Doin' It Well

Discussing sexual histories and sexually transmitted disease (STD) status with potential partners can feel awkward, uncomfortable and difficult. For people with chronic (controllable, but not curable) STDs, these conversations may be filled with anxiety and fears. How might this person respond once they know that I have an STD? Will they still want to have sex or be around me once I tell them? What is the best way to tell them? Will they respect my privacy and keep what I share with them confidential?

 Certainly, the risk of rejection is scary. And although many people have at one time had an STD, there is still a huge social stigma associated with having an STD. Creating a  plan for talking with sexual partners can make the process a little less awkward and might increase feelings of empowerment, intimacy and comfort. Here are some of our thoughts for having this talk.

Curable Vs. Manageable STDs

There are many different STDs that can be passed through sexual contact.. Some, like HIV and Hepatitis B & C, are transmitted through bodily fluids. Others, like herpes or HPV, can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact.

Bacterial STDs, like any other bacterial illness, can be cured with antibiotics or other medication. Most bacterial STDs are easily treated, especially when caught in an early stage. Viral STDs, however, can't necessarily be cured, but managed, often with medication. For people living with HIV or herpes,  prescription medication can help control the viruses and their symptoms, but not entirely eliminate them from the body. Often, these STDs are called "chronic" because they will likely be with the individual for their whole life. But this doesn't mean that their sex life is over! By taking care of themselves, individuals with these STDs can lead sexually healthy and enjoyable lives. But part of that sex life may mean disclosing their status to a partner.

Do I Have To?

Letting sexual partners know in advance your STD status can help them make sexually healthy decisions for themselves, help them understand your sexual boundaries and allow you to decide as a couple what sexual behaviors you are comfortable with..

Timing Is Everything

Knowing when to share this information can be really important. Getting naked and then surprising your partner with the talk might make it more difficult to have a clear conversation - for both of you. Bringing up the conversation beforehand may allow you both the space to have an honest conversation. Find a time to talk together when sexual activity is not taking place; let them know about your STD status, stressing that you're telling them because you care about them, their health and the relationship.

Saying "It"

Once you've found a time to talk, the hardest part can actually be just saying, "I have an STD." Let the person know how you feel about them, and why you feel like it is important for them to know. Then, let them have space for their reaction. This may be hard. Keep in mind that while we can't control how someone might react to this information, we can have our own support. Having a friend who you can talk to about this beforehand and afterward can be really helpful.

Usually we fear that a partner will respond poorly to the news or reject us altogether. Consider the possibility that your partner will accept you and care about you just as much as before. But, they may have questions about the STD and what it will mean for your relationship.

Knowledge Is Power

Before you disclose your STD status to a partner, it can be really helpful to equip yourself with lots of information so you can answer their questions. You may also want to grab some brochures or print some from websites. If they seem overwhelmed, letting them digest the information at their own pace might help. Their reaction may be similar to your reaction when you first were diagnosed. They may need time. Once you can, talk together about what this means for your relationship including sex. What and when are higher risk activities? What is completely safe? What are they comfortable with? What are you comfortable with? What are the endless possibilities for safe, hot sex?

Remember, some people would rather know a partner has an STD and actively reduce transmission risk, than to have sex with people who don't know their status. In some ways, knowing the positive status of a partner and being open about risk reduction can be safer than not knowing. But assuming a partner is negative, as many people do when they don't have these difficult conversations, can hurt both of you in the long run.

Talking about STDs may be frightening, but it's also sexually healthy. Then you and your partner can get down to the business of Doin' It Well.

Check us out next week as we explore bisexuality.

Sex 411: Resources on Talking about STDs

Ebel, C. & Wald, A. (2002) Managing Herpes: How to Live and Love with a Chronic STD

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland want to know what you think. Share your thoughts with them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or post a comment at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

This week, we decided to highlight some things to consider about the power of three, the threesome. Threesomes can be fun, exciting, but also worrisome and delicate. Maybe they seem most exciting because they go against the societal value of monogamy. We want to stay away from cautionary advice about how threesomes can damage a relationship. No one cautions people who get married that their spouse could cheat on them. In threesomes, most people intuitively know the risks involved. But if you are considering a threesome, being equipped with information can ensure the best possible experience.

Finding the Three

When we think of threesomes, the image of two women and a man may come to mind first - probably because this is seen as a common male fantasy. But there are endless possibilities when three people get together to have sex, whether they are three women, (FFF)  two men and a woman (MMF), or any other combination MMM, FFM, etc. In threesomes, there may be established couples, a third, or one of three single people.

The activities of the threesome will depend on the combination of players and what everyone is interested in doing and seeing. Some folks may be very excited about touching, sucking or penetrating (or being touched, sucked, or penetrated by) either men or women. Some may not. Being in a threesome may mean exploring our homophobia and sexual desires, but also means appreciating our boundaries.

Probably the most common way that threesomes take place is when a couple invites a third person into their "bedroom" to join them for sex. This can happen through online dating sites (such as Craig's List) or an in-person invitation. Threesomes are different from an open marriage, swinging or polyamory (see past Doin' It Well columns). With threesomes, the sex is usually the focus and the extent of the commitment.

Threesome Fun!

Everyone will have expectations, boundaries, ideas and fantasies for the threesome, and it's a good idea for all parties to talk about these before the tryst begins.  Successful threesomes require you to communicate what you want and don't want openly to your partner(s).

To ensure the best threesome possible, talk about it in advance rather than in the moment. Do not decide to engage in a threesome when you're drunk or high, because this can increase feelings of shame later. Remember, sex should increase positive feelings, not leave us feeling bad! Carefully plan out your threesome and enjoy it sober. You'll remember all the delicious details!

Two of Three

If a threesome is something you and your partner are interested in, take time in deciding for sure, talking it over and doing research. Threesomes can be great when both partners are genuinely interested, but not-so-great if one partner does it simply to please the other, or out of fear that their partner will break up with them or have sex with someone else anyway.

When thinking of who to invite as a third, be sensitive. Instead of blurting out, "What do you think about a threesome...with your best friend Mike?" talk about the idea first. If your partner is equally interested, ask them who they think would make a nice third. This will allow you both to discuss what/who you might enjoy.

Fantasizing about having a threesome is perfectly normal. Remember, fantasies can be enjoyed without being acted upon. Sometimes talking about the desire for a threesome can bring a couple closer together, whether or not they actually engage in group sex. Talking about what seems exciting about the idea, fantasies, and unmet needs in the relationship can be a path to deeper intimacy.

I'm # 3!

Although we've talked a lot about the role of the couple in threesomes, it is also important to talk about the experience of the third (or individual) person in a threesome. Because you're not part of the couple, you may not have as much opportunity to talk about the experience and what you want. Think ahead of time about what you would like to do and what isn't okay for you. You can even meet the couple in a public place first to discuss your expectations. You deserve to have your sexual desires fulfilled, too.

Three's Company or A Crowd?

Being in a threesome can bring up a lot of different feelings. How will you feel about your partner giving or receiving sexual pleasure from another person?  How will you feel if the couple you're with are more attentive to each other? What might trigger feelings of jealousy in you and how will you handle that? Threesomes can even bring up sexist or homophobic attitudes about men, women, sex, and relationships. Knowing what might come up for you will help you sit back and enjoy the experience better.

Sometimes people are let down by the experience, because threesomes get built up as the ultimate sexual experience. It might be fireworks-fantastic, but it might not. Engaging in a threesome to help solve relationship problems probably won't work (sex alone rarely solves problems).Trust, love, open communication and respect are necessary relationship characteristics to make threesomes work. Threesomes can be a great option for some couples and a horrible idea for others. But, no one can decide that except you.

Catch us next week as we talk about how to talk with our sexual partners about STDs.

Sex 411

Video: Nina Hartley's Guide to Threesomes

Cage, D. Threesomes, Fulfill Your Ultimate Fantasy (2006).

Send Kim & Ross an e-mail at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or post a comment on their blog at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

In recent media, there have been references to "furries", often identifying the furry community as one solely focused on engaging in sex with people in fursuits (animal costumes). Unfortunately, this focus on the sexual aspect of some members of the furry community has ruffled some feathers (Fur isn't a necessity to be a furry - fish, reptile, and even bird furries exist) Because readers have asked us about furries, we wanted to take a moment to look at the furry community and talk a little about the sexual aspects of the furry world.  

We want to be clear that what we discuss here doesn't represent all members of the furry community. Just like any community, individual interests and activities vary widely. That said this is our attempt to educate the general public about furries. 

Origins of Furry Fandom

Furries will tell you to just look around to see examples of furry artwork and characters. From Bugs Bunny to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a furry is simply an animal with humanlike characteristics. At the same time, "furry" often refers to someone who is a fan of furry characters. It's no surprise that the roots of the furry community are closely tied to comic book fans and conventions, with some of the first furry conventions splintering out of large ComicCons.  

Much of the furry community centers around an appreciation of furry artwork, but for some folks, there is a much deeper connection. Some members of the furry community have "fursonas," animal-identities that they connect with. Fursonas may be lived out online in chat rooms or online game communities (such as Secondlife), or in real life through conventions or other gatherings. Some individuals may not actually live out a different fursona but feel a deep spiritual association with animals (or a specific animal).  

Let's Talk About Yiff

At the same time, some members of the furry community do infuse sexuality and erotica into furry fandom. "Yiff," a furry term (said to be the sound of two foxes mating) to mean sex or sexual interest, is frequently used to refer to anything furry and sexual.  Sometimes called "yiff art," erotic artwork focusing on anthro animals is common online. Many furry conventions have specific exhibits for this artwork. In yiff artwork, anthro animals engage in human-like sexual activities by themselves or with other animals.  

Fursuit Facts

Despite what the media suggests, the sexual world of furries doesn't necessarily mean wearing a fursuit or engaging in sex if a fursuit is worn. In the online forums or through the yiff art, furries can engage sexually (with or without another furry) without ever leaving home, or putting on a costume. Also, fursuits are usually worn at conventions, parades, fundraisers or other social gatherings that are not sexual in nature.  

Fursuits are generally quite expensive. Although the new vogue in fursuit sex that has been brought about by the media attention has sparked a few cheaper versions, the furry community seems to look down upon these knock-offs. For the furry community, wearing a fursuit is serious business, and - not unlike Disneyworld - you have to act the part and take it seriously. At furry conventions, acting classes for fursuit wearers help them "be" a furry, a role that may or may not include sexual activity.  

Plushies

Although only sort of related, we should also mention the "plushie" community. There may also be some folks who consider themselves "plushies," though this community does not have to overlap with the furry community. Plushies generally refers to individuals who enjoy collecting small stuffed animals, but some plushies (or plushophiles) may describe their relationship with their stuffed animal as romantic or spiritual. Of course, some individuals may also be sexually intimate with their plush animal. Some plushies may sexually stimulate themselves with their plush toy. For some plushies, this may mean simply rubbing against the animal for arousal, whereas others may create a strategically modified appendage or hole (SMA or SMH).  

The Furry Lifestyle

Although furries can be anyone, estimates suggest that around 85% of furries at conventions are male (though more females may participate in online games & communities). Additionally, gay and bisexual men comprise a larger segment of the furry community than in the general public. Some furries describe themselves as more outgoing when they are in their fursona as opposed to real life. The furry lifestyle may allow more freedom to be oneself via the fursona and the ability to live out the traits we may wish we have.  

There is a notion that furry fans must be sick or perverted people. Not so! Furries can't be picked out of a crowd, and they aren't all gazing longingly at Donald Duck. They do share in common an appreciation for and devotion to animals that have human-like characteristics. So before judging the furry community, educate yourself and see what the fur is all about! 

Check us out next week as we explore whether three is really a crowd! 

Sex 411: Furry Lifestyle

WikiFur http://furry.wikia.com

Midwest FurFest 2008 (in Chicago) http://www.furfest.org  

Send Kim and Ross your questions and ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com. Or check out past columns at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/!

Doin' It Well is a little behind the times with technology, we must admit. Recently, the topic of sexual text messaging, or sexting, came up, and while we were not shocked, we were  surprised to find not only how common it was, but also, how national sources have been discussing the "legal" issues around teens having sext with each other. The quick, cryptic, and semi-private nature of text messaging allows for teasing, flirting, foreplay and more to occur, all on your cell phone! The bulk of the conversations about sexting have focused on the shock and "horror" that teens are talking about sex through their cell phones, the "dangers" that teens and parents need to be aware of and how parents can understand the language of sext. .

There are some important reasons for these discussions.  But it's also important to note that lots of people use cell phones to be sexually intimate,,and teens talking to each other in code about the taboo topic of sex is definitely not new. The mode of communication has simply changed.  So if you're well versed in sexting, or you're new to the game, we want to give you some tips for safe, hot sext.

LF

Sexting can be fun, if both people are into it. As with all sexual behaviors including flirting, make sure the person you are sending a message to wants to receive the message and is participating in-kind. Remember, what might be funny to you, might be offensive to someone else. Sexting is not about harassing someone or shocking them by sending them an offbeat message. If you send someone a sext and they don't respond, it may be helpful to check in with them later in person (or send a text) asking them if the sext message was OK. There are lots of txt abbreviations out there, and they might not have even been sure what you meant. Just like with email, sexting can be misinterpreted.

ITS

Because we are not communicating in person, it can feel much easier to write acronyms for things like "FMUTA" -something we might never say in person to the receiver. Sexting allows us to behave in ways that we might not ever have the courage to do in person, and it can open the door to some more graphic conversations about sex. On one hand, this means that we don't feel able to say these things to our partner's face. On the other hand, part of the sexy in sexting may be the taboo and surprise. It may be a good rule of thumb(s) to ask yourself if you would say what you're about to sext to the person to their face and what their reaction might be. If you would, and you suspect their response would be positive, type away!

Safer Sext

Sexting can be an excellent safer sex activity. No fluids are exchanged and there is no skin to skin contact! So, if you and your partner are looking for a fun way to reduce your risk for pregnancy and STDs, sext away! Sexting can also be fun for couples in long distance relationships, or as a way to add spice to your sex life, even if you live in the same town.

Remember that just like email, someone can forward a sext you write to someone else.  Make sure you're having sext with someone you trust.

Sext Offenders?

National news sources have been discussing the recent issues with teens and sext messaging. The legal issue isn't the actual text messages, but distributing images. When teens share sexually explicit images of themselves or others, this is considered distribution of child pornography. So teens can unwittingly get themselves and even their parents into legal trouble. If you're into sexting or use your cell phone to communicate with your friends or partner about sex, be careful about sending pictures! Even if the receiver is into seeing them, you could still get into trouble. Plus, a pic sent to one person, could get sent to all your friends, so send wisely.  

MOS/DOS (Mom/Dad Over Shoulder)

Parents, it may be helpful to talk to your teens about sexting, letting them know that while communicating with their friends and partners about sexuality is normal, healthy and a life skill they need to learn, it's also important they communicate with respect. While encouraging them to communicate in a healthy way about sexuality, it is also helpful to inform your teen about some of the potential consequences if they send sexual images to someone or are harassing them.  If teens don't learn this from the adults in their lives, they will absorb the values of the larger culture...something we may not want. Although the world of sexting is coded and indirect in many ways, a face to face conversation with your teen can't ever replace the txt.. 

Stay tuned until next week as we talk about getting hot and heavy - inside an animal suit.

Sext 411: Sext Messages

8: oral sex

Banana: penis

FB: fuck buddy

FMLTWIA: fuck me like the whore I am

FMUTA: fuck me up the ass

GYPO: get your pants off

ILF/MD: I love female/male dominance

ITS: intense text sex

IWSN: I want sex now

J/O: jerking off

Kitty: vagina

LB?W/C: like bondage? Whips or chains

LF: let's fuck

MPFB: my personal fuck buddy

PRON: porn

Q2C: quick to cum

RUH: are you horny?

TTA: tap that ass

Send Kim & Ross your questions, comments, or suggestions - txt msg style - to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com or comment online at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

Recently, Kim ran across an advertisement for "anal bleaching"- applying a cream to the anus so that it more closely matches the surrounding skin tone. This was surprising, even for a sex educator.   We've heard about waxing, penile enhancement, and even vaginal reconstruction surgery but for some reason, seeing the ads for anal bleaching to eliminate the "embarrassing" discoloration of your anus when wearing that thong or engaging in anal play seemed to be off the charts, even to us. It got us thinking, does the constant barrage of "your-body-isn't-good-enough" from the media hurt our sex lives?

Changing our natural bodies in an effort to attract sexual partners or feel good about ourselves is certainly nothing new. Many of us style our hair, wear make-up and deodorant, and select our clothes based on what is flattering or the latest styles. Often, this makes us feel good about ourselves. When we feel good, people take notice of us and we receive the positive reinforcement of others. There is nothing wrong with this feedback loop. But if we feel like we can't or shouldn't be sexual because our anus is (naturally) a different color than our butt cheeks, there is a much bigger issue.

Selling Sexy

In order to be "sexy" - and therefore given permission to be sexual - we have to look like and act like the glossy images of magazines. When we see images in the media, these people don't look like us. Why can't we love the bodies we have, and be sexual with all our "flaws?" When we never see ourselves fully represented in the "sexy" images around us, this becomes difficult. Some of us do figure out ways to accept our bodies and the bodies of people around us, but it is often without the help of mainstream society.. Are some people afraid to be sexual because of so-called imperfections? Do we close off certain parts of our body, hide them, or limit the things we will engage in and therefore limit potential sexual pleasure because we don't feel like we measure up?

Making Men

While women have historically been valued more heavily based on their bodies and looks than men, men do not escape the pressures to look perfect. Some men report that they leave their shirt on during sex because of embarrassment over love handles or body hair.  Although men may have different pressures - like being muscular, rather than thin - these may still impact the ways men are able to be sexual and who men feel they have to be.

We need to let go of the quest for perfection not just in ourselves, but in our partners as well. Sex is best enjoyed when both people are comfortable-with each other and with the behaviors they are engaging in. If we're so insecure about our bodies that we're focused more on that than what we're experiencing, we lose out. 

Beauty of It All

Our bodies are what we have, and there is nothing wrong at the root of changing our appearances. Many of us enjoy trying on new looks because it gives us a chance to craft who we are and how others perceive us from a new hairstyle to a newly bleached anus.  But it's is a delicate process to determine whether we're changing our appearance for ourselves or because of other pressures. When we change our bodies (increasing our breast size, attempting to lengthen one's penis, removing hair, coloring our anus, etc.), though, we are saying that there is something about our bodies that isn't good enough, not for us or for our sexual partners. We might continue to search for some external source to make us feel sexy and sexual rather than experiencing that from within. 

When we think of raw sex with reckless abandon, it happens when both partners are so caught up in desire and passion that they stop worrying about "imperfections" and instead focus on the sheer bliss of how they feel. Sex is enjoyed for the pleasure it provides. That is not to say that passionate sex is perfect-it's not. People laugh, their bodies make noises, there are fluids and different smells, legs may not be shaven, backs might not be waxed and you might be a size 12 or 24 instead of a size 2. But that's the beauty of it. So take a break from the products that promise us sexual freedom and instead celebrate the unique, sexy body you already have!

Send Doin' It Well your comments, ideas, suggestions at buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com or read past columns at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

As summer approaches, many people like to cool off in the water, or enjoy a nice warm bath. Depending on the temperature and location (private Jacuzzi vs. at a beach), being in water can evoke many different sensations and some people love the excitement and variety of being sexual in (or around) water. Here are some ideas about the ways that water can add a splash to your sex life!

Swimming Solo

Whether you're in a tub or in a stream, water can be used for masturbation in many different ways. Water may work as a slight lubricant, but during solo play, you can also use oil-based or silicon-based lube, or even bath products, to assist. If you're not using a product approved for sexual lubrication, be careful and pay attention to whether it irritates your more intimate parts.

Varying the temperature can also provide different sensations. Warm water may help muscles in the body relax and create a soothing sensation, but cold water may provide a jolting stimulus that some individuals enjoy. Tip: let the water warm up slowly so you don't burn yourself!

When in a tub or shower, jets, faucets, or showerheads can be used to direct water at the breasts, penis, scrotum, clitoris, vagina, or anus. Try lying on your back in the tub with your legs at a right angle up the shower wall (run warm water first, the tub floor can be cold!), and allow the water from the faucet or shower to spray directly on your penis, clitoris/vagina, or anus. Or you can try backing up to the faucet or jet on all-fours, allowing the water to stimulate you. If you have a hand-held shower head, you can move around the water rather than contorting your body. In either position, you can stimulate yourself at the same time, varying temperature, position, and water pressure.

Swimming Styles

When you're swimming with a partner, you have many different options. First, figure out what the two of you want to do in the water. You might prefer mutual masturbation or sexual intercourse. The buoyancy you experience in the water or on pool accessories like floatation devices may allow for more creative positions. You and your partner will quickly figure out what things work and don't work for you in the water. For example, while kissing or oral sex under water can be an exciting idea, they can't last very long due to a lack of oxygen.

Pool Rules

As with any swimming excursion, there are some important rules to note before jumping in. First off, safer sex is still important. No matter how chlorinated or warm the water may be, it is still possible to transmit STDs or get pregnant. It is a huge urban legend, however, that you either a) cannot get pregnant while in a hot tub or b) you could get pregnant from random semen swimming in the tub. These are both false. Sperm outside of the body would not live very long, nor would random sperm likely find their way into a woman's vagina. At the same time, if you are having unprotected penetrative sex, pregnancy is a distinct possibility-since semen is most likely deposited deep inside the vaginal canal, next to the cervix. Water from a pool, bath or hot tub is unlikely to wash this internal area of the body, and it wouldn't kill all the sperm anyway.

Be sure to put on condoms when you're on dry land; putting on a condom under water may cause water to get between the penis/dildo and condom, which may lead to slippage. Using the Reality female condom in the water may be preferable because it is inserted into the vagina or rectum - meaning less risk of slippage.  And it's made of polyurethane, which won't wear down with oil-based lubricants.

Even Wetter

Water-based lubes and women's natural lubrication may wash away in the water, leaving both of you a little dry. To avoid this, you can buy a water-based lube containing silicon (such as Gun Oil or Pjur Eros), which is safe for latex barriers and stays on in the water.

Finally, take care of your parts. Our genitals are some of the tenderest areas on our body, and they may be more sensitive chemicals, soap, or even muddy water. Sex in the water can force irritants into the vagina, urethra or rectum, which may lead to irritation or infection. Use common sense, and if it starts to feel uncomfortable, talk with your partner.

Pool Toys

There are a number of sex toys that are approved to use in the pool, tub, or stream. Dildos don't have any electrical parts, so they are safe to be submerged. But there are also a number of water-proof vibrators available at your local or online sex shop. Some of them even look like cute tub toys or even rubber duckies. (you'll never think of Sesame Street's Ernie in the same way) Check them out and see what works best for you.

Check us out next week as we discuss the ugly side of making our bodies "beautiful."

Sex 411: Guides to Getting Wet

Cosmo's Aqua Kama Sutra (the book is even waterproof!)

Send Kim Rice and Ross Wantland your thoughts, questions or column suggestions to buzzdoinitwell (at) yahoo (dot) com!

In looking back over our Doin' It Well columns and brainstorming new ideas, it struck us that in all of our columns, we only mentioned love a handful of times. Maybe the idea that love and sex should go hand in hand makes us resist making that point. We've all had that drilled into our heads: "Sex is something you do with someone you love." We may have wanted to give permission and validation to our readers that sex doesn't always have to be about love, even within the most loving relationships.  It seems to be the only time sex is permitted or justified is when there is love (or baby makin', as we discussed in a recent column).

But for people who are in love, sex can be a wonderful expression of that emotion. It can allow us to deeply connect with another person, allowing them to explore the sacred, intimate places of our body and soul. So, we thought it was time our sex column addressed love.

What's the Connection?

When we love someone romantically, we often want to share every part of ourselves with them. We want them to know us fully. We want to feel safe, loved and nurtured. We want to know that we share a special bond with someone. Sex provides a wonderful opportunity to enhance this connection. It allows us to open up ourselves to another person and share with them the ecstasy (and vulnerability) of sexual pleasure. Plus, research suggests that the hormones released during sex enhance feelings of connection and closeness. So sex and love make a lot of sense together.

Love or Initmacy?

According to Sternberg's theory of love, intimacy is one component of the triangle of passion, commitment and intimacy that encompasses "consummate love." Deepening the intimacy factor within your relationship can have an effect on the kind of "love" you experience.

Going Deeper

We are often taught either the biological aspects of sex and reproduction (what goes where) or the explicit physical aspects of various sexual acts (ex. people like oral sex). Rarely, do we have a space to explore and talk about how sex feels emotionally - for yourself, your partner, and your relationship. If you are interested in deepening the connection between you and your partner via sex, you may want to try a few things.

Look Into My Eyes

Looking into each other's eyes can be surprisingly personal, maybe even uncomfortable at first, because we may not be used to it.  Try sitting naked together, face to face and just gaze at each other. Once the initial laughter is out of the way, look deeply into your partner's eyes and pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that arise in you. You may choose to share these reactions or just ponder them internally for yourself.  Looking directly into someone's eyes and holding that gaze can be deeply intimate and connective. This also allows us to be more familiar with our partners and see them in a way that the daily hustle/bustle might not allow. Also, you can incorporate this into your lovemaking. You might slowly make love to each other with your eyes open, looking at each other the entire time. This can be an intense experience - one that some people really enjoy - while others may get wierded-out. There's nothing wrong with either reaction; just pay attention and share what you want to with your partner.

More than "I Love You"

Saying "I love you" is good, but don't stop there. Deepening intimacy and connection means sharing the deepest parts of ourselves with another - both physically and emotionally. If we feel as though we have to be the lover that we think our partner wants, we may not communicate fully with them our feelings, desires, or anxieties. Try sharing your worries or nervousness about sex with your partner or an insecurity you have. There's no reason to do all this at once; it may be better to take it slowly. However, by exploring these vulnerabilities with each other, you can open yourselves up to knowing each other more intensely, which can lead to more intimate sex.

Sexual Communion

Some people feel that being sexual with another is a very spiritual experience. Think of other ways you'd like to deepen the meaning and connection with your partner. Some people explore aspects of tantric sex and learn that great sex can be more about the connection with their partner than increased orgasmic intensity or "lasting longer." But you don't have to be Sting to making love spiritually; being open and honest with each other - both in and out of the bedroom - is a major aspect to enjoying a loving sexual relationship.

Stay tuned next week as Doin' It Well plays in the water!

Sex 411: The Meaning of Making Love

Explore what sex with this person means to you. Think about what you like about sharing sexual experiences with them, how it makes you feel and what your reactions are to your lovemaking. Share together with your partner.

Send Kim Rice and Ross Wantland your opinions, recipes, questions or column ideas to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

Many people state that they like it when their partners are vocal during sex, but sometimes talking explicitly with our partners is easier said than, well, said. Talking dirty can be an erotic aspect of foreplay that can intensify the whole sexual experience, including orgasm. But we might also feel pressure to "talk dirty" like we see in the movies. We thought it was about time we started talking about talking dirty.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

Some couples like to use talking to flirt or tease each other as in "Do you want me to touch you here?" Lowering your voice and asking "Do you like that?" can be very sexy. Also, some people like to hear compliments or reassurances about how attractive their partner finds them, how good they make them feel, etc. All of this can enhance communication, and therefore, sex!

Start out slowly. You could make a list of things you either want to say to express yourself during sex, or things you'd really like to hear.  Simply telling your partner that what they are doing feels good through words, moans, sighs, or other noises can be the first step in developing a more vocal sex life.

Nasty As You Wanna Be

Some individuals enjoy more graphic language during sex play. Some people like to hear what their partners are doing - or are about to do - in detail, with their partner describing the act out loud. For example, it can be a turn on to hear a verbal narrative as a partner performs oral sex - which can be a fun challenge as your mouth does double duty!

As with any sex act, what people like varies considerably from person to person and from each sexual experience to the next. Some people like hearing language like "cock" or being called names like "whore."  Although we often think of men being more direct and using more derogatory names when talking dirty, some women find it thrilling to tell their partners exactly what to do, or calling them names, too. Whatever you like, check in beforehand to ensure it's a turn on for both of you.

Delightfully Dirty or Downright Demeaning?

Sometimes hearing something that one person thinks is dirty and exciting can actually leave us feeling slimed and turned-off. Each of us gets to decide what turns us on. There may be some reasons why calling someone bad names might be a turn on for either partner. Maybe being a little bit "dirty" or "bad" is exciting. Maybe we've been told (by the media, for instance) that violent or degrading sex is sexy - that calling someone a whore is supposed to add excitement.  

Our partners may request we say things that we are not comfortable with. A request to "call me your little slut" might not feel good to us. Communicate openly with your partner and find out what turns them on about their request. It may be that they don't view themselves as a slut at all, but want the fantasy of being very sexual. You shouldn't need to say anything that will be a turn off to you just to please your partner. And just because your partner gets turned on by it doesn't mean we have to hear it,. Great sex is about mutuality, not one-sided pleasure.

Talk dirty beforehand

Discuss ahead of time what things might be off limits, what you'd like to say, and what you'd like to hear. Nothing can kill the mood faster than someone asking you to talk dirty to them, saying something really graphic, and totally appalling them (and embarrassing yourself!). Ask your partner for examples of what they want to hear, and follow their lead with language. You can also negotiate a signal when one person crosses the line or goes too far, which can be easy to do when caught up in the moment.

Talk louder or Keep it down?

Sometimes one partner really wants to hear their partner moan or make noises. This can lead people to "perform" as a way to turn their partners on, or reassure them that they are a good lover. This can take away the pleasure if a partner doesn't feel like they are loud or expressive enough, even though being quiet doesn't necessarily indicate one's arousal or enjoyment. Other people may be overly boisterous, which isn't necessarily a turn-on for everyone either. Everyone is different when it comes to expressing themselves sexually - verbally or otherwise.

Break the Routine

Sometimes, sex lives can seem routine. If couples are consistently making love and whispering romantic words to each other or professing how much they care about each other, one or both partners may crave sex to look and feel differently. On the other hand, if your sex life sounds mostly like a porn video, you might be craving a more intimate, romantic approach. Talking with each other about your fantasies, exploring various sexual behaviors, scenes, and what you say verbally can open up new avenues for good, hot sex.

Sex 411

There are lots of ways to talk dirty with one another. Experiment with different genres to keep it interesting, but talk with your partner about the flavor of each sexual scene. If they're in the mood for sweet-nothings and you're in the mood to be called a dirty whore, talking can help you keep it hot and respectful.

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are community members committed to sexuality education and sexual violence prevention. Check out past articles on their blog at http://www.doinitwell.blog.com/

Some of us may have heard the recent stats. At the national STD prevention conference held in March in Chicago, results from a recent study on STDs and young women conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention were presented.  The study revealed that an estimated 1 in 4 young women aged 14-19 were infected with one of the four most common STDs:  HPV, Chlamydia, herpes and trichomoniasis. A press release followed, alerting the media of the startling figures of STDs among our adolescent girls.

The study also addressed ways to intervene with young women during visits for birth control or emergency contraception to detect, treat and prevent STDs.  From a public health perspective this makes sense. This discussion helps medical professionals to test and treat those who are infected and pays attention to female sexuality and the sexual behavior of teenage girls, including STD rates. On the other hand, it seems most newsworthy when girls are revealed as being infected with STDs. This was the first study to look at STD rates in adolescent girls; the shock, it seems, is that American girls are sexual!

Suddenly, people seem surprised that teenagers are having sex.  But we've known for a long time that teens are sexual but are not getting the information and services they need to protect their health.

Boys on the Side?

Nowhere in the press release of this study were teenage boys mentioned. In fact, not one intervention designed at young men was outlined. Where are the girls getting the STDs from, exactly? Ignoring the role of sexual partners fails not only our girls, but our boys, too. Certainly other studies have provided information about rates of infection among boys, or of other specific populations for example gay men or women of color. But we consistently miss out on the opportunity to deal with these public health concerns within the larger context that allows them to continue.

When we look at pregnancy prevention, we often ignore the responsibility of men; contraception, then, is often considered a "woman's issue." Many clinics and health centers that dispense birth control require women to attend a birth control education class, or watch an informative video. While this is certainly worthwhile - we know that when a woman understands the method of contraception, it's more effective - men aren't required to learn about birth control or attend classes. Although it might be difficult to implement a birth control class for men, intervening with only half the population around STDs and pregnancy only addresses half the problem.

Imagine It

If we're going to look at sexuality in a more complete way, we cannot just focus on the statistics and behaviors of one specific population. We need a comprehensive approach that views sexuality as normal and healthy and helps men, women and transgender people regardless of race or sexual orientation make healthy sexual decisions for themselves and their partners. How can we do this?

Imagine this:  What if we were more open with teenagers in our schools about sexuality and sexual behaviors and required that all young people be required to learn about pregnancy and STD prevention? We could provide STD screenings in schools and target young people who are sexually active with testing, treatment and condoms. We could provide sex education that takes sexuality and STDs seriously.  Condom use and other viable risk reduction strategies could actually become the accepted norm! 

We could require a reproductive health care visit for all adolescents by age 14, or better yet, recommend yearly reproductive health care visits for all teenagers. If testing isn't indicated, education could take place. Routine reproductive healthcare could become as commonplace as dental care.

And we don't have to start from scratch. We could actually model our sexuality education after countries like those in Europe that actually work: young people are taught that sexuality is a healthy, normal part of life. The outcome? Their youth start having sex at about the same time as US teens, but have fewer sexual partners and  lower rates of pregnancy, abortion and STDs.

Educated Youth Make Educated Decisions

If we expect to help our youth (& ourselves) live healthy sexual lives, we need to start interventions with all youth at earlier ages, instead of waiting for studies that reveal high rates of STDs. You can help!

Encourage your elected officials to oppose Title V Abstinence Only Until Marriage funding. Many states have already rejected these federal funds, knowing that the abstinence-only-until-marriage approach is not sex education but moral fantasy. Help make Illinois the next state to reject Title V! Take action at www.icah.org/policy.html     

We want to thank JM for pointing out that some women use the Instead or other menstruation cup during sex to keep it clean during sex. We did neglect to mention this cool alternative to tampons & pads. Thanks!

Sex 411: STD Risk Reduction

• Use condoms and latex barriers (for oral sex), every time with every partner
• Limit your number of sexual partners
• Choose to delay having sex
• Engage in other sexual behaviors that reduce fluid exchange or genital contact
• Get yourself and your partners tested for STDs
• If you have a chronic STD like herpes, talk to your partner(s) about risk reduction

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Email them at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com

So its that time of the month? Your "friend's" in town? The curse? You're on the rag? Niagara falls? We have all heard the jokes and comments about menstruation: the assertion that menstruation is an unnatural, undesired or unclean process.These messages can make women uncomfortable with their bodies and their menstrual cycle. In addition, women and their sexual partners often have a lot of questions about sex during menstruation. Doin' It Well wanted to take a closer look at when Aunt Flo comes to visit the bedroom.  

What is menstruation?

The menstrual cycle is a natural, healthy process. In fact, this cycle is a pretty incredible story of growth and renewal. During the menstrual cycle - which lasts for about 28 days - hormonal changes encourage growth of the endometrial lining (the inside of the uterus) and a change in cervical fluid. In the middle of this cycle, an egg is released from the ovaries. During this time (ovulation), a woman is most fertile to become pregnant. After ovulation, if pregnancy does not occur, the endometrial lining will be expelled, known as a "period." Menstrual blood, therefore, is nothing but the disintegrated egg and lining of the uterus. The woman's body then begins the whole process again.  

During the menstrual cycle, changes in hormones can produce changes in a woman's libido. Some women don't feel like having sex, during their period. Some women, however, report increased arousal and desire for sex. This may also be because menstruation increases blood in the pelvic region, which might be experienced as stimulation.  

Sex on the Rag

Sex during menstruation is completely normal and can be safe. However, with all the messages we receive about menstruation being "unclean," it isn't surprising that women and their partners may have some anxiety about having solo or partner sex during their period. When Ross mentioned to a friend that he was writing about this topic, she said, "Ew, why would you talk about that?" But then added, "Not that I haven't done it." There is often a cultural context to these fears about menstruation; some religions and cultures (including the US-based culture!) may have formal or informal regulations about being sexually intimate with a woman during menstruation. At the same time, there are also many cultures that celebrate menstruation and have celebratory rights and rituals welcoming girls into womanhood.  

Although we frequently see the negatives about sex during menstruation (for instance, the potential for a mess during penetrative sex), there can also be some positives. Many women experience cramps during menstruation, and orgasm may help relieve some of that pain. In addition, both orgasm(s) and semen (if having unprotected sex with a male partner) can both produce the hormone prostaglandin, which may increase contractions that may speed up expulsion of menstrual blood. So some women report that having sex during menstruation actually shortens the length of her period. Also, menstrual fluid adds to a woman's natural lubrication and can enhance sex.  

Safe Sex, Period.

Menstrual blood, can carry bacteria or viruses, like STDs, including HIV, which may increase the risk of transmission. For women with herpes, menstruation may cause a flare-up in symptoms, which can produce sores. Also, even though the risk of pregnancy is minimal, it isn't impossible. So during menstruation, even though pregnancy is less likely, partners should still use birth control, condoms and latex dams to keep it safe. 

Keep It Clean

So how can we keep it a good, clean game? First off, sex doesn't have to include vaginal penetration, so a woman (and/or her partner) could focus instead on other sexual behaviors. For example, a woman could insert a tampon, to decrease blood leaving her body, yet still enjoy clitoral or other external stimulation. Second, a towel or other cloth you don't care about staining could be used while having sex. This will make it much easier to clean the bed, couch, floor, table, or wherever. Some women may prefer to bathe beforehand. But you could also move your play into the bathtub or shower and wash away those worries.  
 

Sex during menstruation should be the decision of the woman and her partner. Sometimes both partners like that during a women's period, there is less "pressure" to have sex. And besides all of the taboo about the "curse," some women may not want to deal with the potential mess or may just not be into sex during menstruation. The message that she is unclean, combined with cramps, may not help her feel very sexy. Also, partners may be uncomfortable about seeing blood, and probably have also heard that it is wrong. Remember, communicate with each other and respect boundaries. Having good information, knowing what we're comfortable with and talking with our partners about how we feel about sex during menstruation can help to challenge taboos, allowing us to decide for ourselves the kind of sex we do or don't want. 

Sex 411: For More About Menstruation

www.teenwire.com

McBride, K. 105 Ways to Celebrate Menstruation 

Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Tell them what's up at buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com