross will answer your sex questions! Send them to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Do queer and trans people have a responsibility to disclose their gender and sexual identities? Recently, Ross participated in a discussion where a student was talking about his thoughts on whether a transgendered individual should tell him their biological sex.  Basically, he wanted to know if the woman he was sexually attracted to had ever had a penis. As the conversation unfolded, other people weighed in that it wasn’t fair for trans people to “hide” their identity. As we reflected on this conversation, Doin’ It Well thought this all sounded very familiar. Anxieties about others’ “real” gender and sexual identities are pretty common. Let’s talk a little bit about the hide and seek of identity.

What’s the Worry?

Sometimes this anxiety gets labeled homophobia or transphobia. The movie The Crying Game highlighted this anxiety. The main character becomes romantically involved with a woman who he later finds out is biologically male.. The reaction of viewers was both shock and disgust. They had watched this movie, developed a connection to this woman, and maybe got a little turned-on by her. Then in the end, they had to deal with what it meant that they felt attracted (or were otherwise duped) by a transwoman.

But we also see this with the fear of presumably straight men having sex with other men. The “downlow” phenomenon talks about “straight-acting” Black men who have sex with other men and expose their female partners to sexually transmitted infections, like HIV-A. As Keith Boykin, Black queer author, points out, though, the downlow assumes that these behaviors are happening simultaneously-that men are having unprotected sex with men while in a relationship with a woman.. The downlow also plays upon fears  within the Black community about losing “real” Black men, who are already endangered by institutional racism.

Into the Confessional

Our society loves a good confessional scene. We hunger to know people’s deep dark secrets (just look at reality television). Trans and queer lives become an especially compelling spectacle, and we feel entitled to know the identities of people around us.

These folks are expected to go around proclaiming their identities. Rather than disclosing when and where they choose they are expected to tell everyone they come into contact with (which isn’t a process that traditionally-gendered and straight folks have to do),. This isn’t for the benefit of the trans or queer individual, but to manage the anxieties of the other people around them. The others cannot deal with the fluidity of gender and sexual performance because it suggests that their gender and sexual identities may not be as solid as they like to believe.

Need-to-Know Basis

What do we need to know?  In a sexual relationship, do we have the right to know the gender of the other person’s past sexual partners? Do we have the right to know the gender transitions of our sexual partners? Their sexual orientation?

Most importantly - and totally unrelated to sexual and gender identity - may be an open, honest conversation about sexual risks and safer sex. . This is about health and respect and it doesn’t have to include a disclosure about gender or sexual identity especially since some sexual relationships are very casual or temporary.

For more intimate relationships, it is reasonable that partners will share information with each other en route to becoming closer. So it is understandable that a partner might be hurt or surprised if they were to discover this new information about their partner when they believed they knew them. But knowing another person is a privilege, not a right. And there are many reasons, from internal struggles to fears of social punishment to fears of violent retribution, that someone may not disclose (or be able to disclose) their sexual and gender identities to a partner.  It isn’t lying or hiding as much as it may be a privilege that their partner hasn’t yet earned.

Knowing and Telling

So how do we deal with what we can know and what we learn about others? At the root of it all, the fear of a queer planet is more about society’s anxieties than it is about the trans and queer folks. If we’re going to deal with it, we have to deal with our own anxieties first. What would it mean if we were attracted to someone who may have been born a different gender than they are presenting? What if we found out someone had a different sexual identity or had engaged in different sexual behaviors than we assumed? And what would that all mean about how we see ourselves? If we consider these questions ahead of time, it will help us deal with our reactions when we’re faced with these situations.  Ultimately, this will help us stay sex positive and treat others, regardless of their sexuality, with dignity and respect.

Check us out next week as we look at public posts about private issues

Jo and Ross rely on you for their column ideas. Send them your thoughts to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Jo and Ross,

My doctor suggested that I use coconut oil as a sexual lubricant. Everything I’ve read says that oil-based lubes including coconut oil will cause my partner’s condom to break, but my doctor assured me that wouldn’t happen. What do you think?

Coconut Conundrum

Dear CC,

Thanks for writing us with your important question. Sexual lubricants are an important component of many people’s sex lives. Although our bodies make their own lube in some instances (pre-cum, saliva, vaginal fluid), many people find that additional lube makes for more pleasurable (and comfortable) sex. But the number one warning with lube and safe sex is that oil-based lubricants degrade latex barriers, such as condoms and dental dams. We think that this warning can sometimes be a slippery slope used to promote public health, but may not be the whole truth.

Oil + Rubber

Here’s a quick sexy science experiment that sex educators have been using for years. Blow up a latex condom and tie it like a balloon. Placing a few drops of baby oil on your fingertips, massage it into the condom. Within a few seconds, the condom will pop. Why? Baby oil, lotion, vegetable oil, and many other oils cause latex to lose its elasticity and break down. Obviously, the condom isn’t much of a barrier if it has a hole in it. In addition to breakage, however, oil-based lubricants are also found to cause the condom to slip off the penis, decreasing the condom’s effectiveness.

Looking for Lube

Find the right lube for you can be a delightful task. When looking for lube, consider the sexual acts you’ll be using lube with.  For vaginal intercourse, it’s important to find a lube that isn’t too sweet (sugar in the vagina = yeast infection). For anal intercourse, a thicker lube may be necessary. Vaseline, in addition to being oil-based, can also hang around in the rectum or vagina, allowing bacteria and other particles to accumulate. Generally, marketed sexual lubricants are best for internal use. For masturbation that doesn’t involve penetration, you may find that you have a wider range of lubes that you can enjoy. If a particular lube causes irritation, discontinue that lube, perhaps talk to your healthcare provider, and try, try again.

Cuckoo for Coconuts

Coconut oil is found in the baking aisle in most grocery stories. At room temperature, coconut oil is a white, greasy paste; applied to the skin, coconut oil warms and becomes a clear oil. Although coconut oil got a bad rap in the 90’s as unhealthy, coconut fans talk at length of the health benefits of coconuts and coconut oil specifically. While more commonly used as a massage oil, we have heard of coconut oil being prescribed as a sexual lubricant for use with condoms.

Although many oil-based lubes degrade condoms, including semi-natural oils like vegetable oil, Crisco, and olive oil, the degree that an oil causes a condom to break may not all be the same based on the physical and chemical properties of the oil. One reason this message has been spread so thick is to ultimately promote safer sex. For many people in the public health field, it is important that individuals change behaviors; rather than provide a complex message about which specific oils may be safer and when, it is much easier to just rule out all oils and other oil-based lubricants. “Doin’ It Well” supports this message.. It is important to be wary of using oil-based lubricants with latex condoms.

At the same time, your doctor may have prescribed coconut oil for several reasons. As oils go, coconut oil’s properties may make it easier on your system than synthetic lubes. Also, there’s not much research out there on coconut oil’s particular effect on latex. It may be that coconut oil doesn’t (or doesn’t quickly) degrade latex condoms, and in the absence of other factors (lack of lubrication, long penetrative sex, poor fitting condom), coconut oil may work almost as well as water-based lubricants. If your healthcare provider’s advice makes you nervous, you should feel free to seek a second opinion from another qualified health provider (we don’t count!).

Staying Flexible

If you enjoy the feel of coconut oil, but prefer to be on the safe side, there are also other types of condoms you could be using. Polyurethane condoms (Durex Supra or Trojan Avanti) are available at most stores, and do not respond to oil-based lubricants like latex condoms. Although less elastic than latex condoms, polyurethane provides a similar feel and strength, without the worry of breakage.

Join us next week as we explore the fear of a queer planet.

Sex 411: Lube lube lube

• If the lube you are using isn’t cutting it, there are many variations to experiment with
• Non-latex condoms, including the female condom, can be used with a wider range of lubricants

Last week, nationally renowned speaker, performer, activist, educator and super cool woman Kate Bornstein was on campus to talk about the free expression of sex and gender. “Doin’ It Well” had an opportunity to sit down with Kate to get her expert opinion on the topic of gender identity.

DIW: Many people are interested in hearing your personal journey transitioning from one gender to another. How do you balance your presentations between teaching about the issue of gender and focusing on your own experiences with gender identity?

Kate: I use “edutainment.” Teaching has got to include personal stories to get into the heart. Talking about sex and gender is a heart issue: h-e-a-r-t. It requires that to work. Sometimes I use just entertainment or performance art which includes more of my personal stories.

DIW: What is your ultimate goal with your work?

Kate: Gender is just one of many systems of oppression. The ultimate goal is to see how all systems are tied in a knot with all the others and untie, unravel the knots of oppression.  It’s a spiritual journey more than a governmental one. It’s about asking ourselves, “Is this culture stopping me or anyone else from the free expression of sex and gender?” and if so, I have to act.

DIW:  Often, people believe that discussions about gender are for those who are genderqueer or LGBT. What should those who are comfortable with very traditional gender presentations be thinking about gender?

Kate: The gender binary is only one of many areas of oppression in the culture.  Your presentation of gender is dictated by your age, race, class, ability, citizenship, religion and social standards of beauty.  We don’t get to decide for ourselves how to “do” our gender; we obey rules. Any sign of feeling hindered with your sex or gender is time to go looking on the internet. It’s usually the spark that it takes to get people to look there for something different. With the degree of violence against women in the world, I don’t know of any woman who could be happy with the way gender plays out. You’re fooling yourself is you think all’s well. You can find places that are safe or to have fun, but not for everybody.

DIW: Which gender pronouns do you prefer? Are they consistent??

Kate: It depends on how much trouble I want to make! If I’m feeling cranky, I might request “ze”, “hir” or “they.” But, most of the time, I just prefer she and her.

DIW: What advice do you have for those who need to correct someone with the pronouns they are using for them?

Kate: Develop a good sense of humor because you are going against 1,000 years of usage. Be gentle. A person who is going through a transition knows it takes a long time. Grant people time.

DIW: What about advice for those who are interacting with someone who may be transitioning or someone who they are unsure of their gender?

Kate: The key to peace and harmony is respect. If someone says, “I’m ________,” we respect that. You can also say, “I’m sorry, I would like to honor your gender presentation but I’m not sure what pronouns to use with you. What would you prefer?”

DIW: What would you tell someone struggling to gain acceptance and support with their gender identity or presentation?

Kate: Use the internet to see if there is something in your hometown and if not, move. Get yourself to a city that celebrates people like you. If activism is your bent, start appearing more and more in public as yourself as the sex and gender outlaw you are. Use social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. That is exactly what they are for and when you travel, you can hook up with those friends.

DIW: Where were you able to find support throughout your life with respect to gender identity and gender issues?

Kate: There are large communities of gender outlaws. They are everywhere. Some you have to look harder to find, but they’re there. Sex and gender outlaws have always been underground. Although some places are OK with LGBT, but how about sadomasochism? What about sex workers? What about those into kink? Not all LGBT centers or communities support these people. People who are celebrating the free expression of sex and gender are who I’m looking for.

DIW: If you could make one statement about gender in this country what would it be?

Kate:  Gender is two and two only, which leaves out a whole lot of people and robs all of us the need to use our imagination to figure out how we want to express our gender. If gender is an expression of desire, limiting it to two limits our options of desire.

Check us out next week as we explore the slippery slope of lube.

Sex 411 Get more of Kate Bornstein

• www.hellocruelworld.net
• twitter.com/katebornstein
• http://www.katebornstein.com/KatePages/indexkb.htm
• http://katebornstein.typepad.com/

Jo & Ross are ready for more questions! Send them in to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Dear Jo and Ross,

Is it normal and O.K. to be celibate for many years?  I am a 45 year old woman who has been divorced for 6 years and I have only had one boyfriend for 2 years after that, and then 4 1/2 years single with only one 2-month sexual relationship a few months ago.  I do not want to hook-up or just have sex without caring or to get hurt. 

I worry that I am abnormal because your column I read every week always emphasizes that all kinds of sex is a normal and healthy way of life.  I don’t believe in “abstinence education” but I do believe in abstinence for myself under the circumstances of not being able to find anyone special and sexually compatible with me. 

I miss closeness rather than the sex.  Am I “frigid?”  A “spinster?”  “Frustrated?”  All these words that come to … harass me in my head and trouble me.  My woman friend says there is always solo-sex, but I don’t think this is what I am worried about.

Please, please advise me as I am feeling desperately abnormal.

Thank you,

A Single Woman 

Dear A Single Woman:
Thank you for writing in! It’s true that we are inundated with messages about sex, that “everybody’s doing it” and how we can, should and could be even sexier than we are now! Even our column can promote the idea that everyone is sexually active all the time, whether by themselves or with partners. Of course, being sexually healthy includes much more than just “sex!”

It’s Perfectly Normal

Not feeling sexual, having decreased sexual desire, or choosing to not be sexual with ourselves or others is perfectly healthy, normal and practiced by many of us at different points in our lives. Whether it’s due to experiencing the blues after a breakup, discomfort after childbirth or because we are waiting to be “in love” with our partner, lots of people delay, postpone and choose not to have sex. This happens to people within relationships and to people who are single.

Cravings

While it’s normal to crave sex, there are also other aspects of our sexuality beyond just the physical acts of “sex.” All humans have a need for touch. In fact, babies can’t survive if touch-deprived. As adults, we won’t whither away without physical contact, but the desire and need for affection remains.

Another aspect of the closeness you mention is intimacy shared between two people. Often, these needs are met primarily within a romantic relationship. But, just because you are not currently in a relationship does not mean you cannot get these needs met. Simply identifying that these are missing from your life may allow you to consider ways you may be able to foster affection, touch, and intimacy in other relationships with friends or family members.

On Being Sexually Healthy

Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on being coupled or in a romantic relationship as a marker of being “healthy.” It can be challenging to be single for many years without wondering “Am I normal?” For ”Doin’ It Well,” it’s not so much about whether or not you are normal (of course you are!) but  “Are you happy?” If the things you want, crave, desire or need in your life are not present (and we can all usually identify something), talking to someone like a therapist can help work through these feelings.

There are many aspects to our sexuality and what enhances our sexual health. Some include sexual behaviors while others incorporate physical health and development; relationships, spirituality, emotions and personal skills like living according to our values and making good decisions for ourselves. Sexuality encompasses all of who we are; the key to being sexually healthy is to nurture our complete sexuality.

Relationship Satisfaction

Sex occurs within the context of a relationship with another person, however that is defined. Whether hooking up or a long term commitment, the interaction with another and how that looks and feels to us is a piece of sexuality.

Benefits of age usually include wisdom and increased insight. While some people might be more physically sexually active or have more sexual partners, this doesn’t equal satisfying relationships (although it might). Everyone is different, and our needs and wants with regard to sex and relationships change. It sounds to us as though you know exactly what you are (and aren’t) looking for in a relationship. While you can recognize that you miss sex and closeness, you can also remain confident that you are not willing to sacrifice safety - physical or emotional - simply to have “sex.” We think this is a wise choice, since having sex when the conditions are not ideal can lead to dissatisfaction-sexually or otherwise.

Join us next week when we’ll talk with gender outlaw, Kate Bornstein!

Sex 411:  Complex Sex

• Sexuality is more than just “sex;” affection and non-genital touching are also important sexual behaviors

• Talking to a counselor or therapist can help us identify aspects of our sexuality we are struggling with in a supportive environment

Jo & Ross have been answering lots of reader questions. Keep sending them in to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com!